Callisto (22/122) Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (28/204) Return of Callisto (29/205) Warrior...Princess...Tramp (30/206) Intimate Stranger (31/207) Ten Little Warlords (32/208) The Xena Scrolls (34/210) For Him the Bell Tolls (40/216) A Comedy of Eros (46/222)

“Now listen, I’m fierce and I have a lust for blood. As a matter of fact, if a couple of days go by and I haven’t shed some blood, I get very depressed. Blood and me go together like a horse and chariot. I once bathed in a tub of blood. My nickname is ‘Bloody Joxer.’”
---- Joxer, to Xena and Gabrielle when they first meet, trying to show them how great a warrior he must be 139K

Callisto: And what is it exactly that... you do, hmm?
Joxer: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. What do I do? I’m a warrior!
Callisto: Oh, you’re a warrior. How silly of me. And why is it, dear man, that you look like an idiot, then?
Joxer: Amm, I cultivate that look... to make me seem less threatening. You see, uh... people don’t fear worthless idiots, so it’s easy for me to get the drop on ‘em.
---- Joxer will do anything to prove to the world that he can be a warrior, even if it means elisting to fight for the evil Callisto after Xena blows him off 311K

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (28/204)

Joxer's second episode involves the vampire-like Bacchae and perhaps some of the most insightful Joxer comments ever.

Orpheus: Did you get the lyre?
Xena: No, I found the Bacchae who took it. Someone else got in the way. We’ll get it back.
Joxer: We’ll get it back? Wait a minute, let me get this straight. First, we find the lyre. Then we get someone to play it. Ah-- Orpheus sings; the Bacchae sleep. Ah-- We go in, kill Bacchus and free the girls?
Xena: [amazed at Joxer's uncharacteristic insight] Exactly.
Joxer: That was easy enough.
Orpheus: Don’t be a fool. Bacchus has the lyre safely in his catacombs by now. If you go in there, he’ll kill you.
Xena: It’s a chance I’ll have to take.
Joxer: Yeah, it’s my strategy from the get-go. Catch ‘em off guard, I... R-run that ‘he’ll kill you’ part by me again.
Xena: It’s all right, Joxer-- you won’t be coming. Come on, Gabrielle.
Joxer: Wait a minute! If she’s going, I’m going, too! Hey, I assembled this team!
[they begin to walk away]
Joxer: Okay, fine. I guess you don’t want someone who plays the lyre!
Orpheus: You?!
Joxer: I took the music lessons, okay?
Gabrielle: You play the lyre?
Joxer: Yeah, I play the lyre. Don’t advertise it all over town. I got a reputation to maintain.

Joxer: [pulls Gabrielle aside, points to Xena] Look! On her neck-- blood-- She’s been bitten.
Gabrielle: So, she had blood on her neck. I mean, she was in a fight. It could be anything-- it could be-- a scratch. You know...
Joxer: Listen, listen, I have seen every kind of wound encountered by man or beast. And that, my friend, is a bite-- specifically, a Bacchae bite.
Gabrielle: Then, why hasn’t she turned into one?
Joxer: Because these things take time! Listen, listen-- any second now, Xena’s gonna be sporting a new set of fangs-- big ones. Wait a minute. Now I know why she didn’t want me with her. Because she knows I’m the only one who could stop her.
Gabrielle: You know, we could settle this right now. I’ll just ask her.
Joxer: No, don’t ask her a question! Are you kidding me? Anything you say is gonna propel her into a Bacchian frenzy!

"Okay, fine-- but when she bites your head off in the middle of the night, don’t come running to me."
---- Joxer, to Gabrielle when she refuses to believe Joxer's aligations that Xena was bitten by a Bacchae

"I’ll tell you one thing-- nobody sleeps soundly tonight."
---- The last thing Joxer says before he is seen snoring, sound asleep

"Nothing like stalking a Bacchae to get the blood flowing."
---- Joxer

Return of Callisto (29/205)

“You know, Xena, I know you don’t think very much of me-- and that’s fine. But I care about Gabrielle, too. And I would do anything to avenge her loss, including sacrificing my own life.”
---- Joxer, to Xena who is prepared to go up against Callisto to avenge Perdicus' death

Warrior...Princess...Tramp (30/206)

“I was the one chosen to fight Callisto because if there’s anyone mightier than Xena, it’s Joxer the Magnificent."
---- Joxer, to people in a tavern

Intimate Stranger (31/207)

Joxer: Stay back; I mean it. That’s Xena’s horse. And I don’t know what you did to her, but I’m not gonna give you the chance to finish the job.
Xena: Joxer, put your sword down and I’ll explain.
Joxer: Over my dead body... Maybe.
---- Joxer doesn't know that Xena and Callisto have switched bodies and he is trying to protect Argo from who he believes is Callisto

“You’ll be okay, Argo. No, no-- don’t bother thanking me. I was just risking my life for you, is all. You know-- when Xena was Callisto--- I mean-- when Callisto was Xena.”
---- Joxer, confused as usual

“Well-- you know? Us heroes got to... stick together, ‘cause, when I come in, it’s two swords blazing, and then, and...”
---- Joxer, responding to Xena who thanks him again for protecting Argo

Ten Little Warlords (32/208)

Xena: Ares didn’t send this invitation. He knows Callisto’s dead and I’m in her body. But, I’d like to know who did send it-- and why.
Joxer: So would I. When do we leave?
Xena: Gabrielle and I leave at first light. With all of the warlords passing through, Joxer, the people around here may need you in case a panic breaks out.
Joxer: [grins] Yeah, my presence would inspire confidence, wouldn’t it?

