Oh, What a Night

The North Middlesex Prom Massacre

a story of insanity and the Stinky Cheese Woman

Oh, What a Night
The North Middlesex Prom Massacre

CHAPTER ONE

Nobody liked Katie White. She smelled like stinky cheese, and her mother was insane. So when Katie began oozing Cheez Whiz in the gym locker room, everyone--Korynn, Becky, Corine, and Jess--began to jeer and taunt her. Katie huddled on the floor in her gym clothes screaming, while the girls threw paper towels at her, yelling, "Clean it up! Clean it up!"

The gym teacher, Mess Reid, heard the yelling and came out of her office to investigate. She pushed her way through the throng of girls and stopped short when she saw the cheese dripping from Katie’s hands. Katie herself was pale and her screams bounced off the tiled walls. Miss Reid reached back and slapped Katie hard across the face. Katie stopped screaming.

"I am shocked at your behavior, girls," Miss Reid scolded. "How dare you treat a fellow student like this--even though she does smell like stinky cheese. All of you will report for detention after school." She turned to the cheesy, huddled form on the floor. "Come along, Katie, you have to see the principal."

A murmur of outrage rose up among the guilty girls, but it was quickly silenced by Miss Reid’s stony glare. "Detention after school--be there or be square."

In the office, Principle Forgues talked to Miss Reid. "This is highly abnormal. Highly abnormal. No student of mine has ever oozed cheese before....at least not in gym class. She’ll have to be dismissed." He pressed the intercom button on his desk. "Miss Francis, please send in Kasie White with a dismissal slip."

"It’s Katie White, Mr. Forgues."

"Yeah, yeah." Katie entered meekly, clutching her books to her chest. "Come in, Kasie. You’ll be dismissed. Would you like a ride home, Kasie?"

Katie was staring at the skateboard on Mr. Forgues’s desk and didn’t reply.

"Kasie? Do you need a ride?"

Katie shook her head. "Do you need someone to walk home with you, Kasie?"

"My name is Katie!" she screamed. The skateboard fell to the floor and splintered to pieces.

Mr. Forgues gave Miss Reid a look and quickly wrote out the dismissal slip.

At two o’clock in the gymnasium, Korynn, Becky, Jess, and Corine stood lined up, dressed in their dorky gym outfits which included knee socks. "You did a really shitty thing to poor Katie White, a really shitty thing. All of you must report to detention for the next week. You will stay after school for five hours under my direction," Miss Reid said.

"What if we don’t want to?" Korynn, the one with the attitude, asked.

"Then you will be suspended and you won’t be able to go to the prom."

Korynn muttered to her friend Jess, "I can’t believe this."

Miss Reid, with a sense of hearing even God is jealous of, overheard and replied sharply, "I don’t want any of your lip, young lady. If I hear your attitude one more time you will get suspended and you won’t be able to go to the prom. I will not have my students running amuck."

"Fine!" Korynn yelled, completely loosing her cool. "I don’t care if I get suspended! I don’t care if I miss my senior prom! You’ll pay for this!"

Everyone was silent as Korynn stormed back to the locker room.

"All right, everyone!" Miss Reid called. "Line up! We’ll be doing five straight hours of country line dancing!"

Groans arose from the girls. "Quiet or I’ll make it five straight hours of Garth Brooks!" Miss Reid put on the music and the girls obediently began the "boot-scootin’ boogie."

CHAPTER TWO

Katie walked home from school, clutching her books to her chest. She stared at the ground as she walked, unaware of the flowers wilting as she passed.

A boy on a bicycle--we’ll call him Mike--rode by, and upon seeing Katie alone and defenseless, Mike began to circle around her, taunting, "Katie White smells like cheese, stinky cheese woman!"

Katie continued walking angrily as Mike chanted a second verse: “If you catch a whiff of her, you will surely die--” Suddenly a surge of anger made Katie’s world go cheddar orange, and when her vision cleared, Mike was crying. He had fallen off his bike in the middle of the road.

