silence of the timeshifters

    It was a cold, gray morning.  In the woods near the Time Bureau, Sara ran through the obstacle course, stubbornly determined to beat her brother Tony's time.  She found Miss Iknow waiting for her by the climbing wall.  Sara stopped, gasping for breath.

    "Dr. Goodman wants to see you in his office," said Miss Iknow.

    Sara nodded and lurched away.  She made her way back to the Time Bureau, through the halls crowded with weird-looking little critters and to her uncle's office.  On the bulletin board behind his desk were a bunch of newspaper clippings about missing timeshifters and nekkid pictures of Dr. Grey.  Sara pretended not to see them.

    Dr. Bernard Goodman looked up from his game of solitaire at his niece.  "Sorry to pull you off the course with such short notice.  Miss Iknow tells me that you've been doing very well in your studies, Sara.  You'll make a fine time detective someday."

    "Thank you, sir.  Why did you want to see me?"

    "I have a job for you, actually more like an interesting errand.  Tell me, do you spook easily?"

    "No sir."

    "Ah, good.  I want you to go talk to Merlock."

    "Why?"

    "The Dark Lord that's been causing us so much trouble has unusually colored hair, antiquated fashion sense, and is thought to be a vampire.  We think that Merlock might be able to give us some insight about him.  Just be careful around Merlock.  You're just his type, if you know what I mean.  Believe me, you don't want Merlock inside your head.  Never forget what he is."

    "And what is that?"

    "A @#$%ing freak."

    Merlock was standing in the center of his room, as if waiting for her.  Curling locks of lavender hair framed his face, which was sporting an expression that indicated he was very happy to see Sara.  He smiled, showing fangs.  His burgundy eyes sparkled.  He was dressed in the manner of a Victorian male prostitute.  Everything about him screamed 'freak', 'fop' too, but mostly 'freak'.  Sara wondered if one had to obtain a special license to wear that much lace.

    "Always a pleasure to see you, Sara," said Merlock, hoping to sound suave and not desperate.

    "Hello, Merlock," said Sara, humoring the pathetic blue weirdo with a forced smile.  "May I speak with you?"

    "Sit, please."

    "Uh, thank you,"

    "Dr. Goodman sent a trainee?  He must be very busy these days.  Busy hunting the Dark Lord, what a naughty boy he is.  Do you know why they call him the Dark Lord?

    "Actually, no.  I don't."

    "Oh, it's because he's so evil, you see.  He's had that reputation ever since he destroyed the Land of Time. You fly back to school now.  Fly, fly, fly.  Fly, fly, fly."

    Sara ran to the time cycle, ignoring Dr. Goodman's questions.  In seconds she was off to the legendary Land of Time.  She found herself in strange room, and the first thing that caught her attention was a large monitor screen.  As she approached it, she realized that the image on it was a room at the Time Bureau.  Creepy. 

    "Hello there," said an aged voice.

    Sara spun around to find herself face to face with a short old man riding a flying pig.  She screamed and bolted back to the time cycle.  In a flash she was gone.

    "Who was that grodie old geezer?" Sara yelled at Merlock.

    "Oh, that was just the Old Timer.  Why don't you ask me about the Dark Lord?"

    "Do you know something?"

    "I might.  They were lovers, you see.  Dark Lord got all pissy because Old Timer was paying more attention to the timeshifters than to him.  A fledgling megalomaniac's first attempt at ascendancy.  You'd better hurry if you want to stop him.  The Dark Lord must already be searching for that next special lady."

    Dr. Juliana Grey looked up from her paperwork to see a strange man in her office.   He had long blue hair, dressed in the manner of a Victorian pimp, and held a mask over his face.  In his other hand he held a black rose. "Er, um, can I help you?" she stammered.  The Dark Lord smiled behind his mask.

    Sara sat in Dr. Goodman's office.  She noticed that her uncle looked distressed.  "Dr. Grey has been abducted," he said.  "The only clue was a black rose found on her desk.  We think that the Dark Lord is responsible."

    "WHY do you need to talk to Merlock again?" yelled Bindi.  Sara brushed past the irate floating pink ammonite without acknowledgement. 

    "Merlock, help us catch the Dark Lord and we'll let you stalk us to your heart's content," said Sara.

    "That would make me the happiest vampire in the entire world!" said an ecstatic Merlock.

    "Oh, you think you know something about my Dark Lord, do you?" said an angry, all-to-familiar voice.  They turned to see the green-haired, shamelessly dressed Petra Fina.  Her two mutant henchman stood close behind her.  "Get 'em, boys!" she barked, pointing at Sara and Merlock with her riding crop.

    "I'll protect you, Sara!" Merlock cried as he gallantly jumped between Sara and Petra.  

    "Is it true what they're saying, that he's some kind of vampire?" whispered Dino, scratching his head.

    "They don't have a word for what he is," said Mite, shrugging as he cracked his knuckles.  

    Merlock screamed like a girl as the two mutants clobbered him. 

    "Oh, my poor Merlock!" yelled Bindi.

