A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show
you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket
and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar,
down a barstool, across the room, up the piano,
jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs.
And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right.
I've never seen anything like that before.
That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.
He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and
offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives
the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold
a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions.
You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy.
"The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
Homo Rooster(Sep 23 '99)
The farmer bought a young rooster from his cousin Billy-Bob to replace his old rooster. The young rooster went up to the old rooster and said: "Ok old man, you're out of here! I'm here to replace you."
The old rooster said to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, we'll have a race around the farmer's house and whoever gets back here first can stay and rule the roost."
The young rooster said: "You're on! And since you're so old, I'll even give you a 15 second head start."
The little chicken clucked GO! and off they went, running around the barnyard. But when they passed the farmer's house, the farmer was on the front porch. He saw the young rooster chasing the old rooster, grabbed his rifle and shot the young rooster's head off.
"God damn it!" yelled the farmer, "that's fu*kin' Billy-Bob done sold me another homo rooster!"
Octopuss...(Sep 21 '99)
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. The guy says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
The first one walks up with a guitar. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man said. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off!!!!"
Rabbit and the Bear...(Sep 21 '99)
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "Nope..."
...So the bear picks him up and wipes his ass with him.
Rooster
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So,
he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a
rooster.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named
Randy; "he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides
he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home
and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk,
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens
to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to
do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer
said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen
house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen
there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.
Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down
by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the
pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal
the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes
up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle
of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've
done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying
overhead and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
Two Parrots
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Monkey
A man goes into a bar with his monkey. The monkey runs over to the pool table, gets a cue ball and swallows it.
The bartender says, "Excuse me, but your monkey just ate one of our cue balls".
The man replies that the monkey is strange and often just eats "most anything".
"Well", says the bartender, "I'm afraid you will have to pay for that!"
About two weeks later the man (with monkey) returns to the bar and sit at a table. The waitress comes over to see what they want to drink. At this point, the monkey grabs a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
"Pardon me", says the waitress in shock. But your monkey just grabed a cherry, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
"Yeah", says the man. Ever since he ate the cue ball, he has been measuring everything.
Parrot 2
This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.
"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.
"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.
"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.
More Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an
expletive.
Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried
hard
to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,
playing
soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook
the
bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a
moment of
desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer!
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then
suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened
the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended
arm
and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am
truly
sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's
change in
attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when
the
parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
