Hi, boys and girls, and welcome to the neighborhood!

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
         a beautiful day in this beauty woods.
Oh, won't you be, won't you be,
         won't you be my neighbor?

Hi, neighbor: Did you know that if you feed your dog chocolate bars (at the rate of one bar per 10 pounds of dog) that it will put him in a coma from which he will not recover? Did you know that if you hold a guinea pig upside down that his eyeballs will fall out? Did you know that snakes live in the sewers beneath your city? So, little friends, always look before you sit on the commode!

Today, boys and girls, as a special treat we'll take you to a remarkable farm near Brownsville that grows peyote for use in religious services. Here we are, boys and girls: Gee, whiz: There doesn't seem to be anybody around.

Oh! Here is a lady lying underneath this cultivator. Something seems to be wrong with her eyes. Remember, little neighbors,
we must never make fun of other people because their eyes won't focus, they can't button their clothes and they drool.

Oh! Look! Here comes a worker driving a forklift. He seems to be having a problem. OOPS! Sit tight, little friends! We'll have the camera going again as soon as they get the cameraman's body off of it. Well, aren't we having an exciting day? Tomorrow, boys and girls, we'll be visiting a condom factory .in Georgia that is run entirely by midgets. In the meantime--oh, my! Here he comes again with the firkliffff (GRUNT).

Whoa! Adios, Fred. Back to the real world of BSE. And, welcome to our Four Star (****) (count 'em) Christmas issue.
With this issue there will be a slight change in the program. Father Larry has been recalled permanently to New Rome so my trusty Assistant Editor, Sebastian Sabre, will take over production of the Bone. I will continue doing my Editor thing.
I will be taking subscription money from now .on and the good friar will forward to me any balances that you have. I am hereby lowering the price to 7 issues for $6 (retroactive) and if at all possible, I will lower it again. Back issues will still be
$1 each except for Numero Uno which will remain free. I will keep up the tradition of a free issue to newbees and a free , issue to submitters. Well, onward and upward, Moodgekateers. ..

A SOLDIER' S DAY AT AFT PENDA UHURA

by Dick Helder

Corporal Andrew "Rebel" Smythe:

The time is six a.m. and the place is "A" Company barracks at AFT Penda Uhura. It is time for our hero to rise and shine. That's me, Rebel Smythe.

Each morning at this time Sergeant Major William "Bull" O'Rourke enters the barracks. He requests that the ladies and gentlemen of II A II Company arise in his own unique way: he fires an antique slug-thrower loaded with blanks at the ceiling while kicking an empty trash can down the center aisle. Best alarm in the world--a sure attention getter.

This is the Army or what passes for it anyway, here at AFT Penda Uhura. In the army of P.U. time cannot be wasted. 'rime
is a precious commodity. I hear this constantly here at P.U. Lies, lies, lies. The Army here is the same as elsewhere: rush
to wait.

Time is a precious commodity and can't be wasted worrying whether men and women have separate latrine facilities, The problem was solved. We don't. The reasoning behind this rather unique arrangement is quite simple: 'soldiers are soldiers and not men or women'. We share the same mess, latrine and sleeping quarters, It makes Army life at P.U. a very interesting life style which is not for the faint of heart or the shy.

The basic uniform of the military personnel at AFT Penda Uhura consists of black jackboots which rise to four inches above the knee, knee length trousers of a light brown khaki, long sleeved shirt of light born khaki, light brown cap, black leather gloves, Sam Browne belt, and a many-pocketed vest.

Morning mess is open for enlisted personnel from 0600 to 0630. This gives you a choice of a long shower with a friend or breakfast. Not both. After breakfast at 0700 comes morning parade. We work on our precision marching for one hour. After parade, we have barracks inspection at 0830 which usually takes 90 minutes or until 1000, At 1000 is sick call but few go. There are no slackers in "A" Company. At 1030 we have inspection of weapons, battle armor and warbots. Our Weapons Techs check over the armor assigned to our- company. After weapons check, our time is our own until 1200 when the mess is open until 1230 for the noon meal.

