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Well hello there and welcome to my tutorial on how to eat oatmeal. I know some of you are saying, "What, does he think I'm a big dumby like everyone else in the world, I think not!" But what you don't know is that there are many oatmeal related injuries every year. So i'm going to give you all a step by step instructional about how to survive an encounter with this most dangerous of breakfast foods.

1. Go to the store and get some oatmeal, stupid. Of course that is the first step, what were you thinking, it would just appear out of nowhere. Sheesh

2. Cook the oatmeal. Fire good. Watch out though, it can burn ya. It could just jump up and catch your head on fire. At this point you should yell "Phom Phom may!" which means "My head is on fire!" in Thai, translation curtesy of Striptease.

3. Now put the oatmeal into the dish you plan to eat it out of. I think a bowl works well but you can go crazy and try other things like cups or knives but these don't work as well.

4. Get a spoon. It's the round eating thing. Scoop some of the oatmeal into said spoon. Now place the spoon in your mouth, as opposed to lets say, your eye. Spoon goes in mouth, no not the whole thing, just the round part with the oatmeal on it. If cooked right it should be very hot, perhaps you should blow on it first to cool it. Place spoon back in mouth then remove it, this time leaving the oatmeal in your mouth. Duh.

5. Swallow the oatmeal. Now this is probobly the most dangerous part of this entire operation. If you had not properly cooled the oatmeal then your throut will be scorched. Now if you are always saying stupid things like "I hope I don't scorch my throut." or "Does this end go in my eye?" then you deserved it. If you don't say those things and you still got hurt then your dumb and also deserved it, so there.

6. Digest and enjoy the feeling you get from being full of oatmeal. As time passes you may become better at eating oatmeal.