~~
I NEVER TOLD YOU
by AeVaL~~
Prologue
Febuary 14th, 2012 (7:30AM)
It was a year ago today when it all started, or ended, depending on
the way that you look at it.
What happened on this day last year is something that I will never be
able to forget. No matter how many centuries pass by, how much things
change, I will never see this day in the same way again.
Valentine's Day was the day where I lost everything about me that I
knew, and gained everything I thought I would never have.
Today I'm writing it all down for the first time. I'm writing it down
for him.
__________________________________________________________________
Part 1
~ I never told you, that when you smile, I shiver inside.
June 26th, 2005
I was working in the dojo for the first time since that unmentionable
incident at the racetrack in Paris all those years ago, though
MacLeod had stayed out of sight all day.
Yes, it took me that long to finally believe that he wouldn't try it
again. I was still very nervous to spend so much time in close
proximity to MacLeod. Our friendship had to be rebuilt completely,
but at first I couldn't bring myself to attempt it; not without
knowing how to trust in someone.
It was because of Methos that I didn't lose my mind. It was because
of Methos that I learned how to trust again.
He became my best friend, my only friend. I will never forget how he
kept insisting for us to 'hang out', wouldn't take no for an answer.
He even lay down his sword when I tried to challenge him.
He showed me that it wasn't all pain, even when it seemed that way.
Methos told me everything about himself, and instead of scaring me
away, it brought me closer to him. No one had ever been that honest
with me before. He swore that he wouldn't let me turn into the
monster he had once been. He told me that I wasn't meant to go
through all of this alone, and that he would always be there for me.
I guess that's why he waltzed into the dojo 20 minutes before closing
time tonight.
He didn't come to me, though. He walked by, winked, and headed up to
the loft.
Finally, I closed up and slowly walked onto the lift. It had been
years since I used my key, and as I watched myself turn it, I had a
strange sense of security run through me, the feeling of coming home.
When I reached the loft, they were both there, watching and waiting
for me to open the gate and walk in.
A wave of anguish floated over me as I looked in the teary eyes of
Duncan MacLeod.
"Hi Mac," I said, the words flowing easily off of my tongue for the
first time since we'd started talking again. All I had been able to
say before was 'MacLeod', the word serving as a painful reminder of
the distance between us.
Then he did the unexpected, he walked up to me, wrapped his arms
around me and whispered my name.
I froze. My eyes opened wide in shock. Unsure of how to react, my
eyes searched for an anchor, and there stood Methos nodding slightly
as his eyes promised me that this was the right thing, so I let
myself feel again.
I felt Mac tighten his hold on me, and choke on a sob when I returned
the embrace. Soon I found myself clinging to him, burying my face
into his shoulder, and crying so hard I thought I'd never stop.
The moment passed, and nothing else was said. We knew what it meant.
He knew I'd forgiven him, and I knew that he needed my forgiveness so
that maybe someday he could forgive himself.
Something else happened that night, though. At that moment, I chaked
it up to all of the emotional termoil in the air.
Every time there was a silence, I would look over at Methos and find
him watching me, but he would quickly turn his eyes the other way, as
if he didn't want me to know what he was doing.
This intrigued me, so I kept watch for his gaze out of the corner of
my eye, trying to ignore the unexpected butterflies in my stomach.
MacLeod must have noticed, 'cause he excused himself and went to the
bathroom.
"I'm okay, Methos," I assured the stronger man with a weary smile.
He didn't say anything, but an expression I'd never seen before
apeared on his face, and his smile was sweet and sad at the same
time. That smile awakened something in me, something strong and pure
and warm.
Something I contemplated for that moment, and let go of the next.
Months went by and I never mentioned it, but I couldn't help but look
for that smile every time he was near me. I did see it again, almost
every time he smiled at me. It was there, hidden under that smirk of
his, and it was intoxicating.
I found myself doing some ridiculous things just to get him to
laugh. I made sure he looked in my eyes afterwards, just to grasp
his reaction. He always lowered his gaze or turned away as if he
didn't want me to see what he was hiding, but the smile always
remained, tugging at the edges of his lips.
Unable to shrug off the warmth that his smile poured over me, I
embraced it.
I never stopped to think about what was happening between us, it just
felt good, so I went with it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 2
~ I never told you, that when you look at me, I get lost in your eyes.
