A Family Dinner and a Demon on the Side
*****
Anderson looked at his old friend impatiently."Well?"
"Well what?"his friend said as he scanned the place again and checked off the blueprints of the resort again. His blue eyes were calm as he looked at his brother.
"Is everything in place? Is everything ready?"Anderson demanded as he looked at the plans again."It's risky for us, all of us to be coming here. Especially since she is here."
"But think of the rewards that we will gain if we bring her to Him. All that was taken from us will be restored again,"his brother said."And we will get our revenge. And we do it all in His name."
Anderson looked at his brother, unsure, then his face settled in determination. "Yes. In His name. So what entrances of the ballroom do we need to cover?"
*****
Joyce rubbed her eyes as she sighed. She was in no doubt that her husband was a generous, funny and loving man. She was, at time, in awe of his intelligence and bravery. He had helped her daughter save the world from the minions of Hell countless times, and he had faced his own demons through out the years, no matter how hard it had been. But, never had she suspected, not until this very moment, had she ever known how very stupidly male he was. Until now.
Joyce looked at her husband, exasperated."Rupert..."
"I refuse, I absolutely refuse,"Giles said as he turned from the mirror to look at her."And there is nothing that you can say that will change my mind."
"Rupert, you have to,"Joyce started as she approached him."I'm insisting that you wear it..."
Giles glared at his wife."No. I am not wearing those things going to this blasted dinner. What I am wearing is absolutely fine."
Joyce threw up her arms."Rupert, this is a black and tie affair, you HAVE to wear a bow tie and cummerbund."
"No. And I will not,"Giles said firmly. Joyce looked at him, very frustrated.
"And why not?"
Giles crossed his arms as his face reddened."It chokes me and makes my stomach look fat. I am NOT about to face your family looking fat."
Joyce threw his an incredulous look."They've already seen you naked! Those that got a good look at you will know that you're not fat!"
Giles glared at his wife for reminding him of the fact that he had met the Carruther males for the first time, naked. Joyce sighed and tried a different tactic.”Darling-”
Giles gave her a mulish look.”No.”
‘Okay, time to play dirty,’Joyce thought as her lower lip started to stick out but was mildly surprised that her eyes started to water on their on volition. She sniffed.”Rupert-”
Dismayed at the sight of her tears, Giles grabbed the cummerbund from her as he gathered her into his arms.”Fine. I’ll wear the cummerbund, but I insist on a cravat instead of a bow tie. And do stop, crying, Joyce. You know how I hate that, darling.”
Joyce sniffed again as she lifted her head from his shoulder and smiled shyly at him.”Sorry, hormones. Having a baby does that...”
Giles nodded as he gave her a quick kiss.”I can see that...Better put that horrid thing on...”
As he started to let her go, he was surprised when Joyce held him tight. Puzzled, he frowned at her. Joyce tiptoed to kiss him deeply.”More hormones, Rupert. Do we have time for a quickie?”
*****
"Honey, you have to talk to me sometime,"Angel said as he looked at Buffy. She merely gave him cold look that would have frozen his blood if it was warm."I said I was sorry, and I did replace the dress. You look terrific in this one. More beautiful. The color really brings out the green in your eyes. And the style-"
Angel looked down at the short emerald silk dress that hung tightly to Buffy’s every curve. His eyes then zeroed in on its plunging neck line. Angel cleared his throat.”And the style really makes your-”
Angel stopped that line of thought when Buffy made an indelicate snort. Then she merely tossed her head at him as she walked into the bathroom and locked the door. Angel sat heavily on the bed and sighed heavily. It looks like he was going to get the cold shoulder the whole night, unless he did something about it. And fast. He did not look forward to going to this dinner with Buffy mad at him. Especially when the people at the dinner were of the ability to make his unlife...difficult for him.
"She still not talking to you, Smiley?"asked a nasal voice from the doorway. Angel lifted his head to see the amused face of his other best man, Whistler.
"Nope, she's still royally pissed off at me,"Angel said as he rubbed his eyes tiredly."It was not like I did it on purpose. It was an accident. And totally her father's fault."
Whistler snorted."Yeah, like the Bombshell is going to go for that reason. 'See, hon, I jacked off on the dress you were about to wear tonight because I can't hold my load in when I get near your clothes. And it's all your idiot dad's fault that I can't shoot my load into you.' Yeah, I can see her going for that-OW!"
Whistler turned to see Buffy holding a can of hairspray in her hand."You are a vulgar little demon that I am going to murder as soon as I can."
Whistler scowled at her."Hey, it wasn't me that couldn't control my juices! It was Smiley here!"
Buffy ignored him as she walked down the stairs. Whistler scowled at Angel. "And you couldn't tell me that she was behind me?"
Grinning, Angel shrugged."No sense in her being mad at just me."
"Oh, you're all heart, Angel,"Whistler grumbled."I should just leave you to face the Carruthers alone. Especially when they find out that you've been stealing Bombshell's racy underwear."
Angel wrapped his arm around Whistler's neck."And if they ever find out about that, then I just let it slip on the little side talent you have of being able to see though certain fabrics. I’m sure that’ll go big with them."
*****
Standing in the living room, Spike glared at the tortuous device in his hands and growled at it menacingly. "Stupid, piece of shit. What the fuck do I need this for? In fact, why the fuck am I going to a stupid party filled with a bunch of mangy, sodding humans related to that pain in the ass Slayer?"
"I dunno, Spike, why the fuck *are* you going where you're not wanted,"called out a voice from the stairs. Spike looked up and snarled at the owner of the voice."So why don't you just walk into a tree and become fertilizer?"
Buffy, through some manipulation of her vocal chords, snarled back at him."It's not like you want to go anyway, and I certainly didn’t invite you."
"Yeah? Well, I think that I'm going just to make you and Peaches all unhappy,"Spike snarled back at her."Just to be there and make snide little comments and make you wonder if I'm going to have one of your relatives for dinner. Or as an appetizer."
"Like you can do that,"Buffy scoffed at him."My uncles and cousins can all kick your ass and stake you with one hand tied behind their backs if they wanted to."