At 1300 all personnel not on duty go to midday prayers which usually lasts until 1500. After midday prayers we have a company assembly to judge offenders of Colony Law. Guilty persons are then punished. Punishment is either by confinement to the stocks in the company area or flogging in front of the entire colony population. Floggings are usually performed on the first High Holy day of each month. After the judgment period which ends at 1630 we have evening parade. Evening parade begins at 1700 and at evening parade officers and soldiers will be inspected while wearing dress uniforms.

Dress uniforms consist of the followings officers wear a black bearskin busby, black jackboots, knee length trousers in dark green with a yellow stripe from hip to knee, sleeveless waistcoat in yellow, a dark green overjacket, blaze orange cummerbund, black gloves and ceremonial sabre.

Soldiers wear a brown bearskin busby, black jackboots , knee length trousers of dark green, sleeveless waistcoat in gray, a dark green overjacket, brown Sam Browne belt, brown gloves and ceremonial dirk.

After evening parade and inspection the company returns to the company area. The evening meal begins at 1800 and lasts until 1900. At 1900 the duty section begins its guard tour. Guard duty is the patrol of all colony rings in "A" Company's assigned quadrant. "A" Company patrols the North Quad while "B" Company patrols the South Quad, "C" Company the West and "D" Company the East. Those not on guard patrol go to the evening prayers which begin at 1930 and usually lasts until 2130. After prayers is free time until lights out at 2200.
          So ends another day at AFT Penda Uhura.

( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@@( )@

You could almost hear a sigh at the end of that piece. Speaking of which, I found this -beneath my desk:

Inneroffice Memo
FR: Assistant Editor, Sabre

TO: The Mighty Bird

Maddie:

Just a note regarding Father Larry's request that you not curse so much in the Gazette. I know how hard that will be on you.

I have collected some other oaths for you to use that will probably not offend the ecclesiastical types among us.

I personally favor Shakespeare's "arront" for fuck. Also try: "That F word" , "the S word" , "gosh darn" , "gemanee christ- mas", "golly Neds", "Poop", or "gee whiz".

Perhaps the Boners and Bonettes out there could help more. How about it, kids?

Give my best to Chuck U.

Sebastian.

Right. Think I'll check in with Chuck. He still hasn't finished filing his report on the Romulus party.

Me: Chuck. Chuck! Are you there?!?!

CF: Well, I was a minute ago. Where did I go?

ME: I don't know. Where did you go? You know, Chuck, having a conversation with you is like having a conversation with a rutting rhinoceros.

CF: How did you...how did you... how did you find out about that?

ME: Never mind! I need a report on the Romulus party. Wasn't there a wet T-shirt contest?

CF: (GASP:) Is that what they were doing? I thought...I ... I thought I was having a religious experience. I mean, tits were flying everywhere. And one woman...I think her name was Buttocks LaRude...no..no...ahh...Bubbles Larouche was declared the winner. Look. I don't have time for this. It's all down on this piece of paper. I gotta go. I'll call you back.

ME: Wait, Chuck! Where are you going?

CF: (GASP!) You mean I'm missing again. My God!  What am I doing wrong?

Anyway (big sigh) here's the rest of the blurb: "Bubbles was declared the unanimous winner. Bubbles said she could be found at the 'House of the Rising Sun' under the name of a famous pistol. Miss Bubbles then was seen strolling away arm-in-arm with David Addison. David was heard to be singing as he walked away: "Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble, but I'm trying the best that I can!"

Neither of them was seen for the rest of the party.

With Bubbles otherwise occupied, the wet T-shirt contest went smoothly with several young ladies from various ships and Romulus (there are rumors that front row seats for this contest were being sold for as much as 100 stellars per seat on the blackmarket). After much cheering and jeering from the crowd (which required several platoons of Catamounts to control) the winner by decision was First Officer Lola from the SMS Dorna. Lt. Bosk of that ship promptly took her under tow as they left the area."

You know what really honks me off? Hunh? Do you? To get down to the near-bottom of the page. I mean, I got all this white space and it's just not enough to start a new story but it's just too much to leave it hanging there'.': What am I going to do about it?

Thanks. You're a lot of help. By the by--I think Steve Marte should be given a medal for livening up the game. Can you think of any other candidates? Yadda. Yadda.