    Petra cackled evilly.  She whipped out her Petra stamp and bashed it into Bindi's forehead.  Bindi suddenly became completely unconcerned with Merlock's well-being, just like everyone else in the room.

    "Hey, what's going on here?" said a confused, spikey-haired caveboy standing in the doorway.

    "Eww, Sara, what the hell are you doing in Merlock's room?" said Tony, standing right behind Flint.

    "Aack! I'll explain later!" screamed Sara, trying to dodge the rabid Bindi.

    "Damn.  I didn't want to draw this much attention," Petra cursed under her breath.  She whistled to her peons and gestured to the window.  Dino and Mite used Merlock's head to break the glass, and then jumped out, Petra close behind.  They ran to the catamaran outside, which had been partially, but carefully, concealed behind a bush.

    "You're so close to the way you'll find him," Merlock whispered through broken teeth to Sara.

    "What do you mean, Merlock!  Tell me!" Sara yelled, shaking Merlock by his doily-like collar.

    With excruciatingly painful effort, Merlock pointed to Petra's catamaran.

    Sara waited for complete silence before she climbed from her hiding place in the back of Petra's catamaran.  She crept into the cockpit and peered out the window.  She had never been in the garage of a Spooky Evil Villain Lair, and had always been curious as to what one would look like.  The catamaran was parked next to an elegant, black, horse-drawn carriage.  Very goth.  As she slid into the front seat, she noticed that Petra had carelessly left behind her wicked-looking bullwhip.  Sara smiled and grabbed it.  She had always wanted to try out one of these. 

    "He's just using you, you know!" Dr. Grey shouted up towards Petra Fina.  Petra's arrogant gloating over the hostage screeched to a halt.  Now she was pissed.  Her eyes glowed red.  "What did you say?" she hissed.

    "Are you deaf or just stupid?  I said that he's just using you!"

    "You take that back!"

    "Whore!"

    "That's it!  You're going down, bitch!!" screamed Petra as she dived into the deep black pit.

    The Dark Lord was distracted from dancing to the Flint theme song by the sound of a catfight.  

   Sara walked through a hall of the Spooky Evil Villain Lair.  It was a typical vampire castle, with tall windows covered by easily-torn-away drapes, decorations on the walls that could easily be twisted into holy symbols, wooden chairs whose legs would make excellent stakes in a pinch, etc.  Logic dictated that Dr. Grey would be either in the deepest dungeon or in the tallest tower.  Sara flipped a coin, crossed her fingers, and proceeded to descend a spiraling staircase.  

    Guided by the growling and screaming, she eventually came to a shadowy room with a large, deep pit in the center.  She peered down to see a cloud of angry, swirling dust with flailing limbs occasionally poking out.  "Uh, Dr. Grey, are you down there?" Sara called.  

    "Sara?  Sara!  You've got to get me out of here!"  called Dr.  Grey as she slammed Petra's head into the stone wall.

    "Help is on the way!"

    "Don't you leave me here, you @#$%ing bitch!"

    "Don't worry, I'll be right back!"

    "And just where do you think you're going, little girl?" said an unfamiliar voice from the shadows.

    "Oh crap," said Sara.  She turned in the direction of the voice.  Its owner had 'evil villain' written all over him.  "Uh, freeze, you!" she yelled, trying to sound commanding. "I'm a time detective!  Err. . .well. . . almost."

    The Dark Lord drew a strange, twisted black rod from his coat with the hand that wasn't holding up his mask.  "I've destroyed entire worlds.  Do you honestly think that you can subjugate me?"

    Sara was now very nervous.  If the Dark Lord decided to erase her existence, she had no way to defend herself.  She was alone and unarmed . . . oh wait.

    Shocked stupid would be the only way to describe the Dark Lord's reaction when Petra's bullwhip yanked his weapon from his hand.

    "Hee hee, I got your witchy-stick!" Sara gleefully exclaimed.

   "Yargh!  Don't point that at me!" yelled Dark Lord, ducking.

   "Tear him a new one, Sara!"  Dr. Grey shouted encouragingly.

   "Would you shut up?!?!" Sara shouted back down the hole.  She turned her attention back to the Dark Lord, brandishing the witchy-stick menacingly.  She was a bit uncertain as to the procedure of arresting a dangerous time criminal.  "I'm warning you, I have no idea what this thing does and I'm not afraid to use it, so don't try anything funny!  So, ummm . . . against the wall and spread 'em."

   Dr. Grey rolled her eyes. 

   Something metal was thrown out of the pit and landed near Sara's feet.  She looked down.  It was a pair of handcuffs.

   "I always carry a spare set,"  explained Dr. Grey.  Sara blinked and picked them up, deciding it best not to pursue the topic.

   Sara gazed at her badge as if it might not be there if she looked away.  She was a real, official time detective.  Wow.  She was at the reception after the award ceremony.  Flint stood where the cake used to be.  Dr. Grey and her uncle had congratulated her and showered her with praise, and Tony had acted insanely jealous.  Sara glowed with pride.  The Dark Lord was in time police custody and the world was safe from foppy vampires . . . well, one of them, anyway.