Chapter 4: The New Major

General Swamee was the only U.S. general in 'Nam so he couldn’t always run things himself at Homebase. There was a Major at each base in 'Nam to help Swamee lead the troops and help him get things done. To get things done usually meant putting us to work. Since Swamee was visiting another base we wouldn’t have to get a new Major right away. Which means we are now able to take a vacation ... at least until Swamee shows up and appoints a new Major.

Suddenly, the phone rang. I answered, hung up the phone, and then turned around to tell the men some bad news, "The U.S. base in Alaska has a spare Major and is sending him here. Somebody has told on us, about killing Major Crispy. Now who was it?"

"Not me," said all eight voices at once.

"Hey, look what I found!" yelled a troop who was pointing at something. It was a bug! I took out some Raid and killed it. Looks like target practice comes in handy after all. So now we knew how the U.S, knew when to send some bossy Major.

After searching for more listening devices, we put a sign up at the front gate of Homebase. It read, "Majorbusters." Maybe that would scare the new Major away. Unless of course he comes in a tank. Soon afterward the new Major showed up in my office holding the sign screaming at me, (My office, by the way, was my bunk bed and a desk next to it,)

"Now!" I screamed. The troops grabbed him and took him outside to be tied to a stake, (We didn't trust "Majors" anymore.) But before they could strike the match General Swamee showed up with an army. Funny, but I thought General Swamee was American, not Vietnamese ... Vietnamese!

The Major we had tied to the stake was not from Alaska, he was a Vietnamese Major who was attacking us before we had tied him up. We were then captured by the enemy. Now the troops are mad at me because we are now awaiting our fate at a P.O,W. camp, (like it was somehow now "my" plan now that it had gotten us captured, when it was "we" decided to tie up the Major ..... )

That night I tried to escape. The others no longer trusted my plans, so they stayed behind. I got all the way to the back gate. It was then I realized the one fault in my plan ... I didn't have a key to the back gate. I turned around, I was shot. As I slowly drifted into unconsciousness, I thought to myself ..... "This is The End."

Chapter 5. The Return of Major Crispy

I woke up in some weird laboratory. It looked like a modernized version of the Frankenstein laboratory. Some label on some door was written in Vietnamese, It said, "Made in Japan." (They teach you to read certain stuff in foreign languages like that in Army School.)

There was a 50/50 chance I was still in the same P.O.W, camp. But before I could get more clear with my surroundings some doctors rushed in. I quickly laid back down on the lab table I was sitting on and pretended to still be out, but it was too late.

"Awe he is awake," said a doctor.

I sat up on the table and looked the doctor in the eye and asked, "What's going on?! What, how ... how did I survive that bullet?"

"You weren't shot by a bullet. You were shot by tranquilizers. We then brought you here and ran a brain scan."

"So what did you find out?"

"Americanos are stupid."

"Hey ..........." I went out again and woke up sometime later, but this time I intended to escape.

I went through the door labeled with red Vietnamese words which read, "To The Exit." I followed these signs until I got outside. Funny thing about escaping was that there were no guards. Oh well, what mattered now was that I get to Homebase and get some help. I made my way through the jungle without delay. That night I trudged into Homebase. The place was a wreck. The Colombians or Vietnamese or Klingons or whoever else we're fighting didn't leave anything of value. They even took Major Crispy's body. The Major!

I then remembered that Alaska was sending us their spare Major. Suddenly a voice boomed, "Who's there!?"

"Private Birch, sir!" I exclaimed standing at attention.

A Major walked into the room, "Are you on my side?"

"Only if you're the guy from Alaska."

"Yep that's me," he said.

We were standing in the storage room where we kept our weapons. The enemy must have left a land mine on the floor because one minute he was walking over to me and the next minute, poof, he was gone. I guess this means that I'm in charge now.

I decided that since I was the only one left that it would not be wise to take on the enemy alone. I decided to go to Washington D.C. to see the President about getting me some more troops to save my other troops. Now my only problem was to find a way to Washington. The chopper that we had was now gone. The radio in the radio room was missing six "D" batteries, so there was no way to radio for a chopper to come and get me. The story just about looked like it was over again, when suddenly I heard it. The Energizing Bunny. I went outside to look for him. He was walking around the grounds of Homebase playing his drum. I snuck up behind him and grabbed him. He tried to escape but I was able to pull out his battery, He stopped moving, so I set him down. Well, one battery is better than none. I took it and hooked it up to the radio. The little bit of power it had showed on the monitor that the radio signal would only reach a twenty mile radius. Oh well.