LOST BLOOD
Chapter la The Ace of Wands

by David Gaider

          A nice ship, she had to admit. Ensign Jem Peioras stood on a balcony at the entrance to the Engine Deck. This gave her a view over the ten top quality thrust engines, made in Jax, that were firmly implanted into the deck. Each one was a barrel like device with numerous bulbs and tubes and other little good- ies attached to it. Engineering was not her specialty.

However, the sleek patterni of the engines and the silent hum they emitted was conducive to thinking, which was why she
was here. Staring from this vantage point, the Engine Deck seemed vast' and ..seeme4 t6--open the right doors in her to let
her think.

This was her first transfer. The Captain of the ISS Hutton had left for the Inner Empire and she had been immediately accepted onto this ship, the Ace of Wands, by a Lt. Erre Reston. She hadn't met him yet--he was out in the Jax starport hiring new crewmembers. She hoped he was better than Captain Carling who had been indecisive and generally incompetent. But was Lt. Reston what was bothering her? Sure, she hoped he wouldn't be another Carling Folden, but there was something else...something she couldn't put her finger on. A...a dread...a feeling of dread that had drawn her here. The feeling filled her with doubts and...fear.

Jem shook her head and idly swatted away an imaginary fly. Nerves, she thought, I really shouldn't get myself so uptight.Lt. Reston will probably be better than I'm giving him credit for. Once again, Jem, you're jumping ahead of yourself!

She sighed resignedly and turned back to the Main Deck, deciding that her case of nerves would leave her by tomorrow.

----------

She was right. The next day, Jem and the nine other crew-members that were originally commissioned for the new ship
waited on Command Deck by the lift for the new commanding officer to arrive.

Ensign Dietcick, a dark-haired officer in his early twenties, nudged her with his elbow. "I hear this guy's from Pluto."

"Oh,really? Where's that?"

He turned his head toward her. "Terran system, Jem: I'm telling you, it's a backwater:"

Wonderful. "You're a real confidence-builder, Dietcick!"

"It's only the truth."

"Well, I don't..." but Jam halted in mid-sentence. The lift tube had activated. Everybody stood to attention as the tube glowed a pale yellow and the silhouette of a man slowly rose to level with the deck. The lieutenant, it seemed, had arrived.

The tube opened and the man emerged. Erre Reston was dressed in standard Imperial uniform; he had wavy blond hair. was well-shaped, had piercing green eyes and a rakish grin was spred on his face. Jem's heart leapt immediately into her throat.

"Ghagkhk!" was the twisted greeting she sent to the lieutenant.

He raised an eyebrow. "Why, hello, crew. Err...is there a problem, Ensign?"

Jem forced her heart down, lump by lump. She then smiled at him. "No, sir."

He turned his gaze to the others. "At ease, people. My name is Lt. Eric Reston."

"Eric?" Jen asked. "But, sir, your file said 'Erre"."

"It was a computer error when I was born. Computers are too darned stubborn to realize their error, though."

"Oh." Everyone relaxed. Jem walked up to him. "I'm Ensign Jem Peioras, sir. Senior Crewmember and First Officer. I'll be showing you around the ship." They shook hands.

He addressed the crew again. "I'll have a chance to speak with you again, when the rest of the crew arrives. Dismissed!"

(Continued on the next page. I swear.)

IT"S THAT TIME AGAIN, LITTLE NEIGHBORS! Yadda-da-daaaaa.

Imperial Law#4: It is illegal to interfere with the internal politics of a planet having a sentient race.

 Everyone either sat down at the bridge controls or went up to Main Deck, chatting quietly to each other.

Eric turned to her and exhaled. "Whew! I'm glad that's over!"

Jem looked at him questioningly and he smiled shyly. "I'm not a very good public speaker. Gives me the jitters."

She laughed, finally relaxing around this new lieutenant. He would be alright.

Eric turned to the viewscreen, which was currently showing an image of Dogleg. A silence passed for a moment as he thought. Then he made his decision. "I like this ship. "

"So do I. It's smaller than some ships, being a surveyor, but she's maneuverable. Very sleek, too. Outfitted on Jax with all the latest equipment."

"Mm-m-m-n," he agreed.

"Er, if I may ask, sir, why did you name it the Ace of Wands?"