Angel came down the steps with Whistler behind him, and immediately tried to forestall the brewing fight."Spike, back off. Buffy, calm down."
"Go screw a dress, Peaches. Oh, right, you did that already, what next, her shoes,"Spike snarled at Angel, then looked back at Buffy."Oh, yeah, breasts for brains? Think that those lame blokes can take me?"
"Don't you talk to him like that, Bleach Brain,”Buffy snapped. Angel tried to grab Buffy's arm, but she evaded his grasp. She looked at him and glared. "And don't you touch me, I'm still mad at you."
Angel looked at Whistler who was lounging on the sofa, watching the brewing fight with interest."Don't just sit there, help me stop them."
"Why? They get to rumble and we get entertained,"Whistler shrugged."Not everyday you get to see a Slayer and Spike rumble in formal wear. And, man, this tie itches!"
"You don't help me stop them, and I'll make sure that the tie you're wearing will do more than itch,"Angel snarled at him. He then turned his attention back to Spike and his fiancee.
"Those lame blokes can take you out in a heart beat,"Buffy snarled back as she stepped up near his game face.
Spike snarled as he looked down at the short Slayer."Alright, then. Whose heart beat can I take? Better yet, I'll let you worry whose heart I'll grab."
Angel growled at Spike."Don't you even think of trying to feed off any of the Carruthers."
Buffy grabbed Spike by the lapels of his tuxedo."Try grabbing a heart of one of my relatives and I'll-"
"Buffy! You let Liam go!"shouted an admonishing voice from the stairs. Buffy jumped as she abruptly let Spike's lapels go as Angel looked up guiltily at Buffy's mother. Joyce came down with her hands on her hips as she glared at her daughter."I thought I told the both of you no fighting inside the house."
"He started it. Said he was going to feed off of one of our cousins,"Buffy scowled."I was only trying to set him straight."
Joyce gave her daughter a chiding look, then aimed one at Spike."He won't, honey. Liam promised me that he would only drink from the pitchers of blood that we arranged for him, Angel and Whistler. Very nice and fresh blood, I might add. Isn't that right, Liam?"
"Er, right, Mum,"Spike said to her meekly as he glared at the Slayer."Just those pitchers of blood."
"See? Liam will behave in this party. He promised,"Joyce said as she gave a happy look at her daughter. Then she frowned."Honey, what happened to the blue velvet dress that Nana bought you for the party?"
"Where's Giles?"Angel asked quickly before Buffy could start her tirade, and glared at Spike and Whistler when they started to snicker."Is he ready yet?"
Joyce blushed."He'll be ready soon. He was, ah, a bit occupied with...ah, doing something for me before. Liam, what are you still doing with that tie in your hand?"
Spike gave his Mum the tie."Since I have no reflection, can't see if I'm doing it right. Been over a hundred ears since I wore one on my neck."
"Lean over, so that I can do this properly,"Joyce ordered. She then glanced at Angel's bow tie with an expert eye."Buffy, you might want to fix Angel's tie, it's a bit crooked. Liam, I want you to promise to not antagonized anybody."
Spike frowned.”Then how am I supposed to have any fun at this dumb party?”
Buffy scowled at her mother, then scowled at her fiancee. Angel gave her a puppy dog smile as he bent over, then was scared when he saw Buffy smile. It wasn't her happy and playful smile, nor was it her come-hither-and-all-is-forgiven smile when he did something male and stupid. No, sir. It was her 'I am going to make you suffer so bad that you would wish the Hellmouth would eat you up right now' smile.
Buffy smiled at Angel as her voice grew husky."Angel, sit on the couch, you're still too tall for me to reach."
Warily, Angel sat on the couch and looked up at her face. Buffy smiled as she stepped between Angel's legs. His eyes bulged like a bug when Buffy tightened the tie on his neck like a noose, and his nose twitched when he smelled the scent of her. And gulped when he realized that her breasts were directly in his line with his eyes.
"There, all done,"Buffy smiled innocently as she rolled her shoulders back and thrust her breast tantalizingly close to his face. Angel groaned as he moved back. Buffy moved closer to him, her chest still close to his face, and looked at him with mock concern."Tie too tight, Angel?"
Whistler snorted."It's not the tie that's too tight now, it's the pants. Smiley, you shoot it now, we're really going to be late."
"That'd be a pity,"Spike snorted as he stood up."Shoot it now, and we'll all get a night off. And where the hell did you get that ugly vest, pansy? Rip it off some blind man?"
"Why? Jealous that I can wear a nice orange vest and you can't, Psycho vamp?"Whistler said as he patted his vest down."I dare to be different."
"You dare to be loud,"Buffy muttered as she looked at Whistler's bright neon orange vest with white tuxedo."And tasteless. And out of fashion like Bleach Head. You look like a frozen orange popsicle."
Whistler waggled his eyebrows at her."Want to take a lick?"
Angel glared at Whistler and was about to say something when they heard a knock on the door. Whistler stood as Joyce sighed as she walked to answer the door."Oh, hello. Buffy, call for Rupert, the limo is here."
Buffy rolled her eyes as she bounded towards the door."GILES! LIMO'S HERE! GET YOUR ASS-OW!"
Buffy glared at her mother as she rubbed her head. Then scowled up the steps when she saw Giles appear, still trying to tie his cravat."Let's get going! And why aren’t you dressed already?"
Giles glared at Buffy as he hastily tied his grey and black cravat.”Hormones.”
*****
Hank Summers sighed when looked at himself in the mirror. He looked pretty good, for a man that was plagued with extreme bowel movements, hives, hiccups, wooziness and swollen feet the day before. He felt good, for a man that was about to go into the lion’s den. Or in this case, a ballroom filled with Carruthers. At least he knew a few people in there that were of a.... friendlier state of mind towards him. Namely, his daughter and Thurman. Thank God, more people that he knew were coming to the wedding. Then it would be more of an even match.
