And now Deeeeep Thoughts, Series #5

by Dave Gregory


1. Some people can really count on their family, and some people can really count on their friends, but I can really count on my fingers.

2. What’s the point of bowling balls?

3. People say that you can’t have your cake and eat it too, but if you eat it, you still have it; it’s just in your stomach.

4. Boy, gloves sure are handy, aren’t they?

5. When pink elephants get drunk, what do they see?

6. People don’t eat boards, so why isn’t "room and board" called "room and food"?

7. I wonder if an environmentalist group would let me join just because I’m biodegradable.

8. I think that when bad cats go to Hell, they’re given a never ending ride on a submarine with lots of large view windows.

9. If I ever think that all people are going to be wiped from the face of the earth, I’m going to move to the back-of-the-head part of the earth where I’ll be safe.

10. Some people think that humans are the worst polluters on earth, but dogs and cats just keep producing litter after litter.

11. I had a tape of one of my favorite singers, but I wanted to listen to their unplugged album, so I unplugged my tape player--but it didn’t quite work.

12. If I had a giant intergalactic crane, I would hook it in the Saint Louis Arch and use the earth as a wrecking ball to smash Venus.

13. Lots of guys worry about their receding hairline, but they should be glad that they don’t have a proceeding hairline that grows down to their eyebrows.

14. I used to be terrible with Rubik’s Cubes until I figured out how to rearrange the little colored stickers.

15. If you’re ever locked in a room with some people and they start debating on who they’re going to eat first to avoid starvation, always tell them that you’ve been diagnosed with cancer.


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