"Come in, anybody!" I yelled.

"Hello, Army Surplus," came a voice.

"Army Surplus? Where are you? .... I need to buy a chopper," I asked.

"We can deliver," said the voice.

"Okay, I'm at Homebase. Get it here as soon as you can," I requested.

I turned around and there was a man standing in the door in a plaid suit. At first I thought he was Dave Thomas, but he didn't have any Wendy's spicy chicken on him, "Your chopper is outside," he said.

"That was quick, Thanks," I replied reaching into my wallet, "How much do owe you?"

"$19.95," he said.

I gave him a twenty and told him to keep the change. He handed me the keys and the title. Then he gave me a small white box. It was a dehydrated army surplus suitcase (It came free with my order.) I then got into the chopper and took off straight for Washington, I landed on the White House lawn and went on inside. I barged into President Knutz's office. Behind a desk was a huge cushioned chair that was facing the window and away from me.

"Mr. President?" I asked just to make sure there was someone sitting in the chair

"Welcome," said a voice. It didn't sound like the president but the voice did sound familiar. "What do you think of my office?" asked the man as the chair slowly turned around.

"Major Crispy!"

"No! My name is Major Bonder!" he boomed.

"Well excuse me," I smirked, "but Major Crispy became your name after you died ... speaking of which ... why aren't you dead?"

Chapter 6: My Revenge

"Where's the President!" I yelled.

"Guards!" yelled Major Crispy. Two guards rushed in the room with guns pointed at me and he continued, "Take him to the dungeon. Then at 05:00 move him to the torture chamber."

"Wait a minute, are you trying to say that the White House has a dungeon and a torture chamber?" I asked,

"Yes, I just had them installed. Nice touch, huh?" replied Crispy.

"What about the title of the chapter, My Revenge!"

"So?"

"So, you can't lie or change the title or ..."

"Silence!" Crispy boomed, I decided it was a pretty good idea to shut up now. Crispy continued, "I can do anything I want, I'm the President now. Take him away!"

I was then taken downstairs to the dungeon. One guard opened the door and the other tossed me in. I landed on two people. A little light came in through a small window. When we stood up in the light I saw who they were. The President and .....

"General Swamee!" I yelled, "How did you get here?"

"That doesn't matter, How did you get here?" he asked.

I told him the whole story.

After that he said, "Private, since you made it this far as a soldier, with the permission of the President, I am promoting you to the rank of Major."

"You have my permission," said the President.

"Hold it! I don't want to be a Major," I said.

"Why not? Give me one good reason," replied Swamee.

"I'll give you two, One, you just skipped me passed all the ranks straight to Major, and two, every Major in this story ends up dead, Or at least burnt."

"But there's a Major shortage. We need youu ...... " Swamee whined.

"Well okay, I'll be a Major, but first let me change into my fire proof clothes," I said, (I can't stand it when a grown man whines.)

"But, you didn't bring anything. How are you going to change into fire proof clothes?" asked the confused President. I didn't worry, because the President is always confused.

"Ah, but that's where you are wrong," I replied. I took a small white box out of my pocket. "It's my dehydrated army surplus suitcase."

"In other words you just add water," said Swamee.

"Yep. Now, where's some water?" I asked.

Swamee pulled out another white box, and said, "It's my dehydrated canteen. You can use the water in here."

I gave Swamee a good whack on the head. Meanwhile I was contemplating our situation, first, we don't have any water. Second, except for the bad guys, I'm one of the only smart people in this story. Third, any time now Crispy and his men are going to take me to the torture chamber. Fourth, how am I supposed to stop Major Crispy from bringing destruction to world, what I mean is, that I killed the guy already and now he's back (how am I supposed to stop a guy who won't stay dead). Sounds like I'm in for a long day,

Crispy and his men opened the door to our cell walked in, grabbed me and took me down the hall to the torture chamber. Crispy started dunking my head in some water that was in a big bin. The dehydrated army surplus suitcase was still in my hand. I got a plan. I put my hand in the water and when I came up with a suitcase horror filled Crispy's eyes.

"What's in that suitcase?" Crispy asked.

"This!" I yelled as I pulled out two grenades and tossed one in one guard's mouth, and the other grenade in the other guard's mouth. They swallowed the grenades and came after me while Crispy got away.

Boom! Suddenly what looked like army food splattered all over me, however, the guards were gone. Now I have to free the others and change into my fire proof clothes.