At least Nana Bethie hadn’t knocked him on the head again when she gave him the blistering set down about his interference with Angel’s bachelor party. Thank God for small favors. Now if he could just avoid the fists of the others, he’d consider himself quite lucky. But what did he do that was so wrong? He was just trying to evaluate Angel, to see if he was good enough for his little girl. What was so wrong with that?
A knock on the door distracted Hank from his thoughts.”Yes? Oh, hello Xander. Cordelia.”
“Hey, Mr.Summers. Nana Bethie sent us up here to come and escort you to the shindig,”said Xander as he entered the room.”And the doctor said that these tablets should settle down your stomach a bit. Just swallow with a cup of water.”
Hank eyed the light green pills.”I’m not sure. I mean, I’ve been feeling pretty good so far. I don’t think that I need the pills.”
Cordelia looked at the man warily.”And are you sure that you wouldn’t want to make and entire scene in from t of Buffy’s mom’s family if you don’t take them? I mean, they’ll all be watching everything that’s going on and if anything ruined the party for Buffy-”
“I’ll take the pills,”Hank said as he snatched the pills from Xander’s hands. He headed towards the bathroom.
Xander looked at Cordelia and whispered to her.”Nice job, honey. Now all we have to do is let Amy’s pills do its work.”
“Are you sure that those things will work? What are they supposed to do anyway?”Cordelia whispered back.
“They’re supposed to make him get alot of gas, and make him leave the room alot. Except when I mixed it with soda, it made him burp and hiccup a whole lot,”Xander whispered back.. Cordelia made a face at him.”Hoping that if he drinks water with it, it’ll work like it’s supposed to.”
“Yeah, smell up the room,”she hissed back. She then smiled brightly when Buffy’s father entered the room.”Are you all set to go?”
“Are you sure that I only have to take two?”Hank asked Xander who nodded. Hank popped the pills in his mouth and took a swig of water.”Well, let’s go into the lion’s den. How did you get here, anyway?”
“Oh, Nana Bethie sent us a limo to pick us all up,”Cordelia said blithely as she hooked her arm around Xander’s.”It was great.”
*****
Willow was having fun exploring the limo that Nana Bethie had sent to pick them up.”Oh, look, a mini bar! With cheese and crackers! And a mini tv!”
Oz glared at his wife as she squealed happily as she turned on the tv.”Will, I thought we agreed about no more magic.”
“It’s not magic, honey, it’s a potion,”Willow corrected as she shook the small pink vial. ”A potion to make Buffy and Angel and Giles, and everyone else happy. Especially Nana Bethie.”
Oz scowled at her “How is this going to make everyone happy? By making Buffy’s father woozy?”
“Woozy enough that he’d stay out of trouble the whole night,”Willow said as she smiled impishly at him.”And so that we don’t have to watch every word that we have to say around him.”
“I still say that something could go wrong with the potion,”Oz stated firmly.
“What could possibly go wrong, Oz?” said Willow as she glared at her husband.”Oh, look. There’s the Seaside Resort. Isn’t this limo great?”
*****
Deep in the basement, Anderson looked at the rest of his brothers as he stood above them on a milk crate.”Brother Warner has instructed us to do this: we must have all the participants in this party in that ballroom. No one must be allowed to leave. The ritual demands that they stay in there. Brother Gellar, Hannigan, the two of you are responsible for Cordelia. As for the other girl, Buffy, Brothers David, Brennan, Stewart and Whedon, you all will be responsible for her. Bind her, and bind her quickly. As for the rest of her party, make sure that they are held back, brothers. If we do this all correctly, in His name, we will all be restored to our power.”
“In His name!”chanted the twenty some odd men. Anderson looked up at his brother who was standing on the steps.”All hail Brother Warner!”
“In His name!”chanted the twenty some odd men. Anderson looked up at his brother who was standing on the steps.”All hail Brother Warner!”
“Come, it is nearly time, my brothers,”intoned Brother Warner as he looked at his followers. “Let us go and mingle with the offerings...”
*****
Nana Bethie looked out at the sea when her sons Aaron and David entered the room with their respective wives, Zenobia and Wynn. Her other sons Caleb and Benjamin and their wives, Xeres and Yvette, were already seated and drinking tea.”Is all prepared for this part of Elizabeth’s wedding, Aaron? David?”
Aaron cleared his throat.”As far as we know, Mother, the spell of protection has been done. Is that not correct, my dear?”
“Oh, it was implemented as soon as we got here,”Zenobia said as she sipped her tea.”Gabriel, Michael, and Penelope handled the west wing, while Joseph, Theordora and Nicole handled the east wing.”
“Rebbecca, Uriah and Samuel handled the north entrance while Kenon, Joshua and Noah handled the south,”added David as he bit into his scone.
“Did you have any trouble with the people of the resort?”Nana Bethie demanded as she looked at her sons. Aaron shrugged.
“If we were stopped, we just told them that it was a British custom to be about the resort burning herbs and setting crosses,”Aaron said with a slight laugh.”Amazing things that a little money and an accent can do. No one believes that we are a mixture of witches, seers, healers, shamans, clergymen, Slayers, Watchers and were-animals. And soon to have vampires in the family as well.”
“Wonderful to have a family filled with paranormal, isn’t it,”Caleb said drolly.”And before you ask, Mother, the grounds were concerted by Victoria, Quincy, Lemuel, Gideon, Peter, and Barbara. No demon would dare to settle here. Or enter to go after the idiot or Elizabeth. Are you sure that we cannot just throw the idiot at the vampires?”
Yvette snorted.”He’d probably give them indigestion. And then there’s the getting rid of the body, and all those annoying little details. Like calling the authorities, my love.”
“I suppose you’re right,”Caleb sighed as he sipped his tea.”But then, since this town is on a Hellmouth, they should be used to dead bodies.”
“Well, we could always throw him out to sea,”suggested Wynn.”I know that Kenon should know something about that. Or perhaps have Frances turn him into a mushroom. But then again, with all the trouble he’s been causing, he might turn into a poisoned one just to be contrary.”
“Enough, children, enough,”Nana Bethie chuckled as she turned away from the window.”The party will officially start in an hour. Now, everyone knows that they are not supposed to harm the idiot.”
