A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed.
Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long?
Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:
"Forget it man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting
her from here!"
Tenth...Oct 4 '99)
Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband
collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
The sight of her husband in such a state angered his wife tremendously.
"That's it George! I've had it this time." she screamed. "I'm cutting you
off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting
it from."
Touchdown!..(Sep 27 '99)
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for minutes
the old man farts and says, "7 points."
His wife looks over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."
After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown,
I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be
outdone by his wife, he gives everything he has and strains real hard to get
out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he
poops in the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
Golden Anniversary...(Sep 21 '99)
A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was
inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the husband. We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn`t gone too far when my wife`s mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said `That`s once.`
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, `That`s twice.'
We hadn`t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife
promptly
removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and
quietly said, `That`s once.
Divorce...(Sep 21 '99)
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
French Nouns
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike
their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a
gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into
two
groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the
other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Mirror Mirror noooo....
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on
her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow
to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror mirror
on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash...
and his legs fall off.
New panties
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.
After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless
panties. She went home and donned the new garment, then selected
a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came
home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink.
She slowly spread her legs.
"Honey, would you like some of this?" she asked enticingly.
"Hell no!" he gasped, "Look what it's done to your underwear!"
Looking
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up
beside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. With a smug grin he shouted over,
"So ... out looking for a little, huh?"
She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you.
Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"
2 Asprins
A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of
water in one hand and two aspirins in the other. She asks, "What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.She says, "But I don't have a headache."
He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"
Ugly
A man walks into a supermarket and buys :1 bar of soap1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste1 loaf of bread1 pint of milk1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "You're single aren't you?"
The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"
She replies, "Because you are so damn ugly!"
First Class
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The
man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman
can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis
and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't
believe that such a rude person exists.
A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his
penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis
from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate areyou?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a
very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The
woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you takingfor it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
VS.
