THE LAMEST AD&D MONSTERS EVER
v0.9
by
(Freddo)
For
years, TSR has being trying to placate gamers desire for diversity by releasing
more and more monsters for the AD&D game.
The problem is that there are only so many monsters possible before the
designers find themselves really scraping the bottom of the barrel.
TSR has been there before, the flumph really was lame and I'm certain
that the beholder was designed when Gary Gygax had a serious case of writers
block and came up with the utterly pathetic idea of "a big eye with lots of
little eyes that eats characters for breakfast."
But somehow TSR has managed to bounce back.
The beholder turned out to be really quite good and the flumph was only a
minor hiccup. But now I say enough!
There are no more monsters possible!
Monsters are becoming increasingly lame and pathetic.
Let this netbook serve as a warning to all those who'll buy anything just
because it has the TSR logo on it. It
might not actually be any good. In
fact, the creatures in the next monstorous compendium appendix might just end up
like the ones here. Although that
would truly be lame.
But enough with the rambling! Here,
for the whole world to see, are the creatures of my own design which are, in my
opinion, the LAMEST creatures ever for AD&D.
DISCLAIMER
(SORT OF): This netbook no doubt uses all sorts of trademarks owned by T$R inc.
My use of these trademarks is in no way intended to be a challenge of the
ownership of these trademarks. But
let's face it, it really doesn't matter whether I put this disclaimer in or not,
this netbook isn't distributed from T$R's "official" webpage and, as
such, T$R just doesn't like it. This
netbook is simply intended to be an addition to what is the most popular RPG of
all time. AD&D became popular thanks to a creative fan base, but
T$R seems intent on destroying this fan base.
So boo hiss to T$R and a loud hurrah for the fans who put in the time and
effort to create the netbooks, fanzines and webpages which keep the game alive.
BABY
BALROG
CLIMATE/TERRAIN:
Subterranean
FREQUENCY:
Very Rare
MOVEMENT:
18 (36)
ORGANISATION:
Solitary
ACTIVITY
CYCLE: Any
DIET:
Carnivore (rats, insects)
INTELLIGENCE:
Very (11)
TREASURE:
Nil
ALIGNMENT:
Chaotic Evil
NO.
APPEARING: 1
ARMOUR
CLASS: 6
MOVEMENT:
18 (36)
HIT-DICE:
2
THAC0:
19
NO.
OF ATTACKS: 2 (claws/whip)
DAMAGE/ATTACK:
1-4/1-6
SPECIAL
ATTACKS: None
SPECIAL
DEFENCES: +3 weapon or required higher to hit
MAGIC
RESISTENCE: 80%
SIZE:
S
MORALE:
9 (not quite confident with its abilities yet...)
XP
VALUE: 270
The
breeding habits of balrogs are still a source of debate amongst scholars. Some
believe that balrogs, oweing to their extremely magical nature, don't actually
"do the deed" as we would understand it and that balrogs are, by
nature, asexual. Others believe
(although it is scary to think about how they came across this information) that
balrogs are quite active sexually and that the reason they are so rare is that
they are all off in the secret balrog mating grounds, having a lot more fun then
most of us. While the methods of
balrog breeding remain unknown, the results are not.
Baby balrogs look exactly like balrogs in minature, standing about as
tall as your average halfling. Like
regular balrogs, they carry a flaming whip and are hostile to just about
everything and anything. They just
run away with their tails (?) between their legs at the slightest sign of
danger.
COMBAT:
In combat, baby balrogs attack with their itty bitty claws and their tiny little
flaming whip. When they attack, the
let out tiny, high pitched imitations of a fully-grown momma balrog cry (Yup!
Yup!). They fight rather well, the
only problem being that while they begin combat with a confident, swaggering
attitude they get very dissapointed when they're not as powerful as daddy and
run away crying.
HABITAT/SOCIETY:
Baby balrogs are solitary creatures, having been dumped in a dungeon by their
parents in order to teach them something about life as a big balrog.
Their parents usually leave them there to fend for themselves for a few
hundred years before they come and collet.
And momma seems to always choose to pick up junior just as her little
darling encounters some cruel, nasty adventurers.
ECOLOGY:
Baby balrogs fend for themselves in a dungeon quite well, usually living off
rats and snakes, although they like kobold when they can get it. Very few
creatures pray on baby balrogs, just in case momma turns up just before they
start their meal...
COOKIE
GOLEM
CLIMATE/TERRAIN:
Any
FREQUENCY:
Very Rare
ORGANISATION:
Solitary
ACTIVITY
CYCLE: Any
DIET:
Nil
INTELLIGENCE:
Non (0)
TREASURE:
Nil
ALIGNMENT:
Neutral
NO.
