"B'Elanna, I really wish you wouldn't do that now. You're supposed to be driving."
B'Elanna threw a quick glare at Tom and resumed applying her mascara in the rear view mirror with one hand and steering with the other. She responded pointedly, "If somebody hadn't spent an hour in the bathroom adjusting the part in his hair to hide his bald spot, maybe I could have done this at home. Besides, this traffic isn't going anywhere!"
"I was trimming my nose hair! I am not going bald . . . well, not really bald anyway. Not like the doctor." Tom turned sideways in the front passenger seat, his voice raised in frustration. "You're going to get us in an accident."
"Traffic is barely moving, Tom." She gestured angrily with her mascara brush at the cars creeping along slowly all around them on the freeway. When the cars in front of her began to move forward unexpectedly, she stomped on the accelerator. "Stop telling me how to drive!"
As Tom opened his mouth to protest, Tuvok chimed in. "As fascinating as I find this discussion of B'Elanna's driving and Tom's body hair, I am afraid that it lost its charm after the first dozen repetitions."
"Amen!" said Chakotay. He was wedged between Tuvok and Seven in the back seat of the ancient Honda Civic. Seven was sleeping peacefully, only the top of her scalp visible as her head lolled forward over her crossed arms. B'Elanna dropped the mascara in her purse and fished around for her lip liner pencil with one hand. She scowled in the rear view mirror at the two men.
"Listen, I don't need any comments from the peanut gallery- " she began, only to be stopped by the sudden look of panic in their eyes. Glancing forward, B'Elanna noticed the red brake lights of the car in front of them advancing at a frightening rate. She slammed on the brakes, bracing herself against the steering wheel. "Oh crap!"
The tires squealed over the asphalt, drowning out the curses of the three men. The tiny car screeched to a halt inches from the proceeding vehicle and B'Elanna felt a sudden blow as inertia propelled the sleeping Seven into the back of her seat. The smell of burning brakes filled the already hot passenger compartment.
"What the hell is going on?" shouted Seven, rubbing her rapidly stiffening neck. Tom and B'Elanna started yelling at each other, Chakotay put his head in his hands, and Tuvok began slowly thumping his forehead against the window frame. Seven rolled her eyes and sighed exaggeratedly, "Forget I asked."
After a moment, Chakotay abruptly raised his head and bellowed, "SHUT UP! Both of you! Now!" Tom and B'Elanna fell instantly silent and turned to regard him with suddenly meek eyes.
"That's better," he continued. "I've had about enough of your bickering. We need to put our heads together and think of a faster way to get to work. If I'm late one more time, I'll lose my job. If I lose my job, we lose our chance of getting a bigger car. And if I we don't get a bigger car soon, I AM GOING TO HURT SOMEONE!" His voice got louder and louder as he flexed his cramped shoulders in frustration.
"At the very least, we need a car with air conditioning." Tuvok said, wiping his sweaty forehead on one sleeve.
"Yeah, Tuvok, I've been meaning to mention a quaint little earth custom you might want to try," Tom said sarcastically. "It's called deodorant."
Tuvok raised one eyebrow and was about to take umbrage when B'Elanna broke in. "You want to get to work on time, Chakotay? Hold on!"
The overburdened tires squealed again as she gunned the engine and steered for the unpaved freeway shoulder. B'Elanna grinned evilly at the curses from the back seat as the sudden acceleration piled them all into Seven's corner. Tom lunged to roll up the windows as roadside dust boiled into the car from the spinning wheels. Seven groaned in pain from under the tangle of bodies as Chakotay and Tuvok carefully extricated themselves. Chakotay shouted angrily, "B'Elanna! What are you doing?"
"Getting you to work, Chakotay!" she explained with mock innocence. "There's an exit ramp right ahead. It will be much faster on the surface streets than the freeway."
"It had better be." he said, grimacing as Seven wrenched her shoulder bag out from under him. Seven popped the bag open to examine the contents.
"You've totally crushed my can of Slim Fast! What am I supposed to do for lunch now, B'Elanna?" Seven exclaimed furiously, moping at the spilled drink with the closest thing she could find. Unfortunately, it happened to be Chakotay's suit jacket. He snatched it out of her hand with an inarticulate growl of rage.
