Utenitis
*In the game room of the Chaos Zone, Aerie the kawaii elf girl is engaged in a vicious game of Mortal Kombat with Hellmaster Phibrizzo. Aerie is playing Johnny Cage and Phibby is playing Sub-Zero.*
Phibrizzo: No fair! You broke my guy's balls! That's playing dirty!
Aerie: That seems a bit hypocritical coming from you.
Phibrizzo: Point taken.
* A green tentacle suddenly obscures their view of the television screen. *
Phibrizzo: Ewwwww! What the hell is that?
Aerie: *peeks out from under her beanbag chair* Nani? Hey! I recognize that tentacle! It's Green Tentacle from Maniac Mansion.
Green Tentacle: *nods*
Phibrizzo: So what's it doing here?
Aerie: You should know better than to ask that, Phibby-chan. It's the frickin' Chaos Zone. * ^.^-m (Dr. Evil impersonation)*
Green Tentacle: *wiggles in a distraught manner*
Aerie: What's that, Green Tentacle? Sedalia's in trouble?
Green Tentacle: *nod nod*
Phibrizzo: *blink blink*
Aerie: Well can it wait until after this match? I'M KICKING ASS!
Green Tentacle: *shakes horizontally, indicating a negative response*
Aerie: Tch. Fine. Hey Phibster, this might take a while. Hold down the fort 'till I get back, will ya?
Phibrizzo: *puppy eyes* But who'll play Mortal Kombat with me?
Aerie: Green Tentacle plays a mean Scorpion. Well, I guess I'd better go see what all the fuss is about. Ja! *gives Green Tentacle a can of Pepsi for its trouble and teleports away*
* Aerie appears with a puff of purple glitterdust in Sedalia's sanctum (read as 'room' *rolls eyes*) *
Sedalia: *glomps Aerie* Thank L-Sama! You're finally here! It's terrible. . . terrible!
Aerie: *sigh* What's wrong? You'd better have a good reason for sending a tentacle into my domain.
Sedalia: It's the bishounen. . .
Aerie: OHMYGODWHATSWRONGWITHTHEBISHIES?????
Sedalia: They're acting WEIRD!
Aerie: Considering your taste in anime men, how exactly is that unusual?
Sedalia: *opens the door to her closet, which contains her rather sizeable harem of bishounen* See for yourself.
Aerie: *whips out a pair of binoculars and eagerly peers inside only to see this disturbing scene....*
* Spinning roses mysteriously appear in each corner of the room. Out of the closet steps Valgarv, looking a bit disheveled*
Valgarv: *straightens his vest*
Malachite: *nonchalantly leans against a grand piano with his jacket completely unbuttoned*
Jun: *looks perturbed*
Folken and Larva: *silhouetted against a wall* Do you know? Do you know? Have you heard the news?
Lantis: There really is no such thing as miracles. *gazes longingly at a locket containing a picture of Eagle Vision*
Nakago: *glomps Ashram and rides him piggyback* Ashram! Ashram!
Jun: *clicks stopwatch*
Dilandau: *slaps Marron*
Ashram: *kicks Dilandau's ass for slapping Marron*
Dilandau: *runs off and hides*
Dragonslayers: We want our old Dilandau back! *beat the hell out of Marron*
Jun: *looks like a sad puppy* My shining thing. . .
Malachite: Hey Ashram, how 'bout you and me?
Zoisite: Stay away from my Malachite, Ashram!
Emperor Hotohori, Lord Tartlet, and Prince Diamond: We won't let you date a little kid, Zoisite! That's an insult to all of us.
Zoisite: Reni! *snap*
Reni: *thrashes Hotohori, Tartlet, and Diamond*
Zoisite: You don't get it. No one's good enough for me but Malachite.
Mephisto: *brandishes a riding crop* Ashram! A cape is not part of a proper school uniform!
Dynast: Ashram, never lose your strength and nobility, even when you're a dark knight working for an evil emperor.
Malachite: If a chick cannot break out of its shell, it will die before ever being born. Smash the world's shell.
Malachite, Lantis, and Jun: For the revolution of the world!
Aerie: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Sedalia: This isn't my fault. I just can't figure out what's wrong with them. It all started when I threw Akio into my harem...