December 31st, 2006
It was New Years Eve, and we were all in London, spending the
holidays with Amanda.
Well, Mac and I had arrived a couple of days before Christmas, but
Methos, Joe, and Joe's wife Krista hadn't arrived until yesterday
afternoon.
It had been strange to spend Christmas so far away from Methos.
I never noticed how slowly time could go by when you are missing
someone.
I kept busy by having both Mac and Amanda show me the sights. That
was interesting, considering I got the unedited version of the
history of London. They made it seem so real.
I found myself hearing Methos' voice everywhere. It was very
annoying, to say the least.
There I was, finally having some fun, watching the dynamic duo do the
tango in the middle of the street and wondering why they had to do
that all over Europe, when a voice echoed through my head. I spun
around, finding myself searching for him in the crowd that had
gathered to watch the two dancing queens, feeling extremely
ridiculous when I realized that I would have felt his presence if he
were near.
That was only the first time it happened.
After that, I saw him getting on a bus, and two blocks later I saw
him through a window at a small cafe. I was convinced I was going
insane.
I decided to stay in after that.
Then it was Christmas Eve, and we were all sitting by a warm
fireplace. Amanda and Mac were cuddled on a love seat and I was
sitting in a very comfortable chair, getting better acquainted with
the many types of liquor Amanda had dished out for this evening. They
started kissing, and for a moment I thought they had forgotten I was
there.
I didn't mean to watch them, but I found myself unable to tear my
eyes away from the scene before me. It was so romantic, the way the
soft glow from the fire danced along their skin as they tenderly
grasped each other's cheeks and necks. It was truly amazing. How
lucky they are to have what they do.
I turned towards the fire, giving them the privacy they deserved, and
closed my eyes. I felt the warmth of the fire touch my face, and
unconsciously imagined that Methos' hands were the source of that
warmth. I was almost lost in my own mind when I heard Amanda call my
name.
"Richie, are you okay?" she asked me.
Reality gripped on to me, took away my fantasy, and reminded me yet
again of how alone I really felt.
I smiled what I had hoped to be a reassuring smile, but the look on
her face told me that I failed miserably.
Before they could ask anything else, I simply told them I was tired
and excused myself. How could I tell them what's wrong, when I wasn't
even sure myself?
Christmas Day had been almost unbearable, despite Amanda's attempts
at making me feel better. For some strange reason, there had been
mistletoe hanging all over the place, so every time she walked by me
she would point heavenward, wink, and kiss me on the cheek.
Mac, Amanda, and I exchanged gifts, and I realized I hadn't gotten
anything for Methos. Not that I hadn't looked, but nothing seemed to
be appropriate. It had to be something special, and nothing I had
looked at seemed to fit the bill.
That night, as I fell asleep, I hoped he hadn't gotten me anything
either.
When he finally arrived, I felt like an excited puppy. It had taken
every bit of control that I had not to jump off the couch, run to
him, and tell him how much I missed him and how happy I was that he
had finally gotten there. I just stood up, shook Joe's hand, hugged
Krista, and sat back down, waiting for him to say something to me.
"Hey Brat, you haven't been causing any trouble have you?" he asked,
and in that moment, all of the loneliness faded completely from my
being. I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help the stupid grin that made
its way across my face when he smiled.
Before I knew it, it was 2am and everyone seemed to be tired, except
for me of course. I couldn't believe it was so late. We had all been
sitting by the fire again, Joe and Krista on one couch, Mac and
Amanda on the other, and Methos and I sat across the room from each
other on identical chairs.
Joe and Krista said their good nights, and headed towards the guest
house to retire for the night.
Mac seemed ready to continue chatting with Methos, but Amanda quickly
tugged him from the couch and dragged him with her, complaining that
she couldn't sleep alone, knowing that he was here.
"I think that's my cue as well. It's been a long day," Methos said,
immediately after we had been left alone.
I wanted to protest, but didn't. I just nodded and watched him get up
and leave the room.
The loneliness returned.
About an hour later, I walked up to my room. I took off my clothes
and sunk into the bed, only to feel an uncomfortable pain in my back.
I instinctively leapt off of the bed and turned to see what was
there.
