Title: Complicated

Author: AeVaL (SeibaCaper@hotmail.com)

Pairing: Richie/Methos

Rating: PG-15 (I suck at this rating thing)

Distribution: R/M list Archive, and 7th Dim -- if you want it :)~

Feedback: One word. "DUH"

Disclaimer: Richie, Methos, and the concept of immortality all

belong to DPP- No harm, No profit. You know the rest -- The song here

is "Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson- and its all Nikki's fault-

*NOTES: This story takes place about 2 months before "I can't make you love me"

<< Methos' voice>> //Song Lyrics//

**THANKS: To everyone for all the wonderful feedback on "I can't make you love me." It made me very happy, and it made the muses TALK TO ME!

***MAJOR THANKS: To Nikki for the quick beta! You are such a positive person, you think I could borrow your brain sometime... you know, when I need some confidence? :)~

Now, let's get on with it...

Methos watched his stereo impatiently. He wanted it to finish rewinding so that he could listen to the message that he'd recorded for Richie should he ever decide to let the younger man know what he's been thinking for the past couple of months.

It had taken him ages, but he'd finally found the perfect song to explain the way he felt for the young immortal.

The tape was set. He pressed play and listened to it carefully.

<< Richie, there are a few things that I need you to know, but I'm a coward, so I decided to tell this machine instead. Look, this might be the last time you ever hear my voice because I've decided to leave town so just humor me a bit. Don't fast forward through the song, it sort of tells my story well. After the song you will hear my pathetic attempts to explain myself to you. >>

<< I hope this will help you understand why I started acting so differently around you, and then maybe you'll be able to forgive me. I was going to slip this tape into the cassette player in your car, but then I decided that it might not be such a good idea -- I wouldn't want you getting into a car accident on my account. Just listen to it and when you're done, do what you like with it. >>

//I'm so scared that the way that I feel, Is written all over my face. When you walk into the room, I wanna find a hiding place.//

//We used to laugh, We used to hug, The way that old friends do. But now a smile and a touch of your hand, Just makes me come unglued.//

//It's such a contradiction, Do I lie, or tell the truth? Is it fact or fiction, Oh, the way I feel for you?//

//It's so complicated I'm so frustrated. I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay//

//Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel? Oh, I want you to know, But then again I don't It's so complicated...//

//Just when I think I'm under control I think I finally got a grip, Another friend tells me that, My name is always on your lips.//

//They say I'm more Than just a friend, They say I must be blind, Well I admit that I've seen you watch me, >From the corner of your eye//

//Oh it's so confusing, Yeah, I wish you'd just confess, But think of what I'd be losing, If your answer wasn't yes//

//It's so complicated, I'm so frustrated, I wanna hold you close I wanna push you away I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay//

//Should I say it Should I tell you how I feel Oh, I want you to know, But then again, I don't. It's so complicated...//

//I hate it.//

//Cause I've waited, //

//So long for someone like you.//

//Oh, what do I do?//

<< I might have mastered many things in 5 millennia, but I don't know if I can hide from you. You'd never let me. So I stick around and I play your little "friends with benefits" game. I pretend that nothing happens between us on those mornings when I wake up in your arms. I get up slowly from the bed, trying hard not to wake you while there is still so much evidence of what we've done. I walk into the bathroom, and come back out prepared to play the part of your best friend again, my mask firmly in its place. >>

<< I remember a time when I could walk into a room and put my arm around your shoulder without feeling as if I had broken some sort of moral law. It was so easy to be with you then, too easy I suppose. >>

<< I tricked my mind into believing that I didn't want you. That was simple because I was sure you'd never want another man sexually. That all changed when you kissed me. In my mind, the impossible happened. You were attracted to a man, and not just any man, you where attracted to me. It's not so easy to ignore something that's right in front of my face. Soon after that I realized it wasn't just your kisses I wanted, so as we became closer physically, mentally I just pushed you away. >>

<< I don't want to love you, Richie. I don't want to love someone that could never love me back. >>

<< Sometimes I think that I'm mixing things up. I know you love the sex, but Richie, your eyes are so bloody blue I could swear that you feel something. I could swear it's not just sex to you. Then again, those might be my own eyes seeing only what they want to see. I can't look at you anymore, I just can't. >>

<< When I'm with you, the moment I push inside of you, I close my eyes because it's just so good to be there. It's like coming home and all I want to do is stay there forever, but I know I can't. So then I move, and I never look at you, because if I do you might just see that this means more to me than I let on. >>

<< It's so hard not to touch you all the time. So hard to control this constant need to hold you and protect you. I haven't felt like this in so long. I can't help but think that it's wrong somehow. I'm too old. I'm too tainted. Why would you even want me? >>

<< Maybe I'm insane. Joe keeps asking if there is something going on between us. He says all you ever do is talk about me. He said you even asked if I had ever been involved with another man. Why don't you ask me, Richie? Why can't you talk to me? We used to talk. >>

<< Joe said you reacted like a jealous boyfriend when he told you that I had been involved with someone else, said you wanted to know about him. Why? Why is that important to you?>>

<< Sometimes I think Joe's right. I remember the night I left the bar with that woman Joe had set me up with. I remember the look you gave me. I could have sworn I saw pain in that look. Then again, It could have just been my imagination, because I wanted it to hurt you. I wanted you to want me for yourself. >>

<< I wish I could stop pretending. All you have to do is tell me what you think of this relationship we have. I don't have the courage to do it myself. I can't lose you Richie, I can't take that chance. I'd rather have you a little, than not have you at all. >>

<< I want to beg you not to leave in the mornings, and then, after you do, I wonder why I let us get this far again. If I just kept you at a distance maybe things would go back to normal. I just can't say no, not after you put your hands on me. You always smile, whisper my name, give me those bedroom eyes, and caress my cheek with the back of your hand -- I get lost in that moment, and I just can't say no after that. >>

<< I just don't know what I should do. I've lived a long time Richie, and I can honestly say I've never met anyone like you. You understand me more than I understand myself. I don't want to be without you. I don't know if I could go on being who I am now without having you in my life. >>

<>

<< I guess none of this matters now. I just thought you should know that I would never forget you, not even in death. I'll see you when your number is up, but I hope that won't be for a very, very long time, Richie. >>

<< Have a long, beautiful life Brat, and don't lose your head -- it looks better attached. >>

"Oh this is so ridiculous!" Methos pressed the stop button and pulled out the tape. He threw it against the floor and started stomping on it with his heel. He thought for a moment and wondered when exactly it was that his mind had regressed to the age of twelve.

Before Methos could do anything else, he felt the buzz of another immortal. Looking through the window, he saw Richie climbing out of his car. Methos still couldn't get used to the fact that Richie was driving a car, and not his motorcycle. It just seemed so unlike the young man.

He stopped staring out the window when he heard a soft knock at the door. He picked up the pieces of the broken tape on his way to the door, and dropped them in the trash before letting Richie into the apartment.

"Hey Meth, I've got beer and some movies. You up for it?" Richie asked, walking in before Methos could answer.

Richie made himself at home, taking two beers from the 12-pack, and putting the rest in the fridge. Handing Methos a beer, he made his way to the VCR, slipped a movie in, and sat on the couch mere inches from the older immortal.

"Here we go again," Methos mumbled, and took a long drink from his beer.