Aerie: YOU DID WHAT?!? WHAT IN THE NINE HELLS WERE YOU THINKING?!?
Sedalia: Lay off of the caps lock, sis. Anyway....he's evil and he has cool shoes.
Aerie: Yare yare. The situation is becoming all too clear to me now. Akio has spread a social disease among your bishounen. One that causes them to take on characteristics of Revolutionary Girl Utena characters.
Sedalia: I see. Which one was Touga again?
Aerie: Focus! Your poor bishounen have become infected with...*bum bum buuum*... Utenitis!
Sedalia: That's a crappy name for it.
Aerie: Shu'up.
Sedalia: Well how do we end this ridiculous plague?
Aerie: You want to? But Val....*shakes head* Anyway....killing the source usually ends magical diseases. *grin*
Sedalia: Kinda like killing off the head vampire?
Aerie: 'Zactly.
Sedalia: Sounds good to me, but how do we kill Akio? He's already managed to *ahem* overcome some of the most fearsome anime villains ever known.
Aerie: It's just a matter of finding someone that even Akio wouldn't want to fuck with.
Sedalia: That could be a challenge.
Aerie and Sedalia shift into pondering mode.
~ cut scene ~
Meanwhile, back in the Chaos Zone game room:
Phibrizzo: No fair! I lost to something without opposable digits!
Green Tentacle: *spikes the controller and does the 'bob and weave', as only a three foot tall tentacle can*
Phibrizzo: Sure, rub it in.
~ and now back to our regularly scheduled plotline ~
Aerie and Sedalia: Prince Phil! That's it!
*Aerie snaps her fingers and Prince Philionel appears in all his grotesque glory*
Sedalia: See that guy over there? *points at Akio, who is advancing towards Lee Chaolan from Tekken* He's evil.
Prince Phil: PACIFIST CRUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Akio: Damn, that guy is ugly. *dies*
Aerie: Thanks Phil!
Prince Phil: *cue dramatic music* It is my sworn duty as a Champion of Justice to protect those who are threatened by the wicked! Now I must go forth and fight evil wherever it may be found! *exeunt*
Sedalia: Are they better yet? Are they better yet?
Sephiroth: Chu Chu... Chu.
Sedalia: Dammit. What else can we try?
Aerie: What about using Sailor Moon's wand thingy? We could beat her up and take it.
Sedalia: But doesn't it make people, you know, not evil? I just can't permit that. I have a better idea. Let's summon some of those white-magic-using healer types.
Aerie: Great. Most of them are obscure characters with nothing better to do anyway.
*Sedalia snaps her fingers and then appears Sylphiel, Etoh of Record of Lodoss War, and Mitsukake of Fushigi Yuugi.*
All three of them: Praise our respective gods! We're getting fic time!
Aerie: Okay. You three have been summoned here to cure these poor bishounen who have been afflicted with a weird and terrible disease.
Sylphiel: Excuse me, but who are they? *points at Etoh and Mitsukake*
Sedalia: The tall one is Mitsukake, a doctor/Suzaku warrior. The pudgy one that looks like Xellos is Etoh, a priest of Phalis. *snickers*
Aerie: *snickers*
Mitsukake: A priest of *snickers* Phalis....
Etoh: Just what is so damn funny about that?
Sylphiel: That isn't very nice, laughing at poor Mr. Etoh like that. Oh, I get it. *bursts into a fit of hysterical giggling*
Etoh: You people suck! *storms off*
Aerie: Awww. We didn't even get to see the holy Staff of Life. *snickers*
Sedalia: Back to the plot now?
Aerie: Okey-dokies.
Mitsukake: I can only heal once per day.
Sylphiel: Well I certainly don't want to be stuck here forever. Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery! Recovery!
Sedalia: Wow, thanks Sylphiel! Sylphiel?
Sylphiel: *passes out*
Mitsukake: *heals Sylphiel*
Aerie: Hooray! All the bishies are back to normal!
Malachite: *buttons his jacket except for the top few buttons*
Zoisite: *hangs all over Malachite*
Dilandau: *slaps a Dragonslayer*
Jun: Won't Yurika ever be my shining thing?
Aerie and Sedalia: *sweatdrop*
Ruri: You people are idiots.
Fin.