RANMA 1/2 ADVENTURES Chapter 3: "Worse" Note: text enclosed in < > indicates a foreign language such as Mandarin, English, or Ebonics. [The next day: It is raining. Rushe, in his cursed form, is struggling through the streets of Nerima, burdened down by several bulky paper bags.] Rushe [internal]: Why does this sort of thing always have to happen to me? If I don't make it back to the apartment with these, Rei will pulverize me -- and Yamane might start to think that I'm as bad as that no-good slacker, Danova. Damn it! It's raining, the paper bags are falling apart, I left my clothes back three blocks ago, and the smell of the food is driving me crazy! What else could go wrong? [Unknown to Rushe, he is being watched. From a nearby alleyway, two enormous red-glowing eyes are fixed intently on the tiny dragonet as he flaps his way through the rain. As Rushe passes the alleyway, the owner of the demon eyes begins to move after him... Several blocks later, Rushe begins to realize that he's being watched. He speeds up slightly, occasionally craning to look over his shoulder, and sees the eyes following him! He begins a series of evasive manevers, darting in and out among a maze of vending machines. It's no use; the shadowy creature is right behind him. Rushe rounds a corner, only to discover that it's a dead end. With a small, despairing squeak, he turns around to face the glowing eyes.] [Roll credits.] [Back in the apartment, the four martial artists are sitting around, gloomily contemplating the rain.] Rei: What's taking that man so long? Can't Rushe do a simple thing like getting takeout? Danova [nervous]: Probably the rain is slowing him down a lot. Rei: Yes, well, at least he went at all -- unlike some lazy people I could mention! I'm starving! Yamane [groans]: Stomach hurting... Tenba [brightly]: Try inducing vomiting. Always works for me. [He opens a can of beer.] [All three of the others stare at him in disbelief. He pauses, about to drink.] Tenba: What? [There is a scratching sound at the recently-repaired doorway. Rei gets up to answer it.] Rei: That's got to be him. [She opens the door; D-chan bolts through it like he was shot from a cannon, and makes a beeline for the closet. He slips in through the half-open door, and somehow manages to pull it closed behind him.] Yamane: D-chan! What... Rei: ...the hell is that sound? [There is a steady booming sound, as of a Chinese Amazon punching through walls, quickly growing closer, and the floor shakes. Rei instinctively backs away from the door and pulls out a magic wand; Yamane gropes for a baseball bat; Danova picks up an egg whisk (like he knows how to use it!) and Tenba downs his beer in record time. With an enormous crash, the door flies out from the doorway and plasters Danova, as the girls scramble out of its way. The demon is standing in the doorway, enormous eyes glowing blue, splinters of the doorframe falling around it. Is is fearsome. It is hellish. It is... short?] Yamane: Oh. No. NOOOOOOOOO! Rei: WHAT THE HELL IS IT?? Yamane: It's... it's... Demon: BIRRRRRDIEEEE! [The demon storms into the apartment building, and resolves into a six-year-old girl in a flowered dress and buns. She is enormously kawaii; however, all this must be caught on the fly, as she is moving at near super-sonic speeds. She zooms around the apartment building, overturning furniture and scattering papers all over.] Yamane [broken whisper]: It's... Ku. Ku [storming up to Yamane with a thundercloud on her face]: Yamaneeee! Where my birdie go? Rei: Yamane! You know... this... thing? Ku: Give me my birdie! I know he come in here! Give him baaaaaaaaack! [She does the high-pressure-jets-of-water-from-her-eyes.] [Yamane grabs Ku's shoulder and slaps her across the face. Ku blinks and hiccups, but stops with the waterworks.] Yamane: KU! What... are... you... doing... here?? Ku [brightly]: Oh... I follow from China! Yamane: Does... does Mother know about this? Ku: Who you think send me? Mother want know why -- Danova [groggily, from the floor]: Did somebody get the number of the house that fell on me..? Tenba: It was a door. Danova: Some sort of demon horde mobbed me -- Tenba: It was a little girl. [Ku spots the closet, and bounds over it. As Danova begins to push himself off the floor, the closet door comes sailing through the air