Ezra was sitting on the porch of the saloon, enjoying the weather of another warm day, as the sun shone brightly on the main street, causing him to squint on occassions as the light penetrated his dark thoughts causing his head to ache even more than it was. He was sitting with a cold cup of coffee in his hand as he was to involved with his thoughts to remember it was there. He glanced up as the townsfolk walked past and answered their questions of concern. Their questions were about the bullet wound that he had recieved four days ago and not the emotional trauma that he had gone through, they didn't know about it and Ezra didn't want them to know.

He had spent most of the last two days out in the open because he didn't feel comfortable staying indoors and that was why Nathan allowed him to leave his clinic only after two days. Nathan wanted Ezra to heal emotionally as well as physically and he knew that he would not be able to do that when he was kept in a situation that made it difficult for him. Ezra had agreed to Nathan constantly checking with him to make sure that his shoulder was healing.

The six lawmen took turns sitting with him, being there in case he needed them or wanted to talk. Ezra had accepted their concern and did not argue with them which was something they were happy about. Ezra kept quite most of the time though, sometimes he would talk about things that had nothing to do with what happened, he still kept that to himself, he didn't really know why but he didn't want to talk to them about it anymore. Ezra thought about what Josiah said, about it taking time, he wondered how long it was going to take, he wanted the need that was in the back of his mind to go away, the need to shut his friends and the emotions out.

Ezra looked up when he heard the sound of footsteps on the boardwalk, he saw Chris Larabee walking towards him. His dark clothing made even more dark by the bright sunlight that surrounded him. He looked up into his face as Chris stood over him and then removed Chris's hand from his forehead.

"There is no need for that Chris." Ezra told him as he struggled with the need to push him away, his head hurting even more as he fought it.

"Still got that fever Ezra." Chris ignored him as he sat down in the chair next to him. "Does Nathan know?"

"Of course he knows. Nathan has been like a mother hen. Not a half hour goes by that he doesn't check up on me." Ezra grimaced at the thought. He wanted to tell Nathan about the headache but he knew that he would only make him go back to the clinic and Ezra did not want that.

"Well you did tell him that he could." Chris reminded him.

"Yes I did, I just didn't think that he would do it so often. Nathan can be very irritating you know." Ezra was serious in this statement but Chris failed to notice as he was not looking at Ezra when he said it.

Chris smiled, even though Ezra had gotten a lot out of his system and they now knew why he behaved the way he did, he was still stubborn as a mule. He had accepted their concern but still didn't liked to be touched and still wouldn't allow them to check his temperature or show any other physical touch such as a hand on a shoulder. Josiah had explained to them that even though he had talked about it, it would still take longer for him to heal and change his habits as he had been living that way for twenty years, they couldn't expect him to change overnight and when he did change it might only be in small ways.

"You could always go back Ezra, I'm sure Nathan won't mind." Chris told him.

"Only if I recieve another serious injury Chris and the way I am going lately that probably won't be far away." Ezra laughed as he tried to put some humour in his voice before Chris realised that there was something wrong, Ezra knew that there was but he couldn't work out what it was exactly.

Chris didn't know whether to laugh with him or not. Ezra was right about his injuries and Chris was worried that the next time he might be killed. For some reason Ezra was injured more often than the rest of them. Ezra had also used his first name as he had been doing since he woke up in Nathan's clinic, he had been using everybody's first name and it had not gone unoticed by any of them. This was one of the small changes that Josiah was talking about.

"Ezra." Chris became serious. He waited for Ezra to look at him.

"Yes?" Ezra turned his eyes towards Chris and after seeing the serious expression he became worried. "You are going to put me back in there."

"No that's not what I want to say." Chris saw that most of the pain had gone from Ezra's eyes and the usual glint was returning but there was something behind it but it was gone from Ezra's eyes before he could see what it was. "I just wanted to tell you that . . ."

"Tell me what?" Ezra wanted to know as he knew that it must have been something that he did. "I haven't done anything that would make you angry over the last few days."

"Ezra don't. Stop assuming that everytime I want to talk to you that it's because of something that you've done. I don't like it when you put yourself down like that." Chris ignored Ezra's shoulder shrug and took a deep breath. "It's just hard for me to say that's all."

"Just say it then." Ezra was becoming impatient.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you for what you did, for finally dealing with what was bothering you and talking to us about it." Chris let the breath out.

"I am not a child Chris, there is no need to be proud, it's not like it's an achievement." Ezra told him.

"Hey Ezra!" Buck called to him as he ran across the street, interrupting the conversation. The smile dropped off his face as he saw the expressions that the two men held.

"Are you proud too Buck?" Ezra asked him.

"Huh?" Buck was confused.

"Chris here has taken on the roll of a father figure, says he's proud of me." Ezra smiled, he thought that it was quite amusing. "I am going to ask him to take me out to play later. Want to come?" Ezra turned to Chris, the smile still showing on his face, the headache forgotten for the moment. "Can Buck come too, he doesn't usually get out much, you can tell by the way he acts around people, he can be very embarrassing sometimes."

"What the hell are you talking about Ezra?" Buck wanted to know, he looked at Chris when he heard him laughing.

"He can be can't he?" Chris agreed, he had begun to laugh out of relief as he thought that Ezra had taken what he said the wrong way.

"Well I will just get my friend to deal with you." Buck's smile grew as he saw Ezra raise his eyebrows at him. "Nathan is going to be here in a minute and he has something for you to drink?"

"Do I have time to escape?" Ezra asked as he started to get up.

"No you don't." Nathan warned him as he walked around the corner. "And if I hear that sort of talk again you will be going straight back to the clinic." Nathan reached the group of men and handed Ezra a cup. "It'll help your fever Ezra and when you drink it I want to check your shoulder."

Ezra scowled up at him but drank the mixture as he was told to do, the last thing he wanted was to go back to Nathan's room. He then started to undo the buttons of his vest but his hand was pushed away by Nathan. Ezra tossed his good hand up in the air and then gave Chris a filthy look as he laughed at him. Nathan gently probed the gunshot wound in Ezra's left shoulder and heard his quick intake of breath.

"Still pretty sore Ezra?" Nathan asked him as he looked up into his face.

"Yes and before you ask, no I haven't been using that arm." Ezra said through clenched teeth as he glared back at Nathan.

Nathan did not fail to notice the anger in Ezra's eyes and remembered what his Aunt had done to him. "Sorry Ezra." He then did Ezra's shirt and vest buttons up and then placed his hand on his forehead. He gave Ezra a look when he tried to remove it. "Your fever's not improving either." Nathan had a worried expression that Ezra could help but not notice.

"Nathan, please don't make me go back to your room." They all looked at Ezra and saw the slight fear that was in his eyes.

"No I won't do that Ezra as long as you do what I ask you to do." Nathan told him. The relief flooded Ezra's face and he nodded in agreement while stiffling a yawn behind his hand. "Good, I want you to go to your room and get some sleep."

Ezra nodded, grateful that he didn't have to go back to Nathan's clinic. He got up out of his chair and without looking at anyone, made his way into the saloon and up to his room, thinking that he could come back out when he woke up. Once he had reached his room Ezra only managed to take his guns off before dropping onto his bed and falling into a deep sleep. Fifteen minutes later Chris stepped into Ezra's room and sat down into the chair next to the window and watched the gambler sleep.

Nathan joined Chris in Ezra's room a couple of hours later so he could give Ezra's shoulder a more thorough examination. He had expected the wound to still be causing Ezra some pain because it was only four days old but he was worried about his fever which had not come down at all during those four days. Nathan noticed that Ezra was lying on his right side facing Chris and seemed to be in a deep sleep so he hoped that he didn't wake up while he checked his shoulder. Chris watched as Nathan gently turned Ezra onto his back, his head staying in the same position and then as he unbuttoned Ezra's clothing and pulled them away revealing the bandage that covered the wound. Nathan then checked it again for any infection, he kept glancing up at Ezra's slack features looking for any sign of him waking up but there was none.

Nathan had found no sign of an infection the first time and not this time either, he had hoped that he would find something as he needed an explaination for the fever. He also checked his pulse to find it strong and steady and then his breathing which was regular. He was physically fine except for the bullet wound and the fever. The wound was healing but the fever wasn't improving and this caused Nathan to worry even more about what was causing it.

"The wound's fine but his fever should have come down by now." Nathan said more to himself than to Chris while he watched Ezra continue to sleep.

"Could there be something else causing it?" Chris asked him as he stood up and walked to the bed.

"No. Everything else is healing fine, the knife wounds and his head injury are all okay. There is nothing I could think of." Nathan put his hand on Ezra's forehead feeling the heat that his body was still generating. "I'll give him until tomorrow and if it's still the same I'll have to take him to the clinic and give him a full checkup, in the meantime why don't we leave him to rest, we can keep checking in on him."

They made Ezra comfortable by removing his upper clothing and boots, they then managed to get him under the bed covers without waking him up and left him to continue what Nathan thought was a healing sleep. The six lawmen gathered at the saloon again and took turns to go and check Ezra to see if his fever had improved. On a couple of occassions they found him dreaming and sat with him and talked to him until he settled. They were all becoming worried again as Ezra hadn't dreamt at all over the last four days but for some reason his dreams were back haunting him again.

After checking on Ezra again, Nathan returned to the group that sat in the croweded saloon, each member was waiting to take his next turn to check in on Ezra. Nathan sat down at the table not hiding the concern that was written all over his face. "He's fever is higher than it was before." He informed the group.

"If everything is fine then why is his fever getting worse?" Buck asked the question that they all wanted to ask.

"I don't know Buck, I can't think of anything that would cause it. His wound is fine, he's not sick." Nathan shrugged his shoulders.

"You don't think that it has anything to do with his emotions and what he went through?" Asked Josiah.

"I didn't know something like that could make a person sick?" Vin voiced this as a question.

"I don't know Josiah but if that is the reason then I couldn't say how long the fever would last or if it will keep getting worse." They sat in silence for a few minutes not knowing what to say.

"I'm going to go and sit with him for a while." Josiah got up and headed up to Ezra's room. Their eyes followed him up the stairs.

"What if his fever doesn't get better Nathan?" Buck asked after Josiah had turned the corner and was no longer in sight.

"Then I am going to have to get him to stay in bed for a couple of days after checking him over." Nathan answered him.

"He won't like that." Vin said.

"He's not going to have a choice Vin." Nathan sighed as he knew what it would mean if he had to force Ezra to stay in his room, it would almost be as bad as making him stay in the clinic.

Josiah quietly stepped into Ezra's room and found him to still be sleeping. It was becoming dark in the bedroom so he lit the lamp that was on the dresser as he knew that Ezra still did not like to wake up to a dark room, especially if he woke after a dream. He then went to the bed and sat down. He took a closer look at Ezra and then used the cloth that was in the bowl of water that had been set aside to wipe the sweat that had formed on Ezra's face and neck. Ezra moaned and rolled away from him. Josiah sighed as he knew the reason for Ezra moving away from the touch, it had a lot to do with how painful his Aunt's touch was, he got up off the bed and went and sat in the chair.

Josiah had decided that it was Ezra's emotional state that was causing his fever as he had seen it in others as they went through an emotional trauma, they had become sick for some reason but he was never able to figure out why. It was as though their body was showing what their mind was going through. He knew that Ezra needed time and even after the fever was gone his mind would still be healing. It was going to take a long time but he had his friends to help him through it and he was now willing to allow them to help him. He wasn't going to be alone anymore and it was by his own choice.

He also knew that he was going to have to try and get Ezra to talk about it more, he needed to talk about it, once was not going to be enough. He also wanted him to talk about his mother, he had finally accepted that what she had always told him was a lie. She wasn't any help to him at all in what he was going through and he hadn't taken it to well as he now believed that she had never wanted him. Josiah was not impressed with Maude at all, he thought that he had known her to be a better mother than that. When Ezra did make any comment about what his mother was like he thought that he had been making fun of the situation but Josiah now knew that Ezra had been serious.

Josiah went over to the bed to check Ezra's temperature again and found it to be even higher, the sweat was beginning to form in droplets on his forehead before they fell down his face. He used the cloth again to wipe it away, Ezra did not move this time. Josiah continued to wipe Eza's face as the time passed, he only stopped when Nathan and Chris entered the room.

