In Search of Artichoke
Part 2
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Xander opened the door to the idiot’s suite.”There! Let’s drag it, man. G-man must be taking a shower.”
Oz nodded absently, then froze when he his keen hearing picked up something other than a running shower. He looked towards the bathroom door and heard...Oz stopped pushing his end of the crate as his jaw dropped.
“OZ! Push your end across! It’s still heavy!”Xander ordered as he tugged at the heavy crate.
Oz started pushing it frantically.”Push it towards the balcony! Push it towards the balcony! Quick! We have to hide this thing!”
Xander stared as he saw Oz the jump towards his side, pulling the crate.”Oz! What’s wrong with you? What the-”
Oz winced as Xander gave a startled jump when they heard a bellow coming from the bathroom. Xander raced towards the bathroom.”That was GILES!”
“Xander! No! Don’t go in there!” shouted Oz as tried to tackle his friend. Oz tripped over the edge of the crate, sending him sprawling on the carpet.”Xander!”
Not paying attention to Oz, Xander swung open the bathroom door and ran into the steam-filled bathroom.”GILES! What’s wrong-YIEEE!!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As Spike and Angel got off the elevator carrying their goods, they saw Whistler dragging Amy, and Faith was following behind him. Angel scowled at him.”I thought we said that we weren’t going to involve the girls.”
Whistler snorted.”Change of plans. Faith made sure that I couldn’t count on getting any help from the Carruthers. And Amy knows a locator spell.”
Spike eyed the other Slayer warily.”Oh? What’d she do? Tell Mum’s family about your perverted antics in the sack?”
“More like his perverted antics outside a window,”Faith snorted.”With angels.”
Whistler glared at her.”Faith, if you want to live to your next birthday, I suggest you shut up!”
“What? What happened?”Spike demanded as Angel stared at Faith.
At the same time, Angel asked in a strangled voice.”Faith? What did you say?”
Whistler sighed.”I think we’re in trouble. The Carruthers, well, at least Uncle Aaron and Cousin Nathaniel, think that-well, Faith told them that I was telling them about getting a blow job from an angel out the window. Except-”
“Except what?”Angel growled as he eyed his best man.
Whistler looked at Angel warily.”What do you think they thought when they heard the words: blow job, window and angel?”
Angel shook his head in horror.”Ohhh noo! No! NO! They can’t think that I-that you-That I-NO! FAITH!”
“Oh, yeah! They think that it was Angel that was giving you one,”Spike crowed delightfully as Angel groaned.
“I am NOT making a good impression on these people,”Angel groaned.”STOP LAUGHING SPIKE!”
“And after what I told Mum,”Spike laughed.”She’s not going to be sure either when she talks to-what the hell was that?!?”
Angel’s jaw dropped.”That came from the idiot’s room!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Xander rushed out of the bathroom covering his eyes. He then slammed onto the bed, head first.”I’m blind! I’m blind! I’m scarred! SCARRED!”
Oz was about to say something when Angel slammed open the suite door.”What happened? What’s going on?!?”
As everyone rushed in, battle ready. Xander looked at everyone, dazed.”I’m scarred! I’m in shock! Emergency! Emergency!”
“What happened?”Amy hesitated to ask. Oz smiled weakly at the group.
At the same time, Whistler sniffed the air cautiously.”Smells like someone just had sex in here.”
“You’re not wrong,”Oz coughed.”Better help me hide this thing on the balcony, Angel. Now! Xander is still in shock.”
Angel scowled as he moved the crate.”What happened?”
“XANDER! XANDER! Come here at once!”bellowed Giles as he came out from the bathroom. Everyone stared as they saw the Watcher. His hair was wet, the shirt was not tucked in, and the pants clung to his legs. Giles stopped when he saw Whistler, Faith, Amy, Oz, Xander, Angel and Spike in the room.”Oh, dear. You’re all here? Then you all heard?”
Xander let out a loud moan as Oz answered.”No, they just heard Xander scream when he-well, when he-you know.”
His face flushing red, Giles nodded curtly.”I see.”
Spike then sniffed the air, and his eyes widened as he recognized the scents.”Oh, my-You mean that Ears-”
Faith looked at Spike confused.”What’s going on?”
Giles put up a hand to stop Spike’s words and Faith’s questions, then he quickly turned around and re-entered the bathroom. After a few seconds, he re-emerged and shut the bathroom door tightly, to say stiffly,”Joyce will not leave the bathroom until this room is cleared of all people. Now.”