APPEARING: 1
ARMOUR
CLASS: 10
MOVEMENT:
24 (48)
HIT
DICE: 1/2 (1 H.P.)
THAC0:
20
NO.
OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK:
1d3
SPECIAL
ATTACKS: None
SPECIAL
DEFENCES: None
MAGIC
RESISTENCE: 10%
SIZE:
T
MORALE:
20
XP
VALUE:
The
cookie golem was created by a baker/wizard who was, to be perfectly honest,
stark raving bonkers. It seemed
that he had some mad delusions of granduer involving him as ruler of the world
inhabited entirely by sentient cookies. Luckily
for the world, his plans fell through. However, before he died, the baker left in his notes the
plans for creating the easiest to make, the fastest to make, and the lamest,
golem of all time, the not really dreaded at all cookie golem. A cookie golem takes one week to make by a Wizard of at least
level 3. The wizard makes the dough
at a cost of 5 gold pieces, uses cookie cutters to cut out the shape of a man
and while the cookie is baking, casts Jump, Mending and Magic Mouth.
The result is the utterly useless Cookie Golem.
Cookie Golems don't give two figs about their masters orders.
They simply run around all the time yelling "Run run as fast as you
can, you can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread/Chocolate Chip/etc. Man!" Because of their utter uselessness, very few wizards can
actually be bothered creating the stupid little things.
COMBAT:
Cookie Golems don't seem to do a lot of fighting. They're too busy trying to evade their masters.
However, when they are forced to fight, the average Kobold would find
them a complete pushover, if they can catch one that is.
When defeated, cookie golems usually make pretty good eating.
ECOLOGY:
Yeah, right!
FLUFF
CLIMATE/TERRAIN:
Just about anywhere.
FREQUENCY:
Very Rare, or common if the DM really is a bastard.
ORGANISATION:
Solitary
ACTIVITY
CYCLE: Any, it doesn't care
DIET:
Milk and cookies
INTELLIGENCE:
Very (11)
TREASURE:
Nil
ALIGNMENT:
Lawful Evil
NO.
APPEARING: 1
ARMOUR
CLASS: 10
MOVEMENT:
6 (8)
HIT-DICE:
1
THAC0:
19
NO.
OF ATTACKS: 0
SPECIAL
DEFENCES: Cuteness
MAGIC
RESISTENCE: 0%
SIZE:
S
MORALE:
20
XP
VALUE: 65
The
Fluff is the cutest creature that could ever exist. It is small and fluffy with big, dewy, "Aww, who could
hurt it" puppy-dog eyes. Actually,
it IS a fluffy ball with eyes, there's nothing else to it.
No brains, no internal organs, nothing but fluff and eyeballs.
Fluffs move through a kind of magical levitation similar to beholders. If you're having trouble imagining what they look like, think
of a floating tribble with the biggest, cutest eyes you've ever seen.
Although they look so cute, fluffs are actually quite evil creatures.
They attempt to use their unbelievable cuteness to rise in power in a nation.
Although their inability to communicate effectively except through moving their
eyes does pose obvious difficulties, some fluffs have managed to become the pets
of powerful kings (imagine it, "lets go to war with the neighbouring
kingdoms, Fluffy goes all gooey eyed when I talk about it"). There are
rumours of fluffs actually becoming the head of state in democratic nations.
Who could vote against such a cute thing?
COMBAT:
In combat, fluffs cannot attack. They
have no arms, no legs, no magic, no psionics and no spells.
They could conceivable ram attempt to ram someone, but it would inflict
the same amount of damage as a teddy bear thrown by a weak kobold.
However, Fluffs have a major defence.
Their unbelievable cuteness means that no one, no matter what alignment,
can bring themselves to harm a fluff under any circumstances.
Instead, would-be attackers simply melt into a ball tears and insipid
grins.
HABITAT/SOCIETY:
It is rumoured that somewhere in the mass of planes, there is a fluff homeworld
ruled by the Great High King Fluff. Nothing
is known about the place because the few wizards who have chosen to research
this obscure lore have gone insane, sitting around all day going "awww, how
cute"
ECOLOGY:
No one knows. Although if one
thinks about how they would breed, they just don't seem quite so cute any more.
TICKLE-ME
ELMO
CLIMATE/TERRAIN:
Sesame Street, Small childrens rooms, anywhere where
Sesame
Street is broadcast (just about everywhere that has TV/Crystal Balls).
FREQUENCY:
Very Rare, or common on the earthly plane.
ORGANISATION:
Unique
ACTIVITY
CYCLE: Day
DIET:
Nil (lives on brain-waves registering as "STUPID")
INTELLIGENCE:
N/A
TREASURE:
Nil
ALIGNMENT:
Neutral (pathetic)
NO.
APPEARING: 1
ARMOUR
CLASS: 5 (plush, but small and fast)
MOVEMENT:
12 (20)
HIT-DICE:
2
THAC0:
19
NO.