"How's he doing Josiah?" Nathan asked him as he came towards the bed.

"His fever has gotten worse again." He simply stated without looking away from Ezra.

Nathan felt Ezra's forehead and agreed with what Josiah had just told him. "Has he woken at all?"

"He moved away from me when I wiped his face when I first came up but he hasn't moved since and he hasn't woken up."

"Is there anything that you can do for him?" Asked Chris.

"Not when I don't know what's wrong with him Chris."

"I think it's because he went through a traumatic experience." They both looked at Josiah. "He's never gone through anything like that before, he doesn't know how to cope with it and I think that his body is doing it the only way it knows how to." They gave him confused looks. "The body gets a fever when it goes through physical trauma so why not the mind."

"You believe that?" Chris asked him.

"Do you have a better explantion as to why Ezra has a bad fever when there is no physical reason for it?" Josiah answered him with his own question.

"Nathan are you sure he isn't just sick?" Chris wanted a different explantion to the one that Josiah had given him.

"Not at the moment Chris, his breathing is fine and his pulse is normal, there are no other symptoms to show that he was coming down something." Nathan pulled the bedcovers back. "I'm going to check him over now instead of waiting and see if I can find anything that would explain it but I am going to tell you that I don't believe that I am going to find anything."

Nathan checked everything, he made sure that there was no infection in any of Ezra's wounds, even the ones that were pratically healed, he checked his ribs that were broken by Horrow, he found his pulse and breathing to still be fine. He examined the shoulder wound for a third time and found nothing. There was nothing wrong with him, there was no other reason for the fever to be getting worse. And to make Nathan even more concerned was the fact that Ezra didn't respond to anything that he had done. He lifted one of Ezra's eyelids to check his pupil.

"He's not asleep, he's unconscious." Nathan told Chris and Josiah.

Ezra had no idea what was going on, he didn't know where he was or why he was even here. All he knew was that it was dark and quiet and there were no voices or dreams plagueing his mind as they had been earlier. But, he was feeling the emotions that he had been unable to deal with over the last week and when he had finally let out the emotions that he was trying to deny, thanks to his friends, it had made him feel better in some ways but in other ways nothing had changed, the need to shut out his friends was still there and it was becoming stronger and he couldn't understand this as he had accepted their concern, he wanted their help now.

Josiah had told him that it would take time for the emotional wounds to heal and that not everything was going to change but Ezra had decided that if they hadn't healed or changed in the twenty years after it happened then why would they begin to do so now, just because he cried and told them what happened. This was all new to Ezra and he was yet to understand what Josiah had told him while he was in Nathan's clinic and all this doubt was helping the need to push them away become even stronger, strong enough to fight against his willingness to want to change.

The emotions were still with him trying to take control again, the memory was there and the fear also. His mother's voice had decided to join them and tried to convince him again that it was pity and not concern that his friends showed him. But Ezra knew that she was lying so he was able to send the voice away. The voice left it's own mark though and that was the realisation that his mother had never really wanted him, she hadn't done anything to show him otherwise. All of these emotions were putting his mind in tormoil again and he didn't know how to control them. It was this turmoil that convinced him that his soul was not going to heal like he was told, talking about what had happened to him didn't really help him and that was why he was going through all of this again. The emotions that he was feeling and the need to shut everything away in the back of his mind, the need to push his friends away began to fight each other within Ezra's mind, each wanting to take control over the other.

There was no one else with him to tell this to and to ask why this was happening, he was on his own again. Ezra didn't like that, for the first time in a long time he wanted to be with his friends, he didn't want to deal with this on his own, not anymore. He wanted them with him even if he didn't want to talk, he wanted them to sit with him, just to be there for him as they had always done before but they weren't. He was on his own and this was making the fear stronger. The needs and emotions were wanting to control him all over again.

But Ezra remembered something else that Josiah had told him, that they were only emotions, that they won't hurt him like his Uncle or Mother did. He wasn't able to deal with them but he could deal with the emotions. He stopped fighting them and accepted them like Josiah had told him to do as he now knew that they would not harm him. He allowed the fear to flow through him knowing that it was nothing like the real thing that happened twenty years before. He let the memory repeat itself in his mind and took in every detail, he accepted what happened and stopped trying to push it away, so the memory and fear stayed there in his mind. He had to deal with them and he was going to allow his friends to help him to do it but by doing this the need to shut them out also became stonger as it saw it's opportunity to try and take control over the emotions that his mind had accepted.

Ezra could begin to see the light as it began to break up the darkness that surrounded his mind, he began to hear voices and knew they belonged to his friends. He could feel the damp cloth as someone wiped his face and struggled to stop himself from moving away but he couldn't help himself, the need and old habits were taking control all over again. He turned his head away and groaned more at his failure to accept the touch than he did at the pain the movement caused to his skull.

"Ezra?" Josiah called to him.

Ezra heard his name being called and he tried to answer but he couldn't get his own voice to work. He wanted to let Josiah know he was okay so he tried to open his eyes but they wouldn't work either, the only thing he managed to do was to lift his arm but someone gently took it and placed his arm back on the bed, the hand didn't let go so Ezra weakly pulled his arm away without even realising what he had done.

"Take your time Ezra, don't rush it." Nathan told him as Ezra pulled his arm from his gentle grip. He couldn't stop the relief from showing in his voice as it had been a long seven hours since he told Josiah and Chris that Ezra was unconscious. He still hadn't been able to find out what had caused his fever to become so bad, he had wanted to believe what Josiah had said but he had never seen anything like it before.

"I'll go and let the others know that he's coming round." Chris told them as he knew they wanted to know as soon as there was any change in Ezra. They were going to be as relieved as he was. He couldn't understand how Ezra was fine yesterday, he had been sitting outside with him, he'd had a slight fever but it was nothing compared to what his fevers were usually like and then to be so sick and Nathan wasn't able to give him a real explanation for it.

"Josiah . . ." Ezra moaned.

"I'm here Ezra, so is Nathan." Josiah answered him.

"I'm sorry . . ." Ezra grimaced at the dryness in his throat as it made talking difficult.

"I'll get you some water Ezra." Nathan told him.

"I didn't want to move my head . . . I couldn't stop myself, it wants to take . . . control again."

Josiah heard the sadness in his voice. "It's okay Ezra, don't worry about it, I told you it's going to take time." And to show that he did understand he placed his hand back on Ezra's forehead and smiled when Ezra didn't move away but he didn't realise the struggle that Ezra had to go through to keep his head from moving. "Nathan, his fever has come down."

Nathan came back to the bed with a cup full of a herbal mixture. He felt Ezra's forehead, expecting him to move but he didn't. "Drink this Ezra, it will help the fever." He helped Josiah lift Ezra's head and watched as he managed to drink the entire contents of the cup.

"Nathan if I can try and change my ways . . . could you at least try . . . to change the taste . . . of that." Ezra muttered as they laid his head back down.

"Can't promise anything Ezra." Nathan smiled. "How do you feel apart from the fever?"

"My head hurts." Ezra muttered as he fell into a peaceful sleep.

Nathan and Joisah looked up as the rest of the group stepped into the room and come toward the bed. "He's sleeping." Nathan informed them.

"Is he going to be okay?" JD asked him.

"His fever has started to come down but it may be a few more hours yet before it's gone." Nathan looked back down at Ezra's sleeping form. "We'll have to keep taking turns checking on him." They nodded in agreement, they had been taking turns since his fever became high and they weren't going to stop now.

"Buck, Vin why don't you sit with him for a while." Nathan suggested. "Let me know if he wakes up."

The others left as Buck and Vin made themselves comfortable, Vin took the chair while Buck sat on the bed. Buck tried to move the damp hair from Ezra's forehead but he moved away from him.

"Why does he have to keep going through so much?" Buck asked Vin as if he had an answer to his question.

"I don't know Buck but at least he's not going through it alone this time, he's finally letting us help him."

Buck and Vin watched as Ezra began to toss and turn in his sleep, he muttered about the darkness that he was in, the rats that he could hear and the beating that he could feel, his body jerked with each physical blow that his Uncle inflicted on him. Buck put a gentle touch on Ezra's chest and started to speak to him to try and calm him down.

"Ezra, it's only a dream, it's not real." Buck spoke in a calming tone hoping that his words reached Ezra's fevered mind. "Your okay Ezra, he can't hurt you anymore." Ezra continued as though he hadn't heard Buck's voice. "Ezra it's Buck, Vin and I are here with you." These words seemed to calm the gambler down and Buck continued to talk to him until his movements stopped altogether, his head now lying unmoving against his left shoulder.

Vin came over and sat on the other side of the bed and used the damp cloth to wipe Ezra's face, he then felt his forehead and found that he felt warmer than he had before. "Buck, he's fever has gone up again. I'm going to go and get Nathan." Vin got up off the bed and headed out of the door without looking back.

Buck placed his own hand back on Ezra's forehead and felt that he had gotten warmer. "What the hell is wrong with you Ezra?" But Ezra's slack features didn't give him an answer.

Ezra was finding it hard to cope with the fight that was going on in his mind, he had stopped fighting the memories and emotions like Josiah told him to, he had accepted them but by doing so they seemed to have become stronger. He tried to let them go so he could deal with them but the stonger emotions had brought his old habits to the surface and they wanted to fight them. He didn't want to fight the emotions, so he began to fight his habits and the need to allow those habits to take control, thinking that it would be easier than fighting the emotions - he was wrong. Sometimes it would work and other times his old habits took control and fought back. He was being torn in two, he wanted to change and do what Josiah told him, but his subconscious wanted to deal with the emotions the old way. He needed help, he didn't know what to do.

"Josiah?" Ezra called out.

"Josiah's not here Ezra." Buck told him.

"I can't do it on my own."

"You can't do what Ezra?" Buck leaned forward as Ezra had started to mumble and he couldn't quite hear him.

"I can't fight them, they want to take control again." Ezra fought it as long as he could but the need to shut everything out started to take control. He knew that if he was awake that Josiah or one of the others could help him. "Help me, I can't fight them."

Buck didn't look up when he heard the door to Ezra's room open. "Were here for you Ezra, we'll help you get through it."

"They don't want you to." Ezra had said this so quietly that only Buck had heard him.

Nathan came to the bed and felt Ezra's forehead just as the others had done. "Your right Vin, his fever is back up again." Nathan hung his head. "I don't know what's wrong with him."

"I think Josiah was right." Nathan looked at Buck. "He was talking about not being able to fight them, I think he was talking about his emotions, what he went through, is going through." Buck turned around. "Vin could you go and get Josiah, Ezra was asking for him." Vin nodded and left the room a second time.

"How can I fix his fever then?" Nathan asked Buck.

Both were torn from their thoughts as Ezra jerked awake and tried to sit up but their gentle hands pushed him back down. "Take it easy Ezra." Nathan told him.

Ezra tried to push them away, his fevered mind still wanted to do it the old way. "I can't do it, I can't fight it." Ezra told them. "I can't change. They won't let me."

"Calm down Ezra, just give yourself a few minutes." Nathan watched as Ezra's eyes began to focus on him.

"Nathan?" Ezra had heard the voices enter his mind and he tried to listen to what they were telling him, he had managed to fight his way out of the dream and woke up quickly, his mind was slow to follow and was still full of the fight that was going on in his mind but it finally caught up with his body and he began to focus on Nathan. "Aw hell." Ezra groaned as he placed his hands against his face and then rubbed his eyes. He felt someone take his hands and pull them back down.

"What is it Ezra?" Buck asked him as he held Ezra's hands. "Tell me what's wrong."

Ezra pulled his hands out of Buck's and then turned away from him, he didn't want to but he couldn't control himself, the habit of shutting people away was to strong, he tried to fight it but his mind was to weak, he felt as though it was hopless so he stopped fighting it. He decided to try again later when he was feeling stronger. He would ask for his friends help then, he just couldn't do it now, he was to tired. He closed his eyes and allowed the sleep that was pulling at him to take him back to the dark world where his mind continued it's struggle.

