Ranma and Akane are safely and happily married, and their marital spats never extend beyond the dojo they teach at. Shampoo and Mousse have returned to China; Ukyo let Ryoga lead the way on their last date and the two haven’t been seen since. Perhaps now, Nerima can finally have some peace and quiet...
WHAM. “BAKA!”
Maybe not.
RANMA 1/2
ADVENTURES
Chapter 2: "Why Japan so full of perverts?"
[Later that night, in the apartment. All is dark, all is still. The door slowly creaks open to reveal the self-same racoon. He slips in through the door, then shuts it behind him. The racoon-silhouette scurries across the apartment and enters the bathroom. By some miracle, it is unoccupied. (Hey! You try fitting four people into a one-bathroom apartment and see how often it’s unoccupied!) The racoon closes the bathroom door, and a light goes on under the door.
There is the sound of water running. The water stops running. There is a splash. A moment of silence, and then clankings, shufflings, and scrapings. The water runs again, stops again, runs again. Several small splashes are heard, and one loud splash. The water stops running; a little more banging, and the sound of a toilet flushing. Water then runs again; a small puddle begins to leak out under the door. After a moment there’s another splash, and then the sound of someone swearing. The water keeps on running with varying volume for several minutes while the sound of shufflings and bangings continue, then finally shuts off. The light also goes out, and Takashido steps out of the bathroom, immaculately clad in his tuxedo, his hair dripping wet. He tugs at his bow-tie, adjusting it, then starts off towards Yamane’s room.
He does not make it. In fact, he barely goes two steps before the door to the apartment suddenly slams open, pinning Takashido against the wall. Rei and Tenba stagger in through the door, obviously over the moon, both of them. Rei has an arm around Tenba’s shoulder, as they support each other. Rei is giggling hysterically.]
Rei: An’ this is my... this is my...
Tenba: Wait, wait. Doan’ tell me. Issa Tokyo Tower, right?
Rei [giggling]: Ri-ight!
Tenba: Damn it all. After I woke up there tha’ last time, I swore I’d be more careful.
Rei: No, no.... iss not really the Tokyo Tower.
Tenba: No?
Rei: No! It’s the Eiffel tower!
[She collapses onto the couch, laughing loudly. Tenba keeps his feet and looks dignified. Behind them, unnoticed, Takashido peels himself off of the wall, gently closes the door, and then hides in the closet.]
Tenba: Are you making funna me?
Rei: Course not. You’re my... my best friend ever. This is just my apartment.
Tenba: Nice place.
Rei [generously]: You can stay here as long as you like.
Tenba: No, I got my own place to sleep. Seeya round, Rei-shish-resh -- whatever your name was. [He turns to go out, and bangs into the closed door.]
Tenba: Who put that wall there...?
[Danova sticks his head out of one of the bedroom doors and glares fiercely at the two of them.]
Danova: What on earth are you two doing banging around at this hour in the morning? Some of us are trying to sleep!
Rei: ‘Smy apartment, Dan-chan. I can make all the noise I want.
Danova: Yeah, but if you wake up Yamane, she’ll probably blame me. [He goes back into his room. Rei sticks her tongue out at him. Tenba wobbles over to the couch and sits on it.]
Rei: Say, Tenma-chan, you want something to eat?
Tenba: No, I never eat on an empty stomach.
Rei: Suit yourself. [She pulls herself to her feet and staggers towards the kitchen. Tenba lies down on the couch and begins snoring. Rei stops after a few steps.]
Rei: On second thought, maybe I dowanna eat just right now. [She squints at the floor.] That rug looks awful comfy right now...
[She collapses, dead drunk, on the floor. After several long minutes, the closet door opens and Takashido cautiously emerges. He carefully -- very carefully -- picks his way over Rei and around the couch, heading towards Yamane’s door. With the practiced ninja stealth of a six-year-old stealing cookies, he slips into Yamane’s room. Once there, he begins to search for his backpack. Of all the luck, Yamane happens to be sleeping with it -- one arm around the backpack, one around her pet dragon. Takashido stops and considers the situation for a moment; then, wincing rather, he carefully reaches over and takes hold of the backpack. Yamane mutters in her sleep and pulls it tighter.]
Yamane: Ku... y’cannaveit...
[Carefully, Takashido takes hold of one wrist and moves her arm out of the way, reaching with his other hand towards the backpack she has snuggled against her chest.
Unfortunately, D-chan picks that moment to wake up. He takes one look at Takashido in this compromising situation, and sets up a shriek like all hell. Yamane comes awake instantly, sees Takashido leaning over her, and screams.]
Yamane: HENTAI! HENTAIHENTAIHENTAI!
[Out comes the mallet.]