A small box, wrapped in silver paper with a card attached to a small
green bow. I studied it suspiciously, knowing that somehow Methos had
left it there for me. I couldn't remember a moment when I wasn't
watching him. He hadn't left the room all night. When in the world
did bring this up here? He must have known I was still downstairs,
and left it before going to bed, that was the only explanation. I
opened the little card.
'To you, Brat, because you drive me crazy. Merry Christmas. ~M'
What a silly man! The card alone was the best Christmas gift anyone
had ever given me.
I opened the box and looked inside to find a key, and a piece of
paper with an address scribbled on it.
"Huh?" I didn't really understand, and I knew I wouldn't find out
what the key was for until we got back to the States, but that wasn't
going to be for at least another two weeks. I put the key and the
note back in the box, and decided to ask him about it the next day.
By the time I woke up, Methos had gone sightseeing with Joe, Krista
and Mac, which left me alone with a curious Amanda.
"Glad to see you're in a better mood. Ready to bring in the New
Year?" she asked casually, pouring me a cup of coffee.
I took the mug, smiled, and thanked her for it, answering her
question with a simple, "Yeah". I couldn't believe it when she didn't
ask me anything else.
By the time everyone got back, Amanda and I were done setting
everything up for the coming New Year. We had the table set for
dinner, the champagne chilling in ice, and all the necessary
components for a small family gathering ready and waiting for
midnight. It was wonderful.
It was eleven p.m. when we all strolled onto the terrace, only to
find that Amanda had set a small table of cheese and wine, along with
some other interesting finger foods. She must have done this while I
was in the shower. There were large and small candles scattered
unevenly throughout the place, leaving some areas less illuminated
than others. I never knew how romantic Amanda could be until that day.
We drank the wine, ate the food, and talked about anything and
everything with each other.
It was so much fun to listen to Krista tell us about some of Joe's
less than appealing bathroom habits. I never thought Joe could blush
like a 12 year old school girl.
I then realized I hadn't asked Methos about the key yet, so I looked
around, finally finding him standing in the shadows, staring at the
night sky. I walked up to him and called his name. Slowly he lowered
his gaze to mine, and our eyes locked.
I gasped.
The voices in the background seemed to fade away, and the entire
world seemed to come to a complete halt.
His soft emerald eyes bore into mine, and I watched as they sparkled
from sapphires, to rubies, to diamonds, to amethysts. Every precious
stone known to man resided in his eyes, and I found myself surrounded
by a treasure I never even knew I desired.
The moment was broken when the slender arms of Amanda circled around
my neck, and she placed a kiss on my cheek, wishing me a Happy New
Year. I shook myself out of my haze and smiled at her, before
MacLeod traded places with her, and he wished me the same.
Before I knew it, Methos had slipped away, and all I had left of him
for the rest of the morning was the memory of his eyes on mine.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 3
~ I never told you, that when you sleep, I sit by your side.
February 15th, 2007
It was the day after Valentine's Day, when he showed up at my door
with two cases of beer and a pizza.
I guess he was trying to make amends for ignoring me all this time.
After New Years he had avoided me at all costs, even after I found
out that the key belonged to the apartment I now live in. We never
talked about what happened on that terrace in London, we never talked
about anything anymore.
When I opened the door, he just said 'Hey Richie,' walked in and made
himself comfortable, as if the act was routine.
I stood by the door, keeping it open, and stared at him in confusion.
"What?" he asked, as if I were the one acting strange.
I just shook my head, closed the door, and walked towards my bedroom.
I had to think.
What the hell was he planning now? Did he think he could just walk
into my life again, and act like nothing ever changed between us? I
gathered my thoughts quickly and returned to the living room, since I
wasn't getting anywhere by asking myself these questions. I played
along with his "everything is normal" sharade, hoping that he would
answer all of them for me.
We ate, we drank, and we talked about how stupid a ritual the
previous day had been. Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact
that Mac and Amanda had gone to some tropical island to sip Mai-Tai's
in the sun, share passionate nights on the beach, and have a blast
while we had stayed here, in Seacouver, with no one to share the
small holiday with.
Good thing it was over.
Even though Mac and Amanda had made a vacation out of the holiday,
and all of the couples in the street still seemed a little more eager
to put themselves on exhibition, we no longer had to deal with the
fact that we had spent it alone, when everyone else seemed to have
someone.
At least, that's what I told myself.