Vin came back into the room with Josiah and the rest of Ezra's friends. Josiah walked around Nathan and sat on the bed, he could see Ezra's inner struggle through the grimaces that crossed his handsome features.

"He's going through it all again Josiah." Buck explained to him.

"What are you talking about Buck?" Chris demanded to know as he came closer.

"He was talking in his sleep before and he wanted help, said he couldn't fight on his own anymore but now, when he woke up he shut us out, he's going back to his old ways, he's pushing us away again Chris."

"How can he ask for help one minute and then shut us out the next?" Vin wanted to know.

"It's a struggle for him Vin." Josiah started to explain. "One part of him wants to accept us and allow us to help him but the other part of him, the part that has been dealing with these feelings for the last twenty years, wants to do it the same way, that part of him doesn't want to accept the change that Ezra is willing to go through." Josiah looked at Nathan. "It's this struggle that's causing his fever."

"Josiah?" JD had stood back out of the way listening to what they were saying but he stepped forward now as he wanted an answer to a question that had been in his mind since Ezra broke down in Josiah's arms four days ago. "Is Ezra going to go through the same thing that he did in the saloon that day?"

"He might JD."

JD continued with the question he needed the answer to and he dreaded what that answer was going to be. "He wanted to kill himself then didn't he? You don't think that he will try and do that again do you?"

Chris spoke up before Josiah could. "I asked Ezra about that JD and he told me that he wasn't going to do that, said that he just wanted to keep us away from him." Chris tried to reassure JD but all of a sudden he was no longer sure that Ezra had told him the truth and he also noticed that his lack of confidence in his own answer didn't help JD at all as he saw the sadness overcome the young man's face. Chris knew that JD cared about Ezra, he had done so more or less since meeting him, he had seen the true man behind the mask that Ezra had always worn before the rest of them did and this had saved Ezra's life on one occassion.

"I'll sit with him for a while now." Josiah told the group. "I'll talk to him when he wakes up again."

"Josiah, do you mind if I stay to?" JD asked him, when he saw Josiah nod he went to the chair and sat down and watched as Josiah tried to comfort Ezra as he had begun to dream again.

The others had agreed in silence and quietly left the room and eached hoped that Josiah would be able to help Ezra because they didn't want him to go through it all again.

Ezra had rolled back onto his right side, and his features constantly changed with the struggle that he was going through. Josiah had placed one hand over Ezra's warm twitching hand and his other hand against his damp head and used his thumb to wipe the hair that kept falling over Ezra's forehead away. Josiah had done this once before where he had eventually accepted the touch but it took longer this time. Ezra tried to pull his hand away but Josiah would not allow him to, he also tried to roll over to get away from the hand that was on his head but Josiah stopped him from doing that as well. He began to rub Ezra's forehead with his thumb and it was this that got Ezra to calm down. Once Ezra had settled Josiah continued to do this hoping that Ezra knew that he was not alone and that someone would be there for him when he woke up.

Ezra's mind was being ripped apart, he didn't know which way to go. He could feel someone holding his hand and another as it was placed on his head, he didn't want to move away from them as he knew that it was concern so he fought as hard as he could against the need to push whoever it was away from him but he failed, he couldn't understand why it was so hard for him. The need won and he tried to move away from the hands but whoever it was wouldn't let him go, he smiled inwardly at the person who was trying to help him and it gave him some of the strength that he needed to fight the old habit that wanted to control him, he stopped struggling against the hands who's owner was showing him the concern that they were feeling.

It didn't take long though for the battle to start again, Ezra continued to fight it but it was to hard a struggle for him, he could no longer go against it, the struggle had weakened his mind and spirit, he allowed it to take control. Once Ezra had given up, the need to push the person away took control and his body violently tore itself away from Josiah, his eye snapping open at the same time to see who it was that was causing the struggle to become even worse than it had been. He cried out at the sudden pain that tore through his left shoulder as he rolled onto it, he stayed where he was though as he knew that if he rolled back the person that was there would only try to show him concern again and he didn't want the emotions that were pulling him apart to start.

Ezra wanted it all to stop, he couldn't go through all this again, not now, not when he thought that he had started to deal with it all and this time it was worse as he was struggling against two different types of emotions. He felt the hands on his arm as they tried to pull him back, he pulled further away from them. He could hear Josiah's voice and remembered what happened the last time he wouldn't let go of him so he pushed himself further away.

Josiah could see what Ezra was doing and he used his voice to try and calm him but it had made him struggle even more and he could see what was going to happen, he tried to pull Ezra back once more before he fell off the bed but he wasn't quick enough. Josiah heard Ezra's grunt of pain as he hit the floor. Josiah jumped off the bed after him and he also heard JD's footsteps as he came running around the bed. They both tried to help Ezra up but he pushed them away.

"Leave me alone." Ezra realised what he had just said. "Josiah!" He cried out as he curled himself up.

"I'm here Ezra. Let us help you, please." He took his arms but Ezra wouldn't allow him to pull them away from his body. Josiah waited a few moments and looked up into JD's face seeing that the younger man was going through his own struggle. "Are you okay JD?"

"What's wrong with JD?" Ezra asked as he looked around. Both Josiah and JD were stunned that Ezra would be able to show his concern when he thought that something had happened to JD when he was going through so much himself.

"Ezra . . ." JD hesitated but Josiah placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder as he knew that JD wouldn't say anything wrong. "The only thing that is wrong with me is what's happening to you." JD looked back down into Ezra's eyes and what he saw nearly tore him apart. "I don't like seeing you fight us like this Ezra, were trying to help you and you won't let us."

"It's not me JD, I want to change, I want to let you help me but they don't." Ezra looked away from him and at the same time allowed them to take his arms and help him back onto the bed. He looked around at the enclosed room and began to feel as though he was being suffocated.

"Who are you talking about Ezra?" Josiah asked him with concern.

"That need in the back of my mind, it wants to push you all away and I can't fight it, it's to strong for me." Ezra muttered, he felt tired but he didn't want to sleep here, he needed some fresh air and open space. "Josiah, please get me out of here, I need to get outdoors."

"That's not going to help your fever Ezra." Josiah warned him but also helped him stand up. "JD grab the bed cover."

When JD had done that they placed it around Ezra so he could stay warm and then helped him walk out of the room and down the stairs to the saloon that had become empty except for the other four gunmen. They all looked up, shock filling their faces as they watched as Josiah and JD helped Ezra down the stairs.

"What the hell do you think your doing?" Chris yelled at all of them as he pushed himself out of his chair, he heard it fall to the floor but he ignored it. He didn't know which one of the three men he should be angry at.

"He needs to get outside Chris." Josiah's expression told Chris everything and he nodded in return.

They followed them out of the saloon onto the porch, Josiah had helped Ezra down into the chair and was then pushed aside as Nathan bent down in front of Ezra. He had leaned back and closed his eyes as soon as he felt his body lowered into the chair and promptly fell asleep again as one thought quickly crossed his mind, he hoped that he wasn't going to wake up back in his room because if he did he would know that his friends weren't concerned about how he felt about being shut in a small room that he couldn't get out of. Nathan felt his forehead and found that his fever had come down slightly but his concern didn't leave him as this had happened before and then his fever had risen again.

"This is worse than waiting to see if he was going to live or die after those times he was injured." JD said from the back of the group, they all turned to him. Josiah moved over to him and placed his hand against his face.

"You said the right thing JD, it helped him, he told us what was going on in his own way."

"Thanks Josiah." JD smiled and then went and sat in the chair that was next to Ezra.

Buck and Vin and gone back into the saloon and returned with enough chairs for the others so they could all sit with Ezra. They sat down in their chairs and then looked at Josiah, waiting for an explanation as to what Ezra had told him.

Josiah saw their looks out of the corner of his eye and he tore his eyes away from Ezra to look at them. "It's just like I thought, he is going through a struggle within his mind. He's being torn in two, he wants to change and allow us to help him but his old habits, the way Maude brought him up doesn't want him too, he's fighting it but at the moment it's to hard for him and those old habits are coming to the surface and are pushing everything else that he is feeling to the back of his mind and that includes us." He looked back at Ezra, grateful to see the slack features as it meant he was sleeping peacefully.

"I'm confused." Vin admitted. "He wants to changed but he doesn't?"

"Something like that, he wants to change, to become a new person but the old Ezra won't let him." Josiah explained.

"But he has changed in other ways before now, why is this so hard for him to do?" Buck asked.

"Buck I am going to ask you this seriously as it may sound funny to the rest of you." He watched as Buck nodded. "How hard would it be for you to give up women? It would be a struggle for you wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, it would."

"Chris, what about you, it would be a struggle for you to admit that your wife and son never existed wouldn't it?"

Chris didn't answer as he didn't like to be used as an example but he also knew that Josiah was right, he was showing them how hard it was for Ezra to change the habit that he had lived by all his life. They were all beginning to understand now.

"Add that on top of what he is already struggling with . . ." Josiah left the statement unfinished as he saw the understanding that now covered each hired lawman's face. They all looked at Ezra now knowing exactly what he was going through.

Ezra jerked awake as he felt his Uncle's fist connect and crack his cheek bone, he nearly fell out of the chair that he was sitting in but he felt the strong hands stop him from falling, he sat back until his eyes focused and then looked around to see everyone watching him. He couldn't stop the comment escaping from his mouth.

"What are all of you looking at." He growled at them. Ezra groaned silently at the comment and leaned forward, as he crossed his fingers behind his head.

"It's okay Ezra, we understand." Chris told him as he patted him on the back but Ezra shoved him away.

"It's not okay." He looked around at them. "After everything that you men have done for me and I still treat you like this, I can't even understand why you put up with me."

"We keep telling you why Ezra, were . . . " Buck began.

"Yeah I know, your my friends and you care about me." They noticed the sarcasm in Ezra's voice. "I would have kicked me out of town months ago."

Chris grabbed Ezra's jaw a little to roughly and pulled his face towards him, Ezra struggled to get away from his grip but he felt to weak. "That's enough Ezra, I told you that I didn't like it when you put yourself down like that. You, Ezra Standish, are a good person no matter what you think of yourself, you are a good friend who is willing to risk his own life for his friends as they are for you and you would do anything for either one of us as we would for you. Your a part of this group now Ezra and were a family so I don't want to hear anymore of this crap about us not caring about you. Do you understand me?" Ezra could only nod as the lone tear fell down his face onto Chris's hand, he was shocked by Chris's actions, his words and his show of concern. "Good, now were going to help you get through this Ezra and you are going to let us help you." Chris waited for the nod of understanding from Ezra but all he saw was another tear fall from his eye. Chris pulled him forward and gave him a hug that Ezra did not expect or return.

The others stared with their mouths hanging open, Chris shocked them as much as Ezra did when he showed another side of himself and this was something that they did not expect from him, Josiah and Buck maybe but not Chris. Their expressions soon changed to smiles though as they saw that Ezra didn't push him away.

"Chris, your embarrassing me almost as much as Buck does." Ezra managed to get out.

"He is pretty hard to beat in that area." Chris laughed as he pulled away from Ezra, he watched as Ezra wiped away the other tears that were threatening to fall.

"Now I resent that," Buck spoke up, "nothing could be more embarrassing than JD's hat."

Ezra stopped the jibes. "Nathan have you got something for a headache?"

"You got a headache?" Nathan asked him. Ezra bit back a comment and rolled his eyes. "Sorry, you just told me that didn't you." Ezra smiled as Nathan said out loud what he was thinking. "I'll go and get you something but I won't be able to make it taste any good." He got up and as he did he took the opportunity to check Ezra's temperature, he moved away from his hand.

"I'm sorry Nathan." Ezra said quietly as he couldn't stop himself.

"It's okay Ezra, stop apologising for something that you haven't got any control over." Nathan said firmly. "Your fever hasn't come down anymore either so I will get you something for that as well." He walked away then and headed to his clinic as he tried to work out what he could do to bring Ezra's fever down.

Ezra pulled the blanket tighter around himself as he shivered due to the cool air, he could see the sun starting to send the darkness of night away for another day and he hoped that it was going to be warm day so the chills could be driven from his bones.

