[ Warning: contains silly costumes, merciless Jillia-bashing, Pilika abuse, icky pervy yaoi jokes, riverdancing, and spoilers galore ]

Luca Blight cackles maniacally, wearing a moose costume. Joei, wearing a squirrel costume and aviator hat, swoops down from the sky and does a backflip in midair before landing at Luca's side.

Joei: And now for something we hope you really like!

* * * * *

*scene - Luca Blight and Captain Rowd stand amidst the smoldering remains of the Unicorn Brigade camp, basking in the success of their diabolical plan.*

Rowd: It's just as we planned, Prince Luca. Everyone fled east through the woods. The ambush worked perfectly.

*Two stragglers wander into the scene to contradict him.*

Joei: Captain! What the hell?

Rowd: What! Why didn't you two go marching to certain death like I told you to?!

Joei: I demand to know what's going on here! And who is that guy?

Luca: Don't you recognize the face of your country's royal prince?

Hero: *blank look* Um, actually no...

Luca: *smiles in a way that would frighten small children* How about now?

Hero: Oh, okay.

Rowd: Hurry! Grab them!!!

*A few grey-uniformed grunts rush Hero and Joei. For some odd reason, the two youth brigade soldiers are able to defeat them with minimal effort.*

Hero: Yeah! We just kicked the asses of a bunch of real Highland soldiers. We rule! *poses and twirls his tonfas around victoriously*

Joei: Run, you moron!

*Joei grabs the hero and drags him along the path to the cliff.*

Joei: ... huff ... huff ... Are you okay? You're not hurt? But why would the captain...

Rowd: *appears suddenly* You'll never learn the answer to that. You'll die here, victims of the State's 'surprise attack'. Your future ends here. Get 'em, boys! *signals for the soldiers he'd brought along to attack*

*And again, the two boys have no problem kicking their asses.*

Rowd: Damn you.... You persistent little punks... stay there!! I'll be right back!!!!!

Joei: We can't keep this up forever... There's no other way. We'll have to jump for it.

Hero: But Captain Rowd told us to stay here!

Joei: *thwap* Dumbass!

Hero: We'll never make it!

Joei: You don't want to leave Nanami all alone, do you?

Hero: I'd rather face the entire Highland army than her!

Joei: *makes chicken noises*

Hero: All right! All right! Geez, the things I have to do for the sake of plot development ...

* * * * *

Little Luca Blight practices his ABC's.

Luca: A is for arson. B is for bloodshed. C is for carnage. D is for despot and death and destruction and DIE PIGS DIE ..... !!

Sara Blight: No more sugar for you, Luca dear.

Luca: >.<

* * * * *

*scene - Luca Blight is having a good old time taunting the peasants while Toto Village burns around him.*

Unfortunate Villager: Please spare me! I'll do anything?

Luca: Anything? Hoo hoo hoo. Let's play a little game of 'Luca Says'!

Unfortunate Villager: ????

Luca: Bark like a dog!

Unfortunate Villager: Woof!

Luca: Squeal like a pig!

Unfortunate Villager: Oink! Oink!

Luca: Quack like a duck!

Unfortunate Villager: Quack! Quack!

Luca: Very good.

Unfortunate Villager: Does this mean you'll let me go?

Luca: Nope. I didn't say 'Luca Says'! Idiot!

*whack* *splat*

Kiba: Are you quite finished yet?

Luca: Oh, you're no fun anymore!

Nearby...

Tsai: That's Luca Blight! He's insane!

Hero: He's a monster! He must be stopped at any cost.

Joei: What a badass! He's so cool! I want to work for him.

Hero: ?????

* * * * *

Joei: Let's play 'Kick the Pilika'!

Pilika: No! Don't kick the Pilika.

Joei: Kick the Pilika! *punts Pilika out a window*

* * * * *

*scene - Solon has just had his ass handed to him by your army. He now faces the wrath of his prince.*

Luca: Off with his head!

Solon Jhee: But, L, Lord Luca, why?!

