Conversations All Around
"Why not?" "Because I don't want to."
“Darling…you know that Dante gave you the way to break the spell. You have to change the idiot back…”
“Yes, Smith did. And no, I don’t have to change the idiot back if I don’t want to. And don’t you dare nibble my ear because it…won’t…won’t…oh…that feels nice, Joyce.”
“I… can… make… it… feel… more than… nice…if you could just… convince Dante… to change the turd… back in time… for the wedding… Oh!”
“I’ll think about it.” “Rupert! You have to-oh! Rupert…”
“Darling, do you honestly want to talk about the turd and Dante right now?”
“Ummm…. Talk about who?”
*~*~*~*~*
"Change him back. Please?" "No."
"Uncle Dante-" "I said, no."
"But-" "Buffy, I can not change him back until after the wedding. Or maybe until after the-“
"Uncle Dante, you wouldn't dare!" “Why not? Far as I can see, your dad’s not hurting anyone and he’s making everyone happy just by being a soccer ball.”
“Uncle Dante! Stop being difficult! You change Daddy back right now!”
“I’M BEING DIFFICULT? Elizabeth Anne Summers, do not make me take you over my knee! As far as I’m concerned, it was the turd that was the one being difficult. For you and your mother! I only made him less difficult! As a soccer ball he can’t-OW!”
“Oops, sorry about that, mate. Kicked the bloke a little too hard.”
“Spike, what are you doing with that ball-Oh, no…that’s not-you’re not-“ “Yep.”
“Is that who I think it is? Is it the-”
“Yep. It’s the Turd of Our Lives, now known as the Football of Our Lives, courtesy of you. Meant to thank you for that, mate.”
“SPIKE?!? You’re kicking my father around?”
“Yeah, what of it? He’s a bloody football so we might as well get some use of him.” “SPIKE!”
“Bloody hell, Slayer, I know my name. OW! What was that for?”
“You give me my father right now or so help me God, I’ll make you fit into an ashtray…”
“Oh, yeah? Well, how’d you like to be dead before you tie the knot with the great poof?”
“You’ve tried that before and I still kicked your ass! So-OW! Uncle Dante!”
“Says who that you-OW! What the bloody hell, man?”
“You two stop fighting or else I’ll turn the pair of you into turnips that-“
“Me? Why are you mad at me?!? I’m trying to save my dad from being kicked around! And you’re not helping me, Uncle Dante! And how did you get my dad from my room, Spike?”
“I had permission to kick him around by a great authority, Slayer so there!”
“Who the HELL gave you permission to kick-“ “Spike? Where is the turd? The game is still going on-Oh dear…”
“UNCLE AARON?!?” “Yes, Elizabeth?”
“You’re kicking Daddy around? “Not exactly.”
“What do you mean not exactly?” “I was passing him to Spike and he missed-“
“I bloody hell did not! You kicked it out of bounds and I went after it before Angel-“
“ANGEL IS IN ON THIS?!? ANGEL?!?”
“Where is he? ANGEL!! ANGEL, GET OVER HERE!“ “Oh, bloody hell. Shit’s in the fire now.”
“My, Elizabeth has quite a pair of lungs, doesn’t she?” “That’s my goddaughter. So who’s kicking the turd around?”
“Just about everyone, mate. We’ve made four teams, and we even got the hotel staff to move around the tables so we have real goals in the dining hall. And even a cheering section.”
“You’re playing soccer in the dining hall?” “Spike insisted. And considering his allergy to the sun…”
“Hey, I may want to kick the turd to the moon, but I’m not willing to become a pile of dust for the privilege.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Ohh, my head. Can you just like chop it off for me? I feel sick.” “Xander, if you barf all over me I will hurt you.”
“Looking for some sympathy here. And a little coddling. Maybe a few strokes on my forehead, a shoulder to lean on, better yet a body-”
“Why? Just because you were drinking all last night and this morning doesn’t mean that I should give you any sympathy at all. In fact, I think that I deserve more sympathy than you do. I was with the turd all morning and he had the absolute NERVE to imply that I was a bad influence on Buffy. If anything, I improved her taste in clothes! SHE has been a detriment to my life ever since she came to Sunnydale and-“
“CORDY!” “What?”
“Can we turn the sympathy here for a moment? Or at least lead me to the nearest potted plant-“
“Xander, I am so going to kill you. You are so lucky that I love you, you know that? If you miss this plant-”
~* Bleech *~ “Oh, gross. What the hell did you guys eat last night? And this morning?”
“A whole lot of stuff… GOD, I feel sick! I swear I’ll never get into a drinking contest between Angel, Oz, Whistler and Giles ever again! I feel so sick!”
“Well, get over being sick fast ‘cause I want to see everyone kick that turd around.”
“You’re all heart, Cordy.” “I know. Are you done yet?” ~* Bleech *~ “Guess not.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“I feel guilty. I mean I think that we really should be doing something.”
“Like what? We’re not doing anyone any harm. We’re all just hanging and having fun.”
“Faith’s right. As long as Scott’s a chocolate bar and Owen’s a book, how much trouble can they get into? And
all that Buffy’s father can do is break a window. Or something while he’s being kicked around.”
“Amy, that’s not the point. We shouldn’t doing this, should we? I mean, we should be doing something? Like-like-“
“We are doing something, Will. We’re cheering the teams on.”
“Oz, I feel that we should stop the game.” “That’s a wrong feeling, honey.”
“Huh? Why is that a wrong feeling? What makes it a wrong feeling?”
“It’s wrong because if we try and stop the game, we’re not going to get the satisfaction that Buffy’s dad wasn’t kicked around like he should be.”
“And besides, do you really want to go up against all of B’s relatives? I may be the Slayer, but I ain’t stupid.”
“Faith’s making logic? Oh, Goddess! I’m so proud of her. Now if only she can remember that she’s not supposed to leave her clothes on the floor, I would be eternally grateful.”
