Merlock Holmes - Male Gigolo

    Merlock was feeling blue. No that's not a reference to his freakish skin coloration. He was sad. Crestfallen. Despondent. In that day's earlier battle with Petrafina, he had made a complete dork out of himself. And in front of Sara, no less. The timeshifter Petra had tried to steal had been saved, as tends to happen for some reason, but those victories always came at a price for poor Merlock. He ached all over and thought his left leg might be broken. Not even Bindi's encouraging words gave him any comfort. But she was just a weird little flying pink snail. She didn't matter. No, only one woman mattered to Merlock. Sara. Beautiful Sara, with her pretty pink hair, bright eyes, and cute smile. Sara didn't even seem to appreciate the danger he put himself in just to be near her. Merlock sighed as he treaded back to his apartment. He couldn't help but think the only purpose of his existence was for comic relief or something.

    Merlock recieved a call from Dr. Bernard Goodman on his video phone. "Merlock," he said, "I'm going to be going out of town for the next couple of weeks. Would you mind watching my place for me and taking care of the timeshifters?"

    Perhaps fate smiled on him after all. Dr. Goodman's niece was none other than his beloved Sara. It was his big chance to be closer to her! "Oh of course I will!" Merlock replied without hesitation.

    "And if you hit on my niece I'll tear you a new one."

    "Urk."

    Merlock stood in front of a mirror, practicing his dramatic poses so that maybe he could better impress Sara the next time he stalked ... er um ... came to her rescue. "Sara, you have a smile that could melt an iceberg, your hair is as pink as ... as ..." Merlock rehearsed his sappy lines. Everything had been going smoothly so far during his stay at Dr. Goodman's house. The timeshifters had been well-behaved, and the Cardians had generously volunteered to clean. Merlock would have never guessed that a vacuum cleaner was capable of exploding. Imploding maybe, but certainly not exploding.

    Merlock sat forlornly in the middle of the floor of the ruined room. Or rather in the crater where the middle of the floor used to be. A ringing from the phone shook him from his melancholic daze. "Hello? Oh, hello Dr. Grey." They exchanged flirty laughter for several minutes.

    "Merlock, would you like to come over to my place?" she said, "I'm naked."

    Merlock-shaped puff of smoke where Merlock used to be.

    Merlock knocked on the door. The way he figured it, the universe owed him big time for all the torture inflicted on him on a daily basis. He had to get lucky eventually. "Come in," called Dr. Grey in a sultry voice. Merlock skipped giddily into her apartment. Their eyes met. They smiled at each other and laughed flirtily for several minutes. Then a noise distracted them. It was the noise of an enraged flying pink snail trying to break through a wall.

    "Uh, I think you should go." Grey shoved Merlock out the door, stuffing some money into the waistband of his shorts for his trouble.

    Of course. Merlock should have guessed that something like this would happen. Once again fortune vomits upon his shoes. Judging from the muffled shrieking and cursing coming from the other side of the splintering wall, Bindi wasn't thrilled with the idea of him and Dr. Grey getting together. Why on earth did his timeshifter have to act so freaking possessive all the time?

    Ten dollars? Yeah!

    All told, this evening had been unusually calamitous, even by Merlock’s standards. He didn’t feel like going back to Dr. Goodman’s place. Besides, he was a vampire. He was thirsty. And so Merlock set forth to find the nearest bar, tavern, cabaret or whatever. It didn’t matter as long as there were lonely ladies to be found.

    An attractive green-haired woman in a red dress caught his eye.

    "May I?" he said, making his best attempt at suaveness as he slid into the seat across from her.

    "Would you like to leave?" she said in a rather bitchy tone of voice that somehow seemed familiar.

    "Oh, I'm sorry," said the dejected would-be casanova vampire.

    "I meant together."

    ". . . Oh!"

    "Ten dollars is my going rate, but I'm willing to negotiate," said Merlock.

    The green-haired woman raised an eyebrow.  "That's funny, but the price is five hundred."

    "Five hundred?  You're going to pay me five hundred dollars?" Merlock had long regarded the time when he'd gotten a free extra candy bar out of a vending machine as the highest point in his life, but this was infinitely greater.

    Oh, she was such a tease, this one.  Merlock decided to play along.  "You give me ten dollars!"

    She threw the first punch.  Minutes later poor Merlock was a crumpled lacy bump on the floor, covered with high-heel imprints.

    What a waste of time, Petra thought as she left.  Most men paid good money for the beating she gave Merlock.

    "Excuse me? Can I help you?" Merlock asked the masked man who had just waltzed into Dr. Goodman's apartment as if he owned the place.

    "Petra told me Bernard's place was messed up, but I had no idea . . ."

    "Petra?"

    "The hooker that whipped your ass last night."

    ". . . . ."

    "She tells me that you dabble in harlotry."

    "Well, it didn't really work out. . ."

    "The dark lord don't see himself as no pimp, more of a male madame."

    "Thanks, but I already have a job.  I'm a time detective."

    Dark Lord laughed. And laughed. And laughed. 

    "Well maybe I could consider secondary employment, just to get this place fixed up. . ."

