FARCICAL HIGHLAND FIC

In the camp of the Highland Army, the officers are gathered to discuss their strategy regarding the invasion of Muse. Standing around a large map are Prince Luca Blight, Solon Jhee, Culgan, Seed, Kiba, Klaus, Rowd, and the newly conscripted Jowy Atreides.

Luca: *stabs at the model Muse repeatedly with a dagger* Hoo hoo hoo haaa haa ha!!! Take that!! Yeah, you're goin' down! Die pigs die!!!!!!

Kiba: *sighs* Did somebody forget to take his Prozac this morning?

Everyone distances themselves from Kiba as much as possible without being too conspicuous.

Luca glares at Kiba and then smiles homicidally. With a snap of his arm he lets the knife fly, and it passes just over the general's bald head. It pierces the tent cloth, and a scream is heard from outside.

Kiba: *rubs the top of his head* I don't get paid enough for this.

Jillia: *wanders in with a dagger sticking out of her arm* Oh brother, I found your dagger. You need to be more careful or you'll lose it one of these days.

Luca: Grrrrrrr. *pull the dagger out of Jillia's arm* I told you never to interrupt important strategy meetings! And you're getting blood all over the rug!!

Jillia: Forgive me, brother. I'll be going now.

Jillia curtsies politely as she leaves. Her eyes meet Jowy's and she blushes slightly.

Kiba: How did King Agares spawn those two? Luca's a complete maniac and Jillia's dumb as a box of hair.

Klaus: Well, it's not really all that surprising when you consider how inbred most royal families are.

Jowy: You kinda have to feel sorry for Jillia. I mean, she only exists so that I can become king of Highland.

Luca: What was that, Jowy?

Jowy: Nothing.

Luca: Anyway, so the units will go here and here, and once the assassin, *points at Jowy* that's you, whacks that piratey-looking sow Anabelle, we give the signal and then . . .

Klaus: Uh, actually, our signal mirror was damaged irreparably in transit.

Luca: Aw, no big deal. We'll just polish up Kiba's head.

Kiba: ;_;

Luca snaps his fingers. Guards come in and drag Kiba off to prepare him for his inglorious assignment.

Rowd: Excuse me, your highness. And first I'd like to say that you're looking very intimidating today . . .

Seed: *cough cough ass weasel cough cough*

Culgan: *cough cough bootlick cough cough*

Jowy: *cough cough brown-noser cough cough*

Solon: *cough cough suckup cough cough*

Klaus: *cough cough obsequious sycophant cough cough*

Rowd: *glowers* NEway... May I ask why we're entrusting a crucial assassination mission to a punk who we ran out of the country just a few weeks ago? And I don't think the little squirt could take Anabelle on anyway! She's big enough to bench press him!

Luca: No! And quit picking on my Jowy-kins!

Rowd: Yuck. Forget I said anything.

Jowy: *flips off Rowd with his Black Sword Rune hand*

Solon Jhee: I can't wait for another battle against those miserable State pigs! We'll crush them like insects!

Seed: Gonna impale them on your hair like you did to Granmeyer? ***continuity breach that I'm too lazy to correct***

Solon: Shut up! That was an accident!

Culgan: Settle down, gentlemen. We'll never get this war underway if you keep bickering.

Solon: Shut up old man!

Culgan: I'm really not that old, you know . . . . .

Seed: Leave Culgan alone!!

Culgan: . . . . I'm only 29. . . . .

Solon: Tch. Figures you'd stick up for him.

Seed: You want to make something of it, onion-head?!

Solon: Gaywad!

Seed: What?! But we're not gay!

Culgan: . . . . . We're not?

Luca: HEY!!!! Knock it off, all of ya!!

Jowy: Let's remember why we're here. For the glory of our mother country, Highland.

Luca: Great, it's settled. Now let's go sacrifice a village to the beast rune for good luck.

Rowd: But Highland only has two villages left, sir.

Luca: Feh. Screw it. I guess it'll have to wait until afterwards then.

Jowy: All is proceeding exactly according to my plan. I'll become the king of Highland and the world will bow to me.

Luca: Did you say something, Jowy?

Jowy: Uh, no . . . nothing.

~ the goddamned end