We ended up spending the whole day together, without saying anything
meaningful to one another. I didn't tell him how much I missed having
him in my life, and he didn't explain to me why he hadn't been around
in so long.
I got up from the couch, and went to the kitchen in search of
something to drink, and when I came back I found him sound asleep on
the couch.
I stood there, at the kitchen door, watching him for a moment before
walking closer to him. He had looked exhausted throughout the
afternoon; I could tell he hadn't been sleeping well. I wondered
briefly what could have been keeping him awake, but I brushed the
question aside when he sighed and snuggled himself further into the
couch.
I realized then that I didn't care why he hadn't been around, so long
as he stayed from now on.
I walked to the edge of the couch, and knelt on the floor next to
him, though I wasn't sure what exactly had possessed me to do so. My
hand reached out to push a strand of hair from his face, but instead
of going back to its place beside my own body, it remained there,
softly caressing him. A warm smile crossed his face, and the sound
that he made could only be described as a purr.
There was nothing that I would have rather done at that moment than
kiss him.
I kept seeing him in my mind, opening his eyes, our gazes to locking
together, and leaning in for that first kiss.
Of course that never happened. Just as I was starting to listen to
that little voice that was telling me he would never know if I did
kiss him, his body began to shiver. I shook myself, removing all
kissing thoughts from my mind, and got up to fetch a blanket. As I
tucked the sides of the comforter into the couch cushions, he shifted
in his sleep, causing his hair to fall all over his face again.
My hand again reached for it, pulling it back, and my lips descended
onto his forehead. It had been done on a reflex, but when my lips
touched his skin a shiver ran down my spine, and I found it very
difficult to part from him.
A million different feelings hit me at once, but one stood out in the
rush. It was the longing for that touch, the need to have him close
to me. Finally, I forced myself away from him, but not too far away.
I sat on the floor and lay my head on the couch, next to his, and
watched over him.
Whatever demons had been keeping him awake wouldn't bother him
tonight.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 4
~ I never told you, that when you are near, I feel more alive.
August 5th, 2007
I can't believe what a difference Methos made in my life.
After we started talking again, he got into the habit of coming over
almost every night.
Things were pretty much back to normal for a while.
We watched movies, played chess, and found out how much beer an
immortal could consume before passing out -- not that Methos hadn't
found that one out on his own a couple of times. One night, while out
on the prowl, Methos and I drove all of Joe's customers away when I
attempted to sing on karaoke night, with him as my backup singer.
Except that two weeks, three days and six hours ago, he had left my
apartment without a word, and vanished seemingly into thin air.
I went insane with worry that second night, until Joe assured me that
Methos was okay, and that he would be back soon. Methos just needed
to get away, to clear his head for a while.
Apparently, he had called Joe before skipping town, knowing I would
try to find him if no one knew what had happened to him.
Of course, I felt more than a little responsible for his departure.
We had been talking about something, when Methos made one of his
sarcastic remarks. For some reason the commment made me really angry,
so I told him that I didn't want to see him for a while. For the life
of me, I can't even remember why I was so mad. It wasn't anything
serious; but it had happened before.
I was so confused at the time that any little thing he did made me
angry.
I guess it was because I wanted him to share those little things with
me, instead of doing them around me.
I never expected him to really leave.
Besides, when I said I didn't want to see him for a while, I had only
meant for him to leave long enough for me to cool down. What does "a
while" mean to a five thousand year old man? A year? A decade? I
hadn't thought of that until now.
So I sat at Joe's, drinking my third beer of the night, wondering how
someone who is immortal can feel so dead inside, and how a single
presence could change that in an instant.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 5
~I never told you, that somewhere inside me, warm feelings I hide.
September 20th, 2009
Methos wouldn't tell me where we were going.
He made me dress up, blindfolded me, and dragged me out to his car.
I was trying to track our destination by the timing and direction of
every turn of the car.
The car suddenly came to a halt, but he wouldn't say anything. I sat
there and waited for him to tell me that we were there, and that I
could take the blindfold off now, but that never happened.
I began to feel nervous, and as a reaction, my hands went straight to
my blindfold.
I small jolt of electricity ran through my body when his hands firmly
gripped my wrists and pushed my hands back down to my lap. I could
feel him shifting in his seat, and soon after, I could feel his body
leaning over mine.
