Thoughts I: Thoughts on a Rainy Day by Leigh Alexander leigh_xf@geocities.com First posted: November 12, 1996 RATING: G CATEGORY: VA SPOILERS: Paper Clip KEYWORDS: None SUMMARY: Similar to a "Scully's diary entry" type story. Scully reflects on her life, the X-Files, Melissa and Mulder. DISCLAIMERS: 1) Dana and Fox belong to Chris and Ten Thirteen Productions and the other Fox. Absolutely *no* copyright infringement is intended - I'm not doing this for money, I'm doing it for love. I *love* these characters, I wouldn't want to hurt them! :) 2) OK to archive, but if it's going anywhere other than Gossamer, please drop me a line just so I can keep track. 3) Feel free to distribute and discuss this, as long as my name and addy remain attached. INTRO: This is a really short one that just came out. I've read a number of "Scully's Diary" type stories and I am certain that it has got to be one of the hardest things to try as it really involves getting into Scully's head with as much conviction as possible. This is my attempt and I know it's imperfect but I hope it's passable! ------------------------------------------------------------- - Thoughts I: Thoughts on a Rainy Day ------------------------------------------------------------- - Sometimes I find myself wondering what my life would be like if I hadn't made certain decisions. These thoughts can't be new ones - it is part of our nature as humans to question such things is existence, being, life and destiny - and now I find that it is my turn to consider the question of "what if". For the past four years, the X-files have had an overwhelming presence in my life. I find it hard to imagine my life without the cases and without Mulder, although I know that such a time did exist. It would be easy to say that I regret becoming Mulder's partner. My work with the X-files has given me little reward - certainly none of the material benefits that I once believed to be important: status, money, security - and has instead mostly caused me grief, while also constantly forcing me to defend my own beliefs often to no benefit other than giving Mulder something to leap off from. And yet these negative aspects somehow pale when compared with my sense of accomplishment when finishing a case. Before Mulder - and that is what my life has become, before and after Mulder - I would never have thought to go to the extremes to which I now constantly find myself reaching in order to search for that elusive goal: The Truth (and how can those words not be in capitals when heard from Mulder's mouth?). For me the truth always has and always will lie in science and yet in the past I would have been content to stay with accepted wisdom and conventions. Now I find that in order to contest Mulder's outlandish theories I must go above and beyond accepted dogma and in doing so, I achieve heights which I would never imagined possible. I owe Mulder at least that, it seems. Melissa's death is something I can never forgive myself for. And I would be lying if I said that I didn't believe that Mulder was partly responsible also. If I had the choice between working with Mulder and the X-files and Melissa being alive there is no doubt in my mind which option I would choose. However, those are the sort of choices that we are never offered in life and if we are we never see them for what they are. Maybe I was offered a choice all those years ago when I was called into that office and asked to "observe" Agent Mulder - debunk his theories and discredit him was what they meant of course. Was that the moment? The point at which I could have stepped back and continued on with my safe and happy life? Who knows... And yet now that I am firmly attached to the X-files I am determined to pursue them to the end. Melissa's death happened because of my work and my involvement with Fox Mulder, but maybe her killers can be brought to justice through my work and my connection with Mulder. Mulder once spoke about fate. Fate... Was it in fact Melissa's destiny to be murdered? I hope to God that it wasn't. There are more reasons why I remain with the X-files, of course, and it is not just as a way of extricating my life from the web that has been woven around me - my disappearance, Melissa's murder... these are only factors. Events have spiralled out of control and Samantha's disappearance - the original cause - has been joined by other truths that need to be known. What I admire most about Mulder is his determination - his unflinching and driving perseverance which pushes him closer and closer to the edge every day. The edge... the edge of the lies, the revelation of the truth? Or the edge of sanity? Sometimes I fear for him. Sometimes I fear for myself also, but that is normal - everyone fears for their own safety. My fear for him can overwhelm me on occasions. His death would be their final victory. So far he has managed to elude them. His "alliance" within the government has sheltered him from danger, but I fear that that cannot last. And if he were to die? The thought leaves me cold. I had a dream last night. I think it is that dream that has prompted these ramblings... as it appeared to be an alternate life for me. I was in a garden - Mulder was nowhere to be seen, instead I had a young child next to me and an unfamiliar man lying on the grass next to the child. No-one spoke in this dream and yet I recall a feeling of warmth and contentedness. And yet despite this apparent happiness, I distinctly remember the vague and troubling sensation of something being missing. Thinking about it now, I am sure that this "lack" was merely a subconscious reflection on Mulder's absence. We spend so much time together that it is not surprising that I should notice his non-presence. It would be silly to interpret this as being some sort of damning portrait of what my life would have been like without the X-files... Wouldn't it? ~ THE END ~ ------------------------------------------------------------- Told you it was short. Thanks for reading. Comments are welcome. leigh_xf@geocities.com