Weirdness Stories Lists Art Doughboy Art Quotes Downloads Audio Poop Game Maps AnimationInteraction Chat Room Forums Links Guestbook Email Home |
In this documented speech by a New York bum, people will hear his sales pitch as he tries to sale his worldly possesions. The Sale Of A New York City Bum Turned Street Peddler If you'd give me a moment of your time, perhaps I might interest you in a product or two. I have many items for sale. The price...I'm sure you'll find it fair...You must use the toilet sometime during the next year. You see, I have a small fishing pole...I use it to catch my dinner each night...in one of the toilets of grand central station. So...if you don't mind, I have to beg that you don't flush the toilet the next time you're in grand central station. That is all I ask in return for the goods I now offer you. The first item up for sale is a nice dirty sock. As
many hot and sweaty days as I've been through with it, I
feel that it is time to part with my beloved friend. Next we have a lovely pair of shoes. I believe they
would go good with the sock. On this nice pair of shoes
you will find a beautiful vomit stain, left by a pregnant
woman that had just finished eating cream corn and
brownies. The next item you will find in my collection of fine
goods is a pair of underwear. They are equipped with a
lovely brown/black stain, some red spots, and a handy
hole in the back for those hurried moments when you just
don't have time to pull them down. Upon purchasing these
you will receive the dirty sock that matches the one on a
dead hookers leg. Now I have a special item up for sale. It is a lovely
females garment. It is not precisely known what it is,
but it consists of 18 strings and a velvet strap. I will
only allow the purchase of this item if you would be kind
enough to do me a favor and remove it from that lady on
the corner. Now I offer you a small item. A piece of gauze that
was used to hold a 380 pound mans buttock on on the way
to the hospital after a fork lift accident. The next item you will see is a small weed wacker,
used in the murder of a 38 year old man by his youngest
daughter of 6 years. In it's blades you can still find
valuable pieces of scalp and leg tendons. Oh, yes, I nearly forgot about a wonderful item I've
been keeping in storage in that gap in my loins. It was
given to me by a friend that fought in the Korean war.
Here it is. A lovely knee cap from a soldier that had
hemorrhoids. Supposedly it popped off while he was
squatting because he strained too hard. Here is one of the best items in my vast collection. A
square of toilet paper used by the President of the
U.S.A. to wipe after using a McDonalds restroom. This is
one of my most treasured items. It contains a patriotic
brown streak with crusty black lines running through it.
I wasn't going to sell it, but I can see that you're all
nice people and will tearfully part with it. Now I offer you some weapons. An AK-47 and 3 oozies. I
found them in a wrecked mail truck in an alley on the
other side of town. There was a bit of resistance from
the maimed postal worker that still gripped one of the
oozies. When I got the weapon turned around and pulled
the trigger he suddenly extended me a bit of courtesy and
handed over the weapon peacefully. This next item is a revolutionary new item I invented
myself. It can be put to many uses. I call it...rotten
banana peel. It is made simply of a rotten banana peel. I
have been using it for a year or so to clean the yellow
and black, and sometimes brown, scum from my tongue. If
you purchase it you may use it for what ever you please. Now, as much as I hate to do it, I will sell you one
of my great hidden treasures. Since I received a large
bullet wound in the side of my stomach I haven't used a
part of my body. I now offer you...my anus. My anus is in
prime condition and comes with a fine tuned sphincter.
Added to the one you probably already possess it will
speed your pooping process to a tremendous rate. I will accept your turds sometime in the next year. Have a nice day.
|
