I/M

 I am ... What I am, really ? Later about it ...

Come demons, come and take my soul if you want it, for I want it not.

The reason why ? What, I need a reason ?

Well but there is one.

I feel cheated and I feel betrayed, and I don't even believe in God I could blame. So I'm just angry with my life.

That's all because I have almost everything the life can offer. I don't mean palaces and gold, I mean an average start, a decent education, a fair ammount of talent, capacity to love and true friends.

But if you go to the end, what would you see ? A bleeding soul with a most ordinary reason.

A girl.

I love her, she loves me not.

What can I do ? Fight ? But she made it clear she doesn't want me to. And I respect her wishes too much.

I can go on forever describing how wonderful she is ( trust me on that, she really is ) or what in me was wrong for her taste. But that is not the point. The point is, she doesn't want me as I am, she loves another one. I don't know who, and I can't compare in what he's better than me, but I guess he is, since she loves him. That's not a point also.

If I was a different person, it could be me.

I can't blame a God since I don't believe in this concept, but I can blame myself.

Come to think of it, for everything in one's life one has to blame only himself.

So ... let us move aside for a moment.

Schizophrenia. What a long and ugly word. I don't like it really. Wipe away all these deranged maniacs and see the inner truth. Among its many defenitions, schizophrenia implies a person who considers him/herself to be completly another person. It also implies unreasonable behavior and heavy mental illness, but what if it's just the side effects of this transformation shock ? The scientists worked hard to find the cure, to erase the occupant personality and bring back the original. They never, to my knowledge, attempted the opposite - to conjure a different person to replace the original one.

You must be thinking of the exhausting and painful inner struggle ? But should there be one ?

Here it comes to the eternal task. Control. Control your mind, that's the task I've always considered one of the main in human's life.

I failed to deserve the girl I loved. But haven't you ever failed to reach something you craved for ? Have you never wished you were Bruce Lee, Brad Pitt or Michael Schumaher after a lost fight, breakup with a girlfriend or just failed driving exam ? You may not like or even despise any of the people I put as an example, but you get the idea.

You think it's a sick idea ? Yeah, sure, and I love it.

Now, what if one could develop different personalities and easily switch to another one, more suiting the situation ? And as easily switch back, that's too, of course.

Yes, you can object and point out that Bruce Lee had a well-trained body and Brad Pitt has good looks, and Schumaher has a talent for driving ... Of course, this you can't have at once. But does it really matter ? You play some stupid RPG and polish your imagined character to perfection, why can't you do the same in life ? What, you never had the willpower, the wit or simply reflexes for it ? But this you can aquire by training. Imagine you were a person capable of sitting in the freaking library days and nights, wouldn't this help to prepare for some bloody test in school, colledge or just for a job interview ?

Face it, it's your behavior that solves or spoils the problem. Different persons behave differently. Any person can talk at least someone into something. Now the trick is just to combine several persons in your head who working together can talk anyone into anything.

The scientists say that humans only use a tiny part of their brains. So there is enough room for everyone.

I'm certainly going to give it a try. If I fail, there is always another concept I can try.

Reincarnation.

So come demons, come and take my soul if you want it, for I'm going to make myself another one.