Lights, Camera, Action!

Author’s Note: The episode being filmed in this fanfic is NOT an actually episode in the T.V show. So you can stop checking the episode names!

Also, I do not know any names of the voice actors in the T.V show, nor any of the producers, animators, sound effects people etc. etc. I just made everybody up. All I know is that Bob Forward and Larry DiTillo write the scripts (at least I THINK they do....)

I only did this for fun. Don’t expect any of my usual character development, or way with words. Also, don’t expect much of a plot. In sincerly suggest you read this ONLY if you have nothing better to do, ‘cause it ain’t that great.

And I’m sorry to anybody I offended during the making of this fanfic (which are probably a lot of people.) This is a satire, and not intended to be taken seriously. Even though I’m not quite what KIND of satire, but I know this is one.

Have I grovelled enough? Now, on with the fic!

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The year was 1998.

The planet was Earth.

The place was a studio in British Columbia.

The age was information.

Inventors inventing, marketers marketing, buyers buying. If you bought a computer you could be sure it would be old news in a month or less. It was indeed a fast world, where glitz, glamour and fame ruled every move you made.

Brilliant minds came up with brilliant thoughts. Some of those thoughts and ideas never came out of the person’s head, but sometimes they did. Sometimes, they were so brilliant that people of high authority decided to make them into things that people could buy, or watch. Such as toys, or TV shows.

The TV show Beast Wars, Beasties in Canada, was one of those things.

William Cartson was very grateful for that. It was how he made a living.

“We’re shooting in fifteen minutes!” came the voice of the show’s director, Dave. “I want you out of that room in five! We have things to do, money to make, people to entertain!”

“Shut your trap!” William shouted back. He looked down at himself. Well, he certainly looked in costume. William checked to make sure the zipper was not showing at the back. It was not, and he was glad. There was only one more thing to do.

William grabbed the rubber mask off the wall. He looked at it. A blue face, a pointed nose, with pointed teeth. The frame around the face was a light brown, with beige stripes. William put the mask on his head.

Now he was not William Cartson, thirty year old American actor from Santa Fey. Now he was Dinobot, ex-Predacon and now Maximal, and warrior extraodinaire.

He grabbed his sword and rotory shield. Even though he had been through one season already, his was still amazed at how real they looked. Of course, they were just plastic. Everything on the set was either rubber or plastic.

William had to grumble as he fiddled with his hand mechanisms. He hated the damn things!

Since his hands were shaped differently than real human hands, the hands of his character were plastic.

His real human hands were tucked somewhere in the wrist. When ever he wanted to move any one of the four fingers, all he had to do was grab one of the bars that were attached to the finger, and pull it down. That was how Dinobot’s fingers moved. Still, William had never gotten the right feel for it, and he was still a bit edgy when it came to the hand mechanisms. He was never sure if he was moving the right finger.

William managed to pick up his sword and shield, walked out of his dressing room and on to the set.

Oh great, the jungle scene again! Will thought. On the set, a patch in the building that was about thirty feet long and wide, were many rubber jungle plants, all painted different shades of green.

“Aw man, this sucks! I gotta call my manager! I’m sick of the jungle scene, it’s so tacky! Get some better set designers on this show!” Optimus shouted. Well, it looked like Transmetal Optimus. It was really a man named Robert underneath the costume.

William smiled, knowing his grin was seen but not caring. Robert was certainly as anti-Optimus in personality as you got. Robert whined and complained and whimpered at everything. It seemed to be his hobby.

“Hey Willy the Wiener!” said Jack, in his bulky Rhinox costume. Jack was Robert’s intimidating leader, Robert was his sniviling underling. Jack was the rudest, foul-mouthed person you could ever find. William wondered why he had ever been cast as Rhinox, the smart and loveable technician.

The man under the Dinobot mask walked off, and met up with some more preferable company. Max, Tyler and Vicki. Otherwise known as Cheetor, Rattrap, Blackarachnia.

“How’s my Cheetor impression?” Max said, rushing up to William and shaking his hand vigorously.