"It's cold out here Ezra, maybe you should go back up to your room where it's warmer." Vin suggested.

"No." Ezra said a little to quickly. "I don't want to go back there, not yet."

"What about inside the saloon then, you need to get out of the cool breeze, you got a fever and this isn't going to help you." Vin tried again.

"Only if we sit near the door." Ezra would only go in if he agreed to that.

"Sure Ezra." Vin and Chris helped him stand up but he was able to walk into the saloon on his own. He made his way to the table that was closest to the saloon doors and sat down heavily in the chair that was facing the outside world.

"I'll make us some coffee so you can wash down that concoction that Nathan is going to make you drink." Buck told him.

"Perhaps a whisky instead." Ezra suggested.

"Coffee Buck, hot and strong." Chris told him. "What about something to eat Ezra, think your up to it?"

"I've already taken care of that." They all looked up as Nathan walked back into the saloon. "I just saw Mary and Sarah and they said they would make us some breakfast, soup for you though Ezra." Nathan sat down at the table. "JD could you get me a cup of water please." Nathan attempted to feel Ezra's forehead again and was able to succeed this time. "Do you have any idea why you might have a headache?" Nathan removed his hand.

"The only thing that I can think of is all the emotions that won't stop going through my mind. There is quite a fight going on up here." He tapped his head. "I have one side telling me one thing and the other telling me something else and I don't know which way to go. I feel more comfortable with pushing you away but I want to change, it just won't let me."

"Just by telling us that Ezra shows that you are willing and able to change, it's just going to take time." Josiah explained to him.

"You told me that before Josiah, just how much time is it going to take?" There was a angry tone in Ezra's voice. "I can't kept going on like this for much longer."

JD returned before Josiah could answer Ezra's question, he handed Nathan a cup of water, who then poured a mixture of herbs into it and handed it to Ezra who just grimaced at him. "You asked for it so you can drink it."

Ezra took it and drank the contents of the cup, he gave it back to Nathan as he continued to grimace at him. "Nathan, you should take more care of your patients, that stuff is going kill someone one day." His comment brought smiles to the other faces that were watching him from around the table. He was glad when Buck also returned with a pot of coffee and enough cups for everyone. Ezra gratefully took the steaming cup from Buck but he had to wait until it cooled down and when it did he drank it in one go hoping that it would get rid of the foul taste that was in his mouth.

"Ezra." Josiah waited until he looked at him. "Your emotional wounds are like physical wounds, they take time to heal, it's just that sometimes the emotional ones can take longer especially if there bad like yours are."

"If they don't hurry up and heal Josiah then I am not going to win the battle that's going on within my mind." Ezra scowled at him, no one failed to notice this.

Ezra didn't want to say anymore, he was feeling tired again so he crossed his arms on the table and laid his head down on his arms. Nathan pulled the blanket back up over Ezra's shoulders and arms, it wouldn't stay on though so he placed his arm over Ezra's shoulders to keep it in place. He was soon asleep but the others watched as his body twitched and jerked with the dreams that he was having.

"Shouldn't we wake him up." Buck didn't want Ezra to sleep if he was going to have nightmares.

"Not unless his dreams get worse, he needs the rest." Nathan told him as he felt each movement that came from Ezra's body under his arm. After a few minutes Nathan no longer felt Ezra moving as he went into a more peaceful sleep but his head jerked up at the noise of Mary and Sarah coming through the saloon doors. Nathan took his head and gently pushed him back down towards his arms that were still on the table. "It's alright Ezra go back to sleep." Nathan was grateful that Ezra did as he was told and was asleep again as soon as his head was placed back on his arms.

"Shh." JD put his finger up to his lips and the two women stopped and then walked more slowly towards the table.

"Sorry." Mary whispered.

Sarah looked down into Ezra's handsome face. "Shouldn't he be up in his room?" She asked them quietly.

"He doesn't want to be shut up in there at the moment." Buck told her.

Sarah nodded in understanding as she knew what Buck was talking about, she hadn't gotten Ezra's reaction to being in that cellar out of her mind. She placed the tray of food on the table, being careful not to make any loud noises that would wake Ezra up again. Mary did the same thing and they then quietly pulled up some chairs and sat where there was room at the now crowded table.

"How is Ezra doing?" Mary asked Nathan.

"His fever has only come down slightly and he's struggling with a lot of emotions." He looked up from Ezra. "He's not doing to well at the moment Mary."

"Has he spoken about these emotions since the first time?" Sarah asked him.

"Bits and pieces but not enough to help him, he's starting to push us away but he's not doing it on purpose. That's another problem that he is trying to deal with." Josiah explained to her. "There is a war going on within him and he's not handling it very well. It's whats making him sick."

They listened as Ezra began to mumble in his sleep, Josiah who was sitting on the other side of Ezra placed his hand on his head and began to stroke it. Ezra turned his head to the side but Josiah continued what he was doing until he became quite again. He left his hand on Ezra's head, he could feel the cool dampness of his sweat that the fever was causing to form on his body, Josiah could also feel the heat that was radiating from him.

"Nathan, does Ezra feel warmer to you?" He waited while Nathan placed his hand against Ezra's forehead.

"His fever is up again."

"Why won't it come down and stay down Nathan?" Chris asked him.

"I don't know Chris!" Nathan had raised his voice without realising it and the loud noise caused Ezra to wake a second time within minutes.

Ezra pushed both Nathan and Josiah's arms off him. "How the hell am I supposed to get any sleep if you are going to keep waking me up!" He growled at them as he rubbed his still tired eyes.

"I'm sorry Ezra." Nathan watched though as Ezra's head fell back onto his arms, he frowned at this and then checked his pupils again. He looked over at Josiah. "He's unconscious again."

"Nathan, what the hell is going on here?" Chris growled at him.

"Josiah . . . " Nathan stood up and helped Josiah lift Ezra. "Take him to his room, I have to give him a more thorough checkup." The others stood up to go with them. "No you stay here, I'll let you know if I find anything." But they were thinking the same way as Nathan, there was nothing to explain what was going on except for Ezra's struggle with his emotions.

Josiah carried Ezra's limp body up to his room and placed him gently on the bed, he then unwrapped the blanket from his still form. He stepped back so Nathan could come in closer. "Take his trousers off Josiah, I want to check his legs as well just in case."

Josiah did as he was told and then stepped back and watched as Nathan examined every part of Ezra, still finding nothing that would indicate that he was sick or that some form of injury was causing the fever. "You say that his emotions are causing the fever, would they cause him to fall unconscious as well?" Nathan asked Josiah.

"I've seen people get sick after going through something like Ezra has but not this sick, they didn't become unconscious like this, they got a fever and neauseas but not this." He went to put Ezra's trousers back on but Nathan took them off him.

"He's not going anywhere Josiah, not until I figure this out." He pulled the blanket up to Ezra's chin.

"What if he want's to get out of this room?"

"Look at him Josiah, he's not going anywhere." Nathan repeated, he couldn't stop the anger and frustration from showing in his voice. "I'm sorry Josiah, I just don't know what to do, I don't know what's causing him to be like this and until I can find out what it is there is nothing that I can do for him except to keep giving him the herbs to help the fever but even they're not doing him any good."

"It's okay Nathan, I know you'll find a way to help him, maybe he just needs to talk about it more, why don't we try that when he wakes up."

Nathan nodded but he knew that it wouldn't make any difference to how Ezra was feeling physically as he was beginning to believe that Ezra's emotions had nothing to do with the way he was feeling. Ezra was sick but what from, Nathan didn't know. His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, he went to answer it thinking that he was going to have to give an explantion that he didn't have. He opened it to find Sarah holding a tray of food.

"I thought that you and Josiah would like something to eat while you are watching Ezra." She stepped into the room and glanced at Ezra whose only movement was his chest as he breathed. "Did you find anything?"

"No, nothing, I don't know what's wrong with him." Nathan told her.

"I thought that you said that it was his struggle with his emotions?" Sarah didn't like the answer that Nathan had given her.

Nathan looked over at Josiah. "I don't think that anymore." He watched as Josiah nodded in agreement.

Sarah moved around the bed and placed the tray on the table, the two men ignored it. "You have to eat something." She ordered them. They reluctantly agreed and took some of the food and began to eat, they didn't move from Ezra's bedside though. Sarah took the cloth that was soaking in the bowl of water and wrung it out, she began to wipe Ezra's face. "Nathan . . "

"What is it Sarah?" Nathan dropped his food back on the tray.

"His breathing has become laboured." She told him but Nathan already knew as he was able to tell just by the way Ezra's chest was rising and falling.

"Josiah, I think that it is time you started praying for Ezra." Nathan informed him.

"Sarah could you go and let the others know that Ezra has gotten worse, I'm sure they'll want to come up." When Sarah left the room Nathan sat down on the bed and pulled the bed cover back to reveal Ezra's bare chest, he placed his hand on the warm flesh and felt the difficulty that Ezra was having with each breath that he tried to take. "There doesn't seem to be any fluid in his lungs."

Josiah sat on the other side of the bed, he could hear the ragged breath as it managed to escape from Ezra's open mouth. "Why is he having trouble breathing?" He saw Nathan shrug and shake his head.

They could hear the running footsteps as the men came up the stairs and the door slammed open as they rushed inside. "What's wrong Nathan?" Chris asked as he came into the room, he didn't like what he saw, both Nathan and Josiah were sitting on the bed, Nathan had his hand on Ezra's chest and his head was hung low as though Ezra was . . . he didn't continue the thought, he couldn't.

"He's having trouble breathing Chris and don't ask me why because I don't know." Nathan told him without looking up.

Chris turned as he saw JD leave the room. "Buck go and make sure that JD's alright." Buck turned his head to look at the open doorway and then back at the still form of his friend on the bed. Vin could see that Buck was torn as to which friend needed him the most so he made the decision for him.

"I'll go after him Buck." Vin slapped him on the back and accepted his nod of thanks.

Buck hadn't known where to go, he wanted to make sure that JD was okay like Chris asked him to but he didn't want to leave Ezra, he was worried that Ezra was seriously ill and he wanted to stay with him just in case he . . . like Chris, he couldn't finish the thought that had invaded his mind. He was grateful when Vin came to his rescue. He moved towards the bed and leant down over Ezra and placed his hand on his head, he could feel the sweat and heat coming from his body. "Stay with us Ezra, you can't leave us now."

Vin walked down the stairs to saloon, the only people there were Mary and Sarah as it was still to early for the regular crowd. "Did JD come by here?"

"He's outside Vin." Mary informed him, she watched as he went outside after JD. Mary and Sarah had watched as JD ran down the stairs and then out of the saloon, they knew he was upset but neither knew what to say to him so they let him go.

Vin walked outside to find JD sitting in the chair that Ezra had occupied earlier, he sat down next to him. "Want to talk about it JD?"

"Why Vin? He's been through to much already. Why this? What did Ezra do wrong to deserve all of this?"

"First of all JD, Ezra didn't do anything wrong to deserve what he's going through, the people responsible are his Mother and Uncle, as for his being so sick, I don't have an answer to that." Vin had asked himself the same questions as he was sure they all had.

"Why coudn't it have been me?"

"What are you saying JD?" Vin had an idea but he wanted JD to say it.

"Why couldn't it have been me that got sick instead of Ezra, he can't keep going through all this Vin, it's gonna end up killing him, I know it." JD stood up, knocking the chair over in frustration.

"We all feel the same way JD, if any of us could take his place we wouldn't hesitate." Vin stepped up next to JD. "He's become a good friend to all of us hasn't he?"

"Yeah he has, I always knew he had a good side to him." JD smiled as he rubbed his eyes dry.

"It took us a while though." Vin thought about how long it did take for the rest of the group to realise what Ezra was really like as a person, they found him to be loyal to his friends, trustworthy and most of all he was a good natured person who only hid everything behind a wall because he was taught to do so but they were never aware of the emotions that were threatening to erupt as they tried to get closer to him. "We don't want to see him like this anymore than you do JD."

"Is he going to be okay Vin?" JD turned to him.

"I really don't know JD." He took his shoulder. "Why don't we go back up and see how he's doing." He led JD back into the saloon and up to Ezra's room. They didn't look at the two women who were still sitting at the table waiting for news on how Ezra was doing.

