Fiction

Spice Chaos

Inquisitor Rockus Rollus was worried. Really worried. he had faced many a menace. Tyranaids, orks, necrons, heck, even the monkees; the Archiesduran Duran and Milli Vannili! But never anything of this magnitude! The spice girls had come, and the universe would tremble at the mere mention of their unholy name! It all had begun quite normally. A few Slaneesh cultists were being mowed down by his men. Hardly worth the bother! But then, as Rockus killed the last cultist, THEY apeared! There were 5 of them. Rockus turned away, but still caught a glimpse of their names, inscribed in blood upon their foreheads: sporty, baby, posh, ginger and scary!
"Only Slaneesh could have thought up such tasteless names" -Rockus thought to himself.
"GIRL POWER!" -the mindless abnominations shrieked.
The slaughter was quick and terrible. All of Rockus´companions were killed. Only Rockus himself had been spared: "To get us slots in the tonight show" -said scary. Of course, nobody understood her as her tongue piercing prevented her even pronouncing a single word.
"Just for the record-said ginger-we´re the spice girls". Afterwards she pinched his behind,and they were gone. Rockus knew of the danger. Therefore he had summoned the hard-hitters. No novices like commander Dante, Azrael, Rangar Blackmane, or Marneus Calgar. The last one´s name sounded like a toothpaste label anyway! No, he needed the REAL heavy-hitters. And if they couldn´t destroy them,no one could. No one ALIVE at least!
"The guests have arrived" -his servant´s voice interrupted inquisitors´Rockus thoughts.
"Capitains BBking of the bluesgivers chapter, Little Richard of the pianodancers, Steve Winwood of the traffic jams, Bob Dylan of the changing times, Jeff Beck of the guitargods,Mick Jagger of the rolling stones, Bruce Springsteen of the thunder roads and Billy Corgan of the smashing pumpkins chapter,reporting SIR!
(author´s note:imagine all the guys I listed in full space marine gear. Giggle!)
"A menace has striken us, brothers.They call themselves spice girls. One of them is more terrible to behold than the other. They chant heretic songs which I´m not allowed to pronounce. You are the universe´s last hope. Seek them out,and destroy them! Good luck!"
"Don´t worry ´bout it man" -said capitain Winwood- "we´re gonna smoke them turkeys!" The small party teleported itself, and found itself in a degenerate palace! On the wall were various gold records. On the floor were scriblings of insane fans. Atop a big golden bed lied the spice girls,entertained cuddling with each other.
"You disturb us"-said baby spice.
"We were ezpex...kenetz...expecting that!"-said sporty spice.
"Children-said Geri-come out!" A horde of beastmen apeared and atacked, screaming "girl power" at the top of their voices! The space marines´defense was excelent! While capitain BB disorientated the mindless spice fans with blue light,capitain Richard smashed them with his power boots and capitain Dylan obliged them to hear his harmonica, with capitain Corgan´s highly destructive singing finishing the mindless mall abnominations off.The beastmen,not used to such good music died swiftly.
"You angered us" -said posh spice -now I´m going to show you my smile!"
"No, please don´t" answered Capitain Beck- "anything but that!"
"Never Mind"exclamated Victoria" I´ve had a better idea! We´re going to sing to you a medley of our songs!"
"AAAAAAARGGGGHHHHH" screamed the space marines in unison!
I´m not going to tell you what unholy profanations they sang, you´re sick of knowing it already! Suffice it to say that,when it was over, only Springsteen was still alive.
"Y´can´t hurt me" -said Capitain Springsteen- "I was born to run!"
"OH YEAH? -said scary spice- WELL NOW WE´RE GONNA SING "WANNABE"!!!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" -screamed the brave space marine, and died.
"2Zig-a-zig-ahhhhhhh" said the spice girls,and returned to their own (dirty) business.

High above the sad scene, an eldar spaceship soared the skies. "The humans failed" a guardian said "shall we release them of their soul stones?"
"Yes"-said Jain Zarr-do that"
The spice girls had prepared a big dinner party, in comemmoration of their win over all great music.They invited the backstreet boys and mistress Celine Dion.
"Duh..." AJ said just before someone broke the window.
"Duh..." Emma answered
"Every night I wake up.." said Celine Dion
"SHUT UP!" -said everyone else.
"OHMYGOD!" -screamed ginger spice- "it´s John Lennon...and Kurt Cobain...and...ELVIS!"
"Aren´t they dead?" asked posh spice
"Duh......"said AJ
"They´re coming nearer!Look,it´s Jimmi Hendrix!"
"We´re gonna kill your sweet time" -sang Hendrix.
"HEEEEEEELPPPPP!" -everyone screamed. But nobody heard them, and if they had, they would have helped Jimmi,I´m sure.. "Duh..." said AJ before being crushed into blessed oblivion. The End.

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