I whimpered. I couldn’t help it. Why did I have to be so impartial when choosing our path? And why when I chose to dissuade someone did it have to be to take Alero’s way? It was so icky!! At first it wasn’t so bad… kinda swampy, a little more damp than my liking. My hair felt flat in all the humidity, which was slightly embarrassing. Camry had fun pointing that out. But then it slowly got worse. And now it’s to the point where I think we’ll never climb out of this eternal pit of muck! And furthermore, who knows what kind of icky creepy crawlies are squirming over me? It's too much to bear!!

Camry and Alero are having a rough go of it too. Camry and his insatiable quest for cleanliness... and pansy-boy Alero who hated to be dirty for one second because he didn’t look quite as pretty. They were horrid. Their voices rang out in high whines that nearly distracted me from my own plight which, at the moment, was to get the heel of my boot unstuck so I could climb the scraggly tree in front of me to see just how much more of this torture we’d have to endure. It finally came loose with that loud mud suction noise that simply can’t be imitated. Naturally I lost my balance and went headlong into the tree...

I cursed the tree but restrained myself from kicking it or setting fire to it. It was the only one around that was sturdy enough to trust any amount of weight on. I wasn’t going to destroy it simply because it had maliciously wronged me. Of course not. I’d wait until after I got down…

At the top, I found that we did indeed have a long way to go. The ground below me looked like pudding with occasional pretzels sticking out the top. Or maybe like a cake with chocolate frosting and birthday candles, assuming the birthday candles resembled bark with moss growing on it. Either way, it was pretty dismal. The sky above me had proved obliging in carrying the same mood. It was cloudy and depressing. Rolls of thunder could be heard in the distance followed by an annoyingly high-pitched shrieking laugh.

I sighed and got ready to jump back to the ground when it dawned on me, annoyingly high-pitched shrieking laughs are not a normal part of nature. Villain Girl was on the rebound. I scanned the dreary sky and found her perched on the back of some massively overgrown, undoubtedly brainwashed bird. Before I had a chance to react she sent a gust of wind my way.

I landed flat on my back with a resounding splat in the mud. How very NeverEnding Story. Atreju, I have felt your pain.

Now that I was covered from head to toe in muck and I was rather chilled to boot, I wasn’t in such a good mood. I struggled to get to my feet so I could teach the wench a thing or two, but before I could my comrades withdrew their swords and began attacking her. Well, this was a pleasant turn of events. Perhaps I could just sit this one out. I leaned back on my elbows to appreciate the fine skill with which my hunky companions handled their weapons. To be frank, not much fine skill was to be found. It’s hard enough to walk in this place. Asking someone to wield a sword with precision and strength might very well have been too much to ask.

“Come on you guys, you can do it!” At this point I wished I was one of those perky cheerleader types who oozed with good vibes. Anything to help them that didn’t require moving.

Just when the tide was turning in our favor, Imprezza laughed insanely and suddenly disappeared. Apparently, Mr. Bad Man had called her back. Wouldn’t want his minions to end it too early and take his pride.

Camry hadn’t been expecting the sudden disappearance of his foe and when his sword didn’t connect with anything, he was thrown off balance. I saw him coming closer and squeezed my eyes shut until I felt the heavy impact. When I opened them, the blade of his sword was barely brushing against my neck. Camry had fallen on me, one arm supporting him in the mud and he was all panting in my face. Disgusting. My hands closed around his neck and I kneed him. “You nearly killed me!” I shrieked.

“I didn’t mean it!” he cried, after successfully prying my hands from his throat. I continued to pummel him anyway. “You slow-witted, idiotic, sorry excuse for a Rebel Boy!!”

“Well, you’re a snobby, pathetic excuse for a Kid!”

“I’m not The Kid! And furthermore, I’m not enjoying this anymore than you are. I have caked mud beneath my nails!!”

“I’m being subjected to more dirt and germs than any clean and self-respecting person should be in contact with in their entire lifetime! This place is a hazard to my health!”

That was when Alero grabbed each of us by our shoulders and tore us apart. He looked at us sadly and tears began to roll down his cheeks. “I haven’t exfoliated my skin in days...” he mumbled.

If we didn’t get to that emporium soon... grrr...