“Stop touching me, furball!” William snapped doing his Dinobot voice. He stepped towards Cheetor, and took out his sword. Unfortunately, he dropped it.

“Damn, I hate these fingers!” William said, still in his Dinobot voice.

“Well you’re lucky, you don’t have to deal with the Pinchers of Death! I crave fingers!” Vicki said in her Blackarachnia voice.

“Pinchers are easy, compared to what I go through, my love!” William said, grabbing Vicki and kissing her with their masks on.

He heard some clapping, and stopped pretending to kiss her.“He he! Dino-butt’s got a girlfriend!” Tyler burst out laughing in his Rattrap voice. He stopped.

“Did that sound like Rattrap?” he asked worriedly. Tyler took off his Rattrap mask. Underneath the mask there was the impressionable face of a seven year old. Alliance had needed someone small to play Rattrap, so they had found the most talented short kid they could find. Tyler fit the bill perfectly.

“It was great” William said, also taking off his mask. Cheetor did too, and transformed into Max, the twenty-five year old Canadian actor.

“Okay, let’s talk about how bad our costumes are” Vicki said, trying to spark up some conversation. William admired how she always tried to be interesting, and keep all her friends talkative. She looked down at her body, all covered with yellow and black rubber.

“For starters: the breasts” Vicki said. “This is totally degrading to any female!”

“Well, you’re lucky there are even any girls in this show!” Max exclaimed. “This is supposed to be a guy show! None of the producers like girls."

"Ah, we still live in a male dominated society" Vicky said with a sigh.

" I gotta agree with not having too many women though" William said. "I mean, this is a bang-bang-shoot-em-up show. They can't have too many prissy little women running around, or it would spoil the effect."

Vicki slapped William with her pinchers, and he laughed. He knew she was not seriously offended.

"Besides" Wil added "women mean loving relationships. They mean conversation and talking, not just macho shoot outs. And, little kids just can't deal with feminin sophistication."

"Damn right!" Vicki said happilly.

"Even the toy line is for guys" Max continued. "There are only two toys that are female, you and Air Razor.”

“Hold it!” Tyler said. “In the toy-line, Air Razor was a FEMALE?!”

“I checked on the toy box” Max replied.

There was a deathly silence.

“So” Vicki said, breaking the tense mood. “So, the Air Razor on the TV show, was supposed to be a girl.”

“I think so” Max said hesitantly.

“Oh my God” William said, still shocked. “All this time I thought the guy that played Air Razor was......well....a GUY!

“Me too!” said Tyler. "Hmm... maybe I should have taken my clue from when they were holding hands in Other Voices part 1..”

William remembered the guy.....well....girl, that had played Air Razor. The girl had had hardly any chest, and had a somewhat boyish face. And it’s voice certainly had sounded like a young man’s.

So, they had naturally assumed that Air Razor had been a male. And now, they had seen a complete contradiction to all that they had thought to be true. It was an eye opener, and William began to wonder if he would ever trust his eyes again.

“What was the name of the person that played Air Razor?” Tyler asked.

William racked his memory. “Jessie” he said.

“Oh great, it’s a non-gender specific name!” Vicki said, putting a pincher to her forehead. “Well......Air Razor, whoever IT was, was cut from the TV show” Vicki said, somewhat shakilly.

“What a relief that is!” Tyler said. William and Max nodded.

“And I’m glad Tigatron left too” William said, tactfully changing the conversation. “That guy was such a chain smoker.”

“Tell me about it” Max nodded. “Why do you think he had black stripes? Nicotine stains! He clogged up the set with smoke. Oh sure, it was good for the volcano scenes, but for the other scenes......that guy was a jerk!”

“And he’ll be coming back in the third season too” said Tarantulus, who had joined the conversation. Tarantulus was actually a skinny, lanky man named Hank.

Hank smiled an all-knowing smile at them. “I’m good friends with the producer.”