He looked at her and grinned. "My mother was a researcher on Charon, but she always liked to keep herself busy. She was into Tarot cards. Ever heard of them?" At the shake of her head, he continued. "Not surprised. Stuff's from a long, long time ago. It's a deck of cards that supposed to tell the future. The Ace of Wands is the first of the suit. You know, like the Imperial Ace in Ringbone Poker. Anyway, each card had a meaning to it. The Ace of Wands was the beginning. The beginning of an adventure." He looked back at the screen. "The grea test adventure. To me."

Jem smiled silently. She liked this captain. And she also decided that she would enjoy working on the Ace of Wands. It appeared that she had just been nervous yesterday, after all.

But as soon as she thought of it, the dreaded sense of foreboding welled up in her once again. Her frown went unnoticed by the young lieutenant, who still studied the viewscreen's rendering of Dogleg thoughtfully.

(Next Chapter: Swarmed)

IMP LITTLECREEK

by Harold Van Urnmersen

Below is a blurb written by the ever-prolific Mr. Van Umrnersen. IMP Littlecreek is on the planet Quellon (Q29 Capellan System) and run by Shannon Rundquist:

Recreation Complex: The center of this complex design bases itself on the familiar Yin-Yang concept, with equally familiar maze-labyrinths strategically located at key gates, but is divided essentially into the two master hemispheres of all opposites which represent extremes of the same identity. By this ingenious arrangement, all re-creation needs can be satisfied for any visitor: human or non-human.

In human terms, satisfaction results from re-creation of such opposites as mind and body, female and male, art and. ~,.r; science, etc. through equal but separate opportunity available to each alike but interchangeable.

Ostensibly, Littlecreek's re-areation complex is therefore divided into quadrants marked X for kisses and O for hugs as
shown here:

This tradition derives from prevailing weather patterns and seasonal ecliptic shifts in orbit affecting the human home world called Terra (Inner Empire) by most spacefarers.

Non-human visitors whose mind- set rests on dualism resembling human dualism adjust quickly to the Terran gate/maze/hemisphere/quadrant pattern.

For non-human sentience developed from variants such as Base 3 or 12 math, stochastic interval chronoplasm, or plus-minus dimensional exchange, the same recreational satisfaction is achieved through superimposing Venn diagrams (of the type shown here: )

on the standard design (above), to the extent needed or desired. Even if other axial connections prove inadequate, the central Venn nexus access (black-shaded area) will always create more than enough new choices.

Venn access is, of course, available to human visitors as well as to non-humans. Expertise of the Imperial Survey Service in dealing wi th races other than ours produced the nexus as a gathering place for all sentients.

For this reason, Littlecreek's re-creational complex carries no specific human name. MEETING POINT serves as seman- tic translation for reference among all visitor commo devices. Key gates, at the visitor's will, may be keyed to solo, tandem,
or multiple re-creation-in any mode. Modes available include THEATER, ATHLETICS, NON-SENSE, GOURMAND FEEDING, N-SPACE TOURS, PSYCHOSHOCK HISTORY, WAR, BOTANY, RELIGION, D-TIME MEGA LIVES, and the like. Each mode offers lOO-K choice among personal selections. In only 20 TU, you can re-create your life as Terran explorer Ulysses, zoologist Darwin, or poet Issa, not to mention famous non-humans as colorful Harold of Teran-Zei, the Morlock composer !@K?, or the Non-Incubated SAM Queen. To re-create says it all.

The Imperial Survey Service Academy for Post-Graduate Study, whose chancellor, Snake Byte, currently serves as IMP Little- creek's governor, maintains compounds in the four compass rose filaments (N-S-E-W) of MEETING POINT. Guided tours round the 2l-hour clock of Quellon through these compounds offer guests user-friendly patronage of this non-pareil establishment.

    *     *     *    *    *

SURPRISE AT HYDROTHORA

by Michael Horn

          Fione Mac Ric stared moodily at a portrait hanging on her office wall. She was a petite woman, with dark red hair, green eyes, and a sprinkle of freckles across her nose. She enjoyed being governor of SMS Hydrothora, a colony on a very nice world, but she admitted to herself that she missed Jaxam. She gave a big sigh. She had decided to come to the Capellan Periphery after graduation to be with her brothers, but she missed her friends and particularly Jaxam.

