It sucks when you get a sunburn on your face, and you’re embarrassed about it, because then you’re really red. It sucks when you get AIDS from a monkey, but you thought you got it from your wife, and then you realize that you can’t tell your wife apart from the monkey. It sucks when you have to prick your finger and give yourself shots 20 times a day, and then your doctor says, "Oops, you’re not sick. Hey, what are you doing with that needle? Wait. Get back! NOOOO!!" It sucks when you’re chewing your gum, and you realize that you’ve lost your Silly Putty. It sucks when you forget that you have some packets of ketchup in your back pocket. It sucks when your date is so young that your idea of chemistry between you and her is feeding her formula from a bottle. It sucks when you want to eat Spam, but you’re dyslexic, so you get a mouthful of maps. It sucks when you eat so much cheese that you go blind. It sucks when you accidentally use steel wool instead of toilet paper. It sucks when you use a wire brush to clean between your toes and then pour tobasco sauce on top of them. It sucks when there’s a spider stuck on the roof of your mouth, and you can’t get it off. It sucks when you use worm holes for cheap thrills. It sucks when a big dripping welt starts growing on your 3rd degree burn, then it becomes infected, a bee stings you there, and you accidentally spill jalapeño seeds on it. It sucks when you’re sitting on Santa Clause’s lap, and you feel something hard. It sucks when you bash an ax into the head of that guy who’s dressed up as Barney, but it turns out to be just a robot. It sucks when a leech crawls up your urethra in your penis. It sucks when you have to cut off the pinkey of a rubber glove to use for a condom. It sucks when you see a dog lick itself, and you get jealous, then when you try it, the dog bites you, so you go and sniff someone’s butt. It sucks when you can’t get a dog to sniff your butt. It sucks when you bite your tongue on accident, and then you bite it again on purpose, because you liked the taste. It sucks when you have a tapeworm, and when you pull it out, it looks at you and says, "Hell, I need to use better judgment when I pick a host." It sucks when your grandma wants you to give her a kiss before you go home, and she slips you the tongue. It sucks when you hear someone say, "So that’s why I couldn’t breathe," then you look at them, and they have a giant booger on their thumb. It sucks when you pick your nose, and you look at your finger to discover that you accidentally picked your brain. It sucks when you forget to unwrap your Poptarts before you put them in the toaster. It really sucks when you put them in the microwave like that. It sucks when you prefer your mountain oysters raw. It sucks when you have to beat your woman for almost an hour before she’ll give up and call you "Master." It sucks when your penis goes on strike. It sucks even more when your penis pickets and starts chanting, "Hell no, I won’t cum! Hell no, I won’t cum!" It sucks when the slugs in your sandwich are motionless and chewy, because you forgot to salt them. It sucks when you return home to find that your wife has been cheating on you. It really sucks when her secret lover is your dog, and that’s bad, because you really did like that good ol’ dog. It sucks when your english teacher reminds you of a cross between Jimmy Swaggart and Paul Harvey. It sucks when you get a fish hook stuck under your tongue. It sucks when the color of the sun is your favorite color, because you keep staring at it until you go blind. It sucks when your goal in life is to have a sexual orgasm. [What the hell?] It sucks when your own "It sucks when" comment doesn’t even make sense to yourself. It sucks when your mom bakes a pie, and when you ask her, "What kind of pie is this?" and she says, "Cow pie." It sucks when you’re watching the time tick away in english class, and the hands of the clock start moving backwards. It sucks when someone doesn’t finish their It sucks when you’re a turtle, and you can’t figure out how the hell to have sex with your mate. It sucks when you have to go to the bathroom really bad, so you go in a Mountain Dew bottle, then you get thirsty and forget that you went in that bottle and drink it. It sucks when you accidentally kill yourself because you were having so much fun making your own lungs collapse. It sucks when you have to ask your sister out if you’re going to go to the prom. It really sucks when you have to ask Heather. It sucks when your turning through the radio stations, and on every station some guy is yelling, "Split anus! Split anus!" It sucks when you’re walking down the hallway and slip on a banana peel. It sucks when each atom in your body goes on a separate vacation. It sucks when you can’t decide if you should type in boldprint or normal print. It sucks when you try to pull your nipple off with a pair of pliers. It sucks when your lips get chapped, and they flake off into your bowl of chili, and then you think you put crackers in there. It sucks when you have to shave with a sharp razor, and you’re shaky. It sucks when you happen to pull your arm out of the socket when you’re changing a light bulb. It sucks when you’re bungee jumping, and you forget to measure the It sucks when your doctor shoves his finger up your butt during a physical, and you like it! It sucks when you step on a nail that’s sticking up from the floor, and you can’t move from that spot, because the nail is stuck into your heel bone. It sucks when an environmentalist group wants you to join just because you’re biodegradable. It sucks when you crush your neck, because you tried to bench press 500 pounds without a spotter. It sucks when you look so good that everyone comes up and licks you. It sucks when you’re pregnant with sextuplets, and they all suddenly claw their way out a month before they’re due. It sucks when you accidentally pull the wrong lever and launch a nuclear warhead. It sucks when someone pours a bucket of gravy on you, then you look up to see who it was, and you see Jeffrey Dalmer smiling down at you. It sucks when you think that words are cheap, but then the price of words rises because of inflation. It sucks when you have to go on a killing spree with a knife, and your arm gets tired after a few people. It sucks when you start playing a flute, then a huge herd of rats starts following you, and you can’t figure out how to make them go away. It sucks when you feel a lump in your breast, then you realize that is your breast. It sucks when you try to say something, but your words are muffled by your own butt. It sucks when you get your paycheck mixed up with your toilet paper. It sucks when you’re so stupid that people have to tell you things twice, because you don’t understand them the first time. It sucks when you’re so stupid that people have to tell you things twice, because you don’t understand them the first time.

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