William felt another flash of anger. Hank was the person who most fit the character he portrayed on the show. Hank knew almost everything, and only spoke about his knowledge when he felt like it. Other than that, the man was a taciturn. He had all his lines memorized, and never ever messed up. Whenever a scene had to be repeated, it as never HIS fault. A perfect director’s pet.

“It’s only for a cameo appearence, as well as MISS Jessie” Hank said, smiling.

“And” he added “William here will be cut. Finished. Adios amigos!” Hank grinned even wider.

“So, now that we’ve done “Tangled Web” you’ve turned into a minor character” Max replied.

“We’ll see” Hank said, then he quickly walked off.

William groaned. His departure was all too true. He had heard it straight from Dave, the director’s mouth. Dinobot was going to die off, and never come back. Oh, he would still get a full weeks salary of course. When he had asked Dave why, he was told that “Mainframe needs some more money, and they had to cut back on characters. You’re one of the more popular ones, and we’ll get more ratings if you die.”

William sometimes felt he was just a pawn in the game of life, and that REALLY annoyed him. But, there was nothing he could do about it.

“That’s show biz” he grumbled. He felt Vicki pat his arm with one of her pinchers.

“We’ll all miss you you know” she said, softly. Tyler sniffled, and Max bowed his head.

There was a loud belch from behind them. The four of them turned to see a grey and white clad man, with two attendants swarming around him, holding beers up to him. Silverbolt, really a man named Sam, threw away a beer bottle and grabbed another one, this time a Kokanee. He opened it up and began to drink it.

“How can do that with that mask on?” Vicki asked, disgusted and annoyed.

“It’s easy,” Silverbolt, also known as Sam, replied. “I have a hole in my mask for breathing, but it can be used for other things.” He drowned the beer in one more gulp and sighed contentedly.

“You know we do have a show to do” Blackarachnia, AKA Vicki said. “It’s not good to be drinking.”

“And who are you, spokes-woman for Alcoholics Anonymous?” Silverbolt snapped. “I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!” he screamed, and stalked off.

“This is really turning me off drinking” Tyler said.

“Good, because drinking stinks, okay?” Max said, his eyes full of concern. Ever since he had come into the Beast Wars/Beasties television show, he had always watched out for Tyler.

“PEOPLE!” Dave the director pounced on Vicki, shaking her hands. “You need to get on the set, Vick! We’re doing a Pred scene, and we need you in it!”

A Pred scene. Those were three words the whole entire cast of Beast Wars dreaded. Vicki sighed.

“Okay” Vicki said in her best Blackarachnia voice. She walked onto the jungle scene.

“Pray for me” she whispered to the three Maximals. They nodded. Tyler clasped his hands together, closed his eyes an muttered some words:

“Now as we go out on the set, I pray we don’t meet our death, And screw up all our lines and scenes, And have to be busking on the streets for beans, In Jesus name, Amen.”

“Nice” Max commented.

“Well guys, let’s watch the fireworks” William said.

The whole entire Predacon fleet came out onto the set. Dave busily told them their places, and where they would be standing. Presumably, everyone had read their scripts beforehand, so they were supposed to know what they were doing.

“Pred scene: take one!” called the camera-man. “Action!”

“Why are we going to attack the Maximal base again?” Blackarachnia asked of Megatron.

“I told you, Blackarachnia....oh darn!” Megatron started out fine. Then, his deep baritone voice turned reedy, right at the beginning of the “Black.”

“Cut!” Dave shouted. “Benji, what happened?” the director asked worriedly of Benjamin, the actor who played Megatron.

“I wasn’t in character, and my voice messed up” Ben replied, sullenly. “I’m really sorry guys....” he began.

“Well” Inferno commented, “that’s what happens when you don’t do vocal warm-ups. I always favor the “do, ray, me, fa, so la, tee, doe” method, but that has gotten SO out of style these days......”

“Yes” Waspinator agreed. “Quite out of date. I remember a time when I was the star in Les Miserables, John val John. My co-star did not have his accent working properly. It nearly ruined the opening night.”