“Oww...” His irritating whine was slowly drowned out by the roaring of a UPS truck speeding down the road. Katie watched in sick fascination as Mike struggled to crawl out of the truck’s path, while the UPS driver hummed obliviously along with the radio. Mike’s bones were crushed into a fleshy pulp, while the UPS truck driver felt only the small bump of a pothole as he drove out of sight.

Katie’s mind was immediately filled with questions. Had she caused Mike’s accident? Did she have a telekinetic powers? This needed some serious thought...it might have potential.

In her small house on Main Street, Katie’s mother Maggie was busy in the kitchen. “Paprika, eye of newt...heh, heh...moist towellette....” she chanted dropping each ingredient in a large cauldron.

“Hi, Mom, I’m home!” Katie called gaily, slamming the door behind her.

Maggie flew out of he kitchen, her black cloak flapping behind her. “Girl, what have I told you about interrupting my spells? Perhaps if you didn’t interrupt me, they would work! Go to your closet!”

Meekly Katie scurried into the closet, where Maggie locked her in.

“Kids,” she snarled, then cackled as she returned to her potion.

CHAPTER THREE

Korynn sat in her boyfriend William Gump’s flat bed Ford. They were in a fight, as usual. Korynn hated Willie’s Nazi attitude, but he was so cool and popular she had to date him to save her reputation. Plus he looked like John Travolta and had a Southern drawl.

“It’s really not my fault I can’t go to the prom,” Korynn said. “It’s that creepy Katie White’s fault. You know, the one who smells like cheese. Someone even spray painted, ‘Katie White eats cheese’ on the gym wall.”

“Oh, that Katie White. Still, you could’ve stayed for detention. It’s only country line dancing. We do it all the time in Alabama, and we eat shoo-fly pie and grits. You told me you liked country line dancing. Now we can’t be prom king and queen,” Willie argued.

“Too bad,” Korynn muttered sarcastically. Then inspiration struck like lightening striking a lightening rod. “But what if we made Katie pay for what I’ve lost?” she asked fiendishly. Willie’s grin grew as Korynn revealed her plan.

Meanwhile, Becky was with her boyfriend, Forest Moss, aka Matt. “I feel so bad about making fun of Katie like that,” Becky moaned. “I have to find some way to make it up to her.”

“Becky, you’re the nicest girl I know,” Matt said loyally. It was all he could ever think of to say around Becky. Her kindness completely overwhelmed him.

“I know!” Becky cried suddenly. “If you took Katie White to the prom--”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Matt protested. “You know I only want to go to the prom with you!”

“But Matt, if you went with her, gave her the most perfect night of her life--”

“But she smells like stinky cheese! You said yourself she was oozing Cheez Whiz, of all things, in the locker room. That’s so gross! Why does it have to be me who makes the sacrifices?”

“Oh, Matt, do it for me,” Becky pleaded.

“Becky, you’re the nicest girl in the entire world,” Matt said.

CHAPTER FOUR

Ding-dong.

Most children would call out, “It’s the Avon Lady!” at that cue, but Katie didn’t. She quietly answered the door. Miss Reid stood on her doorstep. “Hi,” Katie whispered.

Miss Reid could hear Mrs. white singing in the background, “Gut of worm....hey, nice pants....leg of frog....more moist towellettes....”

“May I speak to your mother?” Miss Reid whispered back.

Suddenly the singing broke off and Maggie swooped to the door. “Who, may I ask, are you?”

“I’m Linda Reid, Katie’s gym teacher,” Miss Reid said, sticking out her hand for shaking. Maggie looked at it as though she were being offered a dead squirrel freshly scraped off the road. Miss Reid withdrew her hand and continued, “Ms. White--”

“My name is Maggie. Maggot to my friends. I do not wish to be associated with this girl. She is a bastard child.”

“Oh,” was all Linda could think of to say. “Well, there was an....incident...in school today--”

“Yes, yes, the Cheez Whiz thing. Again, Katie is a bastard child. She is prone to these sorts of things.”

“Of course,” Linda said. “Well, I just wanted to let you know that the girls who teased her are being reprimanded.”

“Hmmm, Katie is also prone to making trouble for other girls.... This must be because she is a bastard child.”

“Okay, yeah, bye,” Linda said, getting out of there as fast as possible.

