By Greg Bender, David Gregory, and Andy VanHyfte
(but not Ted Baxter)
Volume V
It sucks when someone asks you, "Do you have any chewing dung?" It sucks when you buy sun block that’s SPF 100, but it turns out to be just tar. It sucks when you’re reading the Bible, and when you get to Revelation 9:1-2, the first thing that comes to mind is Heather’s vagina. It sucks when a policeman is drunk, but he thinks that you’re drunk, so he pulls you over on a busy highway and tells you to walk the line, then he pulls his gun on you and makes you walk the yellow line in the middle of the road. It sucks when you’re at a nudist colony, and someone puts a "KICK ME" sign on your back, and when someone kicks you, their big toe gets stuck in your anus. It sucks when a giant worm attacks you, so you chop it into a hundred pieces, but each piece generates into another worm, and you get attacked by a hundred worms. It sucks when you land a spaceship on a planet made entirely of gasoline, and the fire from the rockets on your ship ignite it, and the whole thing blows up. It sucks when you stick your hand out a window to see if it’s raining, and when you bring it back in, the skin is all gone because it was raining, but it was acid rain. It sucks when some thugs mug you, but instead of taking your wallet, they cut off your nose, and then they keep it so that you can’t even sew it back on. It sucks when you’re red-green color blind, and you can’t tell if you’re eating the middle part of a watermelon or the rind. It sucks when you get scars from stacking hay that are so bad that you have to get stitches. It sucks when you live on the moon, and you’re late with your rent, so they turn off the supply of oxygen to your house. It really sucks when you’re on a tour through a cave, and then you smell fumes that make you feel like puking, so you ask the tour guide, "What cave is this?" and he says, "This isn’t a cave; this is Heather’s vagina." It sucks when you’re not a white American male. It sucks when you get a sunburn on your penis. It sucks when you wake up, and your mom is riding you. It sucks when a 100 foot giant woman throws her used tampon in your yard, then you hang it up in your shed to use for a punching bag, and every time you hit it menstrual juices splatter everywhere. It sucks when you’re impotent, so you have to stick a popsicle stick in your urethra to keep your penis erect. It sucks when you’re up at 2:00 A.M., and you hear some lady screaming and yelling, "Help me!" It sucks when your grandma has a bush that starts way up between her boobs and goes clear up her back. It sucks when you’re hitchhiking, and a garbage truck pulls over, then you ask him if he’ll give you a ride, and he says, "Sure, hop in the back." It sucks when you have to masturbate all over your paper because you can’t find any White Out®. It sucks when you get so rich by playing football that you think you can murder your ex-wife and her boyfriend without getting caught. It sucks when you want to take a bite out of crime, so you bite a rapist, but you get AIDS from it. It sucks when you're a dog because then your mom is always such a bitch. It sucks when your toilet won't flush, so you stick your hand down in it to see what's clogging it up, and you pull out a giant handful of pubes. It REALLY sucks when the ball of pubes starts writhing and crawls up your arm! It sucks when you have a switchblade in your pocket, and it suddenly switches open for no reason. It sucks when you're in a cornfield, and you hear a whispering voice that says, "If you spank it, it will cum." It sucks when you're out in the woods, and the mosquitoes are biting you like crazy, then you look at the can of OFF that you sprayed on yourself and realize that it's actually a can of ON. It sucks when you're in Mexico and you ask some spick where they get all of their salsa, and he says, "Montezuma’s Curse." It sucks when you're hauling a pickup truck load of ice across Arizona in the summer, and when you finally get to Nevada, you find out that along the way some bozo stole your ice and replaced it with water. It sucks when you're an African Pygmy who has nightmares about going to school with your clothes on. It sucks when you're a 1-armed man who's trying to light firecrackers, and you have to hold the lighter in your only hand, so you have to hold the firecrackers in your mouth. It sucks when you get mad at someone because they called you a pencil-necked geek, then you look in a mirror, and on your neck it says, "No.2 soft lead." It sucks when you go into a massage parlor and see Captain Hook and Edward Scissorhands working there. It sucks when you run a beauty parlor and Freddy Krueger and Wolverine come in for a manicure. It sucks when someone unplugs your trampoline, and it won't work anymore. It sucks when you go to a naval base, but it's only a bunch of bellybuttons. It sucks when you're sitting in a restaurant and some guy comes in and yells, "My penis is amputated!" but everyone looks at you and thinks that you said it because the guy was a ventriloquist. It sucks when you think that you're buying a box of Snap Pops, but they're actually giant sperm. It really sucks when you're caning someone, and they take a dump just as the cane is about to hit and #!