Luca: I don't like your hair!

Luca: Now who wants to take his place?

* Culgan and Seed share a look that says more eloquently than words - 'You have got to be @#$%ing joking.' *

Joei: Oooh ooh! Pick me! Pick me!

* * * * *

And now a public service announcement...

Joei: Hi kids. Ever wanted to rule your own country? I'm here as living proof to tell you that you can. All it takes is a little luck, a lot of perseverance, and a nice stupid princess to marry you.

* * * * *

*scene - Greenhill has fallen to Highland due to the brilliant tactics of their army's youngest general, Jowy Atreides. He now stands before Prince Luca to demand the reward promised him, knowing that his next sentence may well be his last. Jowy takes a deep breath and looks the mad prince straight in the eyes.*

Jowy: I want your sister as my wife.

Strained silence fills the room. Seed and Culgan turn to each other and then to Jowy, eyes filled with tears.

Culgan: Jowy, you mean you still want to marry that daft wench after all we shared?

Seed: Did last night mean nothing?!

* * * * *

*scene - Luca and Joei stand watching the destruction of Muse.*

A voice: Heaven may forgive you for your sins but I shall not! For the power of love and justice. . .

*A not-so-mysterious girl wearing a red and green sailor suit jumps dramatically into the scene, black hair pulled up in odangos.*

"PRETTY MAGICAL PRINCESS SAILOR JILLIA!!"

Luca: I knew the gene for insanity wasn't recessive.

Joei: What do you think you're doing?

Jillia: I cannot overlook your evil any longer! I will punish you with my MAGICAL PRINCESS MOON WAND!

Luca: That's just a banana and a ball of foil stuck onto the end of a stick.

Jillia: *droops*

Luca: You're not the kind of princess that saves the world from evil.

Joei: Yeah, you're just plot device, now go away.

Jillia: Damn! *throws down the 'magical princess moon wand' and sulks off*

* * * * *

*scene - The reinforcements from Harmonia have arrived. Sasarai enters the officer's tent. His presence fills the room, or rather, the presence of his hat does. The Highlanders with any sense of propriety stifle their sniggering.*

Luca: Bwaaa haaa haa ha ha ha ha haha!!!

Leon: High Priest Sasarai is an old acquaintance of mine. He wields quite a bit of influence in Harmonia.

Joei: What is he, the Minister of Silly Hats?

*muffled voices from outside* Fire! Fire! Put it out! Quickly!

Leon: Oh good, it looks like Yuber is here too.

* * * * *

*scene - The Hero has just defeated Luca Blight in a duel and put an end to his reign of terror once and for all.*

Hero: Now that I have slain Luca Blight . . .

Luca: I'm not dead yet!

Hero: *whack* Ahem. Now that I have slain Luca Blight . . .

Luca: I can never be defeated by the likes of you!

Hero: *whack* NEway. Now that I have slain Luca Blight . . .

Luca: I am invincible!

Hero: *whack* Grrrrr. Now that I have slain Luca Blight . . .

Luca: Hoo hoo hoo haa ha ha ha!

Hero: Dammit! *whack whack whack* As I was saying, now that I have slain Luca Blight . . .

Luca: I am the face of true evil!

Hero: How can you still be alive?! You've got about a hundred arrows in you and I just beat the crap out of you!! DIE ALREADY!!!!

Luca: Oh, you're no fun anymore. * dies *

* * * * *

Joei: Jillia, will you accept my proposal?

Jillia: You killed my father. And arranged my brother's death. You're obviously just using me to seize the throne.

Joei: *shrugs* You got me there.

Jillia: I could rule by myself and stop this horrible war. I could bring about a new era of peace and happiness for my people . . .

Joei: So you won't marry me?

Jillia: Of course I will, silly! You're cute!

* * * * *

*scene - Culgan has just formally delivered a message to the leader of the enemy army.*

Culgan: They're just going to let me find my way out of this castle unescorted? How very naive.