They stepped back into the room, the only sound they heard was Ezra's ragged breathing, they all looked up at JD, who smiled back at them to indicate that he was okay. JD moved over to the empty chair and sat down, his eyes took in the pale face that was turned towards him, he didn't want Ezra to die, he didn't know what he would do if he did.

JD didn't move from the chair just as the others didn't move from Ezra's bedside for the next three hours. Josiah kept wiping the sweat from Ezra's face as JD silently wished that Ezra would turn away from him as he didn't want to look at his pale features anymore. He had tried to take his own eyes away from him but he couldn't do it so he sat there hoping that Ezra would do it for him.

Nathan kept placing his hand on Ezra's now covered chest hoping that the touch would tell him something that his eyes didn't but each time he found that his eyes were not wrong, as the time passed Ezra's breathing was becoming more difficult. He didn't tell the others as they were worried enough as it was, there was still a chance that Ezra would get better, he seemed to before but then for some reason he got worse again. Nathan started to think of any reason why this was happening.

Chris stood by the bed, he couldn't take his eyes off Ezra's deathly white features, he was going to die he knew it, he could tell by the way he was breathing and by Nathan's body language. As the time passed Nathan's shoulders slumped even more and his head hung lower. "Nathan is there nothing you can do?"

"No." Nathan's head was now resting against his own chest, he wouldn't look at any of them. "I've failed him Chris, I can't do anything to help him."

"You did what you could Nathan." Josiah told him, he didn't want to admit that Ezra's breathing was becoming more laboured, if he didn't improve he wasn't going to be able to breath at all.

"I haven't done anything Josiah, he's dying because I can't help him."

"Ezra's not dying!" JD stood up and came over to the bed. "He can't die, you have to do something Nathan."

Nathan looked up at him. "If you can tell what's wrong with him then maybe I can help him!"

"You don't think it's that poison again do you?" Buck suggested.

Everyone's face lit up with hope but soon turned to despair once again. "No, that went out of his system a long time ago, it wouldn't be effecting him now."

"Then what the hell is wrong with him!" JD yelled at him. "Why can't you help him!"

"Take it easy JD." Chris told him.

"How can I take it easy, your all standing there like it doesn't bother you that Nathan thinks that Ezra is dying." He shoved Chris's arm away from his shoulder. "Why won't he help him?"

"JD! Nathan is doing what he can, it's not his fault." Chris growled at him.

It took JD a moment to take in what Chris had said. "I'm sorry Nathan." He hung his head in shame, he couldn't believe what he had just said to him but Nathan didn't answer him.

They all looked back down at Ezra and watched as he took in another ragged breath and then let it out. They waited for him to take in another breath but he didn't, he was no longer able to breath.

Ezra was in complete darkness, he couldn't feel anything or hear anything, the emotions and the memory were not with him, there was absolutely nothing. His body was with him though and he remembered the last time that this happened, Nathan had told him that they nearly lost him. He was dying. Why wasn't his friends helping him, where were they. Ezra began to feel scared, he couldn't die now, not when he just found a new family that did care about him, he couldn't do this to them. He was beginning to find it harder to breath, he wanted to cry out but couldn't get enough air into his lungs to do it. He thought that each breath he took would be his last and then it happened, he felt the last of the air leave his lungs.

Ezra waited for the next breath to come but it didn't, he struggled to get his lungs working but they wouldn't, he then felt something hit his chest hard, he didn't feel any pain. Things were becoming even darker and he couldn't think anymore, everything was leaving him, then everything was gone, there was nothing, no thoughts, just darkness and silence. Something hit him again but Ezra didn't know as he was no longer there, then a third time, a fourth time and suddenly the air rushed into Ezra's deprived lungs.

Nathan pulled the pillow out from under Ezra allowing his head to fall onto the mattress, he tore the bed cover off his chest, Ezra's arms fell limply to his sides. Nathan then straightened Ezra's head so he was looking down into the face of death. The room jumped when Nathan's fist slammed against Ezra's chest and then flinched when he hit him a second time. "Breath damn it Ezra!" Nathan yelled into the slack face.

They held their own breaths as they realised what Nathan was doing. His fist slammed against Ezra's chest a third time. "Ezra breath! Ezra!" Nathan continued to yell at him hoping his voice alone would get Ezra to take the life saving breath that he required. He put more force behind his body as he brought his fist down against Ezra's chest for a fourth time and they watched as Ezra gulped in the air that his lungs so desperately needed to keep him alive. As he kept gasping for breath Nathan leant down close to him and used his hand to stroke Ezra's face.

"Breath normally Ezra, try to calm down and breath normally." He contined to stroke Ezra's face as he talked to him. "Your okay now Ezra, just take it easy." It was another five minutes until his breathing steadied, it was still laboured but at least he was breathing. Nathan kept his hand on Ezra's rising chest, he looked up at Chris and smiled.

Chris smiled back at Nathan. "How are you going to explain the bruise that he's going to get?" He didn't know what else to say, Ezra had just died and Nathan brought him back.

Nathan looked back down at Ezra's chest and lifted his hand, he saw the growing red mark caused by his fist hitting him, it was going to turn into a nasty bruise. "I'm not, you are." Nathan's voice was shaking with the emotions that he was feeling. "He actually died Chris, Ezra died." He couldn't believe what just happened, he wouldn't take his hand away from Ezra's chest, he needed the reassurance that he was breathing again and was going to continue to do so.

"Damn Nathan. What did you just do?" Buck asked.

"I got him breathing again, he died Buck." Nathan had surprised himself, he also couldn't stop repeating what he said. "He died." He laughed lightly at this to try and relieve some of the tension that he was feeling, Chris and Buck joined him. Vin and Josiah were still looking at Ezra with shocked expressions on their faces.

"How can you joke about this!" JD couldn't understand it. "You just said it yourself Nathan, Ezra died!" He looked around at the shocked faces and then back down at Ezra.

"Yes he nearly did, he stopped breathing but he's back now." Buck ran a hand through his hair in frustration, he now knew how Ezra felt when he thought that he was killed by Horrow's son. He walked around the bed and stood in front of JD and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. They burst out laughing at the tears that they saw in each others eyes, and they allowed the tears of relief to flow freely, the other men subconsciously wiped their faces, suprised to find their cheeks wet with their own tears

Nathan turned back to Ezra and placed his hand back on his face, he had nearly died himself when Ezra didn't take another breath, he had hesitated and thought that it would cost Ezra his life, but he reacted quicker than he realised. He felt the slight movements beneath his hand that indicated that Ezra was returning to them, he was regaining consciousness. Nathan's tear fell onto Ezra's cheek and he used his gentle touch to wipe it away.

Ezra started to feel the pain in his chest as his lungs began to fill with air, he could hear Nathan talking to him and he tried to do as he was told, but he panicked, he was terrified that he would stop breathing again so he tried to take in as much air as he could but after a few minutes he realised that he wasn't going to stop again and calmed his breathing down. He then began to hear other voices and then laughter. All his senses were coming back, he could feel everything now, he could feel his lungs still struggling to take in each breath and now for some reason it hurt to breath.

He tried to say something but all that came out was another breath. He gave himself another couple of minutes before he tried again. This time his head moved and as it did he finally felt the hand that was on it. He groaned thinking that the owner of the hand would think he was moving away from them but they must have understood as the hand stayed against his face as he moved. He was grateful for the touch as it meant that they were there with him like he wanted them to be, he wasn't alone, he didn't die alone, his friends hadn't left him. 'Died', the thought echoed in his mind.

Ezra's groan broke through the now silent room and it was the best thing that they had heard in a long time. Nathan still had his hand against Ezra's face when his head rolled to the side and he made sure that his hand stayed against his warm face, he hoped that his touch gave him some sort of comfort and that he wasn't try to move away from the concern. "When your ready Ezra, don't force yourself to wake up." Nathan ran his hand across Ezra's forehead, feeling the fever that was building back up again, he continued to use his hand to wipe Ezra's face, he had to make sure that Ezra knew he was there with him, that he wasn't alone.

Nathan watched as Ezra took in a quick intake of breath and then his eyes opened, they were unseeing for a few minutes but then he began to focus on those around him.

"Why is everyone crying . . . I thought that was . . . my area." Ezra gasped as he still struggled to get air into his lungs.

Nathan leaned into Ezra's line of vision, his hand feeling Ezra's slack features change into a frown. "Because you just died Ezra but we managed to get you back." Ezra didn't seem to be listening though, he didn't react to what Nathan had just told him..

"You did it Nathan." Josiah patted him on the back and then smiled down at Ezra.

"Why does . . . my chest . . . hurt like hell." Ezra was still finding it hard to breath.

"Stop talking Ezra, just keep breathing, that's all I want you to do right now." Nathan ordered him.

Ezra nodded and closed his eyes as he drifted off into a troubled sleep. Ezra's memory continued to haunt his tormented mind and the need to shut everyone out was trying to get it's strength back, the fact that he had died changed nothing but it did add something else to the darkness of his memory, the fear that it would bring his last breath.

His friends continued to watch him and talk to him hoping that they would be able to calm him down with their voices and words, but nothing was helping him. They listed to his mutterings as he tossed and turned in the bed and their hearts went out to him. They had tried to wipe the sweat from his face but he constantly tore his head away from them. They wanted do anything they could to stop them but they couldn't, they even asked Nathan to wake him up but he wouldn't, the reason given was that Ezra needed the rest, he wouldn't get better if they kept him awake all the time.

Nathan had covered Ezra's chest back up so he didn't have to look at the forming bruise that he caused him but Ezra kept trying to push the blanket off his fevered body. Nathan didn't move from the bed as he continued to watch Ezra breath hoping for any sign that it was becoming easier for him, he also watched as the other men took turns sitting on the other side of the bed and try to calm the gambler down but they couldn't help him. They weren't able to penatrate his dreams. He had refused their requests to wake Ezra, he didn't want to see him go through this but it would only be a waste of time waking Ezra up, the others didn't seem to realise that he would only fall asleep again and the dreams would continue.

It had been another long two hours before Nathan noticed an improvement in Ezra's breathing, it wasn't long after that that Ezra woke again. He was torn from his sleep by a scream that escaped his throat. Nathan took his shaking shoulders and eased him back down onto his bed. Chris was taking his turn on the other side of the bed and he placed his hand against Ezra's forehead.

"Make them go away, please." They could all hear the pleading in Ezra's voice.

"Well do our best to help you Ezra." Nathan told him. Ezra opened his eyes as the voice broke into his clouded mind.

"Nathan, Chris?" He looked from one to the other.

"Yeah it's us." Chris assured him. He wiped the sweat soaked hair away from Ezra's forehead and continued to do it once the hair stopped falling back down. Ezra needed them all now and most of all he needed to see their concern, it was something that was going to help him get through it.

"Ezra I want you to drink some of this before you go back to sleep." Nathan had taken a cup off the small table that was next to his bed.

"No." Ezra frowned at Nathan and moved away from the cup and Chris's hand.

"It's for your fever Ezra." Nathan explained to him.

"No." Ezra repeated. "You put something in that stuff to make me sleep." Ezra remembered how he seemed to feel worse each time he drank what Nathan gave him.

It was Nathan's turn to frown. "No I didn't Ezra, it's just for your fever, nothing else."

"It makes me feel sick Nathan." Ezra tried to roll onto his side and turn his back to Nathan but Chris pushed his weak body back over.

"Ezra will you just do as your told." Chris growled at him, he didn't want to get angry at him, not after what had happened but he needed to drink what Nathan had made for him or he wasn't going to get better.

Nathan brought the cup up to his own nose and took a deep breath, he frowned and the took a mouthfull of the mixture and then spat it back into the cup. "Oh no." He groaned.

"I told you it tasted terrible didn't I." Ezra told him.

"What's wrong Nathan?" Josiah asked as he saw the shock replace the determination that had been ready to force Ezra to drink what was in the cup.

"It was me, I killed him." Nathan looked from the cup to Ezra and saw the confused expression on the gambler's face before his eyelids fluttered closed as he fell back to sleep.

