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Brother Captain Eivan pulled himself up from the floor. His body ached from the blow of the foul creature before him. All seemed lost. Even Brother Ancient Bethios could not stop these spawns of Nottingham. There was a momentary silence in the room. Time seemed to stand still. A bright flash, the den of battle resumed. At Eivan's feet lay a box. A small rectangular box. What could it be. The furry yellow death approached, yet he could not take his eyes of the box. He quickly grasped it and inspected it. It had a women on it, a nude women. A woman whom he had never seen the likes of before. Perhaps never again. There was ancient writing, he found it famaliar. Ancient Gothic. The once tongue of Terra old, now the forsaken language of Slannesh. It said Traci, Traci Lor.., in Nymph.. He could not make out the rest. Something whispered to him. He tried to resist, but could not. "Use the weapon I have given you. Use it now!" the voice in his head spoke. He raised it as the furry yellow death barelled down upon him. Upon seeing it, the beast stopped and screamed a scream of death. It fell to the floor and grasped at it's eyes. "The horror, tee hee, the horror!" Eivan did not understand but he engaged the red one, the green, the blue, all fell before the box. What could it be? The Tech Adepts would have to unlock it's power! The Captain gathered himself and what remained of his forces and continued his search for the misguided heretics of the GW cheese factory. "Pirien and Johnson will pay for the sacred gene seed that has been lost this day. I swear it!"Eivan yelled with his fist raised to the sky.

Shaggy

+++++++++

"Sir, we have a reading inside the perimeter!" The mail-order troll looked nervous. The battle was not going well and for the first time he contemplated his uncertain future. First Warzone, now this. "Thats impossible!" The Boss Troll strode up to the screens. "The Teletubbies, our most fiersome elite troops have been unleashed. There should be no resistance left by now!" The troll huddled over his screens, a glimmer of color catching his attention. "Sir, we have a confirmation! the reading says...dark Eldar?" The Boss Troll scoffed loudly "That MUST be incorrect. I have here information from the HIGHEST sources that claim that there are no fully painted Dark Eldar armies in existance yet! Not even in Australia!" The trool,nervously scratched himself and checked the readings again. "The sensors are correct sir, there are Dark Eldar inside the perimeter, Wyches to be more precise." The room fell silent. "That...that's impossible" the Boss Troll stuttered. "We made them unatractive on PURPOSE! Who in their right mind will have anything to do with them?" "Surely...." A transmission interrupted his nervous babble...

Kzchzzchzzz......"what's so useful about using stand in armies is that there really is no reason for an opponent object as long as its clear what is standing in for what, and as long as everything is consistent. For example, saying "all the heavy bolters count as big shootas" is OK, while saying "this heavy bolter is a big shoota, and this heavy bolter is a rokkit launcha" is definately not OK! Anyway, I'm sure you get the idea. Here then, are two ways of using 'stand in armies' for the Squats.

Squat Imperial Guard Regiments

Over the last few hundred years the Squats Homeworlds have slowly but surely been conquored"..... Kzchhzzz....

There was a stunned silence ing the command center. "That....surely can't be the Hight Lords voice..." one of the trolls stuttered. "What is the meaning of this!" the Boss troll shouted to the silent speaker. "What do this transmission has to do with us?" Only the nervous silence answered his call. The speaker had grown quiet again...

"Is this really fair?" a feminine voice whispered, brimful with glee, "Nah, thats the fun part about is" her companion laughed, pulling a spider from the wall, swallowing it with a look of pleasure on her face. "Our high exalted Lord Dan has some wonderful ideas sometimes". "Too bad he was too busy to join us" one of the party exclaimed, "I miss him already." Her friend slapped her teasingly with the razorsharp sword she carried "you have to make do with Lord Johnson" she smirked. "If there's anything left by the time that I'm done with him."

With a bloodcurling warcry, made all the more horrible by the laughters blended into it, the Witch Elves charged forward tearing into the command center savoring the stunned looks of it's occupants. The smell of fear quickly filled the room...

Beth 666

++++++++++

Despoiler was angry. And when Despoiler gets angry, people DIE. He had heard some good news over the comnet. More reinforcements, although not of a Chaotic kind had arrived. The Vladivan XXI had arrived, under the command of Adrian "Fast Bastard" Johnson. They too had grown weary of GWs constant abuse of the older gamer. Some had come to save the squats. Some had come to attack Pirinen. Some had come just for the hell of it. Some had come because there were dirty pictures (courtesy of Thanos) circulating round whole regiments.