and flattens him once more. D-chan, inside the closet, lets out a terrified squeak as Ku glomps on to him.] Ku: Kawaiiiiiii! Yamane: You give me my D-chan! [She also grabs onto D-chan, and tug-of-war ensues.] Ku: No! Is my birdie! Yamane: Is dragon, not bird, you stupid! [She manages to recover her pet. D-chan squeaks and escapes through the open window.] Rei: Who let this... this monster into my house? Tenba: Aw, Rei. Don't be so hard on the kid! I mean, so what if she's a little hyperactive? I think it's cute! [He drops his empty beer can and reaches for another. This proves to be a bad move, though, as it draws Ku's attention to the shiny object.] Ku: Oooooh! That so pretty! Ku want one! [In a split second, she's across the room and into Tenba's room, which was left half-open. Clankings and crashings float back to the main room.] Tenba: MY STASH --! [He moves so fast that for a moment he's actually in two places at once, taking a page out of Rushe's School. It's too late, though; by the time he reaches his room and pulls Ku away, every single bottle in his collection has been broken.] Tenba: NOOOOOOooooooooooo... [He slumps to the floor, staring.] Yamane [switching to Chinese]: Ku: Yamane: Eep. Ku: Eep? What mean eep? That Japanese word? Ku not know... Yamane: Ku: Yamane: Ku [frowning]: Yamane [panicked]: Ku: Yamane: Ku: Yamane: Ku: Yamane: Ku: Yamane: [She pauses and looks around. Danova is extracting a hinge from his mouth; Tenba is sobbing and attempting to suck the last remnants of the alcohal out of the carpet. Yamane winces, and hesitates for a long moment.] Yamane: <...to a man not in this room.> [Ku looks a trifle suspicious.] Ku: Yamane [switching back to Japanese]: He, uh... just go out to get food. Ku [immediately brightening]: Food? Where?? [Just about them, the apartment door opens. A wet Rushe enters through it, carrying the very-bedraggled bags of takeout.] Rushe: Kon -- what the hell happened in here? Yamane: Ku... Ku: Yamane, who this? [In a fit of panic, Yamane musters up her courage and throws herself on Rushe's shoulder with a delighted-sounding squeal.] Yamane: This my husband! [Rei and Danova do a double-facefault. Rushe has the "if-you-kill-me-now-I-will-die-a-happy-man" look on his face. Behind him, in the hallway, Takashido sidles into the room. He glances around at the varied states of incapacity, then walks over to Tenba as the most coherent as the lot. Says something for the rest of them, ne?] Takashido [whisper]: What's going on here? Rushe showed up in my apartment and demanded hot water -- said something about a demon... Tenba: I don't know what's going on except my collection is gone... and now Yamane says that she's been secretly married to Rushe... [With a sound suspiciously like a sob, Rei turns and storms into the bathroom. The door slams shut behind her, and there is a loud splashing sound matched by a shriek that abruptly cuts off. Nobody else notices.] Danova [on fire]: RUUUUUUSHEEEEE... Ku: Ku think maybe -- [She gets no further as Yamane relinquishes her grip on Rushe's shoulder to put a hand around her mouth. This leaves Rushe and Danova free to square off.] Takashido: Well, this looks a trifle, um, awkward... I'll just let myself out. [He heads towards the door, then backs off as he realizes that the doorway and the hallway beyond are somewhat consumed in flames.] Takashido: Err... maybe I'll use the balcony entrance. [He opens the other door and steps outside.] [Takashido's voice seems to jerk Tenba out of his stupor -- he climbs to his feet and heads towards the door after him, grabbing an umbrella along the way.] Tenba: Wait, Takashido -- it's raining outside. Here, use this... where'd he go? [Holding the umbrella open over his head, Tenba squints out into the gloom but sees no sign of Takashido.] Tenba: That guy certainly moves fast. I... huh? [He glances down to see a black-and-white raccoon chittering at his feet. With a yelp, Tenba boots the raccoon off the balcony and directly into the garbage piles on the street below. Sounds of raccoon violence ensue as the feral raccoons take exception to the newcomer dropping in on their territory.] Tenba: Rotten stinking beasts... [He shivers and withdraws back inside.] [Below, Takashido-raccoon drags himself away from the garbage with many an anime scuffle-mark