A long long time ago in a galaxy far away, Naboo was under an attack. And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn could talk the Federation into maybe cutting them a little slack... Wait, no. No, that's not right by any means. Then I would have met my darling Obi-Wan and fulfilled every secret desire that I, 00Amy, can lay claim to. Yes, that does include the one where we dance atop the golden arches feeding one another green seedless grapes (which, as we all know, is the only way to go) in pink fuzzy bunny slippers that wiggle their noses when the button is pushed in their ear. That is, I'm in the fuzzy bunny slippers. The grapes are just nekkid. But, I digress! And quite early on too... It was during a rather mundane battle with my arch nemesis, Mr. Bad Man, when the whole thing started. We had just finished our amiable Sunday tea and it was well past time for us to kick the crap out of one another as per our contracts. We have no desire to break such contracts as this would result in losing our jobs as well as losing all of the desperate fans who would suddenly reject us, thereby forcing us to live on the streets selling illegal drugs to underage idiots who have nothing better to do than waste their lives on such pointless crap as all that. Then we'd probably end up on "Where are They Now?" and have the entire degrading story told on national television so that even our wee little goldfish with matching fish tanks would lose respect for us. Not so much a happiness...Darkness was all around. Dark, inky, creepy, there-must-monsters-out-to-get-me blackness. After a time, bright little colored flashes of light broke the darkness and began shooting out from nowhere. I marveled at them. They were so puuuurdy. ...Then I opened my eyes...
An absurdly large pair of red eyes stared back at me. Now, I don't know about you, but it doesn't often happen to me that I'll be doing my job one minute and lying face up on the ground with a tiny hamster on my stomach. I did what any sensible person would have done. I screamed like the girl I am, pushed the thing off my chest, and punted it from here to Timbuktu.
Now that I was alone, I could take a look at my surroundings. A forest? But we were just in an office building. Something here wasn't adding up and I make no reference to my less than stellar mathematical skills.
"Now what the hell did you go and do that for?" A gruff voice asked behind me.
"Whaa?"
The hamster stood there, it's cute little arms crossed, a rather peeved look on it's fuzzy little face.
"I'm on your side, you twit, and that's how you treat me? Unbelievable."
I made several attempts to reply but really, what can you say to that? I was seriously beginning to question my sanity at this point. I mean, I'm under a lot of stress 24/7. Mr. Bad Man isn't my only enemy, you know. I'm constantly kicking the crud out of bad guys. Not only that, my astonishingly good looks bring about more than the average amount of would-be suitors. This kind of thing is hard to deal with. Or maybe, just maybe, Mr. Bad Man had managed to poison me. Hey, maybe I was high! Oh, what fun!
"Hewwo lil' Mr. Hamster Man." I said, waving.
"Look, kid," he began, "I'm not really in the mood to deal with another one of you annoying, whining idiots today." He stopped suddenly and cleared his throat. When he spoke again, his voice was as high-pitched as a man who finds himself surrounded by two-year olds with bad aim. "I mean, I'm here to help you. I am your new guide. Please excuse my rudeness earlier." He smiled benignly. I had to turn away from the preposterously sickening cuteness.
Meanwhile, I was beginning to come to terms with my surroundings. Why not play along with my warped psyche? "Where are we then? And who the heck are you?"
"My name is Miata and we're in Anime Land. You are the newest protector of Anime Land."
"Say what?!"
"You're the newest Magical Girl to come help save us from Mr. Evil Bad Man."
Mr. Evil Bad Man? Ooooh, chilling. Really, that one little descriptive must make him ten times worse than Mr. Bad Man. I was almost shaking in my boots.
"So what, you're like the recruiter come to get me so that we can kick some ass and save the world?
He stared at me, one eye twitching curiously, and his tiny little snout twisted into a look I can only describe as disturbed. "I am your ridiculously kawaii talking mascot who is required by contract to follow you around on your adventures, point out interesting little tidbits at the most infuriating times and in general, annoy you. And let me tell you something, they don't pay me nearly enough."
Dear God, what had I gotten myself into??