I felt his breath caress the side of my face, and the sudden feeling
caused me to awaken in more places than I care to discuss. I could
feel how close to me he was, sending shivers down my spine with every
exhale, and drawing me closer with every inhale. Even as the silent
communion brought me peace, however, a part of me wanted to claw its
way out of my skin and absorb Methos the way he was absorbing me --
to make him so much a part of me that he would never leave again.
"Richie," he whispered in my ear a moment later, and I whimpered. I
couldn't help myself, he was *so* close to me.
"Hhmm?" I asked, suddenly lost in the moment. I could barely think
through the haze of arousal rippling through my body.
I tried to clear my mind, only to start wondering what he would do
next.
Could it be that this was my birthday present? Could it be that *he*
was my birthday present?
"If you don't stop trying to figure out which way we are going, I am
going to have to knock you out, either by the use of highly illegal
narcotics or simply by my hand... this night *will* be a surprise."
His voice was deep and menacing, but at the same time, it was the
most sensual thing I had ever heard.
I didn't answer that question. I just nodded, licked my extremely
dry lips, and folded my hands between my legs.
He was still leaning against me, and my breathing hitched when he
whispered to me again.
"That's a good birthday boy. If you continue to behave, you might
get another surprise later on."
**Is that a promise?** The little voice in my head retorted,
thankfully not out loud.
Had he just propositioned me, or was I just imagining things?
I started to think back on the past year, and wondered why he chose
now to say something like that, when we had spent so much time alone
together. He'd never said or done anything like that before.
When he returned from his disappearing act, I made an ass of myself
in front of everyone. He took my hand, and I just pulled him into a
fierce hug and made him swear that he would never leave like that
again. He simply nodded, and after that, we continued with our lives
as we had done so before. The only difference was that I was feeling
very cozy with him around, like I didn't need anything other than his
company.
I hadn't even dated anyone, not even had a one-night fling.
Nothing.
And slowly I noticed that he hadn't been dating either.
Even when a couple of women had propositioned him in front of me, he
had smiled and declined.
Why would he have passed up a night with two great looking women, to
spend it with me, a beer, and basic cable? It's not like we wouldn't
be doing the same thing again the next night.
I was jolted out of my thoughts by the sound of a door slamming.
Obviously we had arrived at our destination, yet I was so lost in
thought, I never felt the car stop.
I was still leaning against the door when he opened it; so naturally,
I fell out.
He pulled me from the ground by my forearm, and proceeded to make fun
of me as he casually patted the dirt from my clothes.
"Now, act surprised and pretend to be the charming lovable guy
everyone thinks you are," he said to me as we walked.
"Hey! I *am* a charming and lovable guy," I answered in feigned
offense, as we walked through the door.
I don't think he meant for me to hear him mutter out the words, "More
than you will ever know kid."
Four hours later we were stumbling up the stairs to my apartment. We
had gotten so drunk that MacLeod made Amanda drive Methos' car, and
followed her in the T-bird. I think they were surprised when we both
stumbled out of the car and said goodnight, because they were still
there, watching us, until we walked through the door.
Once inside, I couldn't believe my eyes. Angie was sitting on the
couch in my living room, wearing a bow on her head.
"Happy Birthday Richie," she said and ran up to hug me.
This was great! I hadn't seen her in years. After she went off to
college, she never had enough cash or time off to come for a visit.
I wonder how she had gotten here now -- there wasn't a car outside or
anything. How the hell had she gotten in?
That's when I realized what Methos had meant by "You'll get another
surprise later."
Though this was not what I had originally expected, I was too happy
to see her to be truly disappointed. I was just glad that I hadn't
told Methos how much I was looking forward to getting my second
surprise, how much I had wanted to find *him* in my apartment with a
bow on. Just a bow. Although some whip cream, and maybe a cherry
would have been nice...
I decided not to contemplate on what I might be feeling for Methos
any longer. It was time to enjoy the rest of the night with the only
person that knew all of my secrets. Yes even my immortality.
My sweet friend, Angie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 6
~ I never told you, that when I said 'I hate you', I lied.
February 14th, 2011
This was the day that everything changed.
When I say everything changed, I mean EVERYTHING changed.
I woke up, determined that today would be the day I told Methos how I
felt about him. It was a day for lovers after all. I would walk up
to him, say 'Happy Valentine's Day', kiss him, and hope that he
kissed me back. That was the plan.