on him. He considers the glass doors of the apartment building momentarily, then shakes his head mournfully and begins to scale the fire escape.] [Back in the apartment, Ku has busied herself eating; Rushe and Danova are still locked in the Stare Contest of Death, and Yamane is sitting on the couch between them looking rather nervous. There is still no sign of Rei. [Takashido-raccoon finally makes it up to the rroom 376 bathroom window. Utilizing his small-furry-mammal-sidekick ingenuity, he manages to scrape the window open and tumbles into the bathroom. There is a rather bedraggled-looking dove fluttering around in the bathtub, feathers too water-weighted for it to fly. The raccoon and the dove exchange stares for a minute, but then Takashido shakes it off and climbs towards the water taps. With some difficulty, he manages to turn the hot-water tap, and teeters on the faucet for a moment as a puddle of hot water spreads towards the dove at the other end of the bathtub. [He is barely able to avoid the edge of the door that suddenly opens as Tenba leans in and grabs something off the medicine shelf, oblivious to the animals in the bathroom. As he closes the door, the edge catches him on the tail, and sends him tumbling off of the bathtub edge into the hot water below. He hits the puddle and changes back, a second before the hot water spreads enough to touch the dove, which transforms into a very startled Rei. [Tenba opens the door again, carrying a washcloth, and freezes as he sees Rei and Takashido sitting in the bathtub together, very much naked. He stares for a second, then blinks, drops the washcloth, and shuts the door again. On the other side, he pauses for a moment, then shakes his head and moves back into his room. Clinking sounds are heard from within -- apparently Ku didn't get all the bottles. [Danova and Rushe are still sitting nose-to-nose, glowing blue and yellow respectively. Finally, unable to take the tension, Yamane leaps to her feet.] Yamane: WILL YOU TWO BREAK IT UP ALREADY? IT ISN'T THAT BIG OF A DEAL, OKAY? [As the boys stare at her, their enmity momentarily shattered by hearing Yamane speak perfect Japanese, Takashido opens the bathroom door, dripping wet, with only a washcloth to cover the essentials. All eyes in the room are drawn to him; Yamane prudently puts one hand over Ku's face, but she pulls the hand away and eagerly continues staring.] Takashido [with great dignity]: Might there be towels found in this abode? [They all stare and do not speak. The answer comes from behind him in the bathroom.] Rei's voice [rather muffled]: They're in the second closet to the left of the kitchen. Takashido: Thank you. [He suavely saunters over and avails himself of the towels. [Takashido is still at the apartment that night; he lies awake on the couch, thinking.] Takashido [internal monologue]: This has been a very strange day... It's almost as if everyone in this apartment has been to those cursed springs Jusenkyo! And then there was that... Tenba... that's a masculine name, and to all appearances he is indeed a man! But... I know I saw what I saw! I must know for certain! Was I hallucinating? Did I mistake him for someone else that I saw in that alley? I cannot take this suspense! [He sits up on the couch, and stares at Tenba's door.] Takashido [internal monologue]: There it is -- Tenba's room. My answer lies behind that closed door. And yet... would it not be dishonorable for me to intrude upon another's slumber, especially in an apartment where I too am but a guest? And yet if there is deception occuring beneath my host's roof, I must know of it! But if my suppositions are correct, then such a trespass would go against my honor as a martial artist of the honorable school of Martial Arts Playground Games. I might run and hide, but I never lie...! Then, at the same time, as a member of the School of Playground Games, the stealth of a ninja is part of my training. This endeavor would not be beyond my capabilities. Yet is it honorable for me to use my training in such a self-indulgent manner? But then again... the purpose of a ninja is to spy, and to use any and all advantages to that end. So be it then. As a human being, such an enterprise would be completely out of the question... but as a raccoon... [Decision made, Takashido rises from