“Shut up, Amy before I hurt you.” “You’re really scaring me.”
“Look at it this way, honey. As long as Buffy doesn’t know that were here cheering her family on-“
“Uh-oh. Too late. There she is.” “Hey, witch? Want to make a bet that Buffy ain’t walking away with her dad?”
“Faith, shut up before I turn you into a chocolate bar. Think about it. If Buffy catches us here, we’re history. Do we hide behind her family or do we-“
“I’m beginning to see your point, roomie. So what? Willow-” “I have no clue. I might be her maid of honor, but-“
“Well, I’m kinda opting for the spectator thing.” “I think the hair dye melted your brain, Wolfboy.” “Oz-“
“No, no. Listen. It’s a really good idea. We’re doing our best to protect her dad, Owen and Scott. I mean, what can we do against a whole bunch of witches, spellcasters, were-animals and all around general bad asses? Even Angel’s scared to death of them. Not that he’s alive, but you know what I mean.”
“True, but I’m more scared of Buffy than I am of her relatives. Think we should leave quietly? I really don’t feel like getting dismembered by her…” “My, God, Faith! You really ARE improving your vocab!” “Shut up Amy.”
“Can we really get back to the fact that Buffy is going to dismember us if she sees us?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“ANGEL!” “Yes, sweetheart?”
“What do you think you’re doing kicking my father around?” “Well-“ “I think that he’s on the winning team-“
“Whistler! Shut up! Angel-“ “Would rather he be on the losing team?” “Whistler, don’t antagonize her. Honey-“
“Whistler, you’re going to fit inside that dorky hat in one second and you haven’t seen me antagonized. Angel-“
“Yes, sweetheart?” “What the hell are you doing?”
“Umm, playing soccer? You know, what the Europeans call ‘football’? A game-”
“I KNOW what it is, Angel, but why are you playing with my father as the ball?”
“Because I’m bonding with him?” “Yeah, that’s a good answer, Brood Boy.”
“Whistler, shut up.” “Hey, I was only trying to help, Angel. No need to bite me.”
“I wouldn’t bite you if you were the last demon on earth.” “Don’t try to flatter me.”
“Oh, stop flirting with Poofy the Demon here and let’s get on with the game, shall we?”
“Spike, shut up.” “You shut up, Slayer. We’re trying to have a game here and you’re holding us all up!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Oh, dear. It looks like there’s going to be a brawl soon. How exciting. Just like the last World Cup.”
“Grandpa G, you think this is exciting? You should try to be here when the Hellmouth opens up.”
“Or when Faith is trying to clean her room.” “Very funny, Amy.”
“I thought so…who do you think is going to throw the first punch?”
“Looks like Spike is about to…” “I don’t think so, Oz. He’ll just goad Buffy into doing it.”
“Why do you say that, Willow?” “Indeed, it looks as if he is trying to goad her. I wonder why?”
“Well, Aunt Eugenia, Grandpa Giles, because Spike knows if he throws the first one, he’ll have everyone on him so fast and made into a pile of dust. But if Buffy or Angel throws the first…”
“Then he can say that he’s defending himself. And here I didn’t think that vampires are so tricky.”
“See? You learn a new thing everyday, Uncle L.” “Hey, check it out, looks like Cordelia and Xander are here.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“This reminds me, Smith…does Elizabeth know that only Rupert has the word that can change the turd back to his normal annoying self before the wedding?”
“You think that I’d actually tell her that?”
“Hmm… good point. So then, the only people that know this are us and her friends-“ “Who aren’t going to tell her.”
“Rupert and Angel-“ “Who both want a chance to kick the turd around before the wedding.”
“Spike-“ “Who loves a good game of football and a chance to hurt the turd.”
“James, Thomas, Eugenia, and Lawrence-“ “Who are don’t even care if the turd never changes back.”
“Joyceln-“ “Oh. Jack. Well-“
“Joyceln knows that Rupert-“ “Well, yeah. Could never keep a secret from her-“
“*sigh* So where is my niece?” “She’s right now working on Rupert to change the turd back-“
“Working on him? What-” “If you don’t mind, I really don’t want to speculate how she’s working on him.”
“Hmm… yes. I understand what you mean. And was that Elizabeth bellowing again?”
“Sounds like it.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“My, Xander looks quite green. He looks almost as green as you when you get a hangover like that, Thomas.”
“Father! You drink to excess?!?” “Good Heavens, Father! I never thought you drank!”
“Occasionally I do, Eugenia, Lawrence. No need to be shocked. It’s usually your grandfather that leads me astray.”
“Doesn’t he, Grandfather James? Xander could never hold his drink, even when we were kids.”
“As long as he doesn’t upchuck, we’re cool.” “Faith, you want to be turned into a rat?”
“Ah, stifle the spell, roomie, unless you want to be popped.” “Want to see who’s quicker? Your arm or my spell?”
“Now, girls. You’re behaving like the turd-“ “Father! There’s no need to be insulting towards them!”
“My apologies, Eugenia. Faith and Amy, you two will behave. No need to behave like ruffians in polite company.”
“Fine. Oh, look! Smith’s getting into it!” “Oh, for heavens sake!” “Go get him, Eugenia!”
“Really, Grandfather James!” “Oh, do stop being a stick in the mud like your father, Lawrence.”
“Hey, people. God, I feel green.” “Well, you kinda look it too.” “Thanks Will.”
“Hey, is Miss Likes-to-Fight starting another fight again?” “Nope, at least I don’t think so, Cordelia.”
“But you’re just in time for the start of Round One.” “Oh. Any popcorn?” “Please don’t mention food.”
“Hey, as long as we’re not mentioning food, we could say how oysters taste like when they-OW!”
“Faith, you tease Xander like that, they’ll have to call up a new Slayer. Got it?”
“No. I can tease Xander if I want to-“ “Not if you want to live. Only one that teases him is moi! Queen C!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Hey, gorgeous. What-” “Dante, don’t you dare get into this argument.”