[In the living room, Rei comes awake and blearily to her feet. Danova bursts out of his bedroom. D-chan comes zooming out of Yamane’s room and straight into the bathroom; there is a loud splash, and Rushe -- magically reclothed -- appears in the living room at a dead run. Only Tenba remains unmoved.]
Danova: Yamane!
Rushe: There’s a pervert in her room! We’ve got to help her!
Rei: What th’ hell is going on?
[Takashido erupts from Yamane’s room, already sporting several large bruises. He is futilely trying to protect his head from Yamane’s furious assault.]
Takashido: I wasn’t! I swear to God I was just trying to get my backpack back!
Yamane: How dare you! HENTAI! How dare you sneak Yamane’s room!
Rushe: Yes, how dare you assault dear Yamane in her sleep like that?
Danova: Yeah, and why didn’t I think of that?
[While Rushe and Yamane mete out punishment to Danova, Takashido makes a break for the door. As he passes the couch, however, a hail of bottlecaps thrown by Tenba assaults him; he staggers back, and Rei takes hold of his collar. Tenba does not appear to have awoken.]
Rei: Look, mister, I don’t know who you are...
Takashido : That’s easily fixed. I am Takashido Tanpopo, Bla --
Rei [shouting]: THAT WASN’T A REQUEST! Anyway, WHOEVER you are, you’ve got no business sneaking around my apartment at night peeping at my guests!
Takashido [feebly]: But... I wasn’t...
[Rushe, Danova, Yamane and Rei close on Takashido in a threatening manner. Yamane is wielding a mallet and looking fierce; Danova has an end table and a similar expression; Rushe is beginning to glow, and Rei reaches into her top hat ominously. Sounds of violence commence.
Takashido, bound head to foot and gagged, is thrown into the closet. Rei slams the door and yawns widely.]
Rei : That should take care of him for a while, anyway. I really need to sleep.
Danova: Say, isn’t that the closet with the leaking pipe?
Rei: It is, come to think of it. I’ve been meaning to get that fixed. But at this hour of the morning I don’t care any more.
[Roll credits.]
[Next morning, the closet is empty. The floor is damp, and there is a raccoon-sized hole in the wall next to the chewed-up ropes. Yamane is not happy that the pervert escaped. In fact, everyone looks a little rumpled this morning, especially Rei, who has a nasty hangover.]
Rei [in a dangerous tone]: Does somebody want to explain to me why *I* had to sleep on the floor in my own apartment?
[Nobody does. Tenba, who actually looks better than any of the others, hands Rei a cup of tea.]
Tenba: Here. This is for your hangover.
Rei [relenting slightly]: Thank you. Now get out of my apartment NOW, and don’t come back...
Danova: Whaat?
Rushe: No! Don’t throw us out!
Rei: ...until you’ve done the shopping. What are you looking so upset about?
[Cut to Rushe, Tenba, and Danova walking the streets of Nerima. Danova and Rushe are glaring daggers at each other as usual; Tenba, holding a shopping list in one hand and a flask in the other, is walking between the two looking quite unconcerned.]
Tenba: Isn’t it a peaceful morning?
[Ominous music. Dark thunderclouds. Tenba is oblivious.]
Danova: Well, aren’t *we* cheerful for a hangover victim?
Tenba: Hmm? Oh, no. Practicioners of the Drunken Martial Arts never get hangovers. Only amateurs do. We’d never get anywhere if we did.
Rushe: “Drunken Martial Arts...” What a joke!
Tenba: Oh yes, because “Martial Arts Quantum Mechanics” just makes so much more sense. Or how about... say, what is it that you do, anyway?
Danova: I’m from the School of Unorthodox Weaponry.
Tenba: The say what?
[Danova (who has spontaneously generated a graduation cap and glasses) pulls down a random white screen, turns on a projector, and uses a wooden pointer to follow the slides as he talks.]
Danova: In ancient times, when samurai and martial artists roamed the untamed wildlands of feudal Japan, the Emperor lived in a constant struggled to forge some semblance of order and civilization out of the chaos. He appointed as his bodyguards a group of martial artists who learned to fight with any weapon, at any time, in any situation. Bandits and rival ninjas could attack in the bath-house -- [shot of soap, towels, and buckets flying everywhere] -- or in the middle of a tea-ceremony -- [shot of one man clonking another man over the head with a teapot] -- or in the middle of a banquet. [Shot of fork-darts and plate-blocks.] The group of martial artists grew legendary in skill, as the idea was popularized; as their numbers grew, many smaller, individual Schools sprang up, some of them quite bizarre. The School of Unorthodox Weaponry is just one of the many Schools that carry on the Anything-Goes tradition of martial arts in modern Japan today.
Tenba: I see.
Danova: That’s all you’ve got to say? What do you think?
Tenba: I think it explains one whole heck of a lot, is what I think.
[A confused-looking young man with a yellow bandana wanders up to the three of them, a disheveled map in his hands.]