Of course, when did anything ever go according to plan? Besides, it
seemed that Valentine's Day was always against me. Something always
went terribly wrong. Today was no exception, though this year it
went beyond wrong.
I was about to walk out of the apartment, when I noticed the light on
my machine flashing. There was only one message, and it was from Mac.
He sounded really agitated, said that he needed me, and that it was
important that I went to him right away.
My first thought was that something happened to Amanda. I never
expected what I found once I got there though. I walked into the
dojo and felt a presence. Something had definitely happened to
Amanda, and Joe for that matter. They were both bound to the
equipment, and gagged. Joe looked as if he had been beaten with
something, and Amanda's clothes were all torn. Tears were streaming
from both pairs of eyes.
I didn't know how to feel. I had no idea what was going on, and the
shock had frozen me for a moment. I ran to Amanda first, hoping she
would tell me what had happened and where Mac was. Someone must have
taken him. Just as I was about to pull the gag from her mouth, I felt
the signature of another immortal.
I turned around to find Methos, drenched in blood and with a look I
had never before seen on his face.
My first thought was that he was possessed, like Mac had been with
the dark quickening. My suspicion grew when Amanda started screaming
through her gag. That's when I noticed what he was holding in his
left hand.
"Oh my god," was the only thing that came out of my mouth. I was in
complete shock.
He was holding the head of Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod.
As the reality of the situation began to engrave itself in my mind,
the shock dissipated, freeing so many emotions that I was lost within
them.
Only one thing was clear to me. The man I loved and trusted, the one
I had given my soul away to, had taken away the only father I have
ever known. No, this had to be some sort of mistake. This couldn't
be happening, not now, not today, not by his hand.
But it was all there in front of me. Clear as water in some tropical
place, he had done it.
My head began to move from side to side, and my body shook of its own
accord. The word "NO" slipped from my mouth repeatedly, louder each
time it was pronounced, until it had turned into a desperate cry. I
sunk to my knees in defeat. I had nothing left to live for, not
anymore. The sound of something wet and hard hitting the floor jerked
me out of my solace.
I found myself staring into the tormented eyes of a man I thought I
knew. A thousand clouded emotions shone out through them; fear,
anguish, and sorrow being the only two that were clear enough for me
to recognize.
That's when I lost it, that's when the rage took it's final hold on
me. The only thing that changed about my anger was its direction. I
was angry at myself, because when I looked into those eyes again, all
I could see was that gentle man I knew was inside of him, and all of
the love I felt for him was there, inside of me.
How could I possibly still feel this way, knowing what he had done?
He must have realized then that I knew what he had done, and was not
going to forgive him, because he turned and ran through the doors
before I could reach him. I stood at the door, watching him run away
in the distance. I turned back to see that Amanda was on the floor,
desperately trying to breathe through her tears. Joe was simply
staring at nothing, as if he wasn't even there.
I went back to them, untied them, and left. I needed to think about
what I was going to do next. I'm not sure how many days passed, but I
hadn't left my apartment since the death of my teacher. I hadn't even
talked to anyone. Joe and Amanda have called numerous times, telling
my machine that they have to talk to me about something, but I'm not
ready to face them yet. I'm not ready to explain why I couldn't do
anything to Methos, why I let him walk away.
I rose from my bed and gripped my sword when I felt it -- another
immortal was on the other side of my front door.
"Come in," I said firmly. The door was unlocked, and it was probably
just Amanda.
I never expected him to walk in. Yet slowly, but surely, he made his
way into my living room.
"Richie.... I..." He began to explain, but I cut him off.
"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" I yelled. He had some nerve
showing his face around here after what he had done. I couldn't look
at him. I couldn't.
"Leave," I commanded him, but he wasn't moving....
"It's not what you think," he said, sounding almost desperate.
"I'm not going to fall for that, I'm not..." I kept telling myself
over and over again, but I wanted to believe him. More than anything
in the world, I wanted to believe that I was wrong.
"Get out," I said and turned around to look at him.
He looked beaten.
Broken.
Alone.
My heart tugged at my chest, wanting to pull me towards him, wanting
to make him all better, wanting to forgive and forget.
I was disgusted with myself. How could I still feel so much for him?