“Okay, that’s a change from the usual ‘Hello, my handsome and wonderfully talented husband’ greeting you usually give me.”
“Hello, my handsome and wonderfully talented instigating, busybody of a husband. If you exasperate the situation in the middle of the field right now, I will have to take measures.”
“Well, that’s a new switch. I’ve never been called a busybody before.” “Always a first time, my boy.”
“Thanks, Uncle Aaron. You’re such a wise man to tell me this.”
“You’re welcome, and yes, I am. And now I shall show you the true wisdom of my years and experience as a married man and leave you two alone to discuss how you shall not interfere with the near brawl that Spike and Elizabeth are going to have.”
“Near brawl? You mean that they’re not-“ “Dante, I mean it-“
“Genie, sweetheart. Light of my life, what makes you think that I’m going to go over there, to further instigate an angry feeling that my enraged goddaughter already has against Spike and her now in-real-deep-fubar Angel?”
“Your left dimple is twinkling and the skin around your scar is pink. Two sure signs of trouble in you.”
“Gee, thanks. Now I know what to hide when I want to start making trouble. Come on-”
“No. You now what Joyceln asked us to do-“
“I know, I know. Make sure that Butterfly and Spike and everyone else don’t feed, damage the furniture and each other. And for all of us to play nicely together-“
“Which I am sincerely beginning to think that you never told her the little detail that we were going to be using the turd as the ball in our little football game-“
“Detail, details. Always details. You honestly think that I wouldn’t tell Jack that we going to use the turd?”
“Yes.” “Darling, I am just shocked at how well you think you know me-“
“Dante-“ “Sweetheart, I told her I was going to take Buffy shopping and everyone else was going to play a game-“
“Dante, did you tell her that we were going to use the turd for our game?“ “Well-“
“I’ll take that as a no. Dante, how could you? You deliberately lied to Joyceln that we were going to use the turd as the ball we were going to use and you-”
“I didn’t lie! How did I lie? I never told her! How is that a lie? I was about to take Buffy shopping!”
“But you didn’t tell Joyceln that we were going to use the turd as the football equipment! It’s a lie by omission!”
“And this is a bad thing? Where is the bad thing that we’re using the turd for a game? Where is the wrong in not telling Jack what we were doing with the turd? She has enough on her plate! Planning the wedding, keeping Buffy calm, Angel sane, the children out of trouble and Spike non-homicidal. And I won’t even start about how your brother is trying to show how good a husband he is to the Carruthers. Where is the bad in not telling her that Hank is the soccer ball that we’re using? And why am I starting to talk like Buffy?”
“Details again. Why bother her with the details? Especially when she needs to rest for the wedding, not that she’s getting much since she’s with your brother right now, and now that she’s expecting a new-new-“
“A new what? Baby?” “Oh, I’m feeling queasy…” “Take a deep breath. Breath, husband just breathe…”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Oh dear. Looks as if Dante is about to faint again. And on top of Eugenia.” “Lawrence, I think you may-“
“Father, Dante weighs at least a stone more than Rupert and if I even try to carry him-“
“And if he falls on your sister, he will squish her like a bug. And you shall have no sister.”
“Yes, that would be quite a dilemma, wouldn’t it?” “Lawrence-“
“Well, if he falls, I am NOT going to help move him. Man’s as tall as a tree!” “You’re all heart, Cordy.”
“Then maybe you should go help him, Xander.” “I think that if I bend, I’ll coat him with my stomach lining.”
“Gross! I can’t believe that you said that!” “I dare to do many things around you, Cordy.”
“Xander, that was so not needed. I mean, ew.”
“Willow, let me remind you that it was you in fifth grade that told me there are certain scorpions that spit out venom before they eat their prey. Long before X-Files and Giles told me about it.”
“That was for your science project!” “Yeah, but I still really didn’t need to know about the gory details!”
“Well, both of you can calm down now. It seems that Dante has regained his color…I hope.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Feel better?” “Much.” “How long will it take you to get used to the idea that Joyceln is pregnant?”
“At least nine months. But I’ll get over it quicker if I threaten your brother.” “Dante-“
“Yeah, figured you wouldn’t let me. And Jack would probably murder me.” “Yes, she would.”
“Course if I kicked the turd around a bit, it’d help even more-“ “Dante-“
“Genie, sweetheart. Exercise is supposed to be good for a man my age. And kicking the turd around is very therapeutic. Honest. Been doing it for years. I always feel better after I smack Hank around a bit.”
“Dante-“ “Genie-“ “Dante-“ “Genie.”
“Husband, you are not kicking the turd, if Joyceln find out you lied to her, she’ll hurt you.”
“Fine, I’ll behave. But I won’t like it one bit. Can I at least referee the game? It’ll be the only fun that I’ll have…”
“Fine, you do that, husband. And if you’re really good at being a referee, and not let the players kick him around as much-“
“Not kick him around as much? That’s not a lot of fun, Genie! In fact, I think we should add the rule that they should kick him as much as they want-“
“I’ll wear something extra special to make it up to you. Something that Joyceln gave me this morning.”
“Is this a bribe? Because if it is, you have my attention.” “What would you say if I said yes?”
“I LOVE your bribes. And you’ve been taking prevaricating lessons from Jack, haven’t you?”
“Who me? Not yet. But I’m working on it.”
“Just lovely. Now I’ll really be twisted around three little fingers. And I used to be such a bad ass sorcerer…”
“You still are…for a sorcerer that knows his wife holds the Keys to Paradise, has a goddaughter can kick his ass and has a sister-in-law that knows his every embarrassment.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Now, girls. Stop this bickering at once! Willow, stop-” “Why? It’s their only way of showing affection.”
“Willow-“ “Like she has any power over these two, Grandpa G-man. Please.”
“Xander, you want me to describe in vivid detail how you get veal?”
