By Quamp
Disclaimer: Politically Incorrect is copyright, MST3K is copyright Best Brains. This fan fic is not for profits.
I guess you could call this a meeting of the mindless.
Cast:
The moderator: Bill Maher
Themselves:
1. The Master from Manos: The Hands of Fate
2. Captain Joe from Fugitive Alien & Star Force – Fugitive Alien II
3. Krankor from Prince of Space
4. The Fundamentalist Guy from The Dead Talk Back (FG)
5. Mr. B Natural from Mr. B Natural
6. Valeria from Robot Holocaust
(Scene opens up after the monologue. Bill sits down.)
Bill: This week we're going to try an experiment here. We have 6 panelists instead of 4 for this week. Our first panelist is from El Paso, Texas, he leads a cult of Manos worshipers down there, say hello to the master.
(Applause. The Master's theme from Manos: The Hands of Fate plays in the background. This is the one that alternates between a cat jumping up and down on a piano and someone trying to strangle a clarinet. The applause quickly stops as the music starts.)
Master: You will believe in the power of Manos! Manos is all-powerful! Manos is all Evil!
FG: Now just hold on a moment here! I will not have you spreading all that evil around here! There is but one person you should follow and that is Jesus!
Bill: Fundamentalist Guy, we'll get to you in just a moment.
Master (getting wide-eyed): So you think your puny God can resist the will of Manos!? Manos is all-powerful! Manos is all evil! All shall fall before Manos!
Mr. B (obscenely cheerful unless otherwise noted): Now boys, come on, we're not here to discuss religion. We're here to have fun, fun, fun!
Valeria: Neiver vune of you keuld ressesst the pawver of ze Dart Veun!
All but Valeria: What did she say?
Bill (trying to restore order): Let's just move on here, shall we? Next we have Captain Joe from the Star Force.
(The Master's theme stops, and the Star Force theme starts. More applause, which stops shortly thereafter.)
Joe (slurred speech): H-h-h-hello.
FG: You're drunk! You've been taking in that vial concoction the demon rum, haven't you!?
Master: Oh, stick it up your fundamentalist hard –
Bill (interrupts): Please, please. At least let's get finished with the introductions before we start arguing here.
(Star force music stops.)
Bill: Next to Joe we have a man who has a planet named after him. He lists his occupation as interstellar conqueror, say hello to Krankor!
(Applause. This quickly stops when the theme to Prince of Space is played.)
Krankor: Hahahahaha! You pathetic humans have no chance against me! I will conquer you all!
Master: No, Krankor, you will not conquer us all! You will obey the will of Manos!
Krankor: Oh, spare me the balloon juice. You are master of nothing!
Valeria: Neiver vun of you keuld stahnd up to ze Dart Vun!
FG: There's only one master in this world and that is Jesus! Nobody else can be master!
Mr. B Natural: Now boys, we're not here to fight! We're here to have a calm discussion about the topic Mr. Maher has selected for this week.
Master, Krankor, and FG: Shut up!
Bill (interrupts): Everyone, please, (Trying to calm them down.) Let's finish the introductions, shall we? Now to my right is a man that works as a custodian at a church, say hello to the Fundamentalist Guy from The Dead Talk Back.
FG: Good day to everyone, and let the power of –
Master (interrupts): Manos! Manos is all-powerful! Manos is all evil!
Krankor: You and your pathetic God! You've said the same stupid things over and over! I wish I never had to hear from you again!
(Suddenly Mastery, the Master sprite appears.)
Mastery: So you never want to hear the master again? Well, I'll grant your wish!
Bill: Who are you?
Mastery: The name's Mastery, the Master Sprite! I heard your wish, and now I'll grant it!
Master: No, you will not grant this fool his wish! You will obey the will of Manos!
(The master disappears in a puff of smoke.)
Bill (trying to stay sane, beneath his breath): This is not real. This cannot be happening. I could never have done something to deserve this.
Valeria: Vere did zis master go?
Mastery: Noooo Master! Hehehehehehe! (bweep boop!)
Mr. B Natural: Now Krankor, that wasn't a very nice thing to do here! You should ask Mastery to bring the Master back!
Krankor: Never! Now with that buffoon out of the way, I'll take over the world!
Hahahahahaha!
FG: Good riddance to bad rubbish I say! He was nothing but a troublemaker and a rebel rouser!
Bill: Let's move on, shall we? Next to the Fundamentalist Guy we have Mr. B Natural.
Mr. B Natural: Hi boys and girls! Say, have you ever thought about playing an instrument? It's all fun, fun, fun!
FG: Music is the work of the devil! It leads to things like dancing and fornication!
Valeria: All vill bow befawer the Dart Vun!
All but Valeria: Speak English!
Mr. B Natural: Oh, come on, Fundamentalist Guy! Let me tell you about a boy I know named Buzz Turner. Now, Buzz was an average kind of lad –
FG (interrupting): Who YOU tempted with your evil music!
Krankor: You and your pathetic God. Your God won't save you when I take over the world! Hahahahahaha!
Bill: Well, last guest we have comes to us from the post-apocalyptic future, say hello to Valeria from Robot Holocaust.
Valeria: Zank you. Ze aege of ze Dart Vun is upon uz.
FG: You must serve evil! I will not allow you to take over the world here!
Bill (interrupts): Please! Stop this right now! Let's maintain some decorum here, people!
(Everyone but Bill starts talking at once. They all jump to their feet except for Bill and Captain Joe.)
Bill: All right, from now on, I screen EVERY guest.
Krankor: You talk tough, woman, but I will win in the end! Hahahahaha!
Bill: You understand what she's saying?