"Come in," she called absently as a knock sounded on the door to her office. Then she turned as the thought hit her that her secretary hadn't warned her of a visitor.

"Aidan!" she cried in delight as she recognized her oldest brother. She hurried forward to give him a hug and a kiss. "I certainly didn't expect you here! How...? When.,.?"

He chuckled. He was her senior by almost eighteen years. His dark hair had a light sprinkle of gray around the edges, but his gray eyes still had a youthful look. "I came in on the Wraith just now," he told her, dropping into a seat. "Thought
I'd surprise you. I saw Bas at the port. He said you received a few flowers lately. "

"A few!" she said ruefully. "An entire ship load! I've never seen so many in my life at one time. "

"Who were they from?" Aidan queried innocently.

Her eyes strayed to the portrait. "I don't know," she said. "The card said only ' from One who loves you' ."

Aidan grinned. "Flowers aren't easy to collect and ship. Someone must be interested in you! No other surprises?"

She gave him a fond smile. "Not today. Did you decide to come and see what I've been doing with this place and the things you've been sending me?"

"Not really," Aidan told her. "But it's been months since I've seen you. Are you sure you prefer life here in the Periphery now that you've had a taste of it? "

Her eyes strayed to the portrait. "You and the rest of the family are all here," she reminded him. "Of course I'm happy here."

To the surprise of both, the door suddenly swung open again. A tall, handsome man strode briskly in as two admirals followed. As Aidan considered them Fione shot to her feet, her face suddenly pale. "Jaxam?'" she gasped in disbelief.

Firmly, without a word, the other circled the desk, picked her up, and kissed her soundly. "There!" Jaxam said with a f'inal note in his voice. "I've waited months to do that."

"But what are you doing here?" Fione asked in bewilderment as he set her back down onto her feet.

"I've come for you," he told her, not releasing her. "And this time I'm not taking 'No' for an answer! I know your confounded brothers are all out here, but I want you at home. They can visit us or we can visit them."

Aidan slowly stood, a growing smile on his face. "Am I to understand that you are here to haul Fione back to the Inner Empire?. he asked. He recognized the other but wasn't yet ready to acknowledge it.

Jaxam glanced at him sharply. "Yes," he stated. "You must be the eldest, Aidan. I recognize you from her pictures."

"I am Aidan, ..he agreed with a deep bow.

Jaxam bowed in return, although much less. "Then as the head of her family, I have the honor of requesting from you her hand in marriage. I am Jaxam Sinclair Rex." 

Fiona gasped at the announcement, her eyes large, and Jaxam There was general laughter and Fione turned pink. But she continued to cling to Jaxam' s arm. Jaxam turned to introduce the two admirals with him.

"But what are you doing out here, Jaxam?" Fione wondered as she nestled against his side. "I thought your father had forbidden the Royal Family from coming to the Periphery due to the unrest here."

Jaxam sighed. ..True, he admitted. ..But you were here and I knew of no other way to get you to come back. So, we can't stay long. We've battle cruisers in orbit waiting for us now. Your secretary is packing your things for you. We can't stay."

"But, Aidan....!" Fione gasped, stricken.

"Don't worry about a thing here," he soothed. "We'll get you back to the Inner Empire so quickly no one will know Prince Jaxam was ever here. Bas can fill in as temporary governor here until someone permanent can be found. "

"Certainly, Your Highness," Aidan agreed. "We all shall. Just let us know the date."

Later, at the starport watching the royal yacht lift off, Aidan sighed in satisfaction. Fione's future had been of concern to all her brothers, but now it seemed to be well taken care of. She had left with stars in her eyes and he was sure the two loved each other. The heir to the Inner Empire should be able to see that she always had what she wanted and needed.

He turned to consider the small colony. Every inhabitant had turned out to see the ship leave. Now all he had to do was find a new governor...