“Uhhh-No.” “Then do be quiet.” “Okay.” “Willow, just please stop them before it turns into a blood bath.”
“Jeez, you really talk like Giles, you know that, Uncle Lawrence? Okay, if you and Faith don’t stop fighting Cordelia, I’m gonna turn you two into a bunch of sticks and use you for firewood.”
“I think Buffy’s Mom is trying to convince him to get Dante to make Buffy’s dad back into a person.”
“*snort* Yeah, right. Betcha that they’re-“ “FAITH! Really don’t need that mental image again!”
“Oh, right. Sorry, Xander, forgot that you caught them in the act. So when do you think they’re gonna show up, Wolfboy? Before or after?”
“Giles said before the wedding. But how long before the wedding, I have no clue.”
“Can we get off the subject of Giles and Buffy’s mother? I’m getting a mental image again.”
“Think Eugenia’ll stop Dante? Oops. Too late, Smith’s only glaring at Aunt Eugenia. Or will Angel give in to Buffy and stop the game?”
“Or will there be a free for all? Like there, usually is when Buffy’s around.” “Cordeila-“ “All right, all right.”
“Or will Whistler be whistling ‘Dixie’? What do you think roomie?”
“Guys, if we ain’t making a betting pool on it, then I ain’t gonna be speculating. But three out five that someone’s gonna get on the floor.”
“I’d rather like to know Giles and Mrs.G are going to show up. Any takers?”
“Oz? I’d really not speculate on that one. Been traumatized enough.” “Well, I told you not to go in there!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Rupert, not that wasn’t wonderful. But we really have to get out of bed. Mmm, a little lower. Yes! There! You’re such a good back scratcher, darling.”
“Thank you, sweetheart. Hmm…I suppose that we should show up for the football game before it’s over…but I think that you need your rest for tomorrow night’s ceremon-”
“Football game? What football game?” “Er, ahh…did I say football game?”
“Rupert…what is going on? What football game?”
“Well, darling. There is a football game going on downstairs, in the dining room. My, you smell nice, darling.”
“Mmm… Wait! Stop trying to change the subject…With whom?”
“I’m not trying to change the subject! I just said that you smell wonderful and I see nothing wrong with-“
“Rupert, you always try and change the subject by starting off that I smell nice or look lovely or something, and then you start touching me and I lose my train of thought. Sometimes I let you get away with it, other times I don’t. Now, who’s playing football in the dining room?”
“Your family, Angel, Spike, Whistler and I believe Dante. Shall we have another-”
“And where are your family, Oz, Willow, Amy, Faith, and Buffy?”
“I believe they’re all spectators, except Buffy. I think she’s trying to work on Dante…”
“To a football game? Buffy doesn’t like football-“ Then she’ll like this one even less.” “What did you say?”
“Nothing, sweetheart. Perhaps we should get up now-Oof! Darling? Not that I don’t love every part of you but your knee is-“
“My knee is not moving until I know what’s going on! And you’re not leaving this bed until I know why Buffy’s going to like football even less… no. Not American football…European football….SOCCER?!? They’re playing soccer in the resort dining room?!? RUPERT! How-you- you let them play soccer in the dining room?“
“Well, yes. But you’re the one that gave them permission, darling.” “I did not!”
“Yes, you did. You said that you didn’t care what anyone did as long as the three rules were in effect and everyone should play nicely together. Well, they are doing that, love. They’re having a nice game of football.”
“But why are they playing soccer in the- oh no. No. They’re not-not Hank. They’re not using HANK. Tell me that they’re not using Hank!”
“All right. They’re not using the turd.” “RUPERT!” “Darling, I think you just shattered my eardrum.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Hey! Don’t talk to Buffy that way!” “Shut up, Peaches. You’re both holding up the game.”
“Screw you, Spike, let me handle Buffy.” “Oh, piss off. You couldn’t even handle her when if she were dead.”
“Hey! Stop talking as if weren’t here!” “Shut up Slayer and just pass over the turd so we can get on.”
“Shut up, Whistler. Buffy-” “ANGEL! You are not using my dad to play this stupid game!”
“Yes, we are, sweetheart. Now pass your father, honey.” “Yeah, pass it, Slayer.”
“No, you’re not-“ “Then give him back to me, you’re holding up the game.” ‘Shut up, Spike.”
“ANGEL! I am not letting you kick my father around like a-like a soccer ball!”
“Honey, he IS a soccer ball…” “That’s NOT the point! He’s my dad-“
“True, but he’s also a soccer ball. And a turd. And a few other things I could say but won’t because he’s going to be my father-in-law.”
“Angel-“ “Buffy, if you love me, you’re going to have to pass your father so we can finish the game…”
“Oh, hell. Now you’ve done it, poof! You’re gonna get the Slayer mad!” “Smiley, that wasn’t the thing to say…”
“If…you…love… me…? WHAT?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Looks like the situation is becoming even more-“ “Violent? Dangerous? Deadly?”
“To use those blunt words, Cordelia, yes.” “Cordelia is nothing if blunt, G-man senior.”
“Xander, shut up before I use a blunt instrument to hurt you. We’re used to violent, dangerous and deadly situations. Miss Slayer-To-Be-Married over there gets to be like that. But usually it’s been Faith that makes the fights now.”
“Is not!” “Is too!” “You want a knuckle sandwich?” “Like that’s an original line!” “How about-“
“Oz, do something! Make them stop fighting!” “You’re not asking much, sweetheart. Amy-”
“Don’t even think that I should get between these two.” “Oh, dear. Will they resort to fisticuffs?”
“Well, before this becomes an even more violent, deadly and dangerous situation here-Hey! Chocolate! And a book? Who’d want to read a book here? A book of –cool! Limericks!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“I still don’t see why we have to stop your rest so that we can rescue the turd. It’s not as if they’re harming him by playing football.”