OF ATTACKS: 1 or laugh
DAMAGE/ATTACK:
1-4
SPECIAL
ATTACKS: Laugh
SPECIAL
DEFENCES: +5 weapon or higher required to damage Elmo.
MAGIC
RESISTANCE: 50% (ignores it, having too much fun)
SIZE:
T
MORALE:
18
XP
VALUE: 175
The
Tickle-Me Elmo is, quite simply, the single best creature in the world, indeed
in all the planes, at simply PISSING ADVENTURERS OFF. This happy, simple little creature only wants to play.
Too bad for the adventurers that he doesn't have a very good way of going
about this. The little bastard
simply runs up to the characters and yells "let's play! let's play!"
If the characters ignore him, he'll continue for months until he see's
someone more interesting or he decides that the characters are stuck up grown
ups. If the characters attack him, then he still doesn't fight.
He just thinks they're playing.
COMBAT:
Elmo is immune to all but the most powerful magical weapons.
He just thinks that his opponents are playing and ignores any pain.
Magic can sometimes get his attention and hurt him, but don't count on
it.
Whenever someones attack would have hit Elmo, even if the weapon can't
actually harm the little ****, Elmo uses his special laugh attack.
Laughing, Elmo says "Ha ha ha, that tickles!"
Any character of wisdom 10 or less must save vs spells at -4 or realise
that Elmo is just so cute and cuddly and that they simply must play with him.
This enchantment lasts for 1d6 days when the character comes to his
senses with a bad hangover and dreadful, frightening memories of what took place
whilst playing with Elmo. Characters
with a wisdom of 11 or above make the saving throw at +1 and only play with Elmo
for 1d4 days until the effect wears off.
HABITAT/SOCIETY:
Tickle-Me Elmo exists simply to play. Play
and fun is all that gives his life meaning and he travels the entire universe
looking for friendly looking people to play with.
Alas, he always seems to choose adventurers. DM's, feel free to have
Tickle-Me Elmo turn up in what appears to be a perfectly normal dungeon and
watch in delight as the players faces show all sorts of amusing expressions of
disbelief.
ECOLOGY:
As a solitary wanderer, Elmo has no real home.
However, he does seem to spend quite a lot of time in Sesame Street,
located on the demi-plane of Complete Idiocy.
TRANSVESTITE
TROLL
CLIMATE/TERRAIN:
Far away from other trolls, bars
FREQUENCY:
Very Rare
ORGANISATION:
Solitary
ACTIVITY
CYCLE: Night
DIET:
Herbivore
INTELLIGENCE:
High (11)
TREASURE:
Q
ALIGNMENT:
Neutral Good
NO.
APPEARING: 1
ARMOUR
CLASS: 4
MOVEMENT:
12
HIT
DICE: 6+6
THAC0:
13
NO.
OF ATTACKS: 3
DAMAGE/ATTACK:
By weapon, +8
SPECIAL
ATTACKS: Shock
SPECIAL
DEFENCES: Regeneration
SIZE:
L
MORALE:
11
XP
VALUE: 2000
Some
trolls just don't feel at home in normal troll society.
These trolls are more intelligent then most trolls and feel that there
must be more to life then waiting for adventurers to turn up loaded with greek
fire, torches and Melfs Acid Arrows. These
exceptional individuals leave their trollhole and go out into the world trying
to find some meaning to life. As a
way of marking themselves as different from regular trolls, transvestite trolls
have taken to wearing bright, floral mu-mu's.
Note that a transvestite troll can be either male or female (how do you
tell the difference?), it's the dress that matters, not the gender.
COMBAT:
Transvestite trolls are pacifists. Extreme,
pointless violence is a notable feature of the traditional troll society which
the transvestite trolls are rebelling against.
However, hostile adventurers first encountering a transvestite troll will
be subject to its shock attack. This
attack is a result of seeing a troll wearing a bright yellow and orange floral
dress. The transvestite troll gains automatic surprise and each
character must make a save vs paralyzation or be struck dumb and unable to move
or speak for 1d4+4 rounds. The
troll will try and use this time to escape.
If forced into combat, the troll will fight like a regular troll, but
will try to subdue the characters rather then kill them.
Most transvestite trolls carry a broardsword which they prefer to use
instead of their fists (bare handed attacks are very troll-like).
HABITAT/SOCIETY:
Most transvestite trolls are solitary by necessity rather then nature.
When they encounter others of their kind, they tend to band together and
form "troll-rights" groups. These
groups never seem to achieve much, something about it being hard for people to
listen to a troll wearing a dress. Still
it is rumoured that one such group of about 12 members is planning to hold a
troll-rights march in Waterdeep. Should
prove to be interesting.