“Spoil our fun, Mother?”grumbled Aaron good-naturedly, then quieted when he saw his mother give him an admonishing eye.”Yes, we had all promised to not harm the idiot, though the temptation will be great.”
“And all knows that they are not to be...overly inquisitive of Angel and Rupert? This is, after all, their first time meeting us. In a formal setting. En masse.”
“Now, you’re really pushing it, Mother,”Benjamin protested.”Why should we deny the two the benefit of feeling uncomfortable? Especially when we had that wonderful display this morning?”
“Oh, and what a display it was,”Yvette said dreamily as she winked at Zenobia while her husband scowled at her.”If I were but fifty years younger. And with my figure again. A town filled with naked men, and the best specimens found in Joyceln’s house.”
Benjamin gave a mock glare at his wife.”As far as we know, you’re still too young for Angel.”
“Do you mean there’s still hope for us?”Wynn squealed, her eyes round. Then she winked at her husband. David merely rolled his eyes at his wife.
“And the potion of forgetfulness is prepared for the idiot?”Nana Bethie continued smoothly.
Aaron nodded.”The restaurant will create a special plate for the idiot, and the potion will be mixed in with the food.”
”Good. Now we must all be careful. There is something that I cannot see going on right now,”Nana Bethie nodded. She closed her eyes as she leaned against the window frame.
Benjamin looked at his mother with some alarm.”Something will happen tonight? Is that idiot involved again? Or is it that vampire that has taken a liking towards Joyceln?”
“No, the idiot has nothing to do with it. For once in his life,”Nana Bethie said slowly.”And Spike is involved, but not directly. He is not the cause, I am sure of it. What will happen, I do not know, but I just wish I knew what was is going to happen.”
“But what will be, will be,”sighed David as he took his wife’s hand.”I will alert the rest about what our state of readiness. Should we alert Elizabeth and her friends?”
“Allow them this time of fun, my love,”said Wynn softly.”Elizabeth, out of us all, deserves this time. But can we still drool over her fiancee?”
“I second that motion!”Zenobia said as she raised her hand.
*****
Buffy climbed out of the limo, with Angel close behind her as she gazed at the Seaside Resort. He leaned over to whisper n her ear,“It looked beautiful, doesn’t it, baby?”
Buffy ignored Angel as she turned to look at her mother, being helped out of the limo by both Spike and Giles.”Are you ready, Mom?”
Joyce rolled her eyes at her daughter as Whistler snickered.”Buffy, I think that you’re going to have to talk to Angel sometime tonight. If you don’t want him to have a hard time with your cousins.”
“He’s already having a hard time, Mum. A real hard time. Aren’t you, Peaches,”Spike snickered.
Buffy rolled her eyes at him.”Spike, I’m gonna dust you as soon as this party’s over. I swear it.”
“You and what army?”Spike snarled back. Angel reached over and shot his fist into Spike’s face before Joyce could react. Spike’s head snapped back. And quickly retaliated by punching Angel in the gut.
When Angel straightened, he merely shrugged at a horrified Joyce.”No furniture. Buffy, come on, let’s talk-”
“Buffy!”squealed a voice from the side of her. Buffy turned and broke into a wide grin.”You look fantastic!”
Buffy ginned as she looked at Willow and Oz, dressed in their formal wear. Willow wore a simple black sheath dress while Oz was wearing a black tuxedo with....”Oz, what is that you’re wearing on your ears?”
“Oh, well. Willow wouldn’t let me color my hair green or put my green earrings on, to match her eyes, so I took some body paint to color my ears green,”Oz said blandly.”Cool, isn’t it?”
Buffy plastered a smile on her face as she stared at Oz’s green ears as Angel blinked at his best man.
“You have such strange friends, Slayer. And Peaches, you have weird best men, but then you’re off your rocker, too,”Spike blurted out loud. Buffy glared at him.
Whistler studied the young werewolf.”Hey, Wolvie, now we kinda match. you have green ears, and I have an orange vest.”
“And Xander’s wearing purple underwear,”said Cordelia as the couple met the Slayer and her small party.”Not that you can see it, which is good. Hey, Giles you been putting on a little weight?”
“No, I have not,”Giles snapped at Cordelia as he glared at his wife.”It’s the blasted cummerbund.”
Joyce leaned closer to him and whispered.”Hormones, Rupert. Hormones.”
She giggled when Giles cleared his throat as his face grew red.”Well, is Faith and Amy here as of yet?”
“Both present and accounted for, G-man,”said Faith as she sauntered over with Amy to the group.”Loved the limo pick up. Looking good, B. But where’s the dress that you showed me and Will the other day?”
“Let’s go into the ball room now, shall we?”Angel said as he grabbed Buffy’s arm and started dragging her into the resort. Spike and Whistler started laughing hysterically as they saw the Slayer scowl at Angel.
“What’d I say?”Faith demanded as she looked at everyone. Spike and Whistler laughed harder.”What’d I say?”
*****
Buffy dug her feet into the carpeting and forced Angel to stop.”Angel, this is not a race.”
Angel glared at her, then looked to the heavens.”Finally, she’s speaking to me. Hallelujah!”
Buffy bit her inner lip to keep from laughing.”Well, why should I speak to you? After what you did?”
“I said I was sorry, honey. It was just that your closet was filled with the scent of you,”Angel said earnestly.”That I forgot where I was, and-”
“Hey, Buffy!”called out a voice. Buffy turned and broke out into a stunned smile as Angel scowled.”What are you doing here?”
“Scott! How nice to see you! What are you doing here?”Buffy asked as she pinched Angel’s arm to make him behave.
Scott looked at Angel warily as he stood a few feet away from her and him. He wasn’t at all sure about what happened last night after the stripper did her dance or how he ended up naked in Buffy’s mother’s house or why Angel or Mr.Giles or the other men were naked as well. But he was sure that he didn’t want to know what happened. And that he wasn’t about to get close to Buffy while she was with a guy that could throw him twenty feet with ease.”Well, my family bought the resort a few years ago. I’m just helping out. Hey, is this your party, the family reunion that’s going on right now? The Carruthers family that bought out the resort for two weeks?”