“Rupert, darling, let me put it this way in a VERY condensed version: Hank gets kicked. Buffy finds out. Buffy is upset. Buffy runs to Mom. Mom gets upset. Mom will have to spend night with upset daughter. You are sleeping on the couch in the study when we get home. Is that clear?”
“Unfortunately.” “Shall we go get the turd now?”
“By all means. And I reserve the right to kick him at least once before I change him back.”
“But Rupert-“ “I mean it, Joyce. If he’s going to spoil my fun in being human, then I want a chance to kick him.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything to that.” “Oh. Then what were you going to say?”
“That I needed you to set him up before I kicked him.” “Oh.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Shut up, guys. Buffy, that came out wrong-“ “Damn right it did you bloody Nancy boy! She’s gonna blow…”
“I am so out of here.” “Whistler, you move one step, I’m gonna use my father-in-law to bean you-“
“That came out-If I love you I have to-ANGEL! Don’t you dare bring our love into this!”
“I wasn’t trying to bring our love into this! I was trying to-to-“
“Get staked before your wedding?” “Shut up Whistler!”
“Or be permanently gelded and then staked?” “Spike, you want to sing falsetto permanently?”
“You and what army’s gonna do that, poof?” “Hey! I’m still talking here! Pissed off Slayer is here!”
“Oh, piss off Slayer and pass over the turd.” “Must be something in the blood, you’re as nuts as he is!”
“Whistler, keep it up and I’ll make sure that you fit in that lame hat of yours!”
“Hey, lay off the hat! It’s a classic!” “Yeah, it’s a classic all right.”
“Knock it off you two, else I’ll knock you both out. Buffy-” “Hand over the turd, Slayer-“
“Poof, you are not getting anywhere with this-this Slayer of yours. Now be the real demon I know you are inside and threaten her.”
“Spike, the day I hand my dad over to you is the day I drop dead.” “Well, if that’s the case then-“
“Threaten her and I’ll kick your ass right through those hotel windows, Spike.”
“You couldn’t even kick a fly off the roof with one arm tied behind your back, Angelina. So poof away.”
“Buffy, are you going to deny me the right to kick my father-in-law around when he doesn’t know about it?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Now, ladies-“ “Uncle Lawrence, keep out of this. This floozy-“ “Floozy! Who you calling ‘floozy’? You call girl!”
“Oz, this is getting nasty!” “I know.” “Amy-“ “I can change them into something-“ “Nope. Let me handle it-“
“Oz? Are you sure?” “Yes, Oz, can you handle these two-“ “Grandpop G, just watch me.” “Grandpop G?”
“Hey Faith! Cordelia! If you two get into a cat fight now, you’re both going to be in trouble!”
“Keep out of this Oz! This floozy has gone too far!” “Yeah, bees wax, Wolvie!”
“Nope, can’t do that. I owe it to Buffy’s wedding pictures.” “What have they got to do with-“
“Well, Cordelia, if Faith rearranges your face for the wedding, Buffy’ll kill us. And Faith, if you need a lot of make up to cover up the bruises, Buffy’ll kill us. This can wait after the wedding, can’t it?”
“Not really-“ “I can manage with the make up-“
“Yeah, but then you’ll make the turd think that he was right about us and then-well, who wants the turd to be right?“
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Amy, you think that they’ll listen?” “You got a better idea? What’s Xander doing?”
“Reading Owen’s stuff I think…” “Figures he’d be in his own little world.”
“Point taken.” “Okay, truce for now.” “Now kiss and-“ “Oz-” “Don’t push it Wolfboy.”
“Now, let’s see…what’s the first…Ah! ’There once was a girl from Sunnydale, Her cheeks were hearty and hale, Buffy was her name, and when met things were never the same, So lovely was this girl from Sunnydale…’ Limericks about us? Cool! Hey, another! ‘There was a librarian named Giles, Who liked to read and files, He was English-born and bred, And it was Buffy’s mother he wed, So now he’s a married librarian named Giles.’ Well, that was a summary. Wonder who else he has here…”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Yes, I am going to- Hey! Don’t you look away from me when I’m mad at you!“ “Sorry, honey. I thought-I heard-”
“Bloody hell, now the poof’s losing his mind.” “Hey, built up of dead sperm will do that to you.”
“If the two of you don’t shut up, my stake will be shoved up your asses so hard-“
“Kinky, Bombshell. I didn’t-OW! What was that for, Angel?”
“It was a prelude to a murder, Whistler. Yours. Got it?” “Yeah, yeah. Think clean.”
“Now, Buffy. We really need to get on with the game-“ “Not with my father!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“’There is once was a blonde named Amy, Who always looks the same to me, With the exception of her hair, She changed it with flair, And now she’s a brunette named Amy.’ Well, that was kinda mundane…”
“Xander what the hell are you reading?”
“I dunno, Cordelia. I picked up this book here and found it about a bunch of poems and limericks. Hey! There’s one about you! Listen: ‘Cordelia was the name of a girl in Sunnydale, Whose face was as lovely as the moon was pale, But when she opened her mouth and spoke, Her voice made me want to give my eyes a poke, So I avoid Cordelia from Sunnydale.” Uh, honey-”
“GIVE ME THAT BOOK! Let me see this!” “Hey! I was reading it! And-“ “I am SO going to kill him!” “Who?”
“Owen! But…hey! Here’s what he said about Angel! ‘There’s a guy named Angel, Who wore so much mousse his hair started to gel, He’s marrying Buffy, A girl very warm and not at all fluffy, So, why is she marrying a guy with a girl’s name like ‘Angel’?…Well, THAT was so not stimulating.”