CHAPTER FIVE

As Katie walked down the hall to her English class the next day, she could feel the eyes of Corine, Jess, Becky, and the other girls in her gym class glaring at her angrily. They had danced for five straight hours and were scarcely able to walk. Katie ducked into Room 31 and nearly ran in to Matt.

“Sorry,” Katie whispered meekly.

Matt grimaced. He hoped he wouldn’t vomit when the time came to ask her to the prom. He felt contaminated just standing near her.

That day in English they were reading poetry. Matt’s poem went something like,

“ ‘I have to go!’ the admiral cried

As he strode toward the bathroom

with purpose and pride.”

When Matt finished, Miss Pornikoski asked, “Let’s have some reactions to Matt’s poem. Jessica?”

“It’s beautiful,” Katie replied.

The class burst out laughing. That stupid Katie White! Couldn’t she see that Matt’s poem was supposed to be humorous?

Matt, on the other hand, had meant for his poem to be a serious representation of military life. The class’s response made him angry, and Katie now held a new respect in his eyes. Maybe the prom wouldn’t be so bad.

CHAPTER SIX

After school, Miss Reid made Becky, Corine and Jess do the “five o’clock stomp.” By the end of the five hours, their feet were aching.

Also after school, Korynn and Willie were having another fight. “Ah just cannot do that to a good Christian girl,” Willie was saying.

“But Willie, Katie White’s mother is a witch!” Korynn exclaimed. “She’s about as Christian as Satan himself!”

“The whole White family oughta be burnt at the stake! Come on. We need a lynchin’ mob!” Willie cried.

Korynn loved it when Willie got excited. “No, my plan is much better. And if you’re not satisfied, you can lynch her.”

“Well, all right, but I’ll have to tell the Klan about this.” Willie someday hoped to attain the coveted position of High Red Dragon. The KKK was his only extra-curricular activity, aside from the Aryan League.

“Tonight we’ll get everything ready,” Korynn laughed wickedly.

Becky pushed Matt into the library after school. “She’s in there. Ask her now, before it’s too late. The prom is tomorrow.”

“Oh, Becky, you’re so nice,” Matt called as Becky left.

He walked past the circulation desk, searching the aisles. When he began to smell cheese, he knew he was close. Finally, near the nonfiction the stench became so unbearable he almost turned back. Then he saw her, flipping through a book on witchcraft.

“Hi, Katie,” he said. She jumped and her books fell to the floor. As they both bent down to pick them up, they bumped heads. “Ow!” Matt cried. He was beginning to have second thoughts about Becky’s great idea.

“You know, Katie,” he began before he could chicken out. “If you don’t have a date for the prom, would you like to go with me?”

Katie, sensing a trick, turned and ran far, far away from Matt.

CHAPTER SEVEN

The next day Miss Reid started off some country music. “Start the Tush Push and continue until I get back,” Miss Reid instructed before going outside, where she had seen Katie White seconds earlier.

She found Katie sitting on a bench, crying orange-tinted tears. “What’s wrong?”

After a moment, Katie whispered, “A boy asked me to the prom.”

Linda laughed harshly. "That’s not a problem! How wonderful for you!” She couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to do such a thing. “Who is he?”

"Forest Moss."

"That’s even better!" Linda cried. What on earth would the most popular boy in school want to go to the prom with Katie for? she wondered. Maybe he likes cheese....

“No it’s not. It’s a trick,” Katie moaned. “They just want to embarrass me.”

At least Katie had a clue as to what was going on. “I’m sure Matt would never do anything like that. You’re a very pretty girl, you know.”

“No, I’m not.” At least Katie had a clue about that, too. But Linda finally convinced Katie that she was beautiful and should accept Matt’s offer. Katie found Matt later that same day and told him she would go to the prom with him.

CHAPTER EIGHT

It was the day of the prom. Everyone was excited, especially Korynn and Willie. Last night they had traveled out to the dairy farm, and now a bucket of cheese curd hung above the platform in the gym, where the prom would be held.

Jess and Corine were also excited. Korynn had clued them in on the plan, and they waited eagerly to see the spectacle that was Katie White and laugh and laugh and laugh....

