Dusk slowly turned into night, a myriad of stars beginning their celestial dance against the ebony darkness of the heavens as Gangorn pulled up and waited, his eyes taking in the slight unfocusing of Kithra's gaze and knew that once again she was probing, reviewing the events of the past week in her mind, looking for any indication...any hint that the loss of Dahn al'Daer could have been averted. Should I have prevented him from returning when he mentioned the Forsaken? Had the madness progressed father than any of us thought? These thoughts, amongst others, chased each other in an endless whirlwind
across her mind and Ayende's soft whicker went unheard by her mistress. Leaning over in his saddle, Gangorn's strong grip caught up the reins from her idle grasp, his motion jarring her out of her solitary darkness. Startled and angry, she looked up into his piercing blue eyes, her words cut off by the rage burning within their depths.
Gangorn held onto Ayende's reins as he swiftly dismounted. He stood between their two horses and looked up at Kithra, his eyes filled with rage. "Kithra, stop this now." His voice came out through clenched teethh as he tried to control his rage.
She looked down at him cooly, "Stop what? No, wait. What gives you the right to question what I do?"
Gangorn's eyes flashed, bright with anger. "What right do I have? You accepted me as your warder and I have been your warder for months, in all ways but one. Since the day in the stables, I have protected you, from bandits, Aiel, Asha'man, everything I could. Now I remember a lesson from my youth. I watched a Gaidin rebuke his Aes Sedai because she was unnecessarily risking herself. I am doing that now. I am
protecting you from your worst foe, yourself. I have watched battle commanders eat themselves up because they sent men to die. I know the feeling." He closed his eyes, blinking away the memories ... "I experienced those feelings first hand. I saw my fellow commanders let themselves succumb to the despair."
Gangorn reached up and grabbed the startled Aes Sedai by the waist. Lifting her from her saddle effortlessly, he paused slightly as his eyes met hers. For a moment he froze with her in mid air, then shook his head slightly clearing the clouds from it as he set her down beside Ayende.
Kithra looked angrily at him ... "The situation is completely different. What I did to Dahn was...."
Gangorn interrupted her angrily, the barely controlled emotion in his voice cutting across her retort. "Is it any different then when I sent one of my best friends into an abandoned building...after 3 others had disappeared. We knew there weren't
only beggars there, yet I sent him in." His body shuddered as the memories came into his mind. "I blamed myself ... for weeks
I was sick and was relieved of my duties ... if not for Tallanvor....I would have never recovered."
"You haven't spoken, eaten, or even moved more than necessary for days. You haven't watched where you are going, and if your horse didn't have more sense than you, you would be aimlessly wandering in the woods. She follows Caba'doon, while you stare unseeingly into space. Did you expect me to stand by and watch you eat yourself up? I did not choose to place myself
as your guardian to lose you to foolishness. I don't plan to lose you to anything. You mourn over a man you hardly knew, a man who would have gone mad no matter what you did. Do you ask yourself if it would have been better to let him go mad, or to give him a chance, the slimmest hope of salvation? He wouldn't have been allowed to go mad, one of his brothers would have been forced to kill him before that happened. Thousands would have died if he had been allowed to go mad. You were asked for help, and you gave it. Healing him and Dekahda, then finding the cure and traveling to Rhuidean. You have done all you can, forget him and concentrate on the present, on us, not on the past."
Gangorn turned away and led Caba'doon and Ayende to the far side of the clearing, calling over his shoulder. "Kithra, think on what I said." He unsaddled and brushed the horses down, then tethered them loosely, out of habit. Caba'doon would not
wander off and Ayende stayed near him. He turned around to see Kithra sitting on a moss covered tree stump. He watched her for a moment before slowly walking towards her. I have nothing else. There is only one thing left to tell her. Can I do it though? Should I do it? If it will snap her out of this lethargy I must risk her wrath.
After Gangorn had led the horses away Kithra sat on a tree stump, trying to figure her thoughts out. It was my fault, it had to be. If I had stopped him when he told me about the Forsaken, he would still be alive. A voice drifted into Kithra's mind, the voice of her old Mistress of Novices. "This is the third time you have been brought to my study Kithra. Why can't you stay out of trouble?" ... "If nothing....you cannot
worry about if....you can never read the future, and wondering about whether or not something would have turned out different is no help....."
Gangorn's voice interrupted her reverie. "Kithra, please you must stop this. It kil....it worries me to see you like this." He closed his eyes and continued, his voice dropping in anguish. "Light, Kithra I love you and it kills me to see you like this."
Upon reaching the Black Tower, the Aes Sedai had firmly declined the offer of rest and refreshments, preferring to leave immediately for Tar Valon. The Healing she'd received in Rhuidean had healed her physically, but nothing could remove the feelings of guilt nor the sense of responsibility she felt for what had happened. Pushing the pace and herself, the Aes Sedai rode in utter silence under the Warder's concerned gaze. The silent pair had been on the road for four days now, stopping only briefly to rest their mounts before continuing on their journey. Each night as they set camp, Kithra's motions came more by rote, her mind drifting into the dark place within herself. Food placed before her remained barely touched and even sleep eluded her.
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