Awwwww: Ain't that sweet? What are you guys wearing to the wedding? I bought a brand spanking (woo-woo) new outfit made entirely out of pigskin. Now if I can get the goddam pig out of it. Speaking of which--
                          ASK MADDIE I ADVICE TO THE LUSTLESS

Dear Maddiel My husband has changed for the worse. When he was a world-class criminal, our sex life was great but then he went straight. Lately things have gone from bad to worse. He's obsessed with punishing 'bad people' as he likes to say. He
to6k to spanking me and the kids for anything we did. That was great but now he just sits in his den making models of RIP ships and smashing them to pieces with a ball peen hammer. Lately, he jumps up and down on them while screaming, ..I'll get you, Curry!.. Last night he urinated on them. The rug is ruined. I don't
mean to be crude but if I don't get some attention soon, I'll
pop. What should I do? Signed--Angelena D., ISP Jax

Dear "D" for Desperatea First off, when your hubby starts throwing a fit-~take pictures. I knowa magazine that will
pay big bucks for them. Secondly, the next time he whizzes on the rug, rub his nose in it and put him outside (or explain to him what a Golden Shower is then do it). Lastly--you are in a starport which I assume has soldiers and you can't get anything going? In that case, hon, you're either diseased or favor a Moodge. Do I have to draw you a picture? Hold on while I look for my crayon...

ROLLO McALLISTER & SWEK .AGENTS OF THE STC
The Case of the Dirty Bird or Bored in Bohr
by Steve Rempel

Sometimes this office is the most boring place in the Periphery. I'd just read my name on my office door for the one thousandth six hundredth time. It said the same thing this time that it had all the other timesa "retsillAcM olloR". I had just made up my mind to sneak out through the air conditioning duct when there was a knock on the door. Swek,suddenly came to life and began sending thoughts.

"I know it's my secretary. you little shit. Who else would knock?"

 That little sucker's had too much catnip again, I thought as I shooed him into the file cabinet. Swek was getting a little mangey around the gills. Maybe he needs a vacation.

There was another knock followed by. "Mr. McAllister."

"Come in, toots!" I yelled. It was my theory that this broad might possibly be the dumbest human in the universe.

"Mr. McAllister," she bubbled, "there's some one, person or man, I think, to see you."

"Jan, do you know Nebo the Moodge?"

"What?"

"Show him in. "

"Er... Leido?"

"Who?"

"The Nooje."

"No. You. ..er. ..Show the man in.'.

"Oh."

"Now please."

"Okey-dokey, sir. "

I've just got to remember her Uncle Freddie is on the Board of this outfit.

She turned revealing a rather shapely posterior.

"Jan."

"Yes , sir? .,

"Why don't you use the intercom?"

"I can't figure it out."

"Those six weeks of training didn't help?

"I thought I could do it but..."

"Never mind. What are you doing Friday night?"

She smiled seductively. "Sorry, sir. That's the night I trim my bunions."

She walked out with that certain sway that sent a message. Unfortunately, that message seemed to be 'Eat your heart out'. I was just beginning to wonder if the bimbo had forgotten where she was again when in walked a little spud of a man in a *1000 suit who smelled like Arpedge. The little weiner was humming. 'Oh, Promise Me'. I thought I'd better get this over with fast before I puked.

"May I help you?" I asked in my most diplomatic tone.

.'Don't get smart with me, McAllister. Just sit down and shut up and listen. I want to be out of your presence as soon
as possible because your type of low-life makes me sick."

"I..."

"Shut up, I said!" he gave me a smile that sent shivers down my spine. "We've been going through our big unsolved cases. These cases involve scum who owe us big money and we've decided to give you one."

"What's this 'we' stuff?" I said. "Got a mouse in your pocket?"

"I thought I told you to shut up. The STC Executive Committee on Bad Debts. You may be interested to know that our

YIKES: Received  this -----------> with an attached note from my hero, Tom Sawyer Samms--  

"Hiya, Maddie: The guards here won't tell me what planet this is, but all. they give me to eat is bacon double cheeseburgers with potassium nitrate or whatever that sex depressor is, so I figure it's the COM colony on Disney's world.  

Reckon my brother Easy will get me out of here soon, but am a bit worried because the warden is a COM admiral who admires Rlo Krieger.

Meanwhile, I've been tunneling under my bunk and got down ten km to a dungeon presided over by a real friendly dragon called Fafnir who's plated with thorlium-jacium alloy and wants to fly me out of here, soon as he and his wife, Big Bertha, can undermine the joint. I may not wait for Easy.