“Yeah, it is,”Buffy said modestly.”It’s my mom’s cousins and uncles that are staying here. We’re all going to be doing the family thing until the wedding.”
“Elizabeth! You’re here! Wonderful!”shouted a voice. Buffy spun to look at the crowd of people that were waiting beside the entrance of the ball room.
“Joshua!”She squealed as she ran into the arms of her cousin, and he caught her and flung her up in the air. Angel stared as he saw cousin Joshua fling her to the waiting arms of another man like a rag doll. And she squealed happily again as he caught her and given a hearty kiss.”Nathan!”
While Angel was distracted, Scott took the opportunity to slink away from him. Angel forcefully strode over to where Buffy was, but was intercepted by cousin Joshua.”Hello, Angel. I’m cousin Joshua. And we’re going to have a lot of fun discussing your relationship with Elizabeth.”
Angel growled at Cousin Joshua as he watched Buffy being hugged, kissed and tossed around like a treasured doll. He could take him. Cousin Joshua was slightly shorter than him. And human.”Oh, really?”
Cousin Nathan then came and put his huge arm around Angel’s neck. He was as tall as Angel.“Oh, yes. Really. But first you’d better put away your game face, mate, else we’re all likely to get out our wood and come after you. Then we’d have to find Elizabeth a new boy to play with. But first, have you seen Cousin Joyceln?”
*****
Laughing, Faith wiped a tear from her eye.”So that’s why she was wearing a different dress tonight.”
“I’m surprised that Buffy let him live,”Cordelia commented as she leaned against Xander for support.”That was a totally awesome $500 dress.”
“And to think we missed all that while we were in bed,”Joyce chuckled as she leaned against her husband’s solid form. She sighed with pleasure when he wrapped his arm around her. Then instinctively tried to burrow herself into him. She chuckled again when she felt something hard push against her bottom. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek.”Hormones, Rupert.”
“Aw, Mum,”Spike groused at her good-naturedly.”Must you do that in front of us?”
Joyce laughed as she kissed Giles on the cheek again. And Liam groaned again. With a red-face, Giles cleared his throat.”Well, shall we go in?”
“It’s about time you decided to come in,”commented a voice as the small group entered the resort. Joyce broke into a bright smile as she recognized the elderly man.”Joyceln? have you nothing to say to me?”
*****
“Uncle Aaron! Aunt Zenobia!”Joyce squealed as she ran into her uncle’s arms. Giles stared at the man in horror. The man that was Joyce oldest uncle was as tall as Angel, and still as sturdy as an oak.
“Oh, boy!”Oz whispered aloud as he looked into the ball room.”No wonder Buffy’s dad was nervous about Mrs.S’s cousins! They can make a basketball player feel short!”
“And they all have huge muscles,”Willow breathed in awe. Oz looked at his wife and she amended.”If you’re into that sort of thing.”
“I know that I am,”Faith purred.”Come on, let’s mingle and hope there are some singles. Yo, G-man, let’s go. Worst they can do to you is squeeze your hand to death.”
“Or tie me up the nearest tree,”Giles muttered as he walked into the ball room as if he had a death sentence.
*****
Brother Warner watched as he saw the small group enter the ball room, and smiled coldly. Everything was going according to plan. He nodded to the brother that was guarding the double doors. The brother that was with him started to close the doors slowly as the other used the nearby phone to call his other brothers.
“Tom! Hey, Tom!” shouted a voice. Brother Warner turned to look at the person calling him. Breathless, Scott looked at his newest security employee.”I need you to check out the maintenance schedule tomorrow and make arrangements with them. State wants to be sure that we’re drilling everyone on the proper techniques in getting everyone out of the building safely. And that the emergency exits are all in proper working order.”
Tom Warner shrugged.”Sure thing. Do you have a minute? I need to talk to you about something...”
*****
‘Now, how the hell am I supposed to get this stuff on to the idiot’s food?’ thought Spike as he headed towards the kitchen when he heard something that had caught his interest.
“And this is for the father of the bride,”the voice ordered to the waiter.”He is on a special diet, and this is what he can eat. Is that clear? Good. Now you may deliver this to him. The announcements shall be starting soon.”
When the waiter was left alone, Spike stopped the waiter.”I say, is that the Father of the Bride’s dish?”
The waiter nodded.”Yeah, specially made for him and I’m to deliver this to him personally. Within five minutes.”
“Oh, that’s good. He’s a very special man,”Spike said jovially.”Is that a bit of baked ziti there?”
The waiter looked at Spike suspiciously.“Yeah, it is. All served on the buffet table, man. You can get your own there.”
“I’m sure that I will, mate. It’s just that I know that the bloke likes extra meat sauce on his pasta. And I know that he’d likely throw that plate at you if he doesn’t get it. A very spoiled man with a temper. Needs things just right else he gets mad,”Spike replied. The waiter thought about this, then nodded.
“I’ll be getting more sauce for the man then,”the waiter said as he put the plate down and re-entered the kitchen. Spike quickly sprinkled his red powder on to the pasta. He smiled as the waiter came back and placed more sauce on the plate.”Be seeing you man. Thanks for the tip.”
“No problem, mate,”Spike said jovially.’And thanks for the help. Now scratch yourself silly, idiot.’
*****
Angel frantically looked for Buffy as he was cornered by three of Buffy’s female relatives. ”So, Angel, do you often like to go about the house naked?”
Angel wished the world would come up and swallow him whole.”Uh-”
“Wynn! What a question!”laughed a woman as she cast an admonishing look at an unrepentant Wynn.”I do apologize for her, being a healer she is most interested in anatomy. I think she wants to know is that are you through with playing with Elizabeth’s underwear?”
“Zenobia! It’s dresses he like to play with now!”tisked Aunt Yvette. Angel’s face grew redder as he tried to avoid her knowing look.
A booming voice called out.“What’s this about dresses? Hello, Angel, I am Elizabeth’s cousin, Ethan. And this is my brother, Eli. Now what’s this about dresses and Angel, Aunt Yvette?”
