So I've been sitting here thinking tonight. I've been being pretty pissed off at Heather for the last... oh, say... 24 to 48 hours. (Although at this point, being mad at, upset at, or hurt by her is a pretty much daily occurance...) I was trying to figure out just what was going on here. I have come accross a couple things. I'm jealous of this guy who she's been spending some time with recently. This is ridiculous. Number one, I haven't been dating her for over a year. Number two, she pisses me off or hurts me almost daily. Number three, this guy lives in Arizona. Number four, I seem to remember some rumors that he is gay. So, all these things considered, I first just thought to myself: "Well, jealousy is not usually a rational emotion." As if any are. But I thought about it more, and I think something that one of the volunteers at work has been accusing me of recently is probably true. I am lonely. Very lonely. So despite knowing Heather and I should never get back together, she's still been kinda occupying the girlfriend spot, as far as making me feel wanted and such. This is a horrible place for her to be, as she's constantly mad at me. But there she is. Jennifer is very kind to me, and helps me out in certain ways, but for some reason I just don't have that kind of connection w/ her. I actually pretty much wish I did. I'm pretty sure she'd try dating me, if I wanted to. But neither of us ever has much free time. (That being just another reason, to add to the one of just not feeling that connection w/ her.) Kate's back in town. Dusti is as well, though apparently temperarily. I've seen Kate twice since she got back a week ago. I accidently saw Dusti last night. It went something like this: (Justin, surprised sounding:) Hello! (Brandon, surprised sounding): Hello! (me, also surprised): Hello there! (Dusti, to Justin): Hi. (to Brandon): Hi. (to no one inparticular): Who brought him here? I didn't want to see him.
Yeah. Fuck you too, Dusti. Good to see the year or so that I haven't seen you hasn't changed a thing. (Well, good to see her, litterally, but yeah.) At least tonight when Kate and I went to dinner before going to the Beckners' to join in the bad movie watching, we had a pretty good conversation. Unlike when we went to lunch on Tuesday, and then hung out for a while until I bored her to death. And then I went to dinner w/ Heather, which just put me off over the jealousy of other people doing all the fun things w/ her. I don't really know what to say to her, because I just know she'll tell me to stop being stupid. Which is a great suggestion... but it doesn't help much, as I already wish I could do just that. Also, that's a hurtful way to say it, which will just cause me more pain. Oh, the pent-up hurt and anger. Albert asked me the other day if Heather and I were back together. I told him no. Never again. He asked me why. I said because she's a bitch. Without even much stumbling over the word. That's not a good sign, is it? Well, maybe some would say it is, because it might mean I'm getting smart and will stop hanging around her. But I don't like that I can say that about someone w/ out much of a pause. "Once we looked years ahead but now those thoughts are dead. Let me go..."
I just looked at my AIM, and noticed that I still had my away message up. I got a couple messages from Mary-Claire. They said something about her being really full. And then she said that she thought she was going to go make herself throw up, because it was so uncomfortable. Great. Yes, turn bulhemic. Or however the hell you spell that. Gosh darn it. This thing is supposed to be making me feel better. It's not working so well right now. "It's just another day..." I also keep thinking of HannaH. Which sucks. I don't want to cause any problems between her and Vlado. They're both good friends, and I'm glad that they're happy. But yes, I'm jealous again. When they were around last month, I realized again (since she was talking to me) just how cool HannaH is. Which would be fine, except it kinda makes me want to be back together w/ her. At least I have that great respect for them both which will help to keep me from doing anything dumb about it. ::sigh:: I should probably go to sleep now, as I work in the morning.

(9-11 1:31)

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