“You and Mrs.G were boinking in the bathroom?”Faith shouted in surprise. Giles winced as he heard Joyce’s groan through the door. “And Xander saw this?!?”
“Even saw the tattoo on his butt. I’m scarred!”Xander groaned aloud. Heads swung towards the red-faced Watcher.
“YOU HAVE A TATTOO ON YOUR BUTT?!?”Whistler shouted increduously.
Giles glared at the little demon and shoved a fist near his face as he growled,”Do you want to live until the wedding or not? Get out of this room now so that my wife can leave!”
Angel cleared his throat.”All right then-”
“WHAT’S GOING ON!”demanded a voice from the doorway. Giles turned and cringed when he saw several of Joyce’s relatives entering the room.”What is all the screaming about?”
Faith looked at the relatives, still stunned.”Xander saw the G-man was boinking Mrs.G in the bathroom!”
“I’m scarred! I saw-I’m scarred!”Xander repeated over and over again.
“And Tweed has a tattoo on his butt!”Whistler said incredulously to the group.
Giles groaned as he saw the interest on several faces of Joyce’s cousins.”I am going to murder you Whistler...”
“So what does the tattoo say?”asked Aunt Wynn curiously.
“I just want to know how Harbinger was the one that knows about it,”Aunt Zenobia said as she looked at Whistler.
Whistler pointed at Xander.”Wasn’t me that saw it! It was Xander!”
“Indeed,”said Uncle David.”And, if I may ask, how did Xander see the tattoo Rupert has on his posterior?”
As all curious eyes of the Carruthers swung towards Xander, and looked from the moaning boy to the defensive demon to the red-faced man speculatively, Giles buried his face in his hands as Angel coughed.”Looks like I’m not the only one in trouble now.”
“If I may ask what was going on in here?”demanded Cousin Ethan.”Rupert, are you having an orgy in here with Angel, Xander and Harbinger?”
Giles glared at Angel.”I am going to murder your best man...”
Whistler nervously smiled at the group as he herded them out.”Show’s over! And Mrs.G won’t leave until everybody leaves! So back to bed everyone!”
“Joyceln is here?”Uncle Benjamin asked incredulously as he looked around. ”Where is she?”
“I’m in the bathroom, Uncle Benjamin. And I’m NOT coming out,”Joyce called out from behind the door.”Rupert? Be a dear and murder Xander, please.”
“As soon as possible,”Giles promised loudly as he glared at the boy.
Xander shot up off the bed.”HEY! It wasn’t MY fault that you two didn’t lock the bathroom door while you both were...well...I’M SCARRED! Do you THINK I want to go through life remembering that the two you were-And that I got a view of the-”
“XANDER!”Giles barked as he stepped forward.”What we were doing-”
Uncle David cleared his throat loudly.”I think I know why Xander is scarred-”
Spike shook his head,”I KNOW I’m scarred and I haven’t even seen it!”
“Spike! Shut up!”Giles ordered as he glared at him. Then he glared at the still moaning Xander. ”You as well, Xander! Next time-”
Xander yelped,”THERE’S GONNA BE A NEXT TIME?!?”
“XANDER! SIT!”Angel shouted.”We have less than 3 hours!”
“Less than three hours to do what?”Cousin Deanna asked as she looked around the room.”What are you planning to do?”
Spike glared at her as he snarled,”We’re planning to have another all-male orgy in here and butt-fuck-mph!”
“We plan to get very drunk.”Whistler said as he covered Spike’s mouth.”And we-OW! YOU BIT ME!!”
“Then get your fucking hand away from my mouth!”Spike snarled at him, baring his fangs. As Whistler let out a loud roar, he flung himself at Spike. But Angel caught the little demon mid-air.
Holding the struggling demon, Angel looked at the interested Carruthers.”Please leave. We wish to get drunk in the next few hours...Whistler! Stop struggling!”
“Lemme at him!”Whistler snarled as the Carruthers left the small scene in wonder. Angel slapped him upside his head, silencing him.
Then Oz took charge then pointed as he ordered the people around.”Right. Closet.” Pointing at Amy and Faith.”Balcony.”Pointing at Whistler, Spike and Xander. “Mrs.G.”Pointing at Giles.
Everyone moved quickly to the small man’s orders. Giles nodded when the room was cleared. ”Joyce? Darling? You can come out from the bathroom now.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“All right now, these are ready,”Oz said as he handed Angel an artichoke that was bugged and painted. There were fifteen of them.”Start. Xander, ready?”
“Go,”Xander ordered as he worked the tracer. Angel threw a painted artichoke.