“For get that, Ethan,”said a voice. Angel turned to see a man taller than him scowl at him.”I am Cousin Jonas, Angel. Ask him why Elizabeth is angry with him.”
Ethan, Eli and Jonas glared at Angel as he smiled weakly at them.”It’s, ah, actually...well. A long and boring story that you really don’t want to hear.”
“Oh, we wish to hear it,”Eli said as he stepped closer towards Angel, and Ethan moved behind to block his retreat.
*****
Whistler sauntered up towards the buffet table and picked out a few pieces of green, red and yellow Jell-O. He stood behind a plant as he doused his blue liquid on the green part of the Jell-O and headed towards Hank Summers who was standing miserably next to the Tweed man and Beth, and was getting ready to be seated.
*****
With Joyce at his side, Giles winced as he shook hands with yet another of Joyce’s cousins.”How do you do, cousin Kenon? Please to meet you.”
Kenon looked at the man that Joyceln was next to.”I am fine, and far less than please to meet you, Rupert Giles. Is it often that you are naked with demons in your house?”
“Kenon!”Joyce scolded as Giles winced as his face grew red.”You know that it was a special circumstance!”
Kenon lifted an eyebrow at her.”He’s naked with demons in the house for special circumstances?”
“What’s this again about naked circumstances?” demanded a soft voice.
Kenon looked down and smiled at his mother and shrugged. Aunt Laura smiled at him then she looked at Giles, her eyes twinkling.”Are we talking about Rupert or Angel?”
“Oh, are we talking about nakedness again?”demanded a voice.”Hello, Joyceln, dear. Rupert Giles, I am cousin Rebecca, and this here is my husband Thomas. He’s a retired colonel.”
Rupert made an attempt to smile.”Wonderful to meet you.”
“Surely not,”Thomas said as he shook hands with Giles.”So, have you been taking care of our girls?”
A man came up and shook his head.“I think not, Thomas. Hello, I am cousin Moses. From what I have heard Elizabeth is quite angry with Angel.”
Thomas’s piecing blue eyes zeroed in on Giles.”Is that so? In other words, then, Elizabeth is not happy with Angel?”
Giles groaned when he saw the eyes of the Carruthers narrow at him. He looked frantically for Joyce, but she was engrossed in an animated conversation with another cousin.”It’s, ah, actually a long and tedious story that you really wouldn’t want to hear-”
“Bore us, then,”commanded Kennon as he frowned at Giles.
*****
Willow carried the red fruit drink carefully in her hands as she walked over towards Buffy’s father. She had already squirted her potion into the drink, and was trying not to spill it as she carried it.
“Hey, Will! Ready to be seated?”Faith asked as she caught up with the girl.
Willow nodded.”As soon as I get this drink to Buffy’s father. Poor man’s been passing gas all night, and thinks that a fruit drink might help.”
“I can carry that to him,”Faith offered as she grabbed the drink away from Willow.”Better go sit now, your Wolf-boy’s ready to bolt for it.”
Willow was about to protest when she realized that she might cause a bigger scene if she didn’t let Faith have the drink.”Sure. Thanks.”
“No prob,”Faith said as she turned towards Buffy’s father. Her hand covered the drink as if not to spill it as she sprinkled her orange powder into the red fruit drink.”Now, sneeze’em and weep, Daddy-o.”
*****
Hank Summer was having a miserable time. At least he wasn’t harmed by any of Joyce’s cousins or uncles. That was a good thing. His stomach was settled, but for some reason he was passing gas like a whoopee cushion.
“Mr.Summers? Willow said that this was for you,”said Faith as she placed the drink in front of him.”She said that it would help settle your stomach.”
“Oh, thank you, Faith,”Hank said to the girl as he took the drink. Faith watched as he took a long drink from the glass.
“Hey, Mr.S! Have some Jell-O, maybe you’re a bit hungry and that’s why you’ve been farting like a pig,”Whistler said loudly. Hank glared at the fool in the white tux with the bright orange vest.”Well, dig into it! Jell-O’s only good when cold.”
“Thank you, Whistler,”Hank Summers gritted out as he took the Jell-O from his hands. He could hear Faith giggle as he reluctantly took several bites out of the jello.”That was good.”
Whistler smiled proudly as he sauntered back towards Angel and the pea-brain that was once the Bombshell’s boy toy, Owen Thurman.Just then a waiter set a plate down in front of him. After sneezing a few times, Hank looked at the waiter questioningly.”What is this?”
“The management was ordered to make you a special plate due to your condition,”the waiter said.”Enjoy.”
“Not likely,”Hank muttered as the waiter walked away. He picked up his fork and started to eat.
*****
Owen cleared his throat as he looked at Angel.”Uh, hi? I’m supposed to tell you that it’s time to be seated?”
Angel glared at the little pissant that Buffy’s father prefered.”Fine. Lead the way, MacDuff.”
“Hey, Angel!”Whistler said happily as he sauntered up to the vampire.”You ready to eat yet? I could use a quart. Hey, Thurman, better go to Mr.S. I hear he was looking for you.”
“I’ll go right now,”Owen said quickly as he walked away as fast as his feet would take him. Angel glared at Whistler who shrugged.
“He tastes bad, and we’d have trouble hiding the body. Now let’s get those quarts that Buffy’s mom got for us.”
*****
Spike grumbled as he was seated with Angel and Whistler.”Bloody hell. This is about to make me lose my appetite.”
“Like it’s great for me as well,”Angel grumbled. He perked up when he saw Buffy head towards his way.”Buffy-”
“Hey, Angel,”Buffy said sweetly as she sat on his lap. Surprised, yet pleased that she was talking to him, he pulled her close to him. She wiggled to make his grip looser, and he groaned.
“Can you two not do that here? Making me want to heave,”Spike growled. Buffy rolled her eyes at him as Angel growled back.
“Yeah, I’m smelling you again, Angel,”Whistler agreed.”And it ain’t smelling pretty again. Jack off later, let us demons eat.”
“Whistler, I’m gonna take your rib cage out and make it into a bonnet,”Buffy threatened. She then looked at Angel.”So you like my cousins?”