“Well I remember when I starred in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Evita-” Inferno began.

William sighed. Chris, Inferno, and Douglas, who played Waspinator, always fought with each other like this! It was so annoying!

“You played Evita?” Douglas asked.

“No!” Chris said indignantly. “I played Che Guevera, who OBVIOUSLY was the main actor. Only a half-wit would think otherwise...”

“People, one-upmanship can come LATER!” Dave said. “Time is money and money is good. Ben, get your voice in gear!” he ordered.

“I think it is” Benjamin said meekly.

“Good!” Dave snapped. He walked offstage. “From the top!”

“Pred scene: take two” the camera-man said. “Action!”

The scene started again.

“Why are we going to attack the Maximal base again?” Blackarachnia asked.

“I told you, Blackarachnia” Megatron replied. William hoped he would keep his voice that way through the rest of the scene.

“This time we have a weapon that can’t fail!” he said, pointing behind him. The camera panned over to Waspinator, Quickstrike and Inferno, who were tugging a huge cannon. It was, of course, a plastic one, but it looked real enough.

“This” Megatron continued “is the hyper, sensor driven plasma neuronic disruptor cannon.”

Quickstrike burst out laughing.

“Cut!” Dave shouted, even louder than before. “Tom, what the heck was that about?!” he demanded of Tom, who played Quickstrike.

“It was just so funny...HAHAHAHAHAHA! He could....HAHAHA....say it all in one breath.....a buch of techno-babble....HEHEHAHAHA!!” Tom giggled in a very un-Texan accent.

“Tom, calm down” Vicki said. “Think of the flame and the void. The flame is going into the void, think of that. Picture only the flame and the void. Only that. One flame, and one void. The flame and the void.”

“Flame and the.......AHAHAHAHA! You’re killing me!!!!” Tom laughed, holding his sides. He choked, and tried to get air through his mask. Vicki sighed.

“Now, in sitiuations like this, I think Chinese chanting is best” Chris, Inferno, stated with a contemptable sniff. “It calms down the nerves.”

“Chinese chanting? You fool!” Douglas, Waspinator, cried.

“Aboriginal chanting is best for calming the nerves! Only a maniac would think otherwise...”

“Chinese.....aboriginal......chanting....HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Tom kept on laughing. He had thrown off his mask and was gasping for air.

William sighed. The people who acted as Predacons were almost as dysfunctional as the Predacons themselves.

“Hey, water boy!” he whistled to the youngster, who came over to him, timidly.

“Bring me a bottled water” William said. “And unscrew that damn cap!” he shouted after it. “I can never do caps” he mumbled to Max, who nodded in agreement.

When the water boy came back, nothing had changed. Vicki and Ben were standing around wondering what to do. Douglas and Chris were bragging about stage productions they had been in. Tom was still laughing away, every word he heard adding to the hilarty of the situation.

William took bottled water from the kid, walked out onto the set, and dumped it on Tom’s head.

That seemed to awaken Tom. He shook his head, and stopped the flow of giggles. “Don’t EVER let me get carried away like that again!” he exclaimed, wiping his face and putting his Quickstrike mask back on.

“Okay, ONE MORE TIME!” Dave shouted. “We’re starting from the “neuronic whatever” line.”

Quickstrike giggled quickly, but did not burst out in the tornado he had done before.

“Pred scene: take three” the camera-man said. “Action!” The camera panned back to Megatron’s face.

“With this cannon” Megatron said, “we can destroy the Axalon, and bring the Maximals to their knees, yesss. Why do I always say that?”

“CUT!” Dave shrieked again. “That was not in the script!”

“But why do I always say that?” Benjamin asked, in his normal reedy voice again.

“Because it makes you an idividual” Dave said. William knew that type of voice. It was a calm voice, the type Dave only did when he got really ticked. Ben also knew that signal, and he looked prepared for the worst.

“Because” Dave continued, his voice getting sweeter “it makes you you! Because....THAT’S WHAT WE PAY YOU FOR!!!!” he screamed. Benjamin winced.