    The Dark Lord and Merlock stood outside the door of Merlock's very first client.  "You're a man-whore now.  I'm so proud," said the Dark Lord, sounding very maternal as he straightened Merlock's doily-like collar. 

    "Thanks, Dark Lord," said a very nervous Merlock.

    "Now remember, this is just business.  Never fall in love," said Dark Lord as he rang the doorbell and then vanished into the night in that special way that mysterious villains do.

    Merlock noticed that the door looked strangely familiar.  "Remember, Merlock, don't fall in love," he told himself.

    The door opened.  Merlock blinked.  "Dr. Grey?"

    And so Merlock and Juliana Grey hazarded a second chance at romance.  They walked down the street arm in arm.

    "Freak!" yelled a passing pedestrian.

    "Fruitcake!" yelled another.

    "Fancy lad!"

    "Keep it in the circus!"

    Dr. Grey noticed that Merlock was looking mortified. "What do you say we go somewhere else?" she said sweetly.

    And so they ended up having tea back at Dr. Grey's place.  "I'm sorry about the things those people said," she said.

    "I had a great time but I really should go," said Merlock.  He just wasn't used to women looking at him the way Dr. Grey was looking at him now, and it was making him extremely nervous.  Merlock began to egress away from the table with the intention of dismissing himself as politely as possible.  Almost without warning, Dr. Grey jumped him.

    "Yeaaaaaargh!" Merlock screamed as he was tossed onto a bed.  Rip went the dramatic cape.  Rip went the frilly coat.  Rip went the fruity little shorts.

    "Look, I ... uh ... I'm gay!!" Merlock screamed in a panic as he struggled to avoid Dr. Grey's ravaging claws. 

    Dr. Grey paused her assault. "How gay?"

    "Very, very gay!"

    "Shit."

    The next day Merlock met with the Dark Lord.  He was suffering from a severe case of conscience.  "I can't do this anymore.  I'm not one of your man-whores.  I quit."

    The Dark Lord glared at Merlock from behind his mask.  "You ungrateful he-bitch.  Why don't I get Goodman on the phone and tell him how you redecorated his poonpalace?"

    "I'm not an ungrateful . . . he-bitch.  I just need some time to think," Merlock whined.

    Then the phone rang.  "Hello," said Merlock.

    "How's the house?" said Dr. Goodman's voice.  "You haven't been hitting on Sara, have you?  I'll kill you!  Murder!"

    Merlock quickly hung up and proceeded to think for all of about . . oh . . two seconds.  "You got yourself a man-whore."

    When Merlock left Dr. Goodman's house he found himself face to face with Tony, Sara's twin brother.  Merlock had always correctly presumed that Tony didn't like him much, and today he looked especially angry.  "I know what you've been up to Merlock.  You make me sick.  I want you to tell me something," Tony said as he unzipped his fly and whipped out the trouser snake.  "What do you think of this?  You think I can get anything for it?  You know, money?"

    "Urk," was all the response Merlock could manage.  

    "You think I'm a loser don't you?  Well let me tell you something.  I may be a loser, but I'm a loser who can get you in deep shit.  So you'd better show some respect or else I'll rip those pointy little teeth of yours right out of your head!"

    Merlock ran away, completely freaked out.

    Several days later, Merlock and the Dark Lord relaxed in Dr. Goodman's hot tub.  Yes, the Dark Lord kept his mask on.  "Merly, you the best he-bitch in my man-stable.  If I had two more like you I'd be a millionaire."

    "I think I'm going to get out."

    "Sit down.  Now this next date is what we call a real doozy."

    "Is it Dr. Grey again?"

    "No."

    "Is it a guy?"

    "I don't think so, but I have been fooled before."

    "Hey there's been a detective following me."

    "Didn't tell him anything about me, did you?"

    "No, but what should I do?"

    "About what?"

    "About the detective."

    "Damn it, blue boy!  Quit mentioning the detectives!  Don't make me he-bitch-manslap you."

    'Yowza,' thought Merlock when he laid eyes on his date.  She was without a doubt the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.  She had long, golden hair and was dressed head-to-toe in pink, a color that Merlock was now suddenly very fond of.  But the best part was that she seemed to be genuinely interested in him.  In him.  

    "Merlock, if there was something about me, I mean physically, that was a little different from what you're used to, would you still like me?"

    Merlock did not hear a word she said.  When he opened his eyes he found himself liplocked with a floating pink snail.

    Merlock screamed and ran away, thoroughly traumatized.  

    "Uh, so how was your trip?"  Merlock said to Dr. Goodman with an acute sense of dread.  Hopefully he wouldn't notice the expansive crevasse underneath the rug.  Just in case he edged toward the door.

    "Fine," mumbled Dr. Goodman as he threw down his luggage.  It dropped straight through the floor.

    "Uh. . . Well, there's a crater in the den and I did man-whore for a little bit."

    Dr. Goodman blinked again. "Really? Well, I don't mind so much about the floor.  Actually, now that you mention it, Dr. Grey told me something interesting about you." He put his arm around Merlock's shoulders and smiled.  "I'm sure there's a way you can make it up to me."

    "NANI?!"

    Merlock didn't bother with the door.  In a flash he was gone, leaving behind a wake of smoke and a Merlock-shaped hole in the wall.