“What the hell is this?”Faith demanded as she picked up the guacamole covered socks with two fingers.
Looking at the item in her hand, Whistler coughed.”It’s a pseudo Hank.”
“This doesn’t look like an artichoke,”Faith said skeptically. Spike snorted.
“It was good enough to fool the likes of you.”
“And when was this?”
“When you fems barged in before,”Xander said as he worked his machine.”Now start on the locator spell. Go.”
“Hey! Put an artichoke there just in case Buffy comes in when we’re not here,”Oz ordered as he handed Angel another artichoke. Whistler shrugged as he went over to the balcony to get an artichoke.
“I think we used up all the ones that were the right size as Hank,”Angel said as he got another artichoke from Oz, then threw it when Xander okayed it.
Oz shrugged.”Yeah, but I’m hoping that it’d be enough to fool the Buffster at first glance. I hope. Here, have another.”
As Angel started throwing another of the artichokes, Amy started the locator spell on the bed sheets.”It’s in a dark place...”
“That helps,”Spike snorted as he crossed his arms. Then he noticed when Giles entered the room.”Is Mum tucked away nicely? Is she all right?”
Giles nodded.”She’s fine, but horribly embarrassed. As am I. I had to comfort her, this night has been a sore trial to her so far.”
“I don’t want to hear about you comforting Mum,”Spike snorted as he crossed his arms. “Bloody disgusting that you two would go at it when she’s in the family way.
Giles shook his head at the vampire.”Haven’t you heard? Women like to have more when they are in the family way. ”
Whistler snorted as he put down the binoculars. ”Well, no one told you two to have sex in the shower. Or to have that tattoo on your butt.”
“And no one told Xander to not to come in and yank the shower curtains aside either,”Giles retorted.”Or too look at my bloody arse.”
Xander glared at the older man.”Please! I’m repressing! Go! Next time you and she want to- you know, LOCK THE DOOR! Go!”
“As if there was a need to! No one was here!”Giles sniffed back as he grabbed a pair of binoculars.
“No one but the some of her family,”Spike snorted.”Now THEM I can’t wait to see in the morning!”
Giles groaned.”Please, as Xander said. I am trying to repress the memory.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The woman yawned as she picked up her luggage.”Think that Rupert will be surprised that we’re here, Dante?”
“I think that he’ll be in total shock, Gene,”said Dante as he took the bag from her after giving her a quick kiss. He smiled as her pale cheeks blushed.”But then it was Buffy herself that invited us as well as Jack..”
Three older men approached the couple. The second oldest of the men scowled at Dante.”Must you refer Elizabeth and Joyceln by those horrid nicknames? And while you’re at it, stop calling Eugenia by that name.”
The oldest man laughed as he adjusted his tweed jacket.”I don’t think that you’ll be able to change that habit of Dante’s, Thomas.”
“I have to agree with Grandfather, Father,”the younger man said, his hazel eyes twinkling.”Dante will call Eugenia whatever he wants, like he will with Buffy and Joyce. That means no Elizabeth and Joyceln for him, and to hell with it.”
Dante looked at his brother-in-law.”I think that I’ve finally Americanized you a bit, Larry. Thank god!”
“His name is Lawrence, not Larry,”Thomas gritted out as he lifted his suitcase. His hazel eyes twinkled when he asked his daughter gruffly. ”Eugenia, was it necessary for you to marry him?”
“Indeed it was, Father. It was quite necessary for me to marry him,”Eugenia laughed as she linked arms with her grandfather and father.”Oh, I can’t wait to see Rupert! And Joyce and Buffy and all the others!”
“It’s nearly four in the morning, Eugenia,”Lawrence scolded as he lifted up two suitcases.”Where on earth do you get this energy?”
Eugenia smiled cheekily at her brother.”Dante introduced me to a wondrous drink! I drink coffee!”
Lawrence Giles shook his head at his sister’s enthusiasm as Dante sighed as he lifted another suitcase.”Well, then, let’s go tell him that the Giles family is here for Buffy’s wedding.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Everyone looked down at the sandy beach, then at Xander. Angel crossed his arms as he looked at the younger man.”Well?”
“Well, what? Here are all fifteen artichokes, so the idiotic one should be here somewhere,” Xander said defensively as he looked around.”We’ve combed the entire area, so it has to be around here somewhere.”
“Could it have been washed out to sea?”Faith asked as she pointed at the crashing waves.”We are close to the water.”
Giles shook his head.”No. It’s still high tide. This means that the water cannot reach any higher. Amy, can you do another locator spell?”