"I heard you were looking for the world’s greatest warrior. Well-- here I am."
---- Joxer

"Hey, it’s just that kind of bloodlust I have to deal with every day on a regular basis!"
---- Joxer. He's so full of it.

Xena: What about that monster, Sisyphus?
Joxer: The monster’s dead! I killed it! Meet Joxer-- the new god of war! You may bow.
Xena: Gabrielle, Joxer. What are you doing here?
Gabrielle: It’s a long story. Now-- Xena, are we gonna fight? ‘Cause I’m ready-- and I wanna taste blood. Now, forget the monster. It’s a big noise-making thingamajig. [points to Joxer] Like him!
Joxer: Whatever. I conquered it.

"Hey! Last one on the boat has to row! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!"
---- Joxer

The Xena Scrolls (34/210)

Coming Soon...

For Him the Bell Tolls (40/216)

"Sh! Sh-Sh! I’m just listening to make sure no giants tracked me. Yeah-- and... they didn’t.”
---- Joxer, to Gabrielle, with his ear to the ground, trying to make himself not look foolish after falling

“Great. I’ll stay right back here. Don’t worry-- no one’s gonna get your rear.”
---- Joxer, in response to Gabrielle's "advice" about covering the rear when walking through the woods... it didn't come out quite right 92K

“No one’s gonna get me from behind if I walk backwards. Yeah, guard, guard, guard-- guard, guard.”
---- Joxer, with yet another "brilliant" observation 130K

Ileandra: [referring to Joxer] That is the guy who saved us, isn’t it?
Gabrielle: [to Ileandra] That’s Joxer. He saved you.
Joxer: I did? I mean, ah, oh, I did-- I did. Yes-- umm-- sure, there must have been, uh-- twenty of them-- or more-- or less. Whatever it was, I, you know-- I-- I tore ‘em apart with my bare hands, so...
Ileandra: [to Joxer] So-- will you help us?
Gabrielle: Ah, Joxer-- are you up to this?
Joxer: Of course, of course, it’s all coming back to me, now. They had cross-bows, right? I mean cata-- catapults? Chariots? Whatever-- I mean, I was very fierce when I... when I took them out and... [to Ileandra] Listen, as far as your skin is concerned-- ah, it reminds me of... cream... just before it curdles... ‘cause that’s when it’s the best.
---- Joxer's back to his good ol' self again after a bell rings

Joxer: [to Gabrielle] Wait a minute. You’re saying I fought all of them and won?
Gabrielle: Yes-- Maybe you hit your head, and that’s why you can’t remember.
Joxer: I don’t think so.
Gabrielle: Mmm.
Joxer: I think it was more like a warrior haze.
Gabrielle: A warrior haze?
Joxer: Yeah-- you know? Okay-- enemy’s coming at you; heart’s pounding; your muscles are flexing. Then your mind shuts down and lets your body take over.

"Wow, this warrior haze is really great. I’m gonna put myself under again.”
---- Joxer, who still has no clue that it's Aprodite's enchantment that turns him into a hero

Joxer: [to Gabrielle] I think you’re jealous. I can understand that. I mean-- you wanna be the hero so bad, you can’t stand the thought of me saving the day. Gabrielle, there’s nothing wrong with being a sidekick.
Gabrielle: Glad you like it, Joxer. You’ll make a great sidekick. Just-- hang in there and keep the faith.
Joxer: I’m not a sidekick, I’m a hero!

“Well, I-- try to eat right, exercise, although, uh-- I do get a little constipated sometimes. You know?”
---- Joxer, in response to Sarpedon's question of how heroic types always end up with the most beautiful women 129K

A Comedy of Eros (46/222)

“Hey, I knew you’d be here, ‘cause as soon as I heard that rumor about Draco, I said to myself, ‘Self, I’ll bet Xena’ll be here,’ and well, here you are."
---- Joxer, to Xena and Gabrielle with yet another "deep thought"

“Hey, uh... try the lake. A cold swim usually helps. Hah-hah-hah-hah-- so I’ve been, uh-- told.”
---- Joxer, with advice to Xena on how to cool yourself off when you have the hots for someone 170K

“Blecch! It tastes like sweat! [spits] Does yours?”
---- Joxer, to Gabrielle after the gag is taken out of his mouth

Gabrielle: Come on, Joxer. Please, just one more time?
Joxer: You really love it, don’t you?
Gabrielle: I love it. The more I practice, the better I’ll get.
Joxer: Well... I’m up for it. Except, this time, let’s do it together, Okay? Okay.
Gabrielle & Joxer: [singing] Joxer the Mighty / He roams through the countryside / He never needs a place to hide / With Gaby as his sidekick / Fighting with her little stick / Righting wrongs and singing songs / Being mighty all day long / He’s Joxer / He’s Joxer the Mighty

Xena: Warrior Princess and all things Xena herein are (c) 1995-2000 Renaissance Pictures and MCA/Universal. No challenge of ownership to trademarked property is intended or implied.