Lost Boy: Excuse me. Could any of you tell me which way to the Tendo-ryu?
[They blink at him in confusion, then point off in three different directions.]
Lost Boy: Oh... thanks. [He walks off in a completely different direction. They stare after him for a minute.]
Rushe: I just felt the strangest sensation of deja vu.
Tenba: Trust me. When you drink as much as I do, you learn to ignore these little feelings.
[There is a wht wht wht sort of sound, quickly increasing in volume.]
Danova: What’s that noise?
[Something flies through the air; a bright piece of metal attached to a long, thin cable. It wraps around Tenba’s legs a couple of time, the piece of metal digging into his pants leg.]
NEW VOICE: Tenbaaaaa!
Tenba: Oh, no! She’s found me!
[There is a whzzzz sound, and Tenba is jerked off his feet as the line retracts. The camera follows the line back... up to the top of a nearby building, where the silhouette of a woman with a great deal of fluffy hair and bows on her dress is reeling in on a large fishing pole. Tenba is attached to the other end of it, being pulled up the side of the building.]
Sakami: Darling!
Danova: What...
Rushe: ...the hell?
[In desperation, Tenba punches a hole in the side of the building and clings to it, hanging upside down as he untangles the fishook from around his leg.]
Man Inside Apartment: Aw, not again! My insurance premiums just went down after the last batch of crazy martial artists.
[Danova looks at Rushe. Rushe looks at Danova.]
Rushe: Should we be doing something here?
Danova: I’m trying to think of a way that this is all your fault.
[Tenba falls three stories to land head-first on the pavement. He is up and running in a shot.]
Tenba: Run! Just run!
[Sakami twirls her fishing pole and leaps off the rooftop, hanging suspended against the skyline for a moment in one of those neat anime hang-time effects.]
Sakami: You’re not going to get away this time, Tenba! You’re mine fair and square! [She lands on top of a parked truck and poses dramatically.]
Tenba [over his shoulder]: How many times do I have to tell you -- I’m not going to marry you!
Rushe: Marry her!
Danova: He’s not?
Rushe: Why not?
Sakami: Martial Arts Fly-Fishing Special Attack --
Danova [thinking]: I’m not even going to ask how that one got started... I’ve got a bad feeling that I already know...
Sakami: THOUSAND MACKERAL WHIRLWIND!
[She twirls the fishing pole over her head a couple of times. It starts to -- big surprise -- rain fish. Tenba bounds off down the street, but with a wave of Sakami’s fishing pole, the road is buried under an enormous pile of piscine wildlife.]
Rushe: Holy crow! How did she DO that?
Danova: Don’t just talk -- do something, or else we’re going to be buried in fish!
Rushe: Right!
[He concentrates for a moment, glowing, and then starts flinging large buzz-saw shaped discs of energy indiscriminately about. Sakami leaps out of the way as one heads towards her, forcing her to abandon her attack. The attack detonates strikes the truck she was standing on, instead. Unfortunately, the truck was parked next to a fire hydrant. A huge spout of water flies into the air. Rushe gets soaked. Tenba gets soaked. Danova gets buried underneath Sakami and thus protected from the water.]
[D-chan squeaks angrily as he fights his way out from under Rushe’s clothes. Tenba staggeres for a moment from the force of the water, then catches his balance. His clothes are now clinging wet. Tenba wipes the water from his eyes and looks down at himself.]
Tenba: Ah, shit.
[With a prodigious leap,Tenba clears the pile of flopping mackerel and vanishes down a side alley just as Danova manages to push Sakami off him and sit up.]
Danova: You crazy ditz, what on earth did you think you were doing setting off dangerous attacks in the middle of the street and by all the holy animals in the Hindu religion you’re cute. What’s your name?
[In a dark alleyway, Tenba finally stops running. He is breathing hard and still dripping wet.]
Tenba: Dammit, Sakami’s caught up with me again. And like a fool I didn’t bring my bottle with me... she was probably watching, making sure I was unarmed before she attacked. Damn, now I need to change my shirt before someone sees me!
[ He takes off his shirt and wrings it out. Nearby, a tuxedo-patterned raccoon falls out of a tree with a loud thud that Tenba does not hear. The raccoon lies there stunned, a trickle of blood running from its nose. Tenba shakes out the shirt and puts it on again.]
Tenba: I just hope nobody saw me.
[He starts back through the streets to the scene of the crime, but freezes as he passes a nearby grocery shop and sees an older woman, toting a vacuum cleaner, with her back to the door talking to the store’s proprietor. Tenba crosses to the door and presses against the crack, eavesdropping.]
Woman: I’m looking for a child who goes by the name of Tenba Tanaka, nowadays. Short, hair too long, doesn’t eat enough -- looks about nineteen or so?
Store Guy: Tenba? Oh, yeah, I know him. He runs a bar not too far from here. Comes in here to shop every now and again.