“Sure,”said Amy as she prepared herself.”But keep on looking for the idiot.”
Spike simply stood around until Angel punched him.”What was that for?”
“Start looking,”Angel ordered.”It’ll be dawn in little over an hour.”
“So?”Spike said belligerently after he jabbed Angel in the stomach. Angel let loose another punch. Giles and Xander grabbed Spike’s arms as Faith and Whistler grabbed Angel’s.”Hey! Lemme go! Peaches started it!”
“Uh-oh,”Amy said as she stood up. The others looked at her.”Guys, stop fighting!”
“What’s the ‘uh-oh’?” Faith demanded.”What happened?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sid sniffed the air and looked around at his friends.”We’d better hurry. Dawn’s coming soon...”
“Just a few more shrubs to look under,”Pete said as he lifted the branches of one up.”Then I’m ready to call it quits. Finding the Slayer’s Father is not enough incentive to get me into an ashtray.”
“Here, here,”Al said as he echoed the sentiment. Then proceded to lift up a fern.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Amy made a face.”Well, the idiot was here. But he’s not because it hit a vampire.”
“What?”Giles said as he shook his head.”Hank is not here because of what?”
Amy sighed. “Angel managed to hit a vampire on the back of his head. The vampire got mad, so he threw it towards those trees over there. You know, the bunch of trees near the pool.”
Xander threw up his arms.”Wonderful! An artichoke in the forest! Like finding a plant in the exosphere!”
“I see someone’s been brushing up his vocab,”Faith snorted.”Now that’s scary.”
“The vampires are looking for Buffy’s father,”Amy said before they could get into another verbal match.”So what now?”
Angel picked up an artichoke and threw from one hand to another.”Do you know where Buffy’s dad is?”
Amy nodded. “It’s stuck between the branches of a tree. And the vamps are near it. They trying to sniff him out ‘cause it has blood on it.”
Angel glared at the outline of the trees.”Tough shit for them. That artichoke’s ours. Oz, hand me those artichokes. Xander get ready to trace.”
Oz picked one up and looked at it.”They look kinda dirty. The wet paint picked up a lot of sand.”
“No matter, they have just enough for us to see them,”Angel said as he threw an artichoke towards the woods.
As Angel threw another artichoke, Spike snorted.”Famous last words.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sid looked around.”Hey! I can smell it! It’s right about-OW!!”
Al looked at Sid.”What happened? Why did you-OW!”
“Ow!”shouted Pete as he grabbed his head. He looked down.”What the hell? It’s raining artichokes! Ow!”
Sid grabbed his head as another one hit him.”Damn! Must be Pretty boy trying to find the Slayer’s dad. Hurry! Must mean we’re close to him! I smelled him around here somewhere! Ow!”
“Damn these things hurt! Ow!”Al shouted as he sniffed the air frantically.”Up there! The one that hit you is up there, Sid!”
Sid looked up at the tree.”Cover me! I’m getting that thing! Ow! Ow!”
“How the hell are we supposed to cover you? Ow! Ow!”Pete roared as he was pelted by another artichoke.”We can’t-OW! even cover ourselves! OW!”
After a few minutes, Sid climbed down from the tree grinning happily and clutching an artichoke.”GOT IT! Let’s go!”
“What do we do with these things?”Al demanded as he pointed to the scattered artichokes around him.
“Not so fast!”shouted a voice. Sid looked up and then snarled at Angelus standing less than fifteen feet away.”Give me that artichoke!”
“Finder’s keepers!”Sid snarled back at him.”Come on boys!”
As Angel tackled the vampire, the artichoke went flying in the air. Xander came out from the bush screaming as he ran towards it,”Catch that artichoke!”
Turning, Al saw the artichoke and dove for it. It landed in his hands.”Got it! I got the-HEY!”
Oz yanked the artichoke from the vampire’s hands.”I got it! I got the artichoke!”
Oz started to run with it when Al grabbed his ankle. Giles ran to help him by shoving his foot into Al’s face. As Oz started to sprawl away, Pete tackled the small man with the artichoke. ”Gimme that artichoke!”
“Hey! Let the Wolf Boy go!”Whistler shouted as he wrestled with Pete.
The artichoke went flying again....and landed in the pile of artichokes.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Buffy woke up from her bed feeling vaguely uneasy. Shaking her head, she did something she normally didn’t do. She went down to her mother’s suite.”Mom?”
Joyce opened the door.”Hi, honey. What are you doing up at almost five in the morning? What’s wrong?”
