Furthermore, today, I was talking to a mutual friend of myself and the one I thought was a best friend (who I may as well admit is the 15-year-old, who is now actually almost 17) about that friend (anyone lost yet?), and she told me the (what should I call her? I need something shorter than “the one I thought was a best friend” and I can’t rightly call her “the 15-year-old” anymore... Fine, go for what’s easiest... the 16-year-old. Now then, let’s start this over.)

Furthermore, today, I was talking to a mutual friend of myself and the 16-year-old, and she said she had been talking to her... yesterday or something like that. Here is what she knows. She apparently asked why the 16-year-old was... uh... upset with me, and she said that it was because I was trying to act all innocent and like I didn’t know what I was doing. Uh, hello! I don’t. I wouldn’t bother to pretend not to know what was going on if I knew. If I knew, I’d try to change it. Most likely. Unless it was dumb. But anyway, point is, she thinks I’m just playing dumb. I just about typed “bitch” there. I’ve never said that about her seriously. Jokingly, often, but... Fuck, I care about her a lot. I thought that she cared about me, as well. OK, so maybe this doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care, but it kinda feels like it. I’m sure in her mind she’s doing it for my own good, so I stop “being stupid.” But shit. I’m really disappointed in how she’s dealing with this. I guess I have once again held someone up too high. And I can already see where she’d take offence to what I’m saying. But hell with it. I’m not one to stop in the middle of a rambling. Especially not when it’s getting out just about everything that I feel. OK. I ran that part out. Oh, right. Something I forgot. I IMed her the other day. A couple days ago, I believe. I said something like “OK, so now what’s up with this me being really creepy stuff?” She basically told me to stop being stupid. I said “fuck you” and then “Do you really think I’d to this if I knew what I was doing?” or something to that effect. But she signed off at that point. Blocked me, actually, as I have seen her on on Brandon’s list, while she’s not on mine. That hurts. I haven’t been blocked by anyone who I haven’t considered someone who often acts like a child in a long time. ::brain flashes deep purple:: I don’t consider the 16-year-old someone who even acts as young as her age, much less someone who acts less than her age. But blocking me? Just because I’m upset at the fact that she thinks I’m playing dumb, and won’t tell me what it is I’m doing? This is one of those problems with girls that I’ve gone off on before. In one of my first ramblings, for that matter. It reeks suspiciously of the “I’m mad at you, but I’m not going to tell you why, because you should know,” scenario. Oh, the other thing that really hurts... she apparently explained to our mutual friend that the other night, when she shared Brandon’s bed, that the main reason she didn’t share mine was that she didn’t trust me to keep it “innocent.” What?! Fuck that. I’ve known her how long now? And have I ever, EVER tried to turn anything into a “non-innocent” encounter? No. I have not. At least, not physically, and I’ve never been very bad verbally, either. I’ve never talked of doing anything with her, aside from quick jokes if the timing was right. So, great, this person I considered a best friend doesn’t trust me to... basically not rape her. Not only that, but she trusts someone she hasn’t known as long, or as well, not to. But not me. What happened here? Where’s the mature, kind (if jokingly bitchy), rational girl I knew? I would go back and read again right now, but I just did that, and it’s not really taking my mind off this shit.

Earlier I was typing some more of my songs to put on the page, and it turns out that almost all of them were about her. That was not helping. Oh look, more fuel for the fire of me being “really creepy.” But these are the old ones. From when I first met her. And apparently it’s just recently that I’ve become “really creepy.” But, apparently I’m stupid, since she thinks I’m playing stupid, and I’m not. So maybe really I’ve been “really creepy” all along. Although that would not explain how nice and kind she’s been to me in the past, and then her suddenly seeming to want nothing to do with me. Well, I suppose this is long enough.

(2-02 23:55)

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