Well, obviously I haven’t written one of these in a while, but the mood just somehow struck me after over a year. (Could be because I was reading 6 year old notes from people who were in the first few ramblings...) Anyway, in re-reading (and thereby partially reliving) my past, I came to a realization. What I really miss right now is the feeling of someone just wanting you. Love no matter what. It’s been... at least 4 years since I’ve really felt that. The love that doesn’t go away if you stop loving that person the same way. Love for you no matter who you love, or where you go, or what you do. True, that actually turned out not to be forever, like she said, but... I do believe she actually thought she was telling the truth when she wrote it. I know no one who would even think they’d love me forever no matter what now. At least not in the deep way she did. I mean, yeah, I suppose my parents would love me no matter what, but that’s not the same. I do have true friends as well, at least some of whom I believe would stay around no matter what... but I really haven’t felt that from a romantic-interest girl for years and years. I mean, I might feel guilty having anyone that completely devoted to me, but... I still miss it. “Now I- Now I know I wish it would rain down. Down on me. Ooh, yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now.” Maybe though if I were that devoted to someone, I’d get it in return. Imagine that. “Though your hurt is gone, mine’s hanging on inside!... ‘Cause I know, I know, I never meant to cause you no pain. And I realize I let you down. But I know in my heart of hearts, I know I’m never going to hurt you again. And now I- Now I know I wish it would rain down…” I guess maybe I need to do some serious searching of myself to figure out what I need to do. Maybe if I just put forth a lot of effort with her, she’ll melt back down and be more like we were in the beginning… Which still wasn’t what I was just missing, but at least it was much closer than where we are now. Or perhaps I should get myself out of here and move completely on, find someone who doesn’t treat me like I’m just a jerk. Well, I suppose that’s not all she treats me like. It just feels that way sometimes. A lot of the time. I think Amber’s bugged her about it, though. I think she’s making some efforts to not be as bad to me. Gosh is it ever hard to decide what to do. Flashing back to some of these others doesn’t help. It’s just going to make me want to find someone like them. And I don’t think I can. At least, not very easily. Justin asked me recently what percentage of my time I figured I spent thinking about women. He apparently thinks I spend at least a third of my waking hours thinking about them. I figured it wouldn’t help my point if I asked him what else there really was to think about. I mean, it’s most of what I’m about. Feeling loved. I really think that’s me. I don’t care much about other things. Have someone to love, and be loved. Yep. Me. Kate got a boyfriend finally. I was up visiting her and... my gosh, she’s 18 now… the 18-year-old I guess I have to call her now. I met Kate’s boyfriend. He seems pretty cool. Which is good for a couple of reasons: 1) I wouldn’t want Kate getting hurt, and 2) I won’t be too uncomfortable around him. By cool, I think I quite possibly mean dorky. Dorky like me and my friends. Kate says he’s more dorky than any of us. If you took every single dorky thing about each of us, and put it into one person, that would be her boyfriend. I told her that’s insane. No one could possibly be that dorky. Wow, good thing I started talking about Kate’s boyfriend. I almost stuck to one subject that time...

(11-13 01:17)

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