“I couldn’t sleep anymore. Feeling a bit, I dunno,”Buffy yawned.”Feels like something’s wrong.”
Joyce sighed as she opened her door wider.”I just woke up myself, and there is something wrong, honey. You’re not going to be happy about this...”
“What is it, Mom?”Buffy asked as she entered the room and her mother shut the door. ”WHISTLER SAID WHAT?!?”
After a few more seconds another shout was heard.”XANDER DID WHAT?!?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Faith and Amy burst out from the bushes to see the prized artichoke land in the pile. Her eyes wide, Faith looked at Giles.”Which one is it?”
“It’s the one without the bug and the paint!”Amy shouted as she ran towards the scattered pile.”Get it!”
“Faith! Angel! Spike! Whistler! Stake the vampires!”Giles ordered as he grabbed an artichoke and found one of the bugs that Angel got from his friend on it.”We’ll find Hank!”
As the vampires fended off Angel, Whistler and Faith, The three males and Amy searched for the missing artichoke. Xander suddenly rose, his hands waving triumphantly. ”I GOT HIM!”
Pete shoved a fist into Faith’s face and charged towards Xander, letting out a huge roar. Holding the artichoke tightly, Xander froze until he heard Giles bellow out at him.”RUN TO THE RESORT! RUN XANDER!”
As Xander started running, Giles raced after Pete. After throwing Angel off him, Al saw a human run after Pete and to raced after the human. Al reached out to grab the human by the neck, but he missed and caught his shirt instead.
As a huge ripping sound echoed through the woods, Sid threw the small demon off his back as he raced after his friend Pete.”Get him Pete! Go!”
“Get away from him!”Angel shouted as he raced after Xander, Sid, and Pete. Oz and Faith raced after Angel.
Giles fell on his back and found himself looking at a puzzled vampire who had the back of his shirt in his hands. Then the vampire exploded into a pile of dust. Coughing, Giles was helped up by Spike.”Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. PLEASE don’t mention it,”Spike said as he walked sedately towards the commotion.”You all right, Watcher?”
Giles nodded, then he sprinted off towards the commotion. Spike shook his head. ”This is a bloody mess. Hey, witch! Why you gathering all the artichokes up?”
Amy looked at him.”Because I don’t trust Xander. And we might need these to throw at the two vamps. Help me!”
Spike shrugged as he lit a ciggarette.”Why should I?”
“Because if you don’t, I’ll tell Mrs.G that you broke her ‘No feeding, No violence Rule’ tonight,”Amy said as she picked up another artichoke and studied it.
Spike scowled at her before he bent down to pick up some artichokes. Amy looked at the artichoke in her hand and her jaw dropped.”Oh, my God! I don’t believe it! Xander got the wrong artichoke!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Holding the artichoke like a football, Xander leapt over the hedges with the vampire hot on his heels. In mid-leap, the vampire tackled him, and both rolled over to the hard concrete near the pool as the artichoke flew towards the colorful lounge chairs.
Sid leapt over the hedges just in time to see the artichoke roll away from the human and Pete. Roaring, he jumped over the two and dove towards the artichoke. With his own loud roar, Angel followed from the bushes and leapt towards Sid.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Buffy looked at her mother stunned.”You mean to tell me that Xander -WHAT WAS THAT?”
Buffy rushed over towards the window, then started out the door. Joyce ran after her.”BUFFY! What’s wrong? What happened?”
“There’s a bunch of vampires near the pool! Angel’s fighting them!”Buffy shouted as she raced down the hall.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Nana Bethie sighed as she got up from her bed and put on her robe. She shook her head as she made her way out to the elevators.”Time for everything to hit the fan...I do wish that these things wouldn’t happen at the middle of the night!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The taxi stopped in front of the Seaside Resort. Dante got out from the front seat and helped his wife, Eugenia formerly a Giles, out of the car as she looked at the building.”My, this place looks lovely.”
Dante shrugged as he looked at it.”It’ll do. I wonder if-what was that?”
Lawrence Giles automatically reached for the stake he held in his coat pocket.“It sounded like a vampire!”
“It’s in the back of the building! Gene! Larry! Get into the resort!”Dante shouted as he raced towards the back of the building.”Take your father and grandfather with you! Now!”
“Like hell with that!”Lawrence Giles snarled as he followed his brother-in-law. “Eugenia! Get Father and Grandfather to safety!”
Eugenia snorted as she raced after her husband and brother.”To hell with that! Father? Grandfather go-”
“Lead on! Eugenia!”shouted Thomas Giles as he followed with a wave of his wooden cane.”Coming, Father James?”