@§$ splatters everywhere. It REALLY sucks when you're caned on the top of a rocky mountain, and you have to ride a horse to get back down. It REALLY sucks when you're being caned by a retard, and instead of smacking your butt like he's supposed to, he shoves the cane up your anus until you can taste it! It sucks when your last name is LaFarta. It sucks when you invent onion flavored soda, and then you're drug out into the street and shot because of it. It really sucks when you ask your mom what you're having for supper, and she says, "Moldy slices of Heather's greasy cunt." then she says, "Just kidding." but it's too late because you've already committed suicide. It REALLY sucks when you see Heather in a Playboy magazine-AND YOU RECOGNIZE HER! (BARF!!!) It sucks when you think that you're drinking milk, but it's actually concentrated onion extract. It sucks so much that it boggles the mind when you find out you're adopted, your real mother is Heather, and your dad is some trucker whose last name is Bourne. It sucks when your car runs out of gas, then after you've walked to a gas station, you realize that you forgot your gas can, so you put the nozzle in your mouth and pump gas into your mouth, then you walk back to your car and puke the gas into the tank-but the worst is yet to come-then you decide to smoke, and you belch heavily when you're lighting your cigarette. (BOOM!) It inhales violently when someone uses the words "inhales violently" instead of "sucks." It sucks when someone pukes in your pool-unless it's already filled with puke. It sucks when you get to the Land of Milk and Honey, and you're trampled by a herd of milking cows that was started on a stampede by a swarm of honey bees. It sucks when you accidentally rape your mom, then after you're done she wants more-AND YOU GIVE IT TO HER! It sucks when you have leprosy really bad, and some guy uses the back of your neck for chip dip. It sucks when you open a tanning parlor in the middle of Harlem. It sucks when you have crabs and lice, and they have a war and plant land mines on your stomach. It sucks when you're too tired to go to sleep. It sucks when you're too cold to shiver. It sucks when your eyelids are so huge that your whole body can blink. It sucks when your eyelids are so huge that you can use them for a blanket. It sucks when your eyelids are so huge that you trip on them when you wink at someone-especially when your wearing cleats. It sucks to the point of insanity when you jump off of a plane and use your eyelids as parachutes. It sucks so much that you're on the brink of suicide when your eyelids are so huge that you use them for circus tents-especially when the tigers get loose and try to claw their way out. It sucks when some idiot writes a bunch of "It sucks when..." comments about huge eyelids. It sucks when someone beats your face in with a meat tenderizer until you can't even recognize yourself. It really sucks when Heather uses a cactus to masturbate with-but especially if you're the cactus, and most especially if you're a guy wearing a cactus costume! It sucks when Heather gets hold of a volume of "It sucks when..." comments. It sucks when you go to a store to buy a cooler, and when they ask you what size you want, you say, "The kind that are big enough to stuff a 3 year old toddler in." and they call the cops before you can get away. It sucks when you have to get up at 4:00 A.M. to go to work. It sucks when you get your Adam's apple pierced, then someone pulls on the earring that's in it, and they yank on it 17 times before it rips out. It sucks when your saliva glands produce urine. It sucks when a lady dies from electrocution because she took her plug-in vibrator into the bathtub with her, and at her funeral the minister is unable to speak because he can't stop laughing. It sucks when someone replaces a diabetic person's insulin with Novocaine. It sucks when your wife uses Novocaine instead of a spermascide, and it makes you impotent for 3 whole days. It sucks when you drink a whole bottle of Noxzema cleansing cream, and you still have zits. It sucks when you pick your nose with a corkscrew. It socks when you pick your nose with a crowbar, and you accidentally pry your brain out. It sucks so much that you're left completely dumbfounded when you run out of towels, so you dry off with a bunch of barbed wire.
It sucks when your name is Ted Baxter
and you don't write a single comment for Volume V.
Guess what everyone, we're going to start something new here in Volume V. I've come up with a twin set of comments, and I can't decide which one sucks more, so I'm leaving the decision up to you. Anyone who reads this needs to vote for one of the following two comments that they think sucks more than the other one. These are the comments to be voted on:
1. It sucks when you give Heather a full body massage.
2. It sucks when Heather gives you a full body massage.
Please send your votes along with an explanation of why you think that the comment you voted for is the one that sucks the most to:
Please also include your name, E-mail address, phone number (area code first), your address, birth date, social security number, marital status, parent(s) and/or legal guardians), your occupation, SAT scores, religion, political party, and your sexual preference. If you wish, just go ahead and send your name only.