Woman: Can you give me an exact address?
Store Guy: Sure thing. Why are you looking for him, anyway? Are you that fiancee he mentioned once?
Woman: No.
[Cut to the outside of the shop, where Tenba has regained his wits and is fleeing in terror.]
Woman: I’m her mother.
[Back at the apartment building, Rei and Yamane are tidying up after the mess. Rei looks thoughtfully out the window.]
Rei: Maybe I shouldn’t have sent the boys out shopping. What could be taking them so long?
Sakami’s Voice: BAKA! [Resounding slap from the distance.]
Yamane: That my line!
[Switching back to the streets, firemen have secured the broken hydrant and Rushe has secured hot water from somewhere. Danova, however, has not secured Sakami; as she bounces huffily away over the rooftops, Danova sits on a dry spot of pavement and nurses a new bruise. Rushe strolls over to him.]
Rushe: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. First Yamane, and now this girl.
Danova: But... she was so unbelievably cute! That hair! And those eyes! She was an absolute doll -- she could have just stepped out of a box!
Rushe: Box is right. A nice eight-by-eight feet box with padded walls. Have you got some kind of perverted affinity for women who hit you or something?
Danova: No, I just --
[They are interrupted by a wild-eyed Tenba who dives out of an alleyway towards them and clutches at Rushe’s shoulders. He’s carrying a large backpack.]
Tenba:Hide me!
Rushe: What the hell?
Kaasan: Tenbaaaaa!
Tenba: She’s found me!
Danova: Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t we just have this conversation?
Tenba: Not her! Okaasan!
[A well-preserved lady in her late thirties or so appears silhouetted against the rooftops; she is wearing a formal kimono, wielding a vacuum cleaner, and looking rather stern. Tenba dives behind a nearby bush.]
Kaasan: Don’t try and run from me, insolent child! You! Stop there!
Danova [to Rushe]: Think fast!
Rushe: Uh... hello, Mother.
[Tenba, hiding in the bushes, sends out a silent prayer of gratitude for this distraction, then begins to creep away.]
Kaasan [to Rushe]: Tenba? Is that you?
Rushe: Who else would I be?
[She leaps down to ground level and walks over to the pair of them.]
Danova: Oh. Uh. Heh heh, Tenba, it looks like she... um... caught up with you!
Rushe: Darn it.
Kaasan: Is this the kind of disreputable company you’re keeping these days? For shame, Tenba!
Danova: Hey! [Rushe smirks.]
Kaasan: Come along now, child. You’ve had your way until now, but you must return home to your family.
Rushe: But, mom, I was having so much fun!
Kaasan: “Fun” has nothing to do with it. You broke your oath to your fiancee when you ran off like that. That was inexcusable! She has won the right to marry you by combat! Your family respects that! Didn’t you think about poor Sakami’s feelings at all?
Rushe: Uh... well... ah! As a martial artist, I can’t get married while I’m training, can I?
Kaasan: Don’t be foolish. You know perfectly well that you’re not allowed to practice martial arts any more!
Rushe: What? But, mom!
Kaasan: No arguments! [She hefts the vacuum cleaner, which whirs ominously.]
Rushe [thinking]: Tenba, buddy, you owe me big time for this!
Kaasan: We’ll have no more of this foolishness, Tenba. You have dangerously strained your family’s honor with this foolish rebellion.
Rushe: Mother, I’ve always tried to be a dutiful son!
[Kaasan stares at Rushe for a long minute, then raises her vacuum cleaner and clobbers him quite neatly, sending him tumbling away and falling into an open manhole. Danova stares in shock and horror as she turns calmly to him.]
Kaasan: Young man, I’ve had more than enough of these little games. Now, are you going to tell me which way my beloved but rather unstable daughter went?
Danova: Huh...? You mean the fish-girl? No, I don’t know which way she went!
Kaasan: Children these days -- no manners, and less sense. [She proceeds to beat the crap out of him.]
[Back at the apartment, Rei and Yamane are by this time quite upset.]
Yamane: Men! No can even do simple thing like shop!
Rei: They’re probably out somewhere making fools of themselves. Lazy bums! It’s not enought that I’m trying to fit four people into this one apartment --
[She is cut off as Tenba bursts through the door, carrying several items of luggage and looking hunted. His backpack clanks ominously as he puts it down.]
Tenba: Uh... hi. Look, I’m really sorry about this, but I need someplace to hide for a few days.
Rei: What NOW?
[Commercial break.]
[Meanwhile, two floors down...
Takashido, impeccably clad once more in his trademark tuxedo, is talking to Rei’s apartment’s landlord.]
Landlord: Takashido... Tanpopo? Not one of those Tanpopos? I was not aware they had an heir.
Takashido: Well, I was separated from my family at a young age, and raised by feral grade-schoolers.
Landlord: I... see.
