Dark Lords vs the Care Bears

Aerie:  It's another unlikely match here today in the Chaos Zone battle arena.  Since Phibrizzo is a participant, Dark Heart, from the second Care Bears movie, will be my co-commentator for this bout. * gestures to the billowing mass of vapors with glowing red eyes. *

Dark Heart: Mwaa haa haa.  Hello.

Aerie:  In the blue corner, the demons you all know and love, the sewers of destruction and chaos, Hellmaster Phibrizzo, Deep Sea Dolphin, Gaav the Demon Dragon King, Beastmaster Zelas Metallium, and Dynast Grauscherra!!

They enter the arena to boos and hisses from the Care Bear Cousins.  After a few meaningful glares, their subordinates begin cheering very enthusiastically.

Dark Heart:  And in the pink corner, because they seem to have re-painted it, is the epitome of all things nauseatingly warm and fuzzy, the Care Bears.  

The Care Bears enter the arena, skipping cheerfully and handing out flowers to the people in the front row.  Several of the nearby mazoku begin to look ill.

Sylphiel:  Awww.  That's the second cutest thing I've ever seen!

Zelgadis:  Feh.

Grumpy Bear: Feh.

The Care Bear Cousins begin to stomp their feet and chant "We will rock you."  By this time many of the lesser demons are streaming towards the restrooms looking a bit green and obviously feeling the full effect of the Care Bears' cheerfulness.  

Funshine Bear:  You sure look angry Mr. Gaav.  You look like you need a great big hug!  

Gaav:  Argh!! Getitoffmegetitoffmegetitoffme!!!!  * hops around in a blind panic, trying to dislodge a very dizzy-looking bear. *

Good Luck Bear:  We'll help you, Funshine Bear, because that's what friends are for!  Let's get 'em guys!

* Gaav disappears under a pile of pastel furballs *

Cheer Bear: Oh Beastmaster Lady, turn that malevolent frown upside down!  We love you, too!

Aerie: Oh the humanity.  It seems that Beastmaster is using Dynast as a human shield. 

Dynast: * glares down disdainfully at the bright pink bear attached to his leg, then at Zelas *  I'll get you for this. 

Cheer Bear:  I think you need to learn to share your feelings with others, Dynast-pookies!

Aerie: Seems like the mazoku lords are in a bit of trouble at this point.  

Dark Heart:  But they won't be getting much help from Deep Sea Dolphin. 

Aerie:  Yeah.  It would appear that she's sound asleep, using Bedtime Bear's tummy as a pillow.

Dark Heart: * Hiccups and turns into a platypus. * Pardon me.

Aerie:  * Blink blink. *  Ummm... What the hell?! 

Dark Heart:  * Hiccups again, this time polymorphing into a wildebeest. * Sorry.  It just sorta happens.

Aerie:  Neat trick.  Can I try that?  * sneezes and turns into a Pikachu *  $%!#. * sneezes back into her normal self. *

Phibrizzo: Tch.  Incompetents.  *evil smirk* Looks like it's my turn.  * pulls out a heart-shaped soul orb and crushes it between his fingers *

Dark Heart:  Mwaaa haaa haaa!  Cheer Bear  just bit the big one!  * hiccups and changes into a narwhal *

Harmony Bear: Hey!  That wasn't nice!  That was downright...evil.

Tenderheart Bear:  Alright Care Bears, it's time to show them that the power of goodness and love always triumphs over icky badness.

Amelia:  That's right!  The power of love and justice will always be victorious!!!  * crash *

Aerie:  * sighs *  How did she get up in the rafters, anyway?

Dark Heart: * hiccups and changes into an emu *

Tenderheart Bear:  Alright!  Care Bear Stare! 

The Care Bears zap the mazoku with beams of light from their tummies.  The arena is filled with bloodcurdling, tortured screams. 

Aerie:  Ooh...I can't watch....

Tenderheart Bear:  EAT LOVE AND GOODNESS, MOTHERF*CKERS!!

Aerie:  * <((O.o))> *

Dark Heart: * hiccups himself into a rather large lobster *

All seven bits of Shabranigdo gaze up adoringly at Dark Heart's new visage with heart-shaped glowing red eyes.

 Dark Heart:  Ummm...why are they looking at me like that?

Aerie: Let's just say that I'd start running very fast if I were you.

Dark Heart:  Eeep.  Bye.  * runs off like a bat out of hell. Well, a lobster out of hell, at any rate *

Aerie:  Once again the Mazoku's butts are kicked by the pink furry foot of justice.  Or something like that.  It seems that the Care Bears are the undisputed champions.

Winner:  the Care Bears