the couch, heads into the bathroom, and emerges once again as a raccoon. The small black-and-white creature paused in the doorway and smoothed down its fur, as if adjusting the little black mask over its eyes; then, as the Mission Impossible theme music plays in the background, he begins to cross the floor. [He does not get very far before he steps on the remote to the TV. It comes to life, blaring and flashing lights, and Takashido spends several minutes frantically shuffling before he figures how to turn it off. There is dead silence; the noise does not appear to have woken anyone. After a long, long moment of silence, Takashido proceeds cautiously on. Unwitting, he trips over half of a broken whiskey bottle, and after a moment of awkward scrabbling he suddenly finds himself riding it like a panda might a ball. The bottle rolls inextorably towards the bedroom that is Takashido's target, and with a bang and a clatter Takashido is flung inside the door. [Light from the living room illuminates Tenba, asleep in the bed. He is still clutching a sake bottle in one hand, and the collar of his shirt is loosened. Cautiously -- very cautiously -- Takashido creeps across the room and climbs onto the bed. Tenba mutters something but does not awaken. Gathering his courage, Takashido pauses for a moment beside him -- then swiftly reaches out with raccoon-paws and pulls the shirt open. [For a brief moment, Takashido becomes the happiest raccoon in existence. Then a sudden noise sounds in the living room, and Tenba startles awake, one hand lashing out to smash Takashido against the wall. Ku's voice sounds in the living room next to Tenba's door.] Ku: Tenba? You awake? [Tenba blearily yawns, then looks down with some puzzlement at the flat raccoon against the wall. As Ku's sillhouette appears in the doorway, Tenba hastily closes her shirt, then stands from the bed and takes the raccoon-shaped pancake by the tail.] Tenba: Ku, what's wrong? Ku [close to tears]: I lonely. Yamane say she not want me in her bed, and I leave toys back in China... Tenba: Oh... well. You can't share my room, but... [She glares suspiciously at the raccoon in her hand.] Here. It's not a stuffed toy, but will this do? [Ku's face, spotting the raccoon, lights up, but Takashido screeches in utter terror as Tenba slings him into Ku's waiting arms.] Ku: Arigato, Tenba! Kawaiiiiii! [Tenba pushes her back into the living room; she does not mind, as she is happily strangling her new toy. Tenba pushes the door closed again, and returns to bed.] Tenba: ...henteko na hentai rakuun...* ------------- [The next morning, Rei, Ku, Takashido and Rushe are sitting around the breakfast table. Rei is staring at Takashido with a glazed look in her eyes; Takashido is desperately attempting to avoid her gaze. Tenba emerges from his room; Takashido glances up at him and then looks fiercely at Rushe so as not to blush crimson. Tenba looks at Rei staring at Takashido, and at Takashido staring at Rushe, and crosses the room to put a comforting hand on Rei's shoulder.] Tenba: Look, Rei... I know he wasn't all you'd hoped for. Some men are just that way. Rei [speaking with an effort]: But... he... Tenba: I know it's a disappointment, but you have to learn to accept it; after all, there are other fish in the sea, ne? [Rushe looks up at this, and glowers jealously at Tenba as he seats himself beside Rei with a smile. Rei observes the glower, and begins pointedly snuggling up to Tenba, who does not seem to notice.] Rei: You're right. There are lots of other men out there. [Takashido also observes the snuggle, and chokes, although for an entirely different reason than Rushe's green-eyes rage. Rushe's glare is diverted in half, however, as Danova also emerges from his bedroom and joins them at the table, followed shortly by Yamane and Ku, who is extremely despondant as she has lost her new raccoon-toy. Yamane, aware of Ku's surveilance, attaches herself to Rushe's shoulder, to the dismay of both Danova and Rei. Rei doubles her attempt on the still-oblivious Tenba, which causes Takashido to break out in an outburst of coughing.] Tenba [glancing out the window]: It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day. [He immediately receives the combined glares of the other five, minus Ku.] Tenba: What? *weird pervert raccoon