“Hey! One about me! ‘There was a guy named Xander, Who liked to look and gander, Some times he acted quite insane, And his talk was inane, This strange guy called Xander’ What a lousy poet!! I can’t believe he-“
“No, that’s not my-my-“ “What?” “XANDER! THAT’S SCOTT THAT YOU”RE EATING!!!” “WHAT?!?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“I think that you’re overreacting, honey. I mean he’s a soccer ball right now who isn’t even are he’s a soccer ball-“
“That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know what’s going on around him! He said he DREAMED that you guys were in his room last night! That you guys were playing poker-”
“Did he know who had the winning hand?” “Spike, shut up before I stake you-“ “Just wanted to know.” “Don’t.”
“Fine, if you’re going to be so nasty about-what the HELL was THAT?”
“WILLOW!!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Bloody hell! What now?” “Rupert! That was Willow screaming! And Buffy-hurry!”
“Joyce! You don’t have to run-“ “But the scream-it was-“
“It’s daylight, darling. And, I’m sure that whatever happened was just another effect that the turd has on your family and any modicum of serenity that anyone has gained before Buffy’s marriage-”
“Rupert, you are going to be sleeping on the couch in our room if your cute butt doesn’t start moving.“
“Oh, bloody hell. All I wanted was a nice small wedding for her, but no. Buffy and you just HAD to make it a big wedding. And then the turd just had to come and guilt Buffy. Bloody hell, I should have given in to Angel’s pleas and driven us all to Las Vegas. All this running is making me tired. Wait a min- you think I have a cute butt?"
“Rupert! Not now!” “You mentioned it!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT I’M EATING SCOTT?!? What’s going on? Buffy! What’s-who-ARGH!”
“Easy, Xander! Oz, what’s-Willow, what-“ “Buffy! Look at Xander’s hand!”
“What-HOLY MOTHER OF- XANDER! What did you do to that chocolate bar?!?” “Eat it?”
“THAT’S SCOTT!” “What’d you mean that it’s Scott! It is not Scott! Scott is a-“
“Amy changed him into a chocolate bar, Xand-man.” “She-Amy-Chocolate bar? ~* Bleech Bleech*~ UGH! I-”
“Oh, gross. Xander, you’re going to have to sanitize your mouth before you kiss me again.”
“Oh, you mean that he doesn’t do it after he’s been with you?”
“Faith, at least he doesn’t have to get a full physical including blood tests after he’s been with me.”
“And you call ME an-“ “Spike! Shut up! Amy, is he-” “I dunno, I just dunno know-I-”
“I just wanted to say that the boy here-“ “Spike, just shut up and leave!”
“Why the bloody hell should I leave? He’s the one that cannibalized your past beau. So what have you got to be upset about?”
“That’s not the point, Spike! Yeah, I wanted to pulverize the little twerp, but-” “So what’s the problem?”
“Angel, shut up before I hurt you. Spike-“ “Are you going to let us play football?”
“Spike, keep it on track! Xander just ate my-” “Yeah, so? Who really cares?”
“Girls! What’s wrong?” “Mom! Giles! Xander just ate Scott!” “WHAT?!?” “Buffy, what’s-“
“Uncle Dante! Aunt Eugenia! You’ve gotta do something! Xander just ate Scott!”
“Oh, lovely. This is lovely. What do you want me to do?” “Fix him! Cure him! Make Xander regurgitate him!”
“Honey, you know that you’re rhyming-“ “And that’s an absolutely disgusting thought, Buffy.”
“So is cannibalism but Xander just did it!” “*moan* I feel so sick…Scott’s giving me indigestion…”
“Puppy eyes, you upchuck on my shoes and I’ll-“ “You’ll what, Whistler? Sniff me to death? Please! ~* moan *~”
“No, I’ll spoon feed it back into you.” “That’s gross, Whistler!” “Red, leave me alone.”
“Buffy-“ “Dante, I don’t think he ate Scott…” “Give me a sec, Gennie. Buffy-“
“Uncle Dante, you have to put him together! You’ve got powers!“ “Buffy, even I can’t put Humpty Dumpty back!”
“Rupert-“ “One second, Eugenia. Buffy, if you want Xander to regurgitate, it will not work-he must vomit.“
“Buffy-“ “One sec. What’s the difference? It’s still going to be coming out as a projectile mess!” “True, but-“
“Man, I can’t believe I ate Scott. Deadboy-“ “Xander, you call me that again-“ “Angel-“
“One sec, Aunt Eugenia. And I will personally dissect you. With my bare hands.” “Can I help?” “Shut up, Spike!”
“Joyce-“ “Yes, Eugenia? Xander, do you want to stick your finger down your throat or-“
“XANDER DID NOT EAT SCOTT!!”
“What-“
“Eugenia!”
“Huh?”
“How-“
“IF YOU ALL WILL JUST LISTEN!” “We’re listening!” “Yeah!” “So I didn’t eat Scott? I’m not a cabal?”
“The word is cannibal, Xander.” “Like that matters, Uncle Larry.” “Uncle Larry?”
“Too bad, there goes the bloody dissection.” “Bugger off, Spike.”
“You want me to tell Mum what you said?” “You do that and I’ll eviscerate you while you sleep.”
“Kinky. Never knew that love talk between two vamps-” “SHUT UP, WHISTLER!”
“Whistler, if any of my in-laws hear what you just said, so help me…I will make sure that YOU get so-so-“
“Brooded to death?” “Spike-“ “Buggered to death?” “SPI~ke-” “Buffy-ed to death?”
“Hey! I wouldn’t mind-OW!” “Whistler-“ “Stopping now.” “Good, Spike, if you don’t stop, you’re dust.”
“Fine. But when are going to start playing football again?” “Spike, shut up-“
“Oh, Buffy off, Poof and get the turd.” “Buffy off?” “Yeah, go and get it on with the Slayer and-“
“If you PLEASE! Xander didn’t eat Scott because this, is the wrapper from MY Cocoa-bar! Scott is right here, a bit battered, but in the palm of my hand. He was on the floor. Must have dropped out of the book-”
“Thank God! I’m feeling my stomach settle.” “You are so lucky, Xander. But you still have to rinse your mouth a gazillion times before I kiss you again.”