Matt didn’t want to wear a tux to the prom, since it would cost him extra if he brought it back smelling like stinky cheese. He didn’t want any of his other clothes touching her either. He decided on the blue tarp in his basement. With a rope serving as a cummerbund, he decided he didn’t look half bad, for a date with a girl known as The Stinky Cheese Woman.

Katie in particular was particularly excited. She had sewn a dress in a lovely shade of cheddar orange, and bought lipstick, eye shadow, and blush to match. She figured that as long as she smelled like cheese, she might as well look like a stick of mozzarella. As she got ready for the prom in her attic room, Maggie watched close by. “It’s not too late,” she cried valiantly. “You know they’ll all laugh at you, the way you’re dressed. You don’t have to go. It’d serve that Moss boy right, you standing him up.”

“Momma, I’m going.”

Maggie paused to think of another excuse. “Everyone will see your dirtypillows,” she said, eyeing Katie’s chest.

“Momma, you know my dirty pillows are in the wash, and I wouldn’t bring them to the prom anyway.”

Maggie was now stumped. The doorbell rang, and Katie raced downstairs. “Bye, Momma!”

“Bastard child,” Maggie muttered.

Katie flung open the door to see Matt in his tarp. They took off in Matt’s car, quite a handsome couple, Matt’s tarp blowing in the wind. CHAPTER NINE

The prom’s theme was, “Oh, What a Night.” It had been ever since that song came out. No one could figure it out, since the prom wasn’t in late December back in ’63, it was late April, ’97. Katie and Matt entered the gym.

It was a wonderful night. Matt refused to dance with Katie but the music was pretty good and no one came near them because of the smell.

Soon the time came for electing the prom king and queen. Principal Forgues stepped up to the microphone and announced, “The prom king and queen are Forest Moss and Katie White!”

Jess and Corine grinned at each other. Everything was going according to plan. They gave Korynn and Willie, who stood hidden behind the platform, four thumbs up.

Katie walked up to the platform in a daze. How could this be happening? She had never dreamed she would experience this moment. She looked into Matt’s eyes lovingly and didn’t even notice how close to vomiting he was. Luckily he was wearing a tarp and the puke would hose right off.

Once up on stage, Jess and Corine gave Korynn the signal. She and Willie pulled hard on the cord and five gallons of cheese curd rained down on Katie White’s head.

Katie’s reaction was one of total shock. Once that passed, she noticed that everyone was laughing at her. Miss Reid, the one who’d said, “Trust me,” was laughing. Matt, ridiculous in his blue tarp, was laughing. Jess and Corine were laughing harder than anyone. And somewhere behind her she could hear the distinctive snickers of Korynn and Willie, as well as those of Principal Forgues.

Everyone was so busy laughing that at first they didn’t notice the dangerous orange gleam in Katie’s eyes. Suddenly, all the lights went out.

Katie thought of killing Miss Reid first. One of the basketball hoops fell from the ceiling and Linda was crushed flat as a pancake. Korynn, hidden behind the stage, was shocked, but Willie started laughing at the sight. He was the only one laughing now.

Next Katie thought about killing Matt. The idiot was just standing there gaping at her. She turned her gaze on him and he cringed, just before the curtains of the stage collapsed on top of him. All that was left of Matt now was a little corner of his blue tarp.

At this point people were trying to escape the gym. Katie noticed this and made the doors slam shut and lock. A few losers got caught between the doors and got their upper bodies severed from their legs, and the few closest to the doors were trampled in the mad rush to escape the inevitable massacre.

Then Katie thought of killing Korynn and her Nazi boyfriend. She could sense them somewhere behind her, and then remember the huge disco ball that adorned the gym ceiling. It began swinging like a pendulum and then it flew and crushed them both while they huddled in hysteria. The glittering disco ball shattered into a thousand shining pieces.

As he shoved his students aside to get at the doors, Principal Forgues fell under the sights of Katie White. A skateboard appeared out of nowhere and sliced through the air. Principal Forgues turned at saw it coming, but it was too late. The skateboard, flying along at the speed of sound, impaled him through the back.

“You’ll never call me Kasie again,” Katie is rumored to have whispered at this death. However, no one else escaped the gym alive.