"What are you talking about Nathan?" Chris was becoming frustrated at Nathan's lack of a real explanation as to what he was talking about.

"There's got to be something wrong with the herbs, this must be what's been making Ezra so ill, I nearky killed him by making him drink it." Nathan confessed. "And if I forced him to drink this one I wouldn't have been able to keep him alive." Nathan shook is head in disgust. "How could I have been so stupid!"

Buck quickly took the cup from Nathan's shaking hands, he could see the shock that was on the healer's face, he had heard what he said about the herbs but found it hard to believe. Buck looked down into Ezra's face, if hadn't refused to drink the liquid he would have died again and Nathan would not have been able to help him. He suddenly felt sick to the stomach.

Nathan couldn't stop shaking at the realisation of what he had done to his friend, when Ezra needed him the most he had almost killed him. "How could I not have known." It all began to make sense to him now. "Ezra always got worse after he drank this." He looked over at Chris. "Outside on the porch, he came up to his room after and his fever went up, he lost consciousness, and then while he was up here, his fever got worse again." He watched as the understanding filled the room. "And then this morning after he drunk it, he got sicker, I made that one stronger than the others." Nathan rubbed his eyes. "I killed him Chris."

"But you also saved him Nathan, it wasn't your fault." Chris rubbed Nathan's shoulder. "You found out in time."

"Only because Ezra was his usual stubborn self, if he hadn't refused to drink it he would . . . " He got off the bed and stormed out of the room. Josiah took one look at Ezra to reassure himself that he was okay and left to go after Nathan.

"There are a lot of emotions flying around this room at the moment." Buck commented trying to take his mind off the neauseas feeling that was still in his stomach.

Mary looked up from the table that she and Sarah were still sitting at, they hadn't left since the other men had ran up to Ezra's room that morning. She saw Nathan coming down the stairs, his body shaking and a shocked expression on his face. Mary's eyes instantly filled with tears, she got up and stepped in front of Nathan blocking his exit from the saloon.

"Nathan is Ezra . . .?"

Nathan looked up into Mary's eyes and realised what he must have made her think, he took control of himself. "No Mary, Ezra's fine." He made to move away.

"Then what's wrong? Somethings wrong, I can tell." Sarah got up and joined Mary as she questioned Nathan.

"Nathan." He turned as he heard Josiah's voice behind him. "Why don't we sit down and explain to the ladies what happened."

They moved as one back to the table and sat down. Nathan took a deep breath and then told Mary and Sarah about the herbs and how they had caused Ezra to become so ill, that they had actually stopped him breathing. They were shocked at what they heard but kept their silence until Nathan had finished.

"Ezra did die then?" Mary couldn't stop the tears from falling at the thought of the man whom she'd come to respect so much, had come so close to death again. "It's not your fault Nathan." She could see the guilt that was on his face.

"I keep trying to tell myself that but I should have known, I should have done more for him."

"Nathan, it's done now, your not going to do Ezra any good if you allow your guilt to stop you from taking care of him. He needs all of us Nathan, especially you." Josiah's voice took on a more forceful tone. "I want you to go back up there and take care of him, we can deal with what you are going through later."

"Josiah!" Mary was shocked that he would not show Nathan any compassion.

"I'm sorry Mary, but what Ezra is going through at the moment is a lot worse than Nathan's selfpity. Ezra died, yes, but Nathan got him breathing again." He turned back to match Nathan's stare. "That's what you should be concentrating on Nathan, not that he died but the fact that you saved his life."

"He's right Mary, Ezra is going through Hell and all I can do is sit down here feeling sorry for myself." Nathan slowly got up but felt Mary's hand on his arm.

"I don't think Ezra would mind if you took care of yourself for a few minutes Nathan." She smiled up at him.

"Thanks Mary." Nathan walked away and back up to Ezra's room.

"Speaking of looking after ourselve's, we didn't eat much this morning and now that Ezra is getting better . . ." Josiah started but was interrupted.

"Say no more Josiah, food is on the way. Come on Mary." Sarah dragged her up from her chair knowing that they were both grateful to finally have something that they could do for the group of men who had become so close over the last ten months.

Josiah smiled as he watched the two women leave, he was also grateful but for different reasons, he was grateful that Ezra finally had people in his life that cared deeply for him. He was going to have to make sure that Ezra was aware of this when he was better both physically and emotionally. He made his own way back to Ezra's room.

'Kill me, did Nathan say kill me.' This thought was so strong that it had pushed all of the other thoughts and emotions to the back of his mind, where they gathered their strength for the final battle of who was going to control the now fragile mind. For a moment Ezra actually thought they were trying to kill him again but then he remembered the concern that they were showing him through the gentle touch of their hands on his face, he also realised that he had been wrong the first as the fever that he had, had controlled his mind. He had been angry at them for forgetting him but he had also felt the fear of dying alone which he now related to the memory that had recently returned to torment him. What had happened wasn't their fault and he had accepted that.

The other memories and emotions began to find there way back to the forefront of his mind where the battle begin to rage again. Ezra stopped fighting them, he couldn't do it anymore, he gave up and let them try and gain control over each other, he just hoped that when the battle was over the part of him that wanted to changed had won. He just didn't care anymore, he was to tired to fight them.

Ezra grimaced as a light penetrated his thoughts and drove them away for a moment, he rolled over onto his side and opened his eyes to find out what was causing the intrusion. He blinked until his eyes adjusted to the brightness and then saw that someone had lit another lamp.

"Could someone please turn . . . that down." Ezra moaned, it was also causing his head to hurt more, the struggle had come to a climax.

The light was blocked out by Nathan's form. "How are you feeling Ezra?"

Ezra just scowled at him, he couldn't fight what his natural instinct wanted to do anymore, he rolled back over away from Nathan. He closed his eyes again but opened them when he heard another voice.

"Ezra?" Chris bent down next to the bed and looked into Ezra's face, he also put his hand on his forehead only to have Ezra weakly pull it away. Chris put his hand back.

"Please don't do that Mr Larabee!" Ezra had begun to feel the headache ease as the need to push them away finally won the long struggle that had been raging in his mind.

Chris removed his hand and watched as Ezra closed his eyes again, he couldn't hide the dissapointment that he felt when Ezra had used his last name. When he knew that he was asleep again he put his hand back on Ezra's head. "You won this one Ezra but not the next one, were going to get rid of those habits for you."

"And how are we going to do that Chris?" Vin asked him, they all heard what Ezra had said.

"I'm sure Josiah will think of something." Chris looked up at him thinking that he would see nothing but confusion but instead he saw a smile.

"I have an idea." Josiah shrugged at Chris, he knew that there was only one real way to get Ezra to change and accept their concern but it would have to wait until he was stronger, he needed to Ezra to fight and he couldn't do that why he was still weak.

Ezra's mind was at peace now that his old habits had won the fight and his sleep was no longer tormented by the dreams as the memory had been pushed to a corner of his mind and another wall was built around it. It was this peaceful sleep that worried the men who watched him as he rolled over onto his side and push himself further into his pillow. They had wanted his dreams to end but not like this, they wanted him to deal with them not push them away again as he had done. He was also going to push his friends away, they knew this by the use of Chris's last name. They were back where they started, they just hoped that what Josiah had planned would work.

Nathan got up from the bed. "Now that Ezra's better and sleeping peacefully, perhaps we should get some rest." He suggested. "I can't even remember the last time any of us slept."

"And if we all leave, who's going to stay with Ezra?" Buck wanted to know. "We can't leave him on his own."

"I'll stay with him if that's okay." They all turned around as they heard Sarah's voice, they didn't hear her come into the room. Mary was also with her and they both carried trays of food. "Why don't you take this food downstairs, have something to eat and then go and get some sleep. I'll stay with Ezra until one of you come back."

"I don't think that would be a good idea, Ezra will probably be in a bad mood when he wakes up, it might be better if he was on his own." Nathan told her.

"If I could handle him while he was in that cellar then I can handle him if he wakes up." Sarah insisted. They all winced at the mention of the cellar as they rememberd what it meant to Ezra.

"Let her stay Nathan, Sarah will be fine, Ezra won't take it out on her, he'll be angry at us not Sarah." Josiah assured him.

Chris agreed with him, he nodded at the others and they began to leave the room, Buck and Vin took the trays of food. Mary followed them out, leaving only Josiah and Chris with Sarah.

"If he wakes up, let him do whatever he wants." Josiah told Sarah and she nodded in understanding. "If he wants you to leave, then go, if he wants to leave this room, let him, if he doesn't want to talk then don't force him and most important, don't touch him."

"This part of your plan Josiah?" Chris asked him.

"Something like that Chris, if we push him like we did before, this wall that he has rebuilt is just going to get stronger and we might not be able to break through it again, I don't want to give him any reason to make it stronger, I want that wall to be weak when I talk to him."

"Are you going to tell us what your plan is?" Chris wasn't sure if it was a good idea to let Ezra do what he wanted, he thought that it would give him the chance to push them away but he decided to allow Josiah to do this because he was the one that finally got Ezra to let out his emotions.

"Not yet, I have to think it through first as I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, I don't know if it will make him break or push him further away from us."

"Anything is worth a try at the moment Josiah." Chris looked down at Ezra and then left the room, he wasn't really hungry but he was tired and he was going to welcome the much needed sleep as would the others.

"Sarah?" Josiah spoke quietly. "You do understand what I want you to do?"

"Yes I do Josiah." She smiled at him and then went to the chair in the corner of the room and sat down. "Don't worry, if he wakes up I'll let him do what he wants."

Sarah watched as Josiah closed the door behind him as he left the room, her eyes then turned to Ezra who was facing her, the right side his face dissapeared into the pillow and the left side was slack as he slept peacefully. She held her breath while he rolled further onto his stomach and saw the grimace that appeared on the part of his face that wasn't hidden, Sarah thought that he may have been dreaming, she didn't realise that it was caused by the pain of his bruised chest pressing into the mattress, he rolled back over again away from the pain and the blanket pulled away from his shoulder, she saw the massive bruise that had started to form in the middle of his chest.

Sarah wanted to go over to the bed and pull the blanket back over his shoulder so he wouldn't get cold but she held back because she knew that if he woke while she was doing it, he might get angry and that was the last thing that Josiah wanted to happen, so she stayed where she was and continued to watch him. Ezra changed his sleeping position occasionally but apart from that there were no signs to show that he was dreaming or that he was going to wake up.

Four hours later Chris quietly walked into the room to find that Ezra was still asleep. He smiled at Sarah and then went and sat on the bed. He couldn't believe how peaceful Ezra looked, his calm expression gave the observer no indication of what had been going on in his mind for the last couple of days or even the few weeks that he had spent trying to deal with the memory of his Uncle and Aunt. His face showed no sign but his body spoke volumes, the scars stood out against the paleness of his skin, the bruise on his chest was already spreading and he had begun to loose weight again

"He been asleep all this time?" Chris asked Sarah.

"Yes." Sarah was looking at Ezra. "Were you?" Her eyes lifted up towards Chris's face.

"Not really, I couldn't get to sleep." He admitted to her.

"Did you eat anything?"

"Not much."

"I suppose everyone else will be walking in here shortly as well." Sarah hadn't realised that these men were so close, they seemed to treat each other like they were a family.

"There already downstairs, we thought that it would be best if we came up one at a time." He smiled, he had wanted to sleep but as soon as his head was on the pillow all thought of sleep left his mind and all he could think of was Ezra, he had tried to get to sleep but gave up after an hour and then went back to the saloon, it wasn't long after that the others had also begun to come back.

Chris's thoughts were disrupted by Ezra's quick intake of breath, he looked down at the gambler and watched as he rolled onto his back and open his eyes, they held none of the emotion that had been evident over the last three weeks, the old Ezra was definitely back. He began to sit up and let out a small gasp as he felt the pain in his chest, he looked down and saw the bruise.

"What did that?" Ezra croaked.

"Sarah could you get Ezra some water please." Chris asked her.

Ezra looked over his shoulder, wincing at the pain that still came from his chest. He smiled his thanks as she handed him the cup.

"There isn't any of Nathan's herbs in this is there?" He asked her.

"Just water Ezra." She waited for him to drink it and then took the empty cup back.