“Yeah, be happy we didn’t have to give you a laxative or an anal probe.” “You’re all heart, Faith.”
“Well, if no one’s gonna dissect anyone, I’ll go and make me own fun. Hey, there, turd!”
“What’s a ‘Cocoa-bar’, Grandpa G?” “It’s a chocolate bar, Amy.” “Couldn’t she just say that in English?”
“What book?” “The Owen book-“ “What’d I miss? Owen wrote a book?”
“No, Xander, Owen IS a book. Of bad poetry.” “Owen is a book?” “Yep.”
“Hey, Spike! Where you going?” “Piss off, Whistle boy. I’m sneaking off and gonna kick the turd around again.”
“Okay. Oz? Was there a tornado while we were drinking and did I go over the rainbow? Because I’m lost and your wife is not making any sense. Ow! What was that for?”
“To give you your sense of direction back. Amy turned Owen into a book and Scott into a chocolate bar. And, you already know that the turd is now the soccer ball…which is now missing-Buffy, you’re dad’s gone again.”
“Oh. Where’s Daddy?” “I don’t know, honey. Rupert-“ “Like I care about where the soccer ball from hell is.”
“Giles!” “What? You know that I never approved of you father, so I’m not going to start now!”
“Rupert-“ “Darling, if you’re asking me to have kind thoughts about the turd, you may as wait until the Hellmouth-“
“Don’t say it, Rupert, it just might happen given our luck.” “Can we throw the turd in it or will it get indigestion?”
“Uncle Dante!” “Butterfly, why do you think I call him turd?” “Mom-“ “Where’s Liam? And Whistler?”
“Oh, NO! SPIKE! Angel-“ “All right, we’ll find them and your dad and finish our game-“ “Angel!”
“If that’s the case, I’ll help find the blighter-“ “GILES!” “What? I said I’ll help find your dad!”
“Maybe I should change them back now-“ “Hold on, Amy! I’ve got to read this to everyone!” “Cordelia-”
“WHAT?!?”
“Shush! ‘She’s as smart as a whip, And can come out with a quip, So don’t disturb the gentle Willow.’ Is that such a lame one? Here’s one about Buffy-”
“Cordelia, give me the lame book.” “What was so lame about that? I thought it was kinda nice.”
“Nothing, but no one’s going to comment on your skin unless it’s me.” “Oz, that is so sweet!”
“Angel! You’re not-” “Yes, we are. I need to get all this frustration out after what he made me promise.“
“Shush! Ohh boy! Listen! ‘I wish Buffy and I could go to Nantucket, So we could be together in a nice warm glue in a bucket, Her skin is like-‘HEY!“
“WHAT THE HELL DID HE WRITE ABOUT BUFFY?!?” “Oh, lord, here we go again!” “ANGEL! CHILL!”
“Deadboy, that’s a human being you have in your hands right there!” “Screw off, Xander!” “Angel-“
“Buffy, did you read what this-this-“
“Completely lame ass would-be poet who has absolutely no talent in writing anything remotely romantic? Or even knows how to write a decent sonnet?”
“Thanks, Cordelia.” “You’re welcome.” “Buffy, he had no right-“ “As if I can’t defend myself from his passes!”
“HE MADE PASSES AT YOU?!?“ “IN HIGH SCHOOL!” “WHAT?” “I can’t believe it!”
“OWEN made passes at you in HIGH SCHOOL?!? Buffy, you never told me this!” “ “Will-“
“Owen made a pass at Buffy? Always knew you were a bit loose in high school, Buffy. Throwing yourself at guys-”
“Least I didn’t have my number on the walls of the boy’s bathroom or locker room.” “Hey! It wasn’t the-“
“Oh, what’s this? Queen C was nothing more than a floozy in high school? Well-” “Faith, I was-“
“Owen made a pass at you in high school?” “Angel, it was before I was dating you!” “Like that matters-“
“GIRLS! ANGEL! THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH! Now past is past and no use in going over cold coals-“
“What’s Giles saying, Buffy?” “Like I know what metaphors he’s using?” “Buffy-“ “Keeping it quiet, Giles.”
“Now, let us please have a sense of decorum before the wedding. Amy, will you change Scott and Owen back-“
“But, G-man! Don’t you want to read-“ “Xander-“ “About what he wrote about you?” “Xand- he wrote about me?”
“Rupert-“ “Yes, quite right. We really don’t want to know what the-“ “The HELL, we don’t, Tweed. I want-OW!”
“Husband, behave. Else you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.” “Behaving.“
“Joyce, did you notice that the couch seems to be an effective deterrent for-“ “Rupert-“ “Behaving.”
“All right, so if Amy’s going to change Scott and Owen back, Uncle Dante, you have to change Daddy back-“
“Buffy, honey. I told you. I can’t change your dad back before the wedding. It’s not-what the hell was THAT?“
“Rupert-“ “Joyce, no. Not until I’m good and ready to have one swift kick against the blighter myself. And-what was THAT?!?”
“That sounded like a crash!” “In the lobby!” “DADDY!”
“Daddy? Is B going nuts?” “Don’t think so, roomie. Seems lately, if there’s a crash, there’s a turd.”
“Succinctly put, Amy.” “Thanks Grandpop G.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Oh, bloody hell. Now look at what you did, you little panser! You just had to kick it- ”
“Oh, like it was entirely my fault! If you hadn’t passed it that way-
“Oh my Lord. What have the two of you done-” “DADDY!” “Oh, great going guys.”
“LIAM! WHISTLER! What’s going on? What happened? Are you two all right?”
“What on earth is going on? And why is Hank all the way up there?”
“IT WAS HIS FAULT!” “You two kicked my FATHER up into the chandelier?!?”
“Ow! Bloody hell Slyer! It was Whistler’s fault!” “Was not! It was Spike! He passed it wrong! OW!”
“Maybe I should-“ “Rupert Giles, if you even THINK about breaking the spell now-“ “Behaving.”