“Like is hard to say. They obviously are mad at me for making you mad at me. I’ve been threatened at and tittered over all night,”Angel grumbled.
Buffy giggled.”We Carruthers are certainly a clan. Giles said the same thing. Except he added that he was going to murder you. My cousins apparently threatened him for making me mad at you.”
“Gee, that’s great,”Angel groaned.”What else can go wrong?”
“Hey, Buffster, ready to have some chow?”Xander called out as he seated himself and Cordelia next to Whistler.
Angel dropped his head on Buffy’s shoulder.”Forget I asked. Just give me a demon to fight.”
*****
Joyce beamed at her husband as he seated her.”So, do you like my cousins? Aren’t they cute?”
“Oh, yes. They are cute for a homicidal and judgmental bunch of Neanderthal mountains that holds me personally responsible for the eternal happiness of you and Buffy,”said Giles as he seated himself.”Oh, yes. They are cute.”
Joyce giggled.”Rupert, they’re just trying to rattle your cage. You know that, you’re a man. You should know that all men do that.”
Giles stared at his wife exasperated.”Not all men are threatened body and limb on their first meeting with the family, darling.”
Joyce leaned closer as she laughed huskily in his ear.”As long as they keep the best limbs intact, we’re fine. Do you want to escape to a room later? My hormones are acting up again. And you could use a stress relief.”
Giles kissed his wife hard.“Why not? I might be killed by your cousins later.”
“Look at it this way, at least they didn’t promise to tear off your limbs, like they did with Hank,”Joyce said.”They only threatened you.”
Giles looked at Hank who was sitting across from them. He was alternately scratching, sneezing and passing gas as he rubbed his head and feet. Giles then looked at Joyce’s cousins warily.”And this is supposed to make me feel better? I’d rather fight a demon.”
*****
”Brother Warner, they are all inside,”said Brother Anderson as he met him in the front of the resort. Warner nodded as he strode towards the ball room. The brothers behind him locked the doors of the resort.
He looked at his men as he took out his gun.”Remember the plan. Let’s go.”
*****
Nana Bethie gasped as she grabbed her son’s arm. Aaron looked at his mother, then signaled his brothers by tinkling his glass sharply and loudly. The brothers then signaled their eldest sons through various and subtle motions. And they in turn, alerted their mates and siblings.
*****
Giles looked up from kissing his wife when he heard the first tinkling of Aaron’s glass. He saw the subtle, but identifiable pattern of warning go through the room.”Joyce, something is wrong.”
Joyce looked at him, then at her family. They were all still smiling and laughing as if nothing was going on, but something was off. She looked towards her daughter. She was in a casual battle stance, as was Liam. She looked at her husband. He was looking around the room, and she saw what he did. All entrances, saw the one nearest Nana Bethie was closed. People that were wearing suits were near the closed entrances.
“Rupert, what’s wrong?”she hissed. Rupert shook his head. Then he saw Nana Bethie rise.
*****
Spike tensed and started to growl as Angel grabbed Buffy, then got her off his lap.”Angel? What’s wrong?”
Buffy tensed, ready as Angel looked around. Whistler answered her as his eyes darted around.”Something’s going down. Something is wrong.”
Buffy darted her eyes towards Giles who was hovering protectively over her mother, and she noted that he was tense as well.”Giles knows that something is wrong.”
Faith narrowed her eyes as she looked around.”Buff, feeling the tension here. Not cool.”
“What? What’s going on? Is there another great evil going around here again? Oh, great, well is there?”Cordelia demanded loudly. Xander shushed her.
Nana Bethie stood as she lifted out her glass.”Elizabeth, my dear. Angel, and the rest of the wedding party, please come here, we wish to formally introduce you to the family. Joyceln, Rupert, come here as well.”
Puzzled, and wary, the small group made their way towards Nana Bethie when a shot rang out. And the audible clicks of doors being locked echoed through out the room.
*****
Tom Warner smiled coldly as he saw the two girls he hated most standing near the center of the room.”Attention one and all! Sorry to crash in on this momentous family reunion, but I have an announcement to make.”
“Who the bloody hell are you?”demanded a voice from the small group. It was a bleached blonde that stood next to Buffy.
“Be quiet, cur!”shouted Brother Anderson.”One more word out of you, and you’re a dead man.”
“As I was saying, I have an announcement to make,”Tom continued affably as he looked around at the sea of faces. ”I am here to offer you a great deal. Your lives for the lives of two girls. Give me Buffy and Cordelia. And you can all go free. Or maybe not.”
“Who the hell are you?”Cordelia demanded as she stepped forward.
“Cordelia! Have you forgotten us so soon?”tisked Brother Anderson.”And after all that we’ve meant to each other.”
Cordelia swung around and after a moment, gaped.”Richard!”
“Cordelia, you know this plastic Ken doll?”Faith demanded, her eyes looking for a line of attack.
Xander snorted.”She used to date the Ken doll until he wanted to sacrifice her to a demon snake.”
“Oh, no, not the demon frat boys again,”Willow moaned.”What is this a frat boy psycho reunion for Buffy’s wedding? Couldn’t they just make you and Cordelia drunk again?”
“Willow!”Buffy glared at her best friend.”Now is so not the time to talk about this!”
Angel hissed at her.”We need to get your family out of here. Grab us some time, hon.”
Tom shot another one in the ceiling. Then grabbed the woman next to him and place a gun against their heads. The other brothers did the same as they grabbed a hostage.”Buffy...Machida wants you. He’s waiting to be resurrected by you.”
“What’s going on here? What the hell do you want Buffy for?”Hank Summer demanded as he stood up.
“Idiot! Will you be seated! All is steady,”Uncle Aaron shouted as he sprung to his feet. Hank glared at the older man.
“Why do I have to be seated! What the hell is going on? Why does that psycho want Buffy for?”Hank demanded. A brother quickly cracked the back of his head. Buffy’s father slumped down into his plate of food.
Giles winced.”At least he’s not hurt that much.”
“Buffy, get over here,”Tom ordered.”Or else the next person to go down will be dead.”