Ezra felt the cool liquid run down his dry throat and then felt the quiziness that settled over his stomach, it didn't help his mood, he laid back for a moment and waited for it to pass and as he did so he also realised that his mind was at peace, the memory and emotions were no longer trying to destroy him. "Are you going to answer my question Chris." Ezra looked up at him and waited.

"You stopped breathing Ezra."

Ezra's eyes widened in shock. "I what?"

"You stopped breathing." Chris repeated. "Nathan had to get you to start again and he did it by hitting your chest with his fist."

"He must have hit me pretty hard." Ezra used his fingers to touch the bruise, he felt the fear come back to him as he remembered not being able to breath, he pushed the fear away.

"Four times, he had to hit you four times before you took in a breath. We were all scared there for a minute, we didn't think you were going to come back."

Ezra also remembered something else. "It was the herbs that Nathan made me drink."

"Yeah, and Nathan feels very guilty about it."

"Why? It's not like he put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger." Ezra pulled himself up and leaned heavily against the bed board.

Chris wanted to help him, he was also curious about how Ezra would react to the help and even though he had agreed to Josiah's decision not to show Ezra the concern that they had been showing him, he decided to find out what that reaction would be. Chris lifted his hand to feel Ezra's forehead for the fever that was no longer there but Ezra's cold stare stopped him.

"Don't touch me Mr Larabee." Ezra growled at him.

The reaction was what Chris expected but hoped not to see, the simple statement telling him that Ezra's anger was back, the anger that he used to push people away from him. Chris inwardly groaned at the thought of what Josiah was going to have put Ezra through to get the emotions to come back so he could deal with them.

Ezra did not even regret the fact that he had gone back to his old ways, it was like an old friend had come back, a friend who had always taken care of him and helped him deal with his problems, a friend that hadn't let anyone else get close to him. He welcomed the anger that began to build within him, he needed it to push them away, he wanted to push them away, he wasn't going to go through what he went through when they had tried to help him, if you could call it help. He had seen Chris's hand come towards him and he instantly felt the fear that he thought he had succeeded in pushing away but his anger quickly took control of the fear. He saw the sadness in Chris's eyes but he didn't care, at that moment he preferred to see it in his eyes rather than feel it in his own mind.

"You want something to eat Ezra?" Chris asked him as he tried to cope with the fact that the Ezra who had wanted to change had been pulled from their grasp, he just hoped that he was still in there somewhere.

"No." Was the clipped reply.

"You want us to leave?" Chris waited as Ezra hesitated for a moment.

"Yes." Ezra didn't really want to be left alone, he knew why but wouldn't allow the memory to return to haunt him all over again.

"You know where we are if you need us Ezra." Chris told him before he got up and followed Sarah out of the room.

Ezra watched as the door was closed and he looked around the now empty room, a sudden feeling of loneliness filled his mind and he fought to push it away, he realised he hadn't been so successful in blocking everything out again like he thought he had.

Chris walked down the stairs into the saloon that was now full with the evening crowd. He made his way to the table with Sarah following him and sat down without saying a word, his expression told the men everything.

"He's back to his old self isn't he." JD said quietly knowing that he didn't need an answer to confirm what he and the others were thinking.

"If your going to do something Josiah, you better do it quick or we won't get him back." Chris looked at Josiah and allowed him to see what he was feeling, he felt crushed, after everything that Ezra had been through, it had all been for nothing.

"There's no time like the present." Josiah commented as he got up. "Chris, Buck, you mind giving me a hand, I might need you to hold him down." He didn't miss the looks that passed between his friends.

Ezra had managed to get out of his bed after more than one attempt, he had only fallen once when he tried to pull on his trousers, he sat on the bed when he had finally gotten back up off the floor, he was still sitting on the bed doing the buttons of his shirt up when he heard the door to his room open, he looked up to see three of his associates enter and head straight for him.

"What do you think your doing Ezra?" Josiah growled at him.

Ezra sighed and opend his arms. "I know you are not blind Josiah, as you can plainly see I am getting dressed."

"That's not a good idea after what you have been through." Josiah looked down at Ezra and then nodded at Chris and Buck. Together they grabbed Ezra by the arms and legs and put him back on the bed. Chris and Buck then stepped back to watch and wait quietly in case Josiah needed them again.

Ezra knew instantly what they were going to do but his struggles were to weak to stop them, he felt his body being lifted and forced back onto the bed, he tried to get up again but a strong hand pressed against his chest and pushed him back down. He gasped as the pain tore through him.

"Don't even think of getting up Ezra, were going to have a little talk and neither of us are leaving until were done." Josiah didn't flinch at the angry glare that Ezra gave him. "Do you understand me?"

"I have no intention of talking to you." Ezra spat at him as he pulled himself up into a sitting position, he winced as Josiah pushed him back against the head board.

"You don't have a choice, were going to deal with this once and for all Ezra, your not going to push it all away again, we are not going to let you. Do you hear me!" Josiah was letting Ezra see his anger.

"I tried it your way, it didn't work!"

"You didn't give it enough time Ezra." Josiah calmed his voice down.

"And how much time am I supposed to give it, the feelings hurt to much Josiah, I couldn't take the pain anymore."

Josiah sat down on the bed and saw Ezra flinch away from him. "I want those emotions back Ezra, I want you to remember what your Uncle did to you, that way we can start dealing with it."

"What do you mean we? It's my memory, my emotions, your not feeling what I am, I'm not going through that again." Ezra growled at him. "I can't go through that again."

"But you need to go through it again Ezra." Josiah tried to put his hand on his shoulder but Ezra pushed his arm away.

"What I need is for you to stop hurting me!"

"It was your Uncle who hurt you Ezra, not me." Josiah said quietly.

"These emotions that you are making me feel are hurting me as much as he did." Ezra threw back at him.

"That's because you won't accept them Ezra." Josiah tried to explain to him.

"I did accept them, but it didn't help, it just seemed to make me want to push everything away even more, I tried to fight it but I couldn't." Ezra looked up into Josiah's eyes. "Why does it hurt so much?"

"There like opened wounds Ezra, they are going to hurt you, it's going to take time for them to close and heal, you have to give them that time."

"They were healed Josiah but all of you brought it back again, I feel like it's never going to stop hurting." Ezra looked down at his hands but he saw Josiah's hand coming towards him again and he pushed him away.

"I'm sorry Ezra but if we didn't do it then someting else would have." He moved closer to Ezra intending to do what he had planned all along. "There's nothing I can do to help the pain unless you let me in."

Ezra leaned back and closed his eyes against the memory as it broke down his wall of protection and flooded back into his mind, it also allowed the emotions to come back. "Why do you keep doing this to me Josiah? I had them shut away." He drew his knees up to his chest and allowed his head to fall on them. "God it hurts to much." He felt an arm on his shoulder. "Get off me!" He violently pushed Josiah away.

"Tell me what your feeling Ezra." Josiah again spoke quietly.

"I feel scared, I feel angry and I feel as though my body is being crushed." He didn't lift his head. "I hate them for what they did and I hate myself for allowing them to do it."

"It wasn't your fault Ezra, you were twelve years old, what could you have done to stop him from putting you in the cellar?"

"I could have kept my mouth shut for one thing."

Josiah smiled as he moved even closer. "Your mouth does get you into trouble doesn't it."

"I shouldn't have spilt the milk."

"The first thing that you need to do Ezra is to stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault Ezra."

"Try telling them that, all I heard was them telling me that it wouldn't have happened if I had kept my mouth shut, it was always my fault that he beat me, no one else's."

"Did anyone else that you stayed with beat you like he did?"

"There were others but they weren't as bad as Uncle Jack was."

"You had more than one relative that beat you." Josiah had remembered Ezra saying something about being hit by others but not beaten.

"I had a wonderful childhood, a mother who never wanted me, relatives that didn't want to look after me so they took their anger out on me. There were some that I actually had a good time with but there wasn't enough of them. There were more bad times than good, I got away from my mother as soon as I was able to." Ezra's head was still against his knees. "She always managed to find me though." He looked up into Josiah's eyes. "What did I do that made them hate me so much?"

"You didn't do anything Ezra. None of it was your fault. Maude put you with the wrong people."

"She told me before she left that she had paid them to look after me."

"I'm sorry Ezra."

"What for Josiah, you didn't do anything."

"Neither did you Ezra." He watched as he allowed his head to fall back onto his knees. "Do you believe that Ezra?"

"If it wasn't my fault then who's was it.?"

"It was the fault of the people who beat you, the families that caused you all this pain, you didn't do anything." Ezra shook his head in denial. "Ezra if you walked out of this room and beat the first child who bumped into you, would it be the child's fault that you hit him?" The shocked expression that Ezra gave him told him what he wanted to hear.

"Of course not and I would never hit a child." Ezra told him.

"Then why was it your fault that your Uncle hit you? Do you understand what I am trying to tell you? You were twelve Ezra, you were not to blame."

"It wasn't my fault?"

"No it wasn't." Josiah again tried to show Ezra comfort by using his touch but he again refused it. "Are you ready to allow these wounds to heal?"

Ezra nodded as he finally understood that what had happened wasn't his fault, he felt the anger and shame that he held towards himself flow from his mind, he didn't have to shut that away anymore as it was no longer there. He still felt a lot of anger and fear though.

"Good, now before we talk about it some more I want you to deal with something or else we won't be able to get through these other feelings that are hurting you."

Ezra looked back at him. "What?"

"We found out that you didn't like to be touched because you thought that we were showing you pity," Ezra frowned at him, "we also know it's because your Aunt caused you pain when she took care of your injuries but for some reason you are still refusing it, there's a reason for it and I want to know what it is Ezra." He placed his hand against Ezra's forehead while he was distracted with what he had just told him. "Why don't you like it when we do this Ezra?"

Chris and Buck fought to keep themselves away from Ezra, they could see what Josiah was trying to do and knew that he would need them, they eached hoped that what he was going to do wouldn't cause Ezra any injuries, they wouldn't be able to cope with the guilt if they hurt him. They listened to what Ezra had told Josiah and how much easier it was to get him to talk than it had been the last time, Josiah hadn't given Ezra enough time to strengthen the wall that he had built around himself and it had broken easily. They moved to the bed quickly as Ezra tried to get his head away from Josiah, they took an arm each and pulled them down beside him.

"What are you doing?" Ezra growled at them.

"Tell me why you don't like it Ezra." Josiah repeated.

"You know why, you just said so yourself." Ezra tried to pull his head away but Josiah just pressed harder and Ezra could feel the pain as his head was forced back against the headboard, he blinked as another memory tried to resurface.

"What is it Ezra?" Josiah could see the blank expression on his face but it was quickly gone.

"Josiah, take your hand off my head, please."

"Not until you tell me what your remembering." Josiah warned him.

"It's because of the pity and what my Aunt did." He stop struggling as he remembered the pain that it had caused him each time he tried to turn his head away from her.

"It's more than that Ezra, I can see it in your eyes. What is it?"

Ezra began to struggle against the memory and without realising it Josiah pushed harder. The pain tore through the back of his head as Ezra felt his Aunt's hand push his head further into the thin mattress and against the hard wood that was beneath it, he felt the stitches that she had put in tear their way out of the wound that his Uncle had caused.

"Josiah please!" Ezra cried out, he heard her words of anger as she slapped his face for bleeding onto the pillow again, she was angry because she now had to restitch the wound and she was going to cause him more pain when she did it. She'd had better things to do than to look after this sniffling brat. She took hold of his hand and pressed her long nails into his flesh until the blood began to flow.

"Josiah." Ezra sobbed as she roughly turned him onto his stomach not caring about the pain that tore through his side or ankle, he felt the pain worsen as she pulled hard with each stitch and when she had finished she rolled him back over and placed her hand back on his head dearing him to move.

Ezra stopped struggling to get away, he kept his head still. "I won't move, I promise, just take your hand away, it hurts, please, it hurts so much." But she didn't listen, she pressed harder again and Ezra screamed when the fresh stitches broke a second time. The scream ended abruptly when the hand slapped him.