Takashido: They trained me in the ancient and honorable School of Martial Arts Playground Games. I’ve recently returned to Nerima from a training trip...
Landlord: Wait a minute. Martial Arts? You’re... a martial artist? [Takashido poses dramatically and nods assent.] Martial Arts Playground Games...?
Takashido: In ancient times, when samurai and martial artists roamed the untamed wildlands of feudal Japan, many martial artists ran into a dilemma. Oftentimes bandits and rogue ninjas would strike at their children while they were at play. The martial artists could not always be at home to defend their offspring, so --
Landlord: All right, all right, I get the idea!
Takashido: At any rate, I’ve been on a trip to better my skills, increase my discipline, and collect Pokemon cards, but I’ll be staying here for a while, and I need to rent an apartment.
Landlord [thinking]: I can’t let this guy leave! Not one of those Tanpopos! I need all the business I can get. But... he’s a martial artist! I already have too many martial artists living here -- Ahah! [Aloud.] Well, what brings you to my humble apartment complex? Have you perhaps been referred to my by a... friend?
Takashido [hedging]: In a manner of speaking. You, um... you’re the only guy who didn’t turn me out as soon as they found out I was a martial artist. What’s up with this town anyway? Everyone seems to associate “martial arts” with “enormous property damage.”
Landlord: Aheheheh. Well, moving along past all that, I have a room for you. Room 276. Just upstairs on the second floor, right underneath the broken... um, that is, just behind the staircase.
Takashido: I’ll take it!
Landlord: But you haven’t even looked at it yet! [thinking] Thank God.
Takashido: I don’t care what -- er, that is, I have total faith in you. Now, if we’re finished, I should go an collect my belongings to move in...
Landlord: Hold on a moment. We haven’t discussed payment yet. For the first month, it’ll be fifty thousand yen, up front, plus a damage deposit...
Takashido [aghast]: Are these your normal payment terms?
Landlord: It is when I’m dealing with your kind.
Takashido [grumbling]: Very well.
[He reaches into his backpack, removes a milk-money purse, and opens it.]
Takashido [counting out coins]: Let’s see now. Five yen... ten yen... twenty yen... twenty-five yen...
[The camera shows a shot of Reishishi’s apartment door. There are a bunch of Japanese characters on it. (Well, what’d you expect??) The subtitle reads “Room 376.” We have just enough time to read the room number before a shadow falls across the door, and it is suddenly ripped off of its hinges by a large, hairy arm.
Inside the apartment, Rei and Yamane look up at the crashing noise. Tenba squeaks and dives under the bed. The Bully enters the apartment. He is an enormous man with a great deal of body hair, shaggy black hair straggling out from a brightly colored beanie cap, enormous muscles, and beady eyes under a heavy unibrow. Garish suspenders and a slight stoop complete the simian image.]
Bully: All right, where is the little runt?
Yamane: Uh, he not here! He... um... out shopping! Yes!
Rei [shooting a dirty glare at Yamane]: We don’t have any idea who you’re referring to. Do we?
Yamane: Huh? Oh, right! We no know what you talking...
Bully: Hah! I knew I saw him come into this building! That coward, hiding behind the skirts of beautiful women... really beautiful women... say... you know, you don’t need to protect that little pipsqueak. I’m a much manlier man... heck, I don’t even have to leave anyone out, if you’re up for a little three-way --
Yamane [producing mallet]: Pervert!
Rei: Back off, you jerk! Who do you think you are?
Tenba [crawling out from under the bed]: Who’s this guy?
Rei: Huh? You mean he’s not that enemy you were babbling about?
Tenba: Never seen him before in my life.
Bully: Who’s this guy? Say, twerp, me and the ladies were having a nice conversation!
Tenba: Oh. Wow. I’m really sorry to have interrupted you, except in that way that I’m completely not.
Bully [trying to work out if that was an insult]: Why, you, uh...
Rei: Say! If this isn’t the guy you’re looking for, then who were you talking about?
[The Bully visibly abandons his efforts to follow half of the conversation and backtracks to the part of it he understood.]
Bully: So he’s out, huh? Well, he’ll be back! And when he comes back, you can give him this challenge.
Rei: Oh, sure, why not. [She holds out her hand expectantly. Yamane gives her an are-you-out-of-your-mind look. Whispers:] As soon as he’s gone, we’ll just throw away the letter and forget the whole thing!
Bully: Huh? You want me to write it down? But... I’m no good at that ink stuff...
Tenba: We’ve got a real winner here, folks.
Bully: That’s right! I’ll be the winner! Tomorrow at the playground, I’ll fight Takashido Tanpopo for the last time, and I’ll put an end to him once and for all!
Rei: Tanpopo... Takashido... where have I heard that name before?
Yamane: Oh, Yamane remember! That name of strange pervert in park yesterday... one who sneak in Yamane’s room last night!