Trouble is, we ain't sure how to get Bertha's 777 newly laid golden eggs aboard my ship at the starport, at 1 MU each. I'll probably micro-miniaturize them. I'll think of something- Tom Sawyer Samms." HANG IN THERE, YOU HOT HUNK--IF EASY WON'T SPRING YOU THEN MADDIE WILL (In more ways than one). Woo-woo.

Agents of the STC continued:

list is usually a carbon copy of the Imperial posted list. This case is an exception, however. We have come across a file that has obviously been computer manipulated. It seems that an entire ship debt and academy tuition shows up paid but it is actually in arrears. You're to leave immediately, if not sooner to find one SMS Lt. Mallard, last known to be aboard the freighter, Ignis Fatuus."

"You don't mean. ..,. I said and my voice quivered.

"That's right, McAllister. We're giving you the Bird."

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Several valium later, I decided on a course of action. I booked a room at SMS Bird's Nest in the Bohr System. Bird's Nest was once the stomping ground of Ms. Mallard and it seemed like a good place to start. I smuggled Swek into the STC Repossession and set the controls for Bohr.

Eight days later we were landing at the starport. If you've never been in Bohr before, don't bother. It's correctly named.

I lost Swek just after checking into the hotel. He told me he was going out for a walk but I read in his mind that he just had to try one of those strange blue birds in the lobby. I begged him to try and stay out of trouble this time. I then ordered room service and settled in for some holographic TV. I had a hunch I would need my strength in the days ahead.

Three days kicking around shops and bars turned up nothing. These folks were as tight-lipped as an STC loan officer. I was thinking of moving on when I spotted a bar called 'O'Reilly's (No Relation) Pub'. What the hell, I thought, any place named that couldn't have anything to hide. As I walked up to the bar an SMS officer to my left slid slowly off his stool and ended up as a heap on the floor.

"I'll have what he's having," I said cheerfully.

The bartender scowled and brought me a beer. "He got that way from drinking beer?" I asked.

"Yeah," the bartender said. 'Several dozen. He's German descended, you know."

"No, I didn't. Who is he anyway?"

"That's Captain Heinz."

"What's his story?" Nobody drank himself into oblivion without a reason, especially on a Tuesday.

"Personal Problems. His family tree's been in the news lately. You see, his father..."

The bartender did not get to finish his sentence.

"So, perhaps you'll be mindin' your own business now, Johnny O' Reilly, and not be spreadin' rumors and gossip," said
a short redhead who made her way across the pub to the fallen captain's side.

"She's kinda cute,"I said to Johnny. "I'll have another beer please."

I felt a tap on my shoulder and started to turn around only to be met with a stunning right cross.

"That's not a proper way to speak to a stranger, stranger," the redhead said. Smiling, she continueda "you'll need to be mindin' your manners from here on in. We've not much tolerance of heathens around here."

"Leave him alone, Erin," the bartender intervened. "He's a paying customer."

"You keep your trap shut, John O'Reilly. Call security and have Heinz taken back to the palace. Then call St. Patrick's
and have them send the church police for our friend here."

The redhead winked at me and continued: "I think the Bishop wants to talk to him."

"Now you listen to me, Erin 0' Dey ," the bartender started slipping into Irishese. "You've no authority to come in here causin' trouble then orderin' me around."

"I've got my authority right outside in the alley. Care to step outside and have a look?"

The bartender took a second too long to answer.

"That's what I thought,'. replied Erin smugly. "Now, do as I say or; there'll be real trouble." And with that she marched off and Johnny the gutless wonder picked up the phone.

By now, my head was clear enough to realize that I didn't want to wait for the church police or anyone who even looked
like them, so I nonchalantly made my way to the door. I opened it right into a pack of men dressed in what looked like choir robes.

"So kind of you to meet us at the door," said the tallest one. "Right this way."

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was taken to a room which was bare except for a bed, a night stand with a Gideon's Bible inside, a lamp and the necessary plumbing. I figure I waited several days during which I made up several long oaths and curses about Swek. If that sucker had stayed with me, I'd not be in this fix. Just when I thought I'd go completely crazy from ~dom and considered reading the Bible, my buddies in the robes came in.

"The bishop will see you now," one of them announced.

Cripes, I thought, it's about time.

They took me to a small, ornate chapel and tied me kneeling. "Wait here, " they said, then left. Smart asses .

