1. Shall be addressed as "Sir Piper," "Piper," "Pipe Major," and so forth; but never as "Ol' Leather-lungs," "Haggis" or "Stupid."
2. Will not tolerate whining children and/or nagging women during periods of physical and/or mental practice.
3. Will have his meals served promptly. Particularly, he will be the first to be served; upon request, he will have his meals served in bed.
4. Shall have his bathwater drawn to the proper temperature, with sufficient prior time to heat the bathroom.
5. Insists upon teenagers and/or chattering females limiting any and all telephone conversations to at least three minutes; at any and all other times, said telephone must be left completely off the hook, the better to avoid its ringing during piping periods.
6. Will not allow the washing of clothes, the mowing of the lawn, and any loud utterances and/or conversations during piping periods.
7. Will only permit television viewing when pipes and/or chanter are not being played; or when Pipe Band is featured prominently during live parade coverage and/or on a specific news segment.
8. Will not assume responsibilty for such minor chores as plumbing, painting, gardening, woodwork, or other acts which might result in potential damage to the fingers.
9. Considers as top priority the purchasing of reeds, bags, bag dressings, tassels, kilts, sporrans, ghillies, and related apparel and accessories; with all other matters, including but not necessarily limited to those of a financial nature, to be treated in a secondary fashion.
10. Extends greetings and/or invitations to his fellow Pipers at any given tim
e (even if, should they be requested to play along, he doesn't really mean it!).
11. Will resist, by any means necessary, the inclusion of toy drums, trumpets, whistles, kazoos and other non-reed instruments by otherwise well-meaning relatives, neighbors and friends.
12. Is not necessarily responsible for the opinions expressed herein.
---- Freely adapted from a commentary written by Hamilton Workman