Tenba [thinking of the six-foot-tall Takashido]: He’s a “little runt?”
Rei: Ah, that’s right! I hope this ape pulverizes him.
Bully [oblivious]: Alla time he’s been in my way -- stealing that cat I was about to drown, shaking me down for lunch money I stole fair and square, throwing away those worms I was gonna put down that girl’s dress, hitting me whenever I tries to look up a girl’s skirt...
Rei: ...
Yamane: You think maybe you cheering wrong one?
Tenba: Why, you -- ! Forget Takashido, I’ll beat you to a pulp right here and now!
Rei: Not in my apartment, you won’t!
Bully: Anyway, when you see Takashido, you tell him what I said. [He turns and squeezes back out the doorway. The door swings mournfully on a single hinge. The girls stare at it, then at each other.]
Tenba: Just for the record, that wasn’t in any way my fault...
[Thirty feet below: Several discarded coin-purses are lying on the floor around the table; the landlord is slumping in his chair staring in disbelief at the pile of coins growing in front of him.]
Takashido: ...thirty-five hundred and fifty, thirty-five hundred and fifty-five, thirty-five hundred and sixty, thirty-five hundred and seventy...
Landlord: Where was he keeping all these coins?
[Outside the window, D-chan zooms by, then flies up to the window on the third floor. He is clutching a large paper bag in his claws, which does not seem to be weighing him down any. A few seconds later, Danova, extremely battered, staggers into the door. He is also dazedly clutching a paper bag, that is impeding his progress rather more. Somehow, Danova makes it up the stairs; he stops for a moment outside Apt. 376, staring at the broken door, then gingerly opens it and lets himself in.]
Danova: I’m done the shopping...
Rei: Well, it’s about -- Good Lord. What happened to you? Where’s Rushe? Did you remember to get the soy sauce?
Danova: Uh... I don’t know?
Yamane: Which one?
Danova: Um. Well, I got beat up by Tenba’s crazy mother-in-law --
Tenba: My what?
Danova: That woman you were running from, remember? Sakami’s mother?
Tenba: Sakami’s mother... is here? No, she lives in Kyoto, and how could you get beat up by that sweet little old lady?
Danova [glares]: Well, I didn’t see you staying to deal with her. And anyway, she wasn’t any kind of sweet -- tossing me around with that vacuum cleaner of hers, demanding to know where her daughter went.
Tenba [pales]: Oh. Uh. I see. My mother-in-law, right.
Danova: Anyway, she tossed Rushe down a manhole, and I didn’t see him after that. After the old lady left, I went and looked, but I didn’t see him anywhere. All I found were these.
[D-chan, now sitting on Yamane’s lap and getting fed dinner, shrinks guiltily, but nobody notices. Danova reaches into his paper bag and pulls out a sopping-wet mess of clothes, and drops them on the floor.]
Rei: Hey! NOT on the FLOOR!
[Two floors down, a resounding crash is heard. Takashido loses count.]
Takashido: ...Eleven thousand, seven hundred and -- What was that noise?
Landlord [seizing the opportunity much the same way that Happosai would go for a D-cup]: I don’t know! You should go find out! Right now! We’ll finish this later!
[Takashido shrugs, catches himself as he realizes he made an almost-casual gesture, and rises in a suave and graceful manner. As he saunters mysteriously out the door, adjusting the bow-tie, the landlord collapses in a puddle beside the enormous pile of coins.]
Danova: And here’s the soy sauce.
Tenba [helpfully]: Actually, I think that’s window cleaner.
[Rei glares at both of them, takes the paper bag, and sets it down in the half-kitchen with the other one.]
Yamane: Danova, you so stupid. You not know difference between food and household cleaning chemicals! On own, you probably eat snake or mouse for food!
[Danova blanches at the mention of mice, but retaliates defensively.]
Danova: Well, when a real martial artist is on a training mission, gourmet food isn’t exactly your highest priority! I guess that if you’re a spoiled Chinese BRAT...
Yamane: What that you say? What you call Yamane?
[Out comes the mallet. D-chan beats her to the punch, however, launching from Yamane’s lap to scratch at Danova’s face. Danova slams the little dragon to the ground, and gets malleted firmly into the wall for his pain. He slides to the ground, hands set in the “promise pose.”]
Yamane: BAKA!
Rei: Yamane! Do you mind not making holes in my walls?
Yamane: But, Rei! No can let stupid jerk get AWAY with saying things like that!
Danova [rising groggily to his feet]: Yeah, well, if you weren’t such a violent --
[In the hallway outside, Takashido straightens his suit jacket, and reaches out to knock. The badly abused door creaks and falls off in a heap.]
Takashido: Um. Hello?
Tenba: You’re that guy from the park!
Rei: You’re that guy who broke into my apartment yesterday!