A few minutes later, a man walked in dressed in a bright red robe. "Like it?" he asked, smiling. "I am going to promote my- self to Cardinal."

Cardinal! I thoughts Bird's Nest Mallard! This is getting weird!

"Who the hell are you, Pops? I snarled. I wasn't in the best frame of mind from kneeling so long having been married once.

"I'm Father Larry." he said. A quick flip of his wrist sent his censer banging against the side of my head. "And watch your mouth. What are you in for?"

Believe it or not I told him the whole story. I don't understand it. I've never spilled my guts before. It must have been his neat hat.

When I finished, Father Larry gave me a fatherly look and said: "Much will be made clear to you soon, my son. The Bird
is no longer welcome at Bird's Nest because of her lewd behavior. But the church loves her because she tithes mega- stellars. I know it's her guilty conscience but dough is dough. You just go back to your hotel and relax. I just know it will work out"

"Pardon me, Your Grace, but I'm...tied...up."

It was too late. He was gone. Several hours later I talked a cleaning woman into sending for Father Larry. The guys in the robes came and freed me. I made my way back to the hotel as fast as I could, hoping that the good father was right and that the answers would be back in my room.

I noticed that my door was slightly ajar. As I approached my room, I drew my STC badge and approached the door quietly, nerves tingling. I burst through the door, badge outstretched, screaming, "Freeze in the name of the Emperor and the STC:" The bucket of water had been placed above the door perfectly. I removed the bucket from my head and looked around my room. The only thing I found was a note on my bed which said: "You're all wet, McAllister. If you want to get lucky meet me at Chez O'Dey tonight and 8--signed, a Friend."

What the hell, I thought. I could use some luck.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That evening, I made my way to the restaurant. At precisely 8:00 a nun made her way over to my table and sat down.

"Excuse me, Sister, but I'm meeting someone here."

"Very astute, Rollo,.. she said. ..So you are. Let's get right to business."

"Just a minute, Sister," ( I loved to say that) "Just who do you think you are?"

"I'm Maddie Mallard of: course, you moron. What do they teach you yokels at private eye school, anyway?"

I had noticed her peculiar looks but was too polite to say anything.

"Look, pal," she continued. "I can't stay long. If: those damn uptight O'Deys see me they'll have a collective stroke. What do you think of the duds? Do I look like the inside of a Moodge's head, or what? I just don't want to look like a stack of Goodyears, if: you get my drift."

"Well, they. .."

"Anyway, I really don't want any trouble with the STC so back in your room is enough dough to pay for my tuition and my ship. I've thrown in a little something for you for being such a good little Nazi." She winked, then said: .'I've got to make myself scarce but I could spare a little time if you're willing..."

"Sorry, but I don't believe I'm available. Besides, my yacht's double parked and I've got to find my buddy, Swek."

"Your loss, hairball, " she said shrugging and rose to leave . "By the way--it's a capitol offense here to harm Dralms.Colleen O'Dey castrated the last pet owner who was responsible."

"Ca?"

"Those blue birds your mangey little buddy seems to be so hot after. You better catch him, pronto. Ciao."

I went back to my room after dinner. After checking the doors for booby traps, I entered the bedroom only to find a leather attache case and Swek lying on top, asleep!

"Swek, wake up.

"Yeah, I know, She told me over dinner. We made some on the deal, too. Vacation City! Say, you didn't eat one of
those birds, did you?

"Oh, yeah. Well then where did those blue feathers between your teeth come from?

"That's what I thought. We're getting out of here, now."

We just made it. A week and a half later, we got back. I didn't get the vacation I'd planned. In fact, I got two weeks off without pay. It seems someone wired Uncle Freddie with the tip that I had received a bribe. When I didn't turn
it in, they nailed me. I have a hunch that it was that damn Bird. I should have nailed her when I had the chance.

Well, boys and girls, did you enjoy our little field trip through "Wha t-Did-She-Mean-By-Tha t Land "? Hmmmmm? Wanna do it again? Okay, sailor. Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane...hum.hum...mhum I got to the end of this issue and realized that I hadn't mentioned my personal friend, Santa, at all. Took care of that...and I'll take care of you again...come back and see me next month (woo-woo).