For some reason, Katie then thought of killing the secretary, Miss Francis. She spotted the woman’s bouncy red hair amongst the prom-goers. Suddenly the fire extinguisher in the corner began spraying its deadly freeze, specifically aimed at Miss Francis. Soon the secretary was frozen in a scream of horror. Someone bumped into this sudden statue and knocked it to the ground. Miss Francis now lay in splintered pieces on the gym floor.

Katie abruptly decided that she hated everyone else running around like chickens with thier heads cut off. Why couldn’t any of them ever accept her? They were also no good in a crisis. She made the lights explode in a spray of sparks that rained down and ignited every prom dress and tux in sight. Matt’s tarp did not ignite. It was inflammable. His was the only outfit that survived the North Middlesex prom of 1997 unscathed.

With all that taken care of, Katie let herself out of the gym and began walking home. The entire school spontaneously combusted behind her.

CHAPTER TEN

Maggie was reading her tea leaves. What she read was so horrifying that she considered casting a death spell on Katie that minute. But Katie was her daughter, even if she was a bastard child. Maggie knew she could handle the girl. A few hours in the old closet would fix this problem.

Deep inside, Maggie was proud of her daughter. At Katie’s age Maggie hadn’t had half Katie’s talent. What a protege! Perhaps the girl wasn’t a loser after all.

When Katie entered Maggie was working on a spell. Katie smelled the intense smell of stinky cheese, even stronger than her own body odor, and the cheddar glare returned to her eyes. Maggie bustled out of the kitchen, humming “Desperado” under her breath. “Hello, dear!” she called.

“Hello, mother,” Katie growled.

“I’ve cooked up a nice bowl of Swiss cheese soup for you,” Maggie said, leading Katie into the kitchen and seating her at the table. The wafting stench of the soup blew up into Katie’s face, fanning the flames of insanity seen only in Katie’s eyes. “So, how was the prom? I want to hear all about it.”

Katie did not reply. She glared stonily at the bowl of soup.

This silence disturbed and angered Maggie. She honestly wanted to hear about the prom massacre, as the newspapers would be sure to call it. “Speak up,” she demanded of her daughter.

A thought entered Katie’s head. Maggie was sitting in a pot of her own cheesy soup, as Katie threw in more and more ingredients. “Armpit odor! Gorilla mucus! Gecko intestines! AND NO MOIST TOWELLETTES!” Katie was screaming in this bizarre fantasy.

She turned her orange eyes on Maggie. She imagined her mother as a wriggling white maggot in a slab of rotting meat. Then her power reached out and shoved Maggie into the brewing spell in the cauldron on the hearth.

“AARGGHH! Gargle slurp pee-you! Help burble ack oof hhhheeellllppp!” Maggie cried. Of course Katie had no idea what Maggie was trying to scream and her power made the fire flame higher until another thought poked its way into her demented mind. Maggie was a witch at Salem, burning alive. Katie was an enthralled spectator, screaming, “Yeah! Burn, baby, burn!”

Yes, Maggie, known as Maggot by her friends, burned like a dry twig, screaming unintelligible hexes all the way. Her last words were, “Accept me into your dark fold, O Satan!”

Katie was now at peace and wolfed down her soup with gusto.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

But Katie had forgotten one person. Becky, who had sacrificed her prom for this insane cheese woman. The next morning Becky discovered that she had lost her boyfriend and best friends and gym teacher and alma mater all in one fiery night. And she had missed the whole thing, staying home to watch TGIF on TV and be miserable and charitable and everything else.

As Becky read the headlines (CHEESE WOMAN KILLS OFF SENIOR CLASS, GIRL GONE INSANE WITH JEALOUSY, KATIE WHITE EATS CHEESE), she grew more and more angry. “Why couldn’t I have died too?” she wailed.

The doorbell rang.

Becky got up and opened the door, because she was the nicest daughter in the world and didn’t want her parents to be woken so early.

There, on Becky’s doorstep, stood Katie White, still in her prom dress and covered in cheese curd.

Becky screamed in horror as the orange gleam came into Katie’s eyes...........

THE END

copyright 1997 Katie Spofford