Yamane: You that guy what snuck Yamane room last night!
Danova: You’re the new downstairs front lodger!
D-chan: Squeak!
Takashido: Is this a bad time?
Danova: What are you doing here? Geez, this place is getting overrun with freeloaders.
[Yamane whacks him into the floor and collects D-chan again.]
Yamane: You big one to talk!
Takashido: No, fear not; I mean you no harm. I have recently taken up residence in this apartment complex, and I heard a noise from up here, and felt that, as a martial artist, it was my duty to investigate.
[He steps into the apartment, looks down at the door, and attempts to prop it back up in the doorframe.]
Rei: Say, some guy dropped in earlier today --
Yamane: He did? When? That stupid Xiom, he never know when to quit!
Rei: No, no. Not him -- that big ape guy, remember?
Yamane: Oh! Him! That right, he leave challenge.
Rei: I wrote it down. I’ll go get it. [She gets up to go into one of the other bedrooms.]
Tenba: Hey, I think the water’s ready for tea. I’ll go get it. [He, too, rises and heads into the kitchen. Takashido stares after him.]
Takashido [thinking]: Was I hallucinating it? What’s going on here? I know I saw what I saw! And yet...
[ED. NOTE: For the reader to fully understand what happens next, it is vital for you to understand what was going on in the game. At this juncture in time, the GM asked each of us to make a Perception roll. Yamane and Tenba, both being in the Kasumi range of obliviousness, failed miserably. So although it would seem absolutely impossible for them not to notice the following events, they honest-to-God didn’t see a thing. And so:
Tenba, returning to the living room with a kettle, trips over the recovering Danova, and drops it. It bounces off of the floor and splashes hot water all over D-chan who was sitting demurely in his mistresses’ lap. Yamane was turning to look over her shoulder at Rei at the time, does not notice the sudden transformation of her pet into a wet, naked Rushe.]
Tenba: Oh, damn it all!
[He reaches down to collect the kettle and does not notice either. Danova and Takashido, however, both stare incredulously.]
Danova [in a harsh, strangled whisper]: Rushe! You’re... you’re...
[Rushe gives them a weak, panicked, smile, and desperately grabs a glass of water from the table. He spills it over himself just as Yamane turns back around.]
Takashido [thinking]: Jusenkyo! It has to be! How many people went to those accursed springs, anyway?
Yamane: Now Yamane all wet! Tenba, you stupid man!
Tenba: I’m sorry! I wasn’t looking where I was going!
Takashido [still to himself]: Man..? But... I know I saw...
Danova [still in shock]: But... wait! Yamane! He... Rushe... I mean...
[D-chan glares menacingly. Rei is just now returning with the letter.]
Danova: That’s impossible!
Rei: Nothing’s impossible; just very, very improbable. That’s one of the basic tenants of Martial Arts Quantum Mechanics.
Tenba: That’s the one that Rushe subscribes to, isn’t it?
Rei: Yes. In ancient times, when samurai and martial artists roamed the untamed wildlands of feudal Japan --
Tenba: Forget it! Just forget I asked!
Danova: Wait a minute. Quantum mechanics weren’t invented until the twentieth century. So how could feudal-Japan martial artists have developed a fighting style around it?
Rei: Well, if you hadn’t interrupted me, I might could have told you.
[Takashido grabs Tenba by the arm. Tenba scowls at him.]
Tenba: What do you think you’re doing, buddy?
Takashido: We need to talk. [He pulls Tenba into the nearest unoccupied room, Danova’s bedroom, and shuts the door.]
Tenba: I don’t even know you!
Takashido: That’s one of the things we need to talk about.
Tenba: I don’t particularly like you, either.
Takashido: That’s another thing we should talk about.
Tenba: My mother sent you, didn’t she? She’s trying to get me married off to Sakami, isn’t she? You think that just because I got a little careless and let that little fish-obsessed maniac catch me off guard, that all of a sudden I’m easy prey for every knockabout martial artist or down-in-the-dumps ninja trying to make a name for himself? That’s what you think, ISN’T it?
Takashido [startled]: I’ll admit... that one hadn’t occured to me...
Tenba: Are you going to issue a challenge already?
Takashido: No, I’m not going to issue a challenge --
Tenba: Oh, I see. One of those “strike-where-you-least-expect-it” types.
Takashido: That’s not it at all! Look, I didn’t come here to fight you!
Tenba: Well, we’ll at least take it outside -- huh? You didn’t? Well, who did you come to fight? Danova, or Rushe? I’m warning you, if you have some sort of the grudge against Rei or Yamane, I’ll --
Takashido: No! I didn’t come here to fight anybody! [Pause.] Nice of you to offer, though.
Tenba: Yeah, well, they’re just girls. Can’t be expected to stand up to a real martial artist in a fight.
Takashido: That’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. You see --
Tenba: Buddy, you don’t make any sense.