“Okay, from the “neuro cannon whatever line” got it?!” Dave growled, glaring at Benjamin. Ben nodded quickly.

“Predacon scene: take four” the camera-man said. “Action!”

“With this cannon, we can destroy the Axalon, and bring the Maximals to their knees, yesss” Megatron said.

“I’ll believe it when I see it” Blackarachnia respond, swiviling her hips.

“Blackarachnia, so little faith you have in me” Megatron sighed.

“My Queen has all the right ideas!” Inferno said smartly.

“Buddy, there’s got to be something wrong with you!” Quickstrike said.

The rest of the scene passed without incident. Which was very good. William looked at Dave, and saw that their director looked significantly more relaxed.

“Cut. That’s it!” Dave said, smiling. “Let’s go to the other set! The second scene, the one with all the Maximals. Get the base interior set out here!” Dave shouted. The set and lighting managers did their jobs and moved the set around.

“Great job guys” William congratulated them. “A little shaky at first, but after that you did fine.”

“Neuronic techno disruptor cannon....HEHEHEHAHAHAHA!” laughed Tom, taking off his mask and laughing again. William just shook his head.

“Okay Maximals, get your butts out here!” Dave shouted. “Hurry, hurry!”

All of the Maximal actors put on their masks and re-zipped their costumes.

“Let’s break a leg guys!” Tyler said. He paused. “On second thought, I’d rather keep my leg.....”

He was hushed onto the set by Dave. William began to feel that familiar tingle of fear and excitement that always came with acting. But no, he could not look like he was acting. He had to be real, a living breathing Dinobot. He had to feel how Dinobot would feel, and see through the eyes of his character.

“Maximal base scene: take one” the man behind the camera said. “Action!”

“You slag breathing son of a overgrown lizard!” Rattrap snapped at Dinobot.

“Cheese licking, slime sucking son of an overgrown rat!” Dinobot growled back. Had he missed one of his lines? Oh well, it was a standard insult scene. No one would really care if he screwed up on this.

“When we insult others we try to make our insults original” Cheetor said, coming in from the opposite hallway.

“Shut up furrball- whoops!” Dinobot gasped, falling out of character.

“Cut!” Dave said. “Can’t you even remember that he’s a Transmetal, Will? Don’t forget that! Why do you think he’s all green and silver, not yellow and blue? He’s a TRANSMETAL!”

“You’re all suckers for the toy-line, and you know it” William snapped back. Sometimes he just felt so angry at society, and everything! Then he smiled. Maybe it just made him a better actor to play Dinobot.

“You’re so stupid, Will” Rhinox, Jack, taunted. “You can’t even remember the word Transmetal. Want me to spell it out for you? T-R-A-N-Z-M-E-T-E-L! Haha! I can spell it and you can’t! I’m better than you!”

“You stink!” Optimus said, pointing at him. “You stink bad!”

“Hey, I SAY HE STINKS!” Jack said angrilly, turning to Robert. “You just laugh at whatever I say! You do not do the insults, I DO!”

“Yessir!” Robert, AKA Optimus said, nodding.

“Okay, people, enough’s enough” Dave said. “Take it from the Dinobot insult line. PLACES!”

Everybody scrambled into their proper settings.

“Maximal base scene: take two” the camera-man said. “Action!”

“Shut up you walking pile of scrap metal!” Dinobot snapped. Good, he had done that line perfectly.

“Hey! Well, at least I don’t have the attitude of a frying pan!” Cheetor replied.

“Of course, you have the attitude of dog droppings!” Dinobot replied. He wondered why the producer had let them say such pointless things on a TV show. It was a waste of air time, everyone knew it. Damn writers!

“You two are so immature!” Rattrap snapped.

“Shut up Rat-butt...waitaminute, can we stop this?” Cheetor asked, turning back into Max.

“Cut! Why?” Dave asked, glaring at Max.

“This is so degrading” William said.

“Yeah, our characters probably have better things to do than dish out lame insults” Tyler said, nodding.