“Yeah, well, he can wait until the Spice Girls makes a come back, ‘cause he’s dead,”Buffy shot back as she walked slowly towards Tom.
Willow hissed at Amy.”Get ready to turn people into rats.”
Richard’s eyes gleamed as he looked at the girl.”Not for long, sweetheart. He’s gonna make a come back. And we’ll all be in the money and the good life again. As soon as we give him you.”
“How the hell did you get out of prison?”Buffy demanded.”Thought you got in for twenty-five years.”
Tom smiled coldly at her.”Called parole, Buffy. The system worked for me.”
Nana Bethie looked at the eyes of her children. And stepped forward. Tom swung his gun towards the old woman.”You should not have come here.”
“Too bad, old woman. We’re here, and we’re getting Buffy,”Tom said. He looked towards his brothers.”Stewart, Brennan, David, Whedon, get her. Brother Hannigan, get Cordelia.”
As the men moved towards Buffy and Cordelia, Nana Bethie looked at the boy again.”You should not have come here. Leave now or die.”
Anderson sneered at Nana Bethie.”Who has the guns, old woman?”
“I do,”called out a voice. Anderson swung his gun towards the young lady, but his hands came up with flowers. He looked and saw his hand filled with flowers.”By the way, name’s Nicole Carruthers.”
“And I’m Rhiannon,”said the hostage as she flipped Richard over her shoulder.”Meet my husband, Gideon.”
*****
Tom screamed as the female hostage touched his arm. He stared at her as she smiled at him.”You should never hurt a healer. Bad form. Name is Wynn. Sons, this man has no manners.”
“We’ve got him, Mum,”shouted Kennon as he took Tom by his collar.
*****
Angel roared as he tackled the men that were fighting Buffy.”See what happens when you date strange men?”
Buffy threw a punch as she glared at Angel.”Yeah? Is that what you are?”
“Don’t start with me, Buffy,”Angel warned as he threw a fist into a frat boy’s face.
*****
Willow screamed as huge man came running towards her. She flung her hands up, and the silverware went flying towards him.”Yeragh!”
Amy shouted as she changed one man into a rat.”Unclean thing crawl!”
“Go girlfriend!”Faith shouted as she leaped over the tables to fight a suit.
Spike spun around as he ran towards a blighter that was heading towards his Mum. He took the blighter out with one punch. “Mum! you all right?”
“I’m fine,”she gasped as he helped her up. She looked at the chaos around her.”Oh, dear. This was a nice restaurant resort.”
“Ah, the food wasn’t so great.”Spike said, then he shouted towards Giles. ”Hey, Tweed man! Get Mum out of here!”
Giles finished cracking a plate over a frat boy’s head as he ran towards his wife.”Come along, darling. Must get you to safety. Spike, cover us.”
“As if I need to be told that,”Spike muttered.”Can I have my spot of violence after we get her to safety?”
*****
Richard came to and saw the geek that crashed the frat party deck Brother David with the help of a shorter man. He saw his brother go down one by one, then saw Buffy’s father rise up from his plate groggily. And raced towards him.
*****
Tom clutched his head as Buffy hauled him up to his feet.”Think that you’re going to get away for a very long time, Tom. Parole’s canceled.”
“Not so fast,”Richard called out. He held a gun to Hank Summer’s head.”We go, else Daddy here gets a new hole in the head.”
“Jasmine!”Nana Bethie hollered. Richard looked at the old woman, then felt his hostage disappear.
He looked down blankly, saw the menacing faces around him, then threw his gun to the ground.”I give up.”
A bloodied Scott came barreling into the ball room.”What happened?”
*****
As the Carruthers family gathered around the small group of Slayerettes in the ball room, Buffy sighed.”Well, all right then, Cousin Jasmine. Do your thing and return Dad back to the way he was.”
Jasmine looked down and frown.”It’s not that simple. Elizabeth. My spell was supposed to make him unbearably heavy. Not turn him into something. It could have been the potion of forgetfulness, but that’s highly unlikely.”
“Then what happened?”Buffy demanded.”How did he change? Why did he change? And how do we get him back?”
Nana Bethie frowned as she looked at her former grandson-in-law.”If I didn’t know better, I’d say that he has been imbibed with another potion. Harbinger...”
Whistler grinned at Beth sheepishly.“You never said anything about a powder, Beth. And it as only a little...”
“You powdered my Dad?”Buffy shouted.”I cannot believe you! At least I know that Will would never do such a thing!”
Willow cleared her throat.”Maybe I did?”
Buffy glared at Willow.”Willow....”
“Oh, man, potion city,”Faith said, her eyes round.”I should have consulted with you, Will.”
“You mean that you gave him something, too?”Cordelia blurted out. Buffy looked at Faith then at Cordelia in shock.
“You gave my father something as well?”Buffy demanded at Cordelia.
“It was Xander and he got something from Amy!”Cordelia said hotly. Buffy threw her hands up in the air.
“The next thing you’ll say is that Spike also gave something to my dad,”she grumbled as she glared at Spike.”At least my enemies have better sense than to do that.
Spike coughed as his ears grew red. Buffy stared at him.”Spike...not you too.”
“What? He was annoying Mum!”Spike shouted defensively.”What did you think I should do?”
The Carruthers started laughing quietly as Buffy looked around her friends, her face was furious.”All right, inventory time. Who did what, gave what and what did they do?”
Faith raised her hand.”Powder for sneezing.”
“Powder for swollen feet,”Whistler said.
“Woozy potion,”Willow coughed. Spike grimaced.”Itching powder.”
Xander turned red.”Farting powder.”
“Xander!”Buffy shouted. He frowned at her.”It was the only thing I can think of! And that Amy knew that wouldn’t hurt him!”
Buffy sighed.”Now can we change him back?”
“As soon as all those potions wear off,”Jasimine said.”All I can suggest is that he be kept in a safe place.”
“And make sure that no one cooks him,”Giles said. Buffy glared at him.”What? Is it my fault that your father was turned into an artichoke? I never even got a chance to give him the laxative I crushed for him!”
~Fin.
