Here I sit all alone in the world. I’m surrounded by five people who harbor ill feelings toward me. Okay, maybe not all are ill feelings… some are neutral, but none save one is good. This is not a happy position to find yourself in. I strongly suggest avoiding it at all costs.
I stirred the fire. Hmmm… Okay already, I’m bored. I hate being the night lookout. Nothing but crickets and frogs and those really stupid bats who swoop in far too low by the fire for no apparent reason, or at least none that a thoughtful but rather ignorant person in the behavior of bats could find. If one speculated long enough one might find an explanation dealing with a bat’s eating habits and it would all become so painfully clear as to be seen as common sense. Then one would have to smack ones’ self upside the head and wonder why they hadn’t thought of it before. But this is neither here nor there. It’s about ten minutes up the road if you forget about the speed limit.
Thankfully, this mind-numbing dullness didn’t last long. Impreza announced her return with a kindly little sneeze.
In an instant I was on my feet. I was also instantly hoping that if Impreza had a cold it was past the contagion stage. In the same instant (which later became recognized as a multi-tasking wonder of an instant and won an award and mad respect that made it’s mother weep with joy) I managed to kick Camry awake who rolled into Anglia who rolled into Celica who rolled into Miata, except she didn’t so much roll into him. She rolled over him, pinning the poor little furball.
Impreza had brought henchmen with her this time and they all watched with varying expressions of mirth as Celica jumped about seven feet into the air screaming her head off. “Anglia, Miata, grab Celica and get the hell out of here!” I cried. For once, Miata didn’t question my authority. He did his best to round the two girls up but they didn’t give him much of a chance.
I felt a tingle coming on. Drat it all! No, I won’t let it. Transform over my dead body, you vile sugar-coated… thing that I don’t know exactly what to call. (It’s a proven fact that things you don’t know what to call are generally the most important things in the universe. So says my drycleaner.) It’s pink ribbon huntin’ season. Oh, God it tickled!! “…!!” And one and two and three and four. Naked and staring and choke and pose.
Meanwhile, Impreza’s goons had been given the go ahead to attack us. She had disappeared to let them do the dirty work for her. I encountered one and sent him screaming. Ha, beware my pure and wonderful fire, scum. Camry had managed to strike down two. Alero was busy defending his store of ointments, lotions, soaps and shampoos and Kia was also proving himself useful. Maybe we wouldn’t lose after all despite the sheer number of them.
Three things happened in the blink of an eye that came close to changing my mind on that. 1. Celica, who was still recovering from the shock of waking to find a hamster in her chest, raced past me with her arms flailing. This normally wouldn’t seem to be such a remarkable thing but I’ve never seen the old bag move so fast. Neither had anyone else. 2. Camry forgot to fight and watched the primeval princess with his mouth all hangin’ open. He coulda set a fly-catching record… but he was about three seconds from getting his rather lovely head chopped off. 3. I flung myself into his legs. He cursed and fell and I got yet another painful boo-boo and I wasn’t altogether happy when we crashed to the ground and finally stopped rolling. He twisted me around and put me into a strong headlock. I suddenly had a very keen interest in his welfare and was glad he was so good with a sword. I was also aware that my arse was calling out to me to pay attention to the shapes I knew were directly behind me.
Before I had a chance to kick at this lurksome shape that had me very, very worried, it grabbed me around the waist and yanked. What the hell was this?! I swear my neck stretched a good three inches. Still, it did the job. Camry relaxed his vice like grip and and I fell to the ground like a sexy sack of potatoes. If you don’t believe that such potatoes exist, you probably haven’t spent much time in potato country.
I rolled ever so skillfully and thrust my booted foot right where I knew it would count. Aw yeah, right on target. That’ll teach ya not to mess with me. …wait a minute… “Aw, shit!” I shouted. “Geez, Kia, I’m sooo sorry!!”
The poor prince gave a grunted reply.
Meanwhile, the both of us made excellent unsuspecting targets. Well, we would have but we were both mindful of our situation and rather suspecting. Before long, Imprezza’s group of baddies were defeated. A good handful had run away in pain of some sort or another. My favorite was the flaming wonder. Some had managed to run away unharmed when they saw that the tide was turning against them. Cowards. Still others were sleeping peacefully at our feet, or at least, that’s what we told the police when they came all charging up on their horses and demanded to know what was going on.
“But sir,” Camry pleaded, as his hands were secured behind his back, “honestly, we were just defending ourselves.”
I nodded, wide-eyed, and pointed to Celica and Anglia. Celica had managed to calm herself down. She was mumbling strange things to herself and I wondered if her mental health would ever be the same again. Anglia was in her lap. Turns out she faints at the sight of blood. Who knew?
A fairly decent looking junior officer came into view and I gave him my best puppy dog eyes.
“Sir,” he began, “the ladies-“
“They don’t have to be bound. Just keep your eye on them.”
“Yes, sir.”
I was seated between Celica and Anglia and multiple guards across from Kia, Alero and Camry. I stretched my unbound arms over my head and yawned. All three glared at me with murder in their eyes. Excuse me for being so delicately feminine that the handcuffs might chaff my poor little wrists. I leaned my head on the junior officer’s shoulder and promptly fell asleep.