“Lead on! Lead on!”shouted Eugenia’s grandfather.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Pete was about to bite Xander when he was suddenly free. Coughing her looked up at the woman above him.”Thanks, Faith!”
“No prob,”Faith said as she held her stake above her.”Where’s the artichoke?”
Oz and Whistler barreled out from the hedges with Giles, running breathless behind the two. Xander pointed.”There it is! And that vamp is about to get it!”
Pete rolled towards the artichoke under the lounge chairs, and grabbed it.”SID! I Got it!”
Throwing Sid away, Angel looked up then shouted,”DROP THAT ARTICHOKE!”
Still clutching the artichoke, Pete yelped as he saw Angel charge towards him, then the two fell into the pool as Amy burst through the other side of the hedges apart from Spike.”ANGEL! I GOT THE RIGHT ARTICHOKE! I GOT HIM!”
Spinning, Sid turned to attack the girl.”Gimme that artichoke!”
Amy screamed as she saw a vampire charging towards her. Panicking, she started throwing her artichokes at him. As Faith broke into a run to help Amy, Giles shouted,”Which artichoke is it?!?”
Pete rose from the depths of the pool, he spewed out water.”It was the wrong one? Where’s the right one?”
Socking the vampire, Angel roared as he swam towards the poolside,”Where’s that artichoke?”
Pete came up on the other side as Xander dove towards the fallen artichokes, again searching for the right one.”It has to be here! It has to be here!”
Oz and Whistler also dove down on their knees to look at the artichokes.”Where is it? Where?”
Faith grabbed the vampire Sid as it started to grab as many artichokes as he could.”Leave those artichokes alone!”
Sid put his fist into the Slayer’s face.”GIMME THOSE ARTICHOKES!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dante stopped suddenly when he saw the strangest sight. Rupert Giles, Faith the Vampire Slayer, the demon Whistler, Angel the Ensouled Vampire, Oz the Werewolf, Amy Madison the Witch and Xander Harris were fighting two vampires at the pool over...”ARTICHOKES?”
Lawrence Giles stared, his jaw dropping.”What the bloody hell is going on?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“DROP THOSE ARTICHOKES!”shouted Giles as he tackled Sid, taking him and all the artichokes into the pool.
Xander looked frantically at Oz and Whistler.”It’s-Oof!”
Pete tackled Xander as he threw Oz and Whistler aside.”Gimme those arrtichokes!”
Stunned, Xander watched as Pete gathered up all the artichokes in his arms.”I got all of ‘em Sid! SID?!?!”
Angel grabbed Pete’s foot and yanked him towards the pool, casuing Pete to throw up all his artichokes ino the air and go flying into the pool. Xander shouted at Angel as he emerged,”I COULDN’T find the right artichoke!”
Oz and Whistler looked at the pool. And saw the artichokes sinking into the bottom of it. Whistler shouted,”By the Pits! He has to be one of them in there! One of those artichokes!”
“GRAB THE ARTICHOKES! HE MIGHT DROWN!”shouted Angel at Giles as he dove under the water. Holding his breath, Xander jumped into the pool, followed by Whistler and Oz. Amy and Faith looked at each other, then they jumped into the pool as well. Sid and Pete dove down as well.
Sitting down on a lounge chair, Spike shook his head.”This is better than watching the Three Stooges.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Buffy stopped suddenly when she heard the shouting of the figures by the pool. She shook her head. No, no. They couldn’t be fighting over...artichokes, could they? Then she heard Angel shout,”Grab the artichokes! He might drown!”
Joyce stopped when she heard Angel shout. No. No...Joyce looked at her daughter. Buffy looked at her mother. Both of them screamed as they sprinted towards the pool as fast as they could.
“DADDY!” “RUPERT!”
“Oh, dear. Those boys are in trouble now,”said Nana Bethie as she shook her head when she heard her granddaughter and great-granddaughter scream. she looked to see her other grandchildren come from the elevators to look at the commotion near the poolside.
“Nana Bethie? What’s going on?”Cordelia asked as she approached her with a sleepy Willow.
Nana Bethie patted the girl’s cheek.”The boys are going to be in trouble now. Care to watch?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whistler rose up from the water.”I got three!”
“I have two,”Xander coughed. Oz looked up.”I have one.”
Faith coughed as she has Sid in a head lock.”I got a vamp!”
“I got two artichokes,”Amy said as she rose from the water, her hands raised high.
Giles raised his hands triumphantly as he threw four artichokes to the poolside.”I rescued four!”