“Oz, please get me a pitcher of water.” “Yes, ma’am.” “KICK MY DAD AROUND?!?”
“Man, Buffy’s really smack those two.” “Yeah, she’s kicking demon butt. Think I’ll help-“
“Don’t even think of it Faith.” “Why not, Xander?”
“Because Buffy’ll then come after us when she finally realizes we were in the dining room while-“
“Say no more. Keeping out.” “She finally listens to reason!” “Shut up, Amy.”
“I wonder how we’re gonna get Buffy’s father out from the chandelier?” “Beats me. Too bad he can’t stay there.”
“Dante, will you get Buffy’s father out from-“ “Genie, I really don’t want to-“ “The couch.” “Thinking of a way.”
“HEY!” “BLOODY HELL!” “YO!” “I think that this has gone on quite enough!”
“MOM!” “MUM!” “SWEET CHEEKS!”
“SWEET CHEEKS?!?”
“Rupert, No!” “YOU’RE calling my wife ‘SWEET-“ “RUPERT! NO-” “OW!”
“SWEET CHEEKS?!? MY MOTHER?!” “BUFFY! NO-” “ARGH!”
“SWEET CHEEKS?!? ME MUM?! I’M GONNA-” “LIAM, NO!” “~* CHOKE *~!!”
“Oz!” “Here’s another pitcher!” “Hey!” “Bloody Hell!” “Mom!” “~* phew *~! Another bath?”
“Now, that is quite enough from all of you. Buffy, go up to your room and change. Now.” “But-“ “NOW.”
“Liam, up to you room. And don’t you come out until dinner tonight.” “Bloody hell, Mum. I-“ “NOW.”
“Whistler.” “Yes?” “Call me ‘Sweet Cheeks’ ever again and I will personally maim you.”
“Yes, ma’am.” “Up to your room and stay there until dinner.”
“Rupert-“ “Yes?” “You’re on the couch.” “Bloody hell.”
“*snort* Tweed’s on the-“ “Dante?” “Yeah, Jack?” “Don’t make me hurt you.” “Right, Jack.”
“Mom? What about Daddy?”
“I’ll get him down and Rupert, as soon as we get him down, you know what to do.“ “Can’t we-“
“Rupert.” “Fine.” “Amy, reverse your spells as well. I’ve had enough of this ridiculousness.” “Yes, ma’am.”
“Angel? Can you get Buffy’s father down? Without destroying the chandelier?” “I can try, Mrs. G. But I don’t-”
“Oh, Hell. Jack, stand aside and let me zap him down….There. All yours, Tweed. Amy, do your thing.”
“Giles?!? You’re the one that can turn my-“ “NOT now Buffy.” “Mom-“
“Say, who’s that guy in a skirt coming up the lobby?”
“Must I, Joyce? I didn’t even get a chance to kick him.” “Rupert-“
“Whistler, you ass! That’s not a skirt! That’s a kilt! And that’s-”
“You ready to change the two idiots back, Amy?” “Sure, Angel. Just need a few secs.”
“Like there’s a huge difference! All Irish men are Nancy boys ‘cause they all wear skirts!”
“Spike, shut up before I hurt you. And you know that’s Grandda MacGilarvy! You be nice before-“
“Okay, stand back! Faith when I say ‘Now’ you throw them.” Okay.” “NOW!”
“Before what? You kick me? Like THIS?” “DADDY!” “SPIKE!” “LIAM!”
Everyone froze as the saw Hank the Soccer ball bounce off the wall, to the column, to the opposite wall and off the ceiling before it hit another column again and then just fall before it started to roll towards the imposing figure of Grandda MacGilarvy. At the same time, Faith threw Scott the Chocolate Bar and Owen the book in front of her, and to the feet of Buffy’s great-grandfather. “Uh-oh-“
Looking down at the soccer ball, chocolate bar and book, Grandda MacGilarvy then lifted his head and looked at the small horrified group standing before him. He narrowed his eyes as he made out the faces of his family. “Joyceln. Elizabeth. Englishman. What are these things doing here?”
Joyceln smiled at her maternal grandfather weakly. “Well, Grandda. It-“
“Bibbity bobbety boo! I forgive the turd too!” Giles said clearly. Joyce stared at her husband. “Rupert!”
While Amy let loose a bolt of energy at her finger tips as Faith shouted, ”AMY! NO!”
In a huge crack of thunder and cloud of smoke, three figures appeared. “Hey! What the Hell!”
“Daddy! You’re NAKED!” Buffy screamed. Then she felt a hand slap over her eyes. “ANGEL!”
“You’re NOT seeing Own and Scott naked either!” Angel growled at her. From the corner of his eye, he could see Giles covering his wife’s eyes as well. ‘You couldn’t remember that they have no-“
“Bugger off, Angel,” Giles growled. ”All I saw was the only way to metaphorically kick the man.”
“You just couldn’t wait, could you Amy.” Oz said as he held his hand on Willow’s eyes tighter. “Hand is not moving, Will.”
“Xander! You’d better not be ruining my mascara!” Cordelia screeched. Xander simply rolled his eyes.
“What happened?” Scott said groggily, then he felt a breeze. Then he looked down and flushed red, slapping his hands to cover himself. He lifted his head up when he heard a whistle.
“Check out the meatless parts,” Faith said with a wink of her eye. “And you’re a natural blonde, Owen.”
Red-faced, Owen gave her a weak smile as he hands spread even wider. Hank Summers glared at the bane of his life. ”Smith! What the HELL did you do?”
“What makes you think that I did anything, Summers?” Dante shouted back innocently. “You’re the one that wanted to take a walk in the nude.”
Hank was about to shout a blasphemy when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and groaned audibly when he recognized the glaring hazel eyes and ginger colored hair. “So, tell me. Is this what you be doing now, pinhead? Walking around as naked as a jail bird with ye young friends?”
Fin~