*A brown blur whizzes by.*

Culgan: Hey! My sword! Come back with that!

Chaco: :P

*Culgan chases the mischievous winger into a shadowy corridor.*

Eerie silence. Eerie laughter.

Culgan: *ulp* Who's there?

Sid: Oh don't worry. I like Highlanders. They're excellent with a nice white wine sauce.

*Culgan runs away screaming.*

Sid: heh heh heh

Culgan: I have to get out of this lunatic asylum!

*Suddenly, he finds himself confronted by two rather unstable- looking individuals.*

Killey: WHOAREYOUANDWHATDOYOUKNOWABOUTTHESYNDAR?????

Clive: HAVEYOUSEENABLONDEBITCHINAWHITECAPE?????

Culgan: Aaaaargh! *dives into the nearest door*

Culgan: Safe at last.

Woman's voice: HENTAI!!!

*Culgan realizes he is in the women's bath. Is beaten to within an inch of his life with towels. Manages to limp away, battered and bruised and nosebleeding profusely.*

*The battered general wanders into the restaurant, and after being roped into helping the chef in a cooking competition, runs screaming (yet again) out of the restaurant.*

Rival Chef: *chasing Culgan and wielding a cleaver* Because of my loss my clan has been dishonored! I will have your head!

*After a bit more running, Culgan manages to lose him. However, his sense of relief is a bit short-lived. He realizes that he's on a stage.*

Crowd: Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!

*Not wishing to incur the wrath of the savages, Culgan strips to the waist and does an Irish step dance that would make the cast of Riverdance hang their heads in abject shame.*

Culgan: I AM LORD OF THE DANCE!

*author gets stuff thrown at her by Culgan fans*

* * * * *

Culgan: Lord Joei, we have a small problem.

Seed: *runs around in a blind panic, trying to dislodge a rabid Pilika from his shoulder* Yeaarrrgh! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!

Joei: Pilika was playing with the Beast Rune again, wasn't she?

* * * * *

Leon: Lord Joei, we must find a way to raise the morale of the Highland Army.

Joei: *thinks for all of about two seconds* Let's kill Jillia!

Leon: ..... Are you sure you want to do that?

Joei: Why not? King Agares sacrificed his queen to the Beast Rune. Come on, it'll be cool.

Leon: But . . . people will think you're a real asshole. Don't you want to maintain the impression that you're actually a kind and decent boy despite all your machiavellian backstabbing and scheming?

Joei: News flash! I am an asshole! I've killed people a lot less annoying than Jillia.

Leon: Would you settle for killing her in effigy?

Joei: Oh, you're no fun!

* * * * *

*scene - L'Renouille has fallen to the hero's army*

Joei: Leon, what's our status?

Leon: We're screwed.

Joei: Damn. Okay, here's the plan. Han will be slain by Genkaku's son for the sake of ironic dramatic necessity. Seed and Culgan will die heroically in a last stand together. Leon, you'll revive the beast rune, but try to make it unclear whether you actually die or not.

Leon: What about Jillia?

Joei: Who?

Leon: Your wife!

Joei: Oh yeah. She seems to have a thing for guys trying to take over the country, so I guess I'll have to send her off somewhere so she doesn't fall for the hero too. Ooh, and I get rid of Pilika too! YES!!

Leon: What are you going to do, Lord Joei?

Joei: Run away so that I can reunite with the hero and live happily ever after, of course.

Leon: Being the childhood friend of the hero certainly has its perks.

* * * * *

FHF Out-take!

* a few lines that didn't make it into the original FHF 'cause I didn't want to make people vomit *

Seed: Culgan, I was young and confused.

Culgan: But it was last week!

Klaus: *burst into tears* Last week? Culgan, how could you?! It wasn't last Thursday was it?

Rowd: Klaus! You and Culgan?! You told me I was the only man you'd ever....

Solon: Rowd, you cheating bastard!

Seed: Now who's the gaywad?

* * * * *

At long last, the @#$%ing end!