Despoiler pressed on. The meagre security systems in place were no match for his dusty Terminator armour. He stumbled into a room, that had many doors. Suddenly, in the door opposite him, a group of Black Legionnaires under his command burst through. And then, Blood Angels came through another door! And then, through another, Valhallans! Witch Elves! Cadians! Space Marines! Squats even! Suddenly Despoiler realised. They had all been led to this one room! It was a trap! Despoiler howled in anger, and beat the door with his claws, but to no avail. Even the Dark One, nearby, looked distressed. And how the hell had Deadlar managed to fit inside!? Suddenly, a loud whine came from speakers in the room.

"Greetings, my fellow warriors." It was Lord Jervis!

"I have been expecting you. How ironic, that you all are caught by the very person you were trying to catch."

The silence was deafening.

Despoiler spoke up saying, "Yes. How Ironic..." in a sarcastic tone.

"SILENCE! If you would care to look above, you can see that I have spent many hours diabolically scheming to destroy you. Those what you see are vats full of liquid cheese. In precisely five minutes, my evil plan will come to fruition. You will all be solidified into CHEESE!!! AHAHAHA!!!! AAAAHHAHAHAH!!!!"

The Dark One whispered to others present "Why is he doing this overly elaborate method of killing us? Why not just virus bomb the room!?"

"I HEARD THAT!" Jervis said. "The reason I'm doing this is because you all hate cheese, and I'm a sucker for poetic irony. Hehehehe. So long, fools! GW and cheese will rule humanity for ever! AHAHAHAH!!!"

Truly, the situation looked desperate. How would they escape. They all looked around, worridly. Someone would have to think of a way to get everyone out of this huge many-door room in less than 4 minutes....

Despoiler

+++++++++

The multi door room perplexed all trapped within it. The leaders of the vasts forces within stood in awe of Inquisitor Johnson's use of ill tempered teens armed with laser beams. What of the over elaborate plan to end the rebellion. Could he have been underestimated. Captain Eivan tried the box again. Nothing happened. The witches caught site of it and claimed it was theirs. The Captain had much too learn of this box still! He could not think of a way out of this must cunning of traps. The Dark One offered a tube of toothpaste and dental floss. It failed as the box had. Time was running out. Things looked hopeless. Then one of the Witches stepped foward. She peared into the monitor next to the vat of boiling cheese above her. She spoke"Lord of Cheese Jervis behold, I have your most prized possesion!" The comm link rang out"Witch, you have nothing I desire, well almost nothing!". "Oh, but I do!"she exclaimed "Would you like to see?"she asked. "You feeble attempt to save yourself will go unrewarded!"Jervis spat. She reached behind here and raised up an inflatable sheep! It a dress on with the name Claira on it. Jervis gasped with dread. "Not my blessed Claira!"he whined. "You may have won for now, but I promise you, it won't last! Boowahahahahahaha, bwahahahahaha. Commisar Pirien to the teleporter. We have vengeance to plan!"

Shaggy

+++++++++

There was a grim silence in the GW war room. Pirinen stared vacantly at the wall and tried to make himself invisible while Lord Johnson furiously paced back and forth. "How dare they... HOW DARE THEY!" Foaming at the mouth he watched the sad view on the screens. There lay his love, all ruptured and torn. Not even the extra strong plastic on the inflatable toy had stood up to the "fun games" of the Slaanesh sorceror present. "Don't they realise that they will die a thousand agonising deaths for this affront?" Lord Johnson stared grimly at the screen depicting the foul sorcerer Thanos grinning sheepily with the torn sheep in his hands. His allies looked decidedly less than happy. "Have they no sense of self preservation?" Lord Johnson shook his head and looked to Pirinen for advice. "Uhh, the Slaneshi cultists are known for their lack of self preservation. Death appearantly holds no fear for them. Perhaps even a death in cheese would be....interesting for them." Pirinen shook back his hair and pointed to the screen. "However, their commander seem differ in that opinion". On the screen could be seen the massive form of the Despoiler looming over the still grinning Thanos. "Weeell, let's not dissapoint them then shall we?" Lord Johnson reached out and slowly, deliberatly pushed down the switch, restarting the timer. "Let's see who gets the last laugh! Bwahahahahaha!"