Takashido: Maybe that’s because you don’t let me finish my sentences!
Tenba: Sorry!
Takashido: Can I continue?
Tenba: Go ahead.
Takashido: You’re done interrupting?
Tenba: Sure.
Takashido: Thank you. [Waits a beat.] Now. Look. We got off on kind of the wrong foot yesterday, but I really don’t want us to be enemies. So how about we start over? I am Takashido Tanpopo, of the School of Martial Arts Playground Games, and I wish to extend a formal declaration of truce and goodwill.
[Long pause.]
Takashido: Uh, that’s your cue.
Tenba: Thought you didn’t want any interruptions.
Takashido: ...
Tenba: Oh, all right. My name’s Tenba Tanaka, heir to the Hebereke-fu, and I accept your truce. [He grins.] Are we friends now? Can we kiss and make up?
[Takashido begins to blush wildly. Tenba looks alarmed.]
Tenba: It was a joke!
Takashido [looking disappointed]: Oh. Darn. I mean, I knew that. Look, I, um, I was just sorta wondering something...
Tenba [thinking]: What the hell is up with this guy? Is he trying to put moves on me or something? This is really weird!
Takashido: I mean... I mean... I was kind of noticing that for a guy, you’re kind of... small.
Tenba [bristling]: I’m big enough to wipe the floor with you, punk!
Takashido: No, no! That wasn’t what I meant at all! I just couldn’t help noticing, yesterday in the... park, that you’re very, uh, agile. And fast.
Tenba: Uh, thank you?
Takashido [floundering, getting more and more embarrassed]: I, uh, heh heh... don’t take this the wrong way, but I couldn’t help noticing your, um... er... body.
[Tenba stares at him for a long moment, shocked. Takashido stares at the floor, turning an interesting shade of maroon.]
Tenba [in a revelation]: Oh, I see! [thinks] I get it! He’s gay! Well, as cute as he’s being about it, he’d be in for a serious letdown. It wouldn’t be nice to string him along.
Takashido: You do? So --
Tenba [kindly]: I’m sorry, Takashido, but I don’t swing that way. I hope you do find somebody nice, though, someday.
Takashido: Huh?
Tenba: This doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, though.
Takashido: What the heck are you --
[Enter Sakami, through the window, spraying glass shards across the room. Her fishing rod is equipped with an all-new nasty-looking hook, and Sakami herself is glowing in a rather angry manner.]
Tenba: Oh no -- Sakami Sanzenin!
Sakami: Tenba! You dare to scorn me? I will have vengeance!
[She swings her fishing rod. Tenba raises his arms to block, but Takashido springs in front of Sakami. Pulling a long forked stick from somewhere on his person, he fouls Sakami’s line with it, and pins the fishing pole. Sakami attacks him with a spare sinker, but Takashido easily counters the blow, and knocks Sakami to the floor.]
Sakami: Hey! Who the hell are you?
Tenba: Hey! What the hell d’you think you’re doing?
Takashido: Uh, stopping her?
Tenba: Who asked you to get involved anyway? She’s my fiancée, wanted or not! And I don’t take kindly to other people barging in on my fights!
Takashido: But she attacked you without warning... I was just trying to protect you!
Tenba: Mister, the last thing I want is your ‘protection.’ I’m a big boy! I can handle my own fights! I don’t need help, and I certainly don’t need help from a fourth-grade wimp like you.
Takashido: What! You dare slur the honor of the School of Martial Arts Playground Games?
Sakami: Uh...
Tenba: Damn straight I dare! How d’you expect to be able to ‘protect’ people who could wipe the floor with you in a heartbeat?
Sakami: Hey --
Takashido: That’s not the point!
Sakami: I’m still here, you know!
Tenba: Huh?
Takashido: Oh, sorry --
[The door opens, and Danova rushes into the room.]
Danova: I thought I heard -- It is! It is you, the crazy fish-girl!
Sakami: You! That pervert from earlier today!
Tenba: You two know each other?
Danova: The nerve, you two beating up on a beautiful girl! Well, don’t worry, Sakami, I’ll protect you!
Takashido & Tenba: ...
Sakami [bursts into tears]: My whole life is ruined thanks to you, Tenba! Don’t think I’ll forget this -- ever! I WILL have veang -- get your hands off of me!
[Danova meets the floor. Floor meets Danova. Sakami leaps out of the window and goes bounding across the rooftops, screaming for revenge. Tenba and Takashido stare out into the night after her.]
Takashido: I think I ought to get back to my own apartment now.
Tenba: I think I need a drink.
Takashido [indicating Danova]: What about him?
Tenba: What about him? This is already his bedroom. [Turns to Takashido.] Well, Tanpopo-san, you have made my life into a living hell. I only pray that our paths never cross again so long as a living man remains on the face of this planet.