“Anybody got a stake? I got the other vampire,”Angel shouted as he held him by the scruff of his neck.”AND I got two of them!”
Whistler rose from the pool as well.”I got the other two!”
“ANGEL!”Buffy screamed as she approached the poolside.”WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FATHER?!?!”
Joyce followed her daughter.”RUPERT GILES! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?”
Angel and Giles looked at each other then smiled weakly. Angel gave her his best smile. ”Catching vampires?”
“Rupert! Why are all these artichokes here?”Joyce demanded as she looked at her wet husband.”AND what happened to your shirt?”
Giles coughed as he approached the poolside cautiously.”Uh, we’re well, it’s actually a funny story. We’re rounding up stray vegetables because the vampires wanted to plan to,um, kill everyone by, er, poisining the artichoke salad?”
Angel and Whistler nodded frantically as Joyce and Buffy stared at them. Xander nodded frantically.“Yeah! We, um, uncovered a plot that, the vampires wanted to, um, well-”
“Put poison in the artichoke salad,”Giles said solomnly as he sat on the pool edge. Joyce looked at him skeptically as she knelt to finger his shirt.”They managed to rip my shirt.”
“Is that what the story is now, Rupert?”Nana Bethie asked as she looked at him pointedly.”You shouldn’t lie, especially when your father is here.”
Giles stared at her, then looked behind where Nana Bethie was pointing. He smiled weakly. ”Hello Father. Grandfather. Lawrence. Eugenia-”
“Dante!”Joyce shouted happily as she ran into his arms. Dante caught her and gave her a happy hug as he kept his eyes on Giles’s. Giles gave a quick grimace at the sight of his wife in the sorcerer’s arms.
“Jack, you look wonderful,”Dante said as he looked down at her. He looked at Rupert Giles again.”What’s going on here? And what’s really with all these artichokes?”
Giles gave Dante a sour look.”None of your business, Dante!”
“Rupert,”Thomas Giles said in a warning tone as he stepped forward. He looked at his daughter-in-law. Joyce smiled as she gave him a hug.”Hello, Joyceln. Rupert, what is going on? And what happened to your clothes?”
Giles gave his father a false smile.”Nothing at all. Just a small search and destroy a rather nasty vampire plot.”
Thoams Giles looked at his eldest son skeptically.”Some how I am having a hard time believing that vampires wanted to poison everyone with an artichoke salad.”
“Xander Harris! What is going on? You had better not be skinny dipping without me!”Cordelia glared as Xander swam towards the pool edge.
Xander snorted.”How can I be skinny dipping with my clothes on?”
“Well, we were planning to take them off later,”Faith said huskily with a wink at him. Xander’s mouth dropped open as Cordelia started to sputter. Still holding the vampire in a headlock, Faith started to laugh at their expressions.
Amy smacked Faith in the head.”It was a lie, Cordelia! Her mouth has been getting people into trouble all night!”
Cordelia regally glared at Faith.”It HAD BETTER be a lie!”
“OZ! What are you doing in that pool?”Willow demanded as he swam towards the poolside.
“Swimming?”Oz deadpanned as he got out from the pool.”Like Giles said, preventing death by a few artichokes?”
Buffy stamped her foot again.”I still don’t beleive this weird story! ANGEL! You answer me! WHAT did you do to my father?!? Why are all these really artichokes here?”
“Can we get out of here before dawn comes?”Angel asked meekly.”I mean-”
“ANGEL!!”
Faith shouted.”Can you get me a stake first, B? This one’s trying to get away.”
“Here,”Lawrence Giles said as he threw his stake at her. Faith caught it with one hand, then promptly staked Pete.
Sid looked at Angel, then decked him. He was a dead demon, since he was surrounded by the Slayer and her friends and family, but he wasn’t going to make her Pretty Boy happy. ”Here’s the truth, Slayer! Pretty Boy threw your dad out the window. We’ve all been chasing him all night. Take your pick on which artichoke’s your dad, Slayer! And Spike was not helping! HE wanted to make him into a salad!”
Joyce’s jaw dropped as Buffy’s eyes widened.”ANGEL!” “LIAM!”
Spike looked at Joyce.”What? Why should I help find that idiot after what he did to you? Can I get inside before the sun comes up now?”
Buffy growled at him.”YOU STAY THERE BEFORE I STAKE YOUR ASS! ANGEL! YOU THREW MY FATHER OUT THE WINDOW?!?”
Joyce rounded on her husband.”RUPERT! How COULD you let Angel throw Hank out the window!”