Beth 666

+++++++++

Nearby in the darkened catacombs, deserted by everything but the numerous corpses, a scratcing, metallic sound can be heard. Hunched over one of the fallen Blood Angel terminators is a strange hairy shape picking apart the damaged armour. The color of the unnamed long furred creature is the same as the bloodstained armour, perhaps that is the reason for it's interest? No, it is something inside the ornament chest plate that has caught it's interest. The long forgotten creature, it's eyes alight with a strange glimmer of unfanthomable intelligence, picks at the silvery wires and exposed microprocessors while humming silently to itself. Something is taking form. Something new, strange and unheard of. The orange furred creature raises one of it's long ungainly arms and plugs the end of the silver wire to another terminators powersupport. Hidden underneath the massive cormse a small yellow creature is wedged. Frowning the orange furred creature carefully removes the central screen of the deceased alien. A light rerouted from the emergency system above provides the final burst of energy needed to set the macinery alive. With a barely perceptable hiss and a faint smell of ozone a glowing portal opens in thin air. The orange furred creature, suddenly obvious to it's surroundings, catches a smell and races down the corridor, fleeing the strange portal. Its gruntings ang grumbles could almost be interpreted as speech...almost... "...servesyourightforgetting'boutusyouGWaliendiscriminating freaks".....or it could just have been the wind.

Through the portal, a faint sound can be heard....

...

....neek neek....

......

Beth 666

+++++++++

Divine Fury, exalted champion of Khorne (currently serving some time with my Iron warriors) had led his faithfull berzerker's to the evil cheese factory for two reasons, a)Beer b)Those nice little witch elves .... heehee...

His squad were now running rampant through a huge hallway, in search of the missin Pirinen. "You cheesey mutha f@#ker!!! Khorne will have your skull, personally delivered by me!!!" A viscious 12 yr old, armed with Mummy's credit card jumped into his way. Scremeing his fury, Divine Fury lept at the evil youngster, hacking into the credit card, and snapping it in two. The young boy screamed and vowed to 'Get his big brother onto you!' Divine simply laughed. THe berzerkers were hacking their way through the measly little children, but NO!! Out of no where came Tinky-Winky armed with the viscious 'Tinka Trouble' (count as meltagun - WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO DO DIFFERENT RULES). Khornes elites were dropping like flies at the hand of Tinky Winky. Divine Fury couln't even close with the beast, for the cheesey odour was too much, and the swirling beard Tinky Winky seemed to have grown was as strong a shield as any seen. Divine Fury, brought up on a staple diet of Edam and Colby, wasn't ready for the odourous onslaught, and was beaten back. All seemed lost.

Just as he was prepared to give his life for Khorne, stout hardy green orks came to the rescue!!! But they weren't Orks! They were actually Squats, but were cunningly using the Ork army list!!! But God are they tricky!!

Phew, luckily that saved the day.

SLaYeR

+++++++++

Despoiler had enough. No one keeps a 10,000 year old Chaos Lord entrapped in such a room. And, by golly, least it be by Pirinen and Jervis! Suddenly, a flash of inspiration came across him...

"Ohhh Piriiii-neeen!" he sang as melodically as he could. The curiosity of Pirinen was piqued, and he leant over the viewing screen. In Despoilers hand there was a large lump of something.

"You know, Pirinen, there's one type of cheese you've never had before I bet." said Despoiler.

"Pah!" laughed Pirinen, munching on some cheese sticks, "I've had it all!"

The Despoiler suddenly hid the lump of cheese behind his back, so that the camera couldn't see.

"Oh? Is that what you think? Well then, I have something that may shock and disturb you, and thoroughly discredit you... I'm holding a piece of cheese you've never had before!"

Already, Pirinen was drooling. "Let me see..." he said, as if he was a zombie.

Despoiler quickly brought it in front of the camera, and then behind his back again. The others in the room were now taking a keen interest in what was going on. "It's TEN THOUSAND years old, Commissar. Can't you just SMELL it from there?" Despoiler said teasingly. Pirinen was now in a trance. "I'm coming for it! Stay where you are! Cheese.... 10,000 years old.... Cheese.... I've never had before" repeated Pirinen over and over as he hit the switch to open all the doors. Jervis saw Pirinen open the doors, and cried "NOOOO!!! PRIRINEN!!! YOU STUPID GIT!!! CLOSE THE DOORS!!!" But it was too late. All the inmateshad escaped and were now well away from the room. Pirinen was madly following the waft of ancient cheese that Despoiler carried. Now, they had Pirinen. Jervis marshalled his forces for one last assault to save himself, the evil-GW Imperium, and Pirinen...

Despoiler

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