“Okay, NAME ME A COUPLE!” Dave shouted, and waited to see their response.

“Umm......Cheetor could be mourning for Tigatron and Air Razor” Max said. “Why didn’t anybody mourn for them?”

“Dinobot could be practicing sword fighting” William said.

“Rattrap could be cleaning up his quarters” Tyler said. “Rattrap’s room is supposed to be pretty messy....”

“Well yes, they could be doing all these things, BUT NO ONE WOULD CARE!” Dave shouted. “You do what you are paid to do! Do it!”

“And people really care about how much we insult each other?” Max asked. “I don’t think so.”

“Shut up and do it!” Dave snapped.

“We have now entered: the Lamer Zone” Max whispered to the other to, humming the Twilight Zone theme song. Tyler chuckled and William nodded.

“Maximal base scene: take three” the camera-man said. “Action!”

“Shut up Rat-butt!” Cheetor snarled.

“Do you have tah clean out your litter-box?” Rattrap replied rudely.

“I will when you clean up your room!” Cheetor replied.

“Why don’t both go and do that, so I can get some peace!” Dinobot replied.

“We will when you go put some deoderant on!” Rattrap replied.

“You guys! We have a serious problem here!” Rhinox said. “The Predacons are heading towards the base.”

“So? We go out and blast ‘em!” Cheetor said, holding his hands together, and forming his laser gun.

“I’m afraid that’s impossible” Rhinox replied. “They have a giant cannon with them! If any one of us gets hit with it we’d be scrap for sure! And if that cannon hits the base, we can kiss the Axalon good-bye.”

“We’re all gonna die!” Rattrap shouted. William could tell how much Tyler abhorred saying that line.

“Shut up Rattrap!” Optimus said, heroicly coming into the scene. “We must fight it!”

“Die” Rattrap replied.

“Didn’t I tell you to shut up?” Optimus sighed, a teasing note in his voice. William wondered how someone so obnoxious could play such a heroic character.

“That’z right....my friendsh” Silverbolt came in, staggering.

“Cut!” Dave shouted again. “Is he drunk?” he asked.

“Give us your best guess!” William shouted. He sighed. Silverbolt, AKA Sam, was a major drinker. He was almost as bad as Tigatron, who had been the smoker.

Vicki walked onto the set in full costume and kicked Sam. He shook his head.

“Ow.....hertsh!” he said, clutching his head.

“Who hired this guy?” Vicki asked.

“It wasn’t me!” Max replied.

“Haha!” Jack laughed, pointing at Silverbolt. “He’s been drinking. I don’t drink!”

“I know you don’t, because you’re cool!” Robert, Optimus, replied.

“Yeah, I’m so cool!” Rhinox, Jack, replied, grinning a self- deceiving grin.

William groaned. First he had to go through that awful lame insult scene, and a co-star was drunk!

“They never should have put alcohol on the set” Tyler said. William nodded.

“Okay, we’ll do this scene when Sam’s sober!” Dave shouted. “Let’s go to the Tarantulus scene. Get the energon cave set, come on people!”

“Dum de dum dum, dum de dum dum duhhh!” sang Max.

“Ahem, you’re not in this scene” Hank said, in full constume. “Get off the set.”

All the Maximals as well as Vicki got off, casting him dark glances.

Tarantulus did his scene perfectly, as was to be expected. He did not really have any tricky lines to say. All he did was talk to himself, notice on his scanners that the Predacons were carrying a cannon, talk some more and head off. He told the audience that he was going to hijack the cannon and destroy all the Predacons as well as the Maximals.

William sighed. Another bad storyline, along with “The Web” and “A Better Mousetrap.” Why could they not get any good writers?! It was so frusterating!

“Hank that was great!” Dave said when the scene was over. “So sue me, I think you deserve an oscar!”

“You’re right” Hank said, walking off-set.

The scene after that, though, was a disaster.

And, on the Beast Wars set, disasters meant fight scenes.

More coming soon! Or at least when Starlight gets off her butt and writes some more!