"Hey!” I squealed. “Heeeeeey!! Stop, stop, stop, stop!!” My struggling was rewarded with a painful smack to the head. Actually, the guy all out hit me. This did nothing to improve my already sour mood. “Listen up, you sick brute, you woman-beater, you twisted, demonized, ill-mannered monster!! My comrades and I are not to be separated. If we are, I promise to see to it that you suffer the greatest indignities and the most painful and agonized torment this side of Hell!! And that’s only cause I’m in a good mood.” I was near tears and not proud of the fact. The formerly cute junior officer now resembled a pig.
Applause echoed off the walls around me. I glanced around. All right, who was mockin’ me now?
“Well done, Ames, well done. And I’d do as she says, boy. She’s generally keeps her promises.”
“Damn straight.”
Pig-boy relaxed his grip. I took the opportunity to shove him into the wall.
Mr. Bad Man glanced at his minions. “Take the rest away. I wish to speak with her.” I watched as they ushered my so-called friends away and then followed Mr. Man to a room where we could talk privately. I sank into a plush over-sized chair. It was like stepping back into the luxuries of upper-class civilization after having spent countless nights sleeping on the cold ground with nothing for comfort save a complimentary spine-altering rock. Wait a sec, that is what it was…
“This is great!” Mr. Bad Man exclaimed happily.
I inspected his face for a moment and saw that, much to my surprise, he wasn’t being sarcastic. Okaaaay.
“What’s so great about it, my dear Fabio clone?”
“Don’t be a twit. You know I’m ten times better looking than that monkey.”
“Fine. I concede. You win.”
He blinked. “You’re in a decidedly more, um…”
I narrowed my eyes.
“…sharp mood than usual…”
“Darling, let me make this as plain as possible. I have spent my time in the woods. The woods! All kinds of creepy crawlies, no running water, and no privacy. I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m dirty, and your stupid henchman gave me a horrid headache. I’m finding it oddly difficult to detransform at the moment, possibly because Destiny wishes to have a little fun and gather little baby sheep around to stare and mock me. She always had a thing against me, you know. I think it’s because I was Homecoming Queen and she wasn’t even on court. But that’s not the point! I was made for better things.
He stared at me as though he hadn’t heard a word I’d said.
I rolled my eyes. “Baaaa, little sheep, baaa.”
He snapped out of it. “Are we under contract here?”
“I should hope not.” I helped myself to the grapes on the endtable.
“Then nothing is violated if you come over to my side.” He smiled, satisfied with himself.
I gagged. “What?”
“Come join the side of evil for once. The pay is good, the respect is great, the clothes are kick ass and you don’t even have to pay for the special effects. I’ll admit that I’m not all that evil but I hear that I’m taking over the world. Now there’s something.” He chuckled
Hmmm… it didn’t sound half bad. I could definitely think of worse things… wait a minute, I know what’s going on here. “This is all a big ol’ test isn’t it? Something that Fate threw together to find out if I’m worthy enough or some other such thing. I knew I should have let her win that pillow fight…”
He shrugged. “I expect so.”
“So I have to say no?”
He lowered his voice to a frantic whisper. “Pleeease say no! The sooner we fight the sooner we’ll get out of here and go home. These people are strange, I tell you.” He glanced around suspiciously. “They all do exactly what I tell them. Why, just yesterday I made a guy-“
“Don’t want to know!”
“Okay then. Just know that it’s unnatural and creepy.”
“I’ll put it in my notes.”
He made an irritated little face and patted my knee patronizingly. If it was anyone else I would have given in to the urge to inflict pain. “Apparently, this is the part in the story where I offer you the chance to join the dark forces.” He widened his eyes and pretended to look scared. “Then you tell me off and your little group marches away.” He pantomimed the action. “Y’all collect your strength for the final battle which is coming up, kick my ass, and then we go home.”
Silence fell over us like… well, rather like a nice chenille blanket with one hole in the very spot where the wind happens to be blowing. It was comfortable but cold. Cold in the way that the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and you swear the hair on your head just grew an inch. I was bettin’ it had something to do with the way the eyes in the portrait directly behind Mr. Bad Man keep moving but I wasn’t about to jump to conclusions. I tore my own away from the unnerving image and watched as he got up and went to the mini bar to pull down two bottles.
“Would you like raspberry or apple pucker?”
“I…what makes you think I want a drink right now?”
“I was about to ask you about your outfit.”
“Oh. Right then. I’ll have both. Two glasses. Straight up. And keep it coming.”