"Get out of my house, Methos. GET OUT!" I began to walk towards him,
my sword firmly gripped in my hand. I swung it at the counter to my
right, unable to actually attack him.
"You have to believe me Richie, I didn't do it. Ask the others," he
pleaded, but I wouldn't hear any of it. I wouldn't be fooled by the
mask of indulgent, tender affection he so expertly portrayed. I
wouldn't believe him to be the great man I so desperately wanted him
to be.
"NO! I don't even know you...." I would have continued, but the words
got caught in my mouth when I saw the tears in his eyes, like he
couldn't believe this was happening. What did he expect me to do?
Fall into his arms and offer him my head, too?
"Please Richie, I wouldn't hurt you like that. Never," he said, but
backed away from me when I moved closer.
I got into his face and spit in it.
"GET OUT!!!"
Tears where now streaming from my eyes as well as his, and I
continued to yell at him...
"I HATE YOU! YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
Suddenly I heard the door slam shut, and I knew he wasn't there
anymore, yet I couldn't bring myself to stop yelling.
"I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!"
"I hate you, because I still love you," I sobbed.
I must have cried all night, because when Amanda helped me up from
the floor, it was morning.
She told me how worried she had been, and though she was devastated
by her lovers death, she said that Duncan would have wanted us all to
go on. She made me eat, and shower before finally ordering me to talk
to her. I told her that Methos had been here, and what had happened.
I even told her that I was in love with him. It wasn't until I saw
the look on her face that I realized he had been telling the truth.
It had all been done by three other immortals, and Methos had gone
after them. He must have not even noticed that he had picked up
MacLeod's head until he got to the dojo.
God, I felt so guilty. Would he ever forgive me for all of this?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 7
~ And when you told me you loved me, I couldn't believe, so I cried.
February 17th, 2011
I looked for him all day, only to find him at the only place I never
thought he would be.
My sacred place.
Tessa's work was still on display at this park.
I always went there when there was nowhere else to go. I could always
feel her there, comforting me.
I didn't go there to look for him. I was just giving up my seemingly
futile search, and felt that I needed a mother. I needed Tessa.
I was surprised when he didn't turn around as I approached him.
"At least they're together now," I said, though I'm still not sure if
they really are.
I wondered briefly if Mac's soul would be trapped until the last
immortal died. Does the quickening mean that we never go to the same
place our mortal loved ones go when they have passed?
I rather think not.
"I'm sorry, I was wrong. It just looked so bad Methos," I said,
trying hard to fight back the tears. He nodded, remaining in his
place. I stood still behind him, waiting for something to happen, but
nothing did.
"How could you even think I would do that to you?" he asked in such a
low tone, that I don't think I would have heard him if the breeze
hadn't carried the sound.
He was right. How could I believe it when everything in my heart was
telling me I was wrong, that it had to be a mistake? I looked down
and shook my head, as the tears rolled down my face in a familiar
path. I turned to leave. He wouldn't forgive me now. He didn't have
to.
"Answer me," he ordered, so I turned to him, looked straight into his
eyes, and told him the truth.
"I couldn't, that's why it was so hard," and with that I turned again
and walked away.
Months went by before I saw him again. I guess he went back to
wherever it is he goes.
It was May before he knocked on my door again, but this time he just
stood there until I took his bag and dragged him inside.
"Can we try this again?" he asked with hope in his eyes.
I had been waiting for this day for too long. I couldn't help the
sigh of relief that escaped my lips as I nodded and threw my arms
around him. It was a little strange at first, but as soon as he
wrapped his arms around me too, I knew there wasn't a thing in the
world that could be as right as this.
"I'm so sorry I didn't believe in you. I should have known," I
whispered into his neck.
"It's all right now, Richie. Just remember that I love you, Kid, and
I could never hurt you like that," he murmured into my ear and I
tightened my hold on him.
I never thought I would hear those words from him. I know he doesn't
mean them the way I want him to. He doesn't love me the way that I
love him, but the words are powerful none the less.
My heart broke again, there in his arms, knowing now that he would
never be my lover. He would never hold me till I fell asleep, and
never make love to me in the morning.
____________________________________________________________________
Warning: POV switches around a bit here-
(Notes: everything between < > is Richie thinking. Everything between
* * is Methos' thinking. Everything between # # is italics)
Epilogue
February 14th, 2012 (11:00AM)