Krankor: Not in the least, but I know she wants to take over the world. Well, you can't! I will take over the world! Hahahahahaha!
FG: The world already has a ruler, and that is Jesus! Nobody can take the world away from Jesus!
Valeria: Ze Dart Vun haff kontrul of everyzing now! You vill not ressest its powver!
(Bill is handed a note by a stagehand.)
Bill (Reads the note): What!? Are you out of your minds? (Rolls his eyes) Mastery, could you please bring back the Master?
Mastery: Well, if you're sure you want him back here.
FG: Well, I for one don't want him or any of his satanic stuff back!
Krankor: I don't want that idiot back either! Hahahhahaha!
Mastery: Well, All right. I'll bring him back! But don't make that wish again!
(Mastery vanishes, and in his place is the Master.)
Master: So, you choose to defy the will of Manos! Then you must die! Die!
Krankor: No, it is you who will die!
(Krankor pulls a gun from his hand, and the Master and he fire energy bolts at the same time, hitting each other. (The master does so from his hands. They turn each other into ashes.)
Mr. B Natural: AAAHHH!
Bill: O.k., this has officially gotten out of control now.
(Suddenly the Master and Krankor reappear, right where there ashes were.)
Master & Krankor (simultaneously): FOOL! Did you think you could get rid of me so easily!?
Mr. B Natural: Now boys, you shouldn't fight like that. I know what to do! Presto!
(Mr. B Natural holds up her hands, and a trumpet and a trombone appear.)
Mr. B Natural: Now, I know we can all work out our differences with the gift of music! That's right, you two would be much, much happier if you channeled all that anger into music!
Captain Joe: You promished me Shaki! I want my Shaki!
Bill (stands up): O.k., That's it. I give up. We'll not talk about the Enron scandal this week. You just fight amongst your selves.
(Bill stands up, and then exits. The others are stunned briefly.)
FG: What's eating him up?
Master: He sees the futility of fighting the will of Manos! You all will fall under the will of Manos!
Krankor: No! You all will bow to me! Hahahahahaha!
Valeria: Ze Dart Vun vill rule you avl!
Mr. B Natural: You should choose the wonderful world of music! I'll bet you're a natural on the clarinet! Allegro!
(The trumpet in her hand changes to a clarinet.)
Mr. B Natural: Just give it a try.
(Mr. B Natural gives the clarinet to Valeria. She takes it, and then hits Mr. B in the head, knocking her out cold.)
Valeria: Zis iz probavle ze behst zing you kuld do.
All but Valeria & Mr. B: What?
FG: You must be talking in some satanic tongue! I won't be swayed by you!
(FG takes out a bible and holds it up to Valeria.)
FG: The power of the scripture, the one true word of God will save you!
Master: You DARE show that filthy rag in my presence!? You shall die for your actions!
(The master shoots a bolt at FG, but it bounces off of him and strikes Captain Joe's chair out from beneath Captain Joe.)
Captain Joe: AH! (looks around) I still want my Saki!
(Suddenly Torgo staggers in, and picks up the unconscious Mr. B Natural.)
Torgo: At LaSt! I nOw HaVe a WiFe!
Master: Torgo! She will be mine!
Torgo: BuT MaStEr, YoU hAvE So MaNy WiVeS… ThIs OnE, ThIs OnE iS mine!
Master: Torgo! Do you want me to kill you again!?
FG: How DARE you try to kidnap this wonderful man – erm, woman – whatever for your sinister needs!
Krankor: Nothing is as sinister as me! Hahahahahaha!
Valeria: Ze Dart Vun iz ze mazter of ze world! None zhall resssesst him!
Captain Joe (Shouting): I WANT MY SAKE!
(Captian Joe passes out.)
FG: Now do you see the EVIL that is alcohol!? You should repent your sins while you have the chance!
All but FG: Shut up!
FG: You may be able to silence me, but You will never silence the word of Jesus!
(Krankor, the Master, and Valeria attack the FG at the same time, killing him.)
Master: Now all shall obey the will of Manos!
(Suddenly Prince of Space, Daddy-O, and Arch Hall, Jr. enter.)
Krankor: YOU! Prince of Space!
Prince: That's right, Krankor! I have returned! Whenever you try to take over this world, I will be there to stop you!
Master: And who are you!?
Bart: Bart Fargo here! We have you surrounded; you should give up!
Daddy-O: The name's Daddy-O. Rocker, roller, and red-hot lover!
Valeria: Ze vill all fall under ze spell of ze Dart Vun!
Prince: There will not be anyone taking over the world while we're here!
(Krankor fires his weapon at PoS, but the weapon doesn't hurt him.)
Prince: Silly Krankor, when will you learn that your weapons won't affect me?
(The master shoots a bolt from his hand, turning PoS into barbeque.)
Krankor: Hahahahaha! I've been trying to get rid of him for years! You know, I think together we can take over the world!
Valeria: Vets Avl join togetver for ze Dart Vun!
Master: So, will you stop us!?
Arch: Well, I got a date with Roxie, and I don't want to spoil that.
Daddy-O: That's why we're going to end this the only way we can!
Master: And how might that be!?
Arch: We're going to sing California Lady! And as a duet, no less!
Arch and Daddy-O (sings): California Lady…
(All but Arch Hall, Jr. and Daddy-O grab their ears. AH and Daddy-O continue to sing.)
Krankor: No! I'd rather deal with Prince of Space than this!
Master: No! Not the one thing even more evil than I!
Valeria: Ztop zis!
Master: All right! We give up! Make it stop!
(Unable to take any more of their singing, The Master, Valeria, and Krankor have their heads cave in. Daddy-O and AH Jr. stop singing.)
--The end?--