Giles stared at his wife.”And how was I supposed to stop him? Hank was out in the night air by the time I recovered from that idiot’s insults! And besides! The IDIOT called me a self-important, pompous and pendantic imbecile who-”
“The turd actually knew the words ‘pendantic’ and ‘imbicile’, Tweed?”Dante asked curiously. Joyce scowled at him.”I know, Jack, I know. Don’t call ‘Hank’ a turd in front of Buffy.”
Buffy stomped her foot.”Angel! How COULD you! THROW my FATHER out the WINDOW?!? How could you start that?!? Angel!”
“I WAS DRUNK!”Angel protested immediately as he threw Sid at Faith who promptly staked him. He looked like the perfect picture of wounded pride, that was wet.”AND HE INSULTED ME! As far as I’M concerned, HE Started it by INSULTING ME!”
“He’s an ARTICHOKE!”Buffy shouted back at him.”He CAN’T insult you!”
“WAIT A MINUTE!”Dante shouted. He looked at everyone, then at Buffy.”Are you saying that your turd of a father is one of these artichokes?”
“DANTE!”Joyce scolded.”I told you to not call Hank Summers a turd! He’s-he’s-”
“He’s a turd that turned into an artichoke,”Giles finished for his wife.”A foul-mouthed, insulting little pillock of a vegetable that-”
“GILES!”Buffy shouted as she glared at him.”My father could NOT insult you! HE-IS-AN-ARTICHOKE!”
Xander waved his hand up.”Au Contraire! YOUR artichoke of a father INSULTED ALL of us!”
Buffy stared at him.”What?”
“My, your father is certainly talented!”Nana Bethie commented.”Even as an artichoke he managed to insult people! And he is a ‘turd’, whatever that thing is.”
“Nana!”Buffy scolded, then she looked at her fiancee and gave him a severe look.”Angel-”
Angel was having none of that.“AND HE SAID THAT WE SHOULDN’T GET MARRIED! AND HE CALLED ME A-”
“YIII-EEEE!!”screamed Whistler as he threw an artichoke away from him and swam away. ”YOUR FATHER JUST PROPOSITIONED ME!!”
Buffy stared at Whistler.”WHAT?!?”
Angel looked at Whistler’s horrified face and pointed.”SEE! SEE! THE TURD CAN TALK!!”
Then Hank Summers rose from the pool water, gasping for air.”What the HELL happened? What’s going on?”
Buffy covered her mouth as she screeched,”DADDY! YOU’RE NAKED!”
“JOYCE! Cover your eyes!”Giles shouted as he slapped his hands over Joyce’s eyes.
Joyce started to bat her husband’s hands away.”RUPERT! I’ve seen everything on him all before! It’s NOT new!”
Giles glared down at her.”IT IS when you’re MY wife!”
Hank Summers covered himself as best he could when he found all the eyes of the Carruthers, his ex-wife and her husband, Buffy’s wedding party and several strangers looking at him with amused fascination. Then his jaw dropped as he recognized one pair of eyes.”Dante...”
“Hey Turd! What’s shaking?”Dante said with a wide grin.”What’ll you give to get some clothes?”
“Uncle Dante!”Buffy shouted at him.”You stop calling Daddy that!”
Dante looked at Buffy.”Honey, I started calling your dad a turd before you were even born. I’m not going to stop now.”
Buffy was about to say something when Nana Bethie touched her arm. She then looked at Hank.”Are you still with us, turd?”
Dante started to crack up as Buffy stared at her great-grandmother.”NANA!”
Hank closed his eyes and started chanting.’This is not happening. This is not happening! This is not happening! This is not happening!”
“He’s still with us,”Nana Bethie sighed.”Harbinger, sock him one in his glass jaw. Then we’ll take him up to his room.”
As Whistler swam to do her bidding, Angel raised his hand.”Can we get in before the sun rises? If I’m going to die, I’d rather it be with dry clothes.”
Shrugging, Uncle Aaron pulled Buffy away from the poolside.”I don’t see why not. We also want to ask you a few questions. Rupert as well.”
Giles looked at Uncle Aaron cautiously as Angel asked at him warily.“Such as?”
Uncle Aaron looked at him in the eye.”Such as you giving Harbinger sexual favors out from windows. And why does Xander know that there’s a tattoo on Rupert’s arse?”
Thomas Giles looked at his eldest son, his face nearly apoplectic.”RUPERT THEODORE GILES!! THERE’S A TATTOO ON YOUR ARSE?!?”
~FIN