"What's the matter, Barbie? Afraid you might balloon up to a size two if you eat solid food for once?" said B'Elanna, a sneer twisting her lips. Before Seven could respond, B'Elanna swerved right to careen down the exit ramp. Unable to brace themselves in time, Tuvok and Chakotay flew helplessly into Seven's corner again. When they finally screeched to a halt at a traffic signal, the entire car was silent except for a few moans from Seven and labored breathing as Tuvok and Chakotay struggled to right themselves.
Out of her side mirror, B'Elanna saw an expensive looking black car slide along the side of them. The car's passengers were obscured from view by heavily tinted windows. Before the light could change, one of the doors opened and Harry Kim got out. He took one step to B'Elanna's window and took a large gun from a holster hidden under his black Armani suit. He said in a menacing voice, "Get out of the car."
"An Asian car-jacker, Harry?" said Tom dubiously. "That's even more of a cliche than the green, young ensign bit."
The tinted window of the black car glided noiselessly down to reveal Neelix at the driver's seat. He said, "Why are we taking a 1980 Honda Civic? We can't get anything for that piece of junk!"
"It's been a slow morning, Neelix. Now shut up!" Harry hissed over his shoulder. Turning back to the Honda, he pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut briefly. He waved the gun in an agitated manner. "I don't think you understand, Tom. I said to get out of the car and I AM THE ONE WITH A GUN!"
"Gee whiz, there's no need to shout." Tom opened the door and unfolded his long legs from the cramped front seat. Muttered curses and grumbling could be heard as everyone else piled out of the car like so many clowns at the circus. As they formed a pathetic line along the shoulder of the off ramp, Tom said, "This really isn't like you, Harry. You used to be such an upstanding guy. Now you're kind of a low life."
"Hello? You're criticizing my life?" Harry waved his gun again in disbelief. "I'm driving a Lexus and wearing Armani suits. You're riding shotgun in a Civic and wearing clothes from the Salvation Army. I don't think you want to start comparing vocational choices with me!"
"I don't know about the Armani suit, Harry. It seems a bit over the top." B'Elanna folded her arms across her chest and looked him up and down. She glanced at Seven for confirmation of her assessment. Seven nodded her agreement. B'Elanna continued, "I think you should really choose something less conspicuous for committing a felony. What if there's gun play involved? You'd never get blood out of a silk tie or-"
She stopped abruptly when Harry stepped up to her and put the barrel of his gun under her chin. His face was inches from hers. She could see the corner of his eye twitching rapidly as he whispered, "Not one more word B'Elanna or so help me..."
"Harry!" Neelix shouted from the Lexus.
Harry spun around to face him. "Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"We need to get going. Janeway will have our ass if we don't make our quota." Neelix said.
"Janeway!" Chakotay said incredulously. "Kathryn Janeway? The head of a car-jacking ring?"
"Your point is... ?" Neelix said slowly.
"She totally ditched me! I took her to dinner at Spago and then she never called me again!" Chakotay grabbed Harry by the back of his jacket and hustled him over to the Lexus. Opening the back door, he hurled the vigorously protesting Harry in and then let himself into the front seat. He ordered, "Take me to Janeway, and step on it!"
As Neelix drove away, they could hear him say, "Is it me, or do you smell like Slim Fast, Chakotay?"
B'Elanna, Tom, Tuvok, and Seven regarded each other in solemn confusion, ignoring the honks and shouted curses from the cars trapped behind them at the light. Finally, B'Elanna shrugged fatalistically and said, "Well, that about does it for me. I say we skip work and go to the beach."
"Sounds great!" said Tom. Tuvok and Seven echoed their agreement. Tom continued, "But, this time, I think you'd better let me drive."
"The hell I will!" B'Elanna said belligerently. She and Tom began to talk at the same time, voices raising in volume as each tried to drown the other out. Tuvok looked at Seven, one eyebrow raised in a question. At Seven's nod, Tuvok reached out and gave both of them the Vulcan nerve pinch. Tom and B'Elanna slumped to the ground to lay unconscious among the empty beer cans and big gulp containers. With a satisfied sigh, Seven said, "Tuvok, I think I love you."
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