DUERGAR HUMOR AND JOKES
Contrary to most beliefs, the duergar people have a sense of humor, a mean spirited one maybe, but who ever said they were a Lawful Good race anyway?!? Below are some jokes and wit gleaned by Berksak Blakfist during his travels to some typical duergar strongholds
Q-How many duergar does it take to change a wagon wheel?
None, their drow slaves do it for them.
Q-What do you call a human cleric stumbling across a Duergar delve?
Dinner
Q-What do you call a human party of a mage, cleric and fighter who stumble across a Duergar delve?
A feast.
Q-Why do Duergar ride giant spiders and lizards around the Underdark?
Because gnomes and halflings keep dropping from exhaustion and skinned knees.
Q-How do you get a one armed goblin out of a tree? Wave to em?
Nope. With a crossbow.
Q-What do you call 50 deep dwarves getting pinned and killed under a rockslide with 1 escaping?
A shame.
Q-What is black and white and screams like a woman?
A drow patrol being ambushed by a duergar patrol.
Q-How many Illithids does it take to change a wagon wheel?
Two, one to psionically direct the slave to the wheel and one to mind whip the other slaves to lift the wagon.
Q-Why do goblins put a pile of dung in the corner at a goblin wedding?
To keep the flies off the bride.
Q-What is hairy and black and looks good on a elf?
A giant spider.
Q-What do you call a drow who marries a kobold?
A social climber.
Q-What do you call a halfling thief with stolen duergar gems?
Good as dead.
Q-What is a difference between a beholder and a pile of dung?
Nothing.
Q-What is the difference between a decaying corpse ready for burial and a drow matron?
At least ya know the corpse is gonna get taken out eventually.
Q-How many mountain dwarves does it take to make a pot of stew?
Go over take the lid off of the pot and look.
Q-Why did the Paladin cross the cavern?
Because he was being dragged on a rope by some Duergar.
Q-What is black and grey and rolls down a tunnel?
A drow and a hook horror fighting over a rothe leg.
Q-Why don't Duergar like orcs?
They taste bad.
Q-How good of a swimmer is a svirfneblin?
Depends upon how heavy of a rock the Duergar tied to it's leg.
Q-How do you get 12 derro into a ale barrel?
Put a fish bone in the bottom of it.
Q-How do you get 42 derro into an ale barrel?
With a sharp axe and a funnel.
Q-What color were the aboleth's eyes when he met up with the power of the Duergar cleric's magic?
Blue. One blew one way, one blew the other way.
Q-Why did the elf cross the cavern?
He was chained to the Paladin.(see number 17)
Q- How do you make a gnomes eyes twinkle?
Shine a lantern in their ear.
Q-What do humans and ale bottles have in common?
Both are empty from the neck up.
Q-Why did the mountain dwarf climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
Q- Do you know how to save five drowning drow? No?
Good!
Q-Why did the gods invent elves?
So that gelatinous cubes would have someone to look down on.
Q-What's the difference between a Ranger and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q-What's the difference between a half-elf and a bucket of manure?
The bucket .
Q-What happens when you cross a shambling mound with a drow?
Nothing. There are some things a shambling mound won't do.
Q-Where can you find a good high elf?
In a graveyard.
Q-How do you get a Paladin out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Q-What do you call 5 elves at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.
Q-What do you give a duergar that is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Q-What's red and hangs from the ceiling?
A Paladin on a meathook.
Q-What's a perfect gift for a dead elf? Submitted by: Niterage
Another dead elf.
Q-What's red an squirms in the corner? Submitted by: Niterage
A Paladin being beaten by some duergar.
Q-What's green and lays in the corner? Submitted by: Niterage
The same Paladin 3 weeks later.
Q-How do you know if your home has been burgled by a drow? Submitted by: Niterage
All the garbage has been eaten and the dog is pregnant.
Q-What do you call 3 Rangers sitting on a lawn? Submitted by: Niterage
Fertilizer
Q-How many Duergar does it take to bury a mountain dwarf? Submitted by: Niterage
Two. There's only 2 handles on a garbage can.
Q- What can you do with an wolf with no legs? Submitted by: Niterage
Take em for a drag.
Q-Why do Ogres smell? Submitted by: Niterage
So blind duergar can hate them too.
Q-What do you get when a cross a elf and a troll? Submitted by: Niterage
A retarded troll.
Q-Why don't elves like to go dragon hunting? Submitted by: Niterage
They get tired of carrying the decoys.
Q-What do you call a druid with half a brain?
Gifted.
Q-What do you call 10,000 svirfneblin at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Q- Did you hear about one of Lloth's spiders?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off seven legs and was still stuck.
Q-What are the world's shortest books?
1.Smart drow I have met.
2.Hill dwarves that smell good.
3.Heroic exploits of halflings.
4.Gnomes I have liked.
Q-Whats black and white and has trouble getting through a two foot opening?
A drow with a duergar spear through it's head.
Q-What do have when a half-elf is buried up to his neck in dirt?
Not enough dirt.
Q-Why are mages switching from rats to halflings for their experiments?
1. Halfings are more plentiful than rats,
2. the mages don't get as attached to the halflings,
3. there are some things a rat just won't do
Q-Why should humans be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q-You're trapped in a room with a naga, a basilisk and a mountain dwarf. You have a crossbow
with two bolts. What should you do?
Shoot the mountain dwarf. Twice.
Q-What's 5 miles long and has an IQ of forty?
King Azoun of Cormyr's army on the march.
Q-What are elves good for?
They make orcs look good.
Q-How do you save a hill dwarf from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Q-What is the word in the duergar language for a surface raid? Submitted by: Adso
Slumming. (Weuit-wassult in the native duergar tongue)
Q-Why do elves have pointed ears? Submitted by Adso
There has to be some point to them.
Q-Why can't a duergar tell a lich from a mage from the Arcane Brotherhood? Submitted by: Adso
They share the same fashion sense and personal hygiene habits.
Q-What did the drow say when he tasted the duergar chief's stew? Submitted by Adso
Something in here tastes familar.
Chief's response: Well I would hope that you know your own matron mother.
Q-What did the duegar say after he was affected by the Umber Hulk's confusion gaze? Submitted by Adso
For a while there I felt almost human.