"Ezra?" Josiah took his hand away but Ezra hadn't moved, he seemed to be in some sort of shock. "Ezra!" He slapped him and watched as Ezra blinked away the tears.

"Why did you do that to me?" Ezra yelled at him and tried to push him away. "What did I do? Why did you hurt me so much? I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything." Ezra began to cry. "I didn't do anything."

Buck and Chris let go of Ezra's arms while Josiah took them and turned Ezra towards him. "What did they do Ezra?"

"She kept pushing . . . my head into the . . . wood and my . . . stitches broke, she had to . . . restitch them . . . but then she did it all . . . over again. Why? What . . . did I do?" He couldn't stop the tears that fell. "Why Josiah? Tell me!"

Josiah threw his arms around him and pulled him to his chest, like he had done in the saloon a week ago, he held Ezra close and placing his hand against his head, he pulled Ezra into his shoulder, trying to give him the comfort he needed to get him through the pain that he was feeling, he could feel Ezra's body shake within his hold. Ezra flinched in Josiah's arms when he heard Chris swear and slam his fist against the wall.

"Three times . . . she did it, she would break the stitches . . . and then redo them . . . three times." The tears wouldn't stop. "It . . . was just like . . . when I asked him . . . to leave me . . . alone . . . all I did was . . . move . . . my head away . . . she had . . . pressed . . . her nails into . . . my . . . forehead."

Josiah began to rock Ezra back and forth. "She can't hurt you anymore Ezra, neither of them can."

"But it . . . hurts . . . now."

"I know Ezra, I'm sorry. I'll help you get through it, I won't let you deal with it alone."

"Why did they . . . do it . . . Josiah?"

"I can't give you an answer Ezra, I'm sorry but there is nothing that I could say that would answer your question." Josiah began to stroke his head as he rocked him back and forth as the tears continued to flow from Ezra. He looked up at Chris and Buck and saw the anger and hatred in their own eyes.

"Did she do anything else to you Ezra?"

"Just the same . . . sort of thing, they . . . always wanted to hurt me . . . for some reason." Ezra became quite for a moment and Josiah had thought that he had fallen asleep, he went to push Ezra away so he could lie him down on the bed but he felt Ezra's hands grab him as he pulled himself back against Josiah's chest, Ezra didn't want to let go. "Don't let me go, please Josiah." He heard Ezra's deep sigh. "I want to feel something that doesn't hurt."

Buck couldn't take anymore, he went towards the bed and sat down, he wrapped his arms around Ezra and Josiah. "Were here for you Ezra." Buck stayed that way for a few minutes before letting go and leaving the room. Chris could do nothing but stand and watch as Ezra fell asleep in Josiah's arms. Once Josiah realised that Ezra was sleeping he tried to lie him down again but even in his sleep Ezra held on tight.

"Looks like your going to be stuck like that for a while Josiah." Chris tried to smile but he was feeling to much anger about what Ezra had gone through during the six months that he had spent with his Uncle and Aunt.

Buck shakily made his way down the stairs, he ignored the looks that his tears brought from the regulars that he passed on his way to the table that his friends were sitting at. He sat down heavily in the chair and with a still shaking hand he drank the whisky that was placed in front of him.

"Oh God, why would anyone want to do that to a twelve year old boy." He muttered but they all heard him clearly, he then covered his own eyes as the tears flowed for the man who had suffered so much as a child and was still suffering now.

Vin placed his arm around Buck's shaking shoulders and waited patiently until he stopped. He had remembered how bad it had been for Ezra the last time this happened and hoped that it was easier for him to talk to Josiah the second time around. When Buck had gained control of himself he poured him another drink as he knew that he needed it. "How's Ezra doing?"

"Doing?" Buck turned on him as he released his anger on the wrong person. "Ezra was twelve years old, he just spent a month in a cellar and was then nearly beaten to death but she had to cause him more pain, she didn't leave it at that, she put her hand against his forehead and pushed his head down hard enough to break the stitches that were in the back of his head, she then made sure that she caused him plenty of pain when she stitched him back up again. She did same thing two more times!" Buck's shoulders dropped as the anger left him.

"How could someone do that? Ezra was just a boy." He rubbed his face and closed his eyes as Ezra's words repeated in his mind. "He kept asking Josiah what he did wrong as though it was something he did that caused them to hurt him like that. I couldn't take anymore, I had to leave the room." Buck looked around the table but there were no eyes to meet his gaze as everyone was looking down. "I think he's sleeping now." He watched as everyone got up as one and made their way to the stairs. Buck followed them.

Josiah kept rocking Ezra and continued to stroke his head even though he knew he was asleep. Chris had sat down on the bed with them and had placed his own arm over Ezra's shoulder, rubbing his back occasionally. They could both hear the steady rhythm of his breathing as he seemed to be be sleeping peacefully. Neither looked up as they heard the door to Ezra's room quietly open, they kept their eyes on the sleeping form that was held tightly in Josiah's arms.

No one spoke a word as they entered the room and saw the scene that greeted them. Each member of the newly formed family found their own place in the room to wait, Sarah moved to the bed and sat down, she took Ezra's limp hand in hers and held it, using her own thumb to rub the back of his hand.

Ezra took in a quick intake of breath but did not move away from Josiah, he could feel the comforting motion of Josiah rocking him and the hand that stroked his head and back, it was a touch that didn't cause him any pain and for a second time he accepted the touch but this time he swore not to let his Aunt, Uncle or even himself to take it way from him. These people were not going to hurt him like they did. He now had a family that was going take care of him and help him heal his wounds. The thoughts soon left his mind though as he went into a deeper sleep where nothing could reach him, his body and mind needed to begin it's healing process.

Chris and Josiah both noticed as Ezra's breathing became more shallow and looked over at Nathan who quickly came forward. He felt Ezra's pulse and lifted his eyelid and smiled. "He's okay, he's gone into a deeper sleep, you can lie him down now Josiah."

"He doesn't want me to let him go Nathan." Josiah explained to him.

"Don't worry, Ezra isn't going to know, he's going to be asleep for a while."

Josiah carefully lifted Ezra up off the bed and waited while Chris and Sarah pulled the bedcover back, he then laid him down and took his shirt off before making sure that he was comfortable, once the bedcover was pulled back over him Josiah sat down next to Ezra and continued to stroke his face and head. Nathan had said that Ezra wouldn't know that he was there but he wasn't going to let that stop him from being there for Ezra.

As the hours passed each man left to get some much needed sleep, they were only gone for a few hours at a time and then returned to Ezra's room. Each of them also took a turn sitting on the bed with Ezra and used their hands to show how much they cared for the gambler, by either holding his hand or stroking his face, they spoke to him even though they knew he couldn't hear them. If it wasn't for the fact that Nathan had told them that he was sleeping they would have thought that he was dying again as he didn't show any sign of life apart from breathing, his chest continuing to rise and fall.

Sixteen hours passed before Ezra showed any indication that he was going to wake up, Josiah was sitting with him when he rolled over on to his side to face him but he continued to sleep, he wiped away the loose hair that fell onto Ezra's forehead. Josiah was glad to see some sort of movement from Ezra, he knew that he was going to be okay now as he had gotten the worst of it out of his system, he still needed to talk about it though but he was sure that he would.

Josiah turned and leant back on the bedhead, he placed his hand on Ezra's head and rubbed his temple with his thumb, he wanted Ezra to feel a comforting touch when he started to become more aware of what was around him, he then waited patiently for him to wake up on his own, it was another two hours before he did.

Ezra started to hear and feel things, he also felt an overwhelming calmness which was caused by the gentle touch against his forehead, he didn't know which of his friends it was but he did know they weren't going to hurt him so he didn't move away from them. He then remembered what had happened, the memories began to return but they didn't seem to hurt him like they did before, it still caused him to hurt inside but the pain had eased. This was what Josiah meant when he said talking about it would make him feel better.

"Josiah?" His voice was husky due to the dryness of his throat. He felt someone get off the bed but the hand stayed where it was as it continued to stroke his face.

"I'm here Ezra." He looked into the green eyes as they opened and focused on him.

"Thankyou." A tear fell down Ezra's face.

"Your welcome Ezra." Josiah wiped the tear from Ezra's cheek. "You want something to drink."

"Only if it doesn't have any of Nathan's herbs in it, I don't think I need another bruise." Ezra smiled at him but turned to look over his shoulder as he heard someone groan. He saw Nathan leaning against the wall, his head hanging low. "It wasn't your fault Nathan, don't worry about it."

Nathan looked up at him and saw the smile on Ezra's face, it didn't really help him though. He smiled back at him, he didn't have to force it as he was happy to see that Ezra was doing okay.

Ezra carefully drank the water that Josiah gave to him. "I think that I could eat something as well." Ezra informed Nathan.

"Nathan why don't you arrange something for Ezra while we have a talk." Josiah looked down at Ezra and saw him nod in agreement. "We'll be down soon." Nathan was about to protest about Ezra leaving his room but he changed his mind, he left them to talk.

Nathan knew that everyone was still sitting in the saloon waiting for Ezra to wake up, he looked at them as he made his way down the stairs, he wasn't able to keep the smile from his face. When he reached the table he slapped Buck on the back. "Ezra's awake and he's going to be fine, their going to talk for a while and then come down for something to eat." There were smiles from everyone who was at the table.

"I'll go and make him something to eat." Mary told Nathan.

"Just some soup thanks Mary, he hasn't really eaten anything for the last week, it'll take a few days before he'll have a real appettite."

The small group sat at the table for another three hours, the soup had gone cold while waiting for it's host. They looked up when they finally heard noises coming from the balcony. Ezra walked on his own but he knew Josiah was close to him in case he needed him, he held onto the rail as he made his way down the stairs and then slowly walked to the table where his friends were waiting for him, he sat down in the chair that Buck had pulled up for him.

Buck couldn't help himself. "Ezra."

Ezra turned in his chair to look at Buck but before he was able to Buck wrapped both his arms around him and held him tight. "Buck you seem to be proving my point about how embarrassing you can be." Ezra laughed at him, he still didn't return the hug but he knew that it would only be a matter of time before he was able to. Buck finally let him go.

Everyone but Nathan stood up and gave Ezra either a slap on the back or a quick hug, he was suprised by the kiss he recieved from Sarah. He smiled back at them but frowned at Nathan. "Is there something wrong Nathan, your not still feeling guilty are you?"

"I made you sick Ezra, you stopped breathing because of me, I could have killed you." Nathan couldn't get rid of his guilt.

"Excuse me?" Ezra growled at him. Everyone looked at Ezra then Josiah who shrugged at them, he had no idea what was wrong, Ezra was okay a minute ago. "I don't want to hear any of your selfpity Mr Jackson."

"Oh no." Chris groaned, Ezra ignored him.

Ezra stood up, the anger evident on his face. "After everything that I have been through, you sit there and blame yourself for it." He walked around the table to Nathan's chair, Josiah had tried to grab Ezra's arm but he pushed him away. "Stand up Mr Jackson."

"Ezra, what are you doing?" Chris growled at him as he watched Nathan get up from his chair.

"Mr Jackson needs to be taught a lesson." What Ezra did next shocked and surprised all of them, he took Nathan into his arms and hugged him. He quickly pushed him away again though because he wasn't comfortable with it, it was going to take a time like Josiah said. "There is no need to feel guilty Nathan, besides your taking all the attention away from me." Ezra couldn't help but smile at the look on Nathan's face. "I'm going to need some more of this attention so I can get use to it."

"What the hell did you say to him up there." Chris asked Josiah.

"Nothing Chris, Ezra did most of the talking."

Nathan laughed at Ezra and then returned the hug, suprising Ezra as he did so. "Um, a little bit at a time Nathan . . . Nathan?" Ezra looked at Vin over Nathan's shoulder. "Vin, help me out here please."

"You started it Ezra." Vin smiled at him, he didn't realise Ezra was serious.

"Nathan . . . please."

"Sorry Ezra, bit to much at once, huh?" He let go of Ezra and caught the fear that flickered quickly across his face.

Ezra accepted the fear like Josiah had told him to, instead of pushing it away, he smiled and nodded at Nathan. "Yeah, just little bits of attention at a time please, Doctor's orders."

The End

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