12 Steps To Better Understanding Kronos' Promos

Skarrphace, while being a dominant force in wrestling today, is NOT a licensed therapist. He has never taken any classes or been to any Whatever Anonymous meetings. Skarrphace has never been a member of any 12 step programs and he is definitely NOT a caring nurturer. What he is about to do, however, can be labeled as therapy. For the mind.

So lay back, relax, and listen.

And learn.

In world news today, officials decreed that wrestler Michael Vincenetti, alias Skarrphace, must be stopped. After being monitored by secret service agents for 2 years, evidence leads Tobacco & Fire Arms officials to believe that is literally dope interviews promote drug usage and distribution, degrade women, influence gambling, promote and teach violence, and more importantly, it's influencing our minors and destroying our communities. Officials say he's a lord of underground wrestling, and him and his interviews must be stopped.

. . . . . The scene fades into the picture in front of you. You see Skarrphace standing in front of a large movie screen. You can tell you're inside some auditorium, as the camera pans and you see well over a hundred different desks scattered about. There is a large table near where Skarrphace is standing. On the screen, you see a projected image that reads "12 Steps To Better Understanding Kronos' Promos" in big black lettering. No one is sitting in the classroom, Skarrphace is alone as he speaks . . . . .

Skarrphace: Welcome to UCLA, and one of the many classrooms here in the science wing of the Johnson Medical building. I have purchased time here to show you a presentation regarding someone that I think needs a little explaining. You see, Kronos took it upon himself to speak disparingly against me in one of his recent promos, and while I was able to understand a small portion of his interview, I must admit, I had trouble with the majority of it. And while pondering this, I thought to myself that I certainly can't be alone in that, so I decided to put together a presenation entitled "12 Steps To Better Understanding Kronos' Promos"! So, if you're all ready, let's begin.

. . . . . Skarrphace takes a small remote control from the table and clicks a button on it, as you see the first slide come on the screen . . . . .

Skarrphace: Ok here we go....Step 1...get a comfortable chair. You're gonna need this cuz all of his promos are EXTREMELY long and you wanna be sure that you're comfortable through the long journey.

Skarrphace: Now....Step 2...buy a Playstation and rent as many Final Fantasy games as you can, then play them all. It's not necessary to solve the game, just play it. Get familiar with the characters, and if you can, buy the guides that go with each game and read them cover to cover.

Skarrphace: Step 3...forget what you've learned in Sunday School. Kronos is your New God.

Skarrphace: And Step 4...make a color chart to reference when reading. A lot of times, you can't see who is speaking in Kronos' promos. It's just voices. So, get a chart together and assign colors to the various voices, so you can determine who's talking. Something like this:

Skarrphace: Step 5...Kronos' promos usually have very little to do with wrestling, as he doesn't think of it as wrestling but a Holy War...so be prepared for a lot of references that you have no idea what they mean, and chances are, he doesn't either.

Skarrphace: Step 6...There will be a point while you're viewing the promo when you just wanna turn it off. Don't. It's important that you stick through it, even though you've grown tired of it and wonder how he can possibly feel he is so indestructable. If you have to, take a break from it, walk away, and come back after you've given your eyes time to adjust.

Skarrphace: And now...Step 7....Listen to the song in his each of his promos carefully, as it was probably something you heard while playing Final Fantasy. If you can recognize it, then you have completely gone head over heels into Kronos' world. Congratulations.

Skarrphace: Deep breath....and now, Step 8...Repeat Step 3. Breathe deeply and repeat..."Kronos is my new God. Kronos is my new God." If you have a blackboard or dry-erase board in your home, write that down 10 times on that board now.

Skarrphace: Step 9...If you've come this far, then you're serious about wanting to better understand Kronos' promos. Commend yourself on this point now by playing Final Fantasy 8 for an hour.

Skarrphace: Step 10...now, if you're reading this, you've successfully come back from playing Final Fantasy 8. Either you've solved the game and there's no point in playing it again, or you got stuck. If you've solved the game, there's no need to continue reading Steps 11 and 12. If you got stuck, there is hope. Read on.

Skarrphace: Step 11....your butt has now fallen asleep in the comfortable chair you were sitting in. You've tried playing Final Fantasy 8, but you just can't seem to grasp it. Plus you know from playing Final Fantasy 7 that there is a LOT of stuff you're missing, you just don't know where to look. Here's hope. Don't try and fool yourself into believing that Kronos actually knows what he's talking about. He is just a man.

Skarrphace: And finally...Step 12...if you've come this far, then you get a congratulations from The Only 1 That Matters. Listen. Here's the big secret to understanding Kronos' promos. You can't. There it is, I said it. You can't. No one can. Oh yeah, people may SAY they can, but in truth, they can't. I can't. I am there, right there with him, in the first 2 or 3 minutes....then he just loses me. I'm sure he loses many of you too, and it's ok. Step 12 is admitting that you have no clue what he's talking about and forgetting about it. Forgetting him. He is NOT your God. He is NOT your Savior. He is NOT the last thing you see before you die. He is NOT the greatest fighter in the history of the world...he's not even the greatest fighter in the history of the NWWF.

. . . . . Skarrphace presses another button, and you see a logo for Skarrphace appear on the screen now, as he sets the remote control down onto the table and moves in front of the screen, the image of his logo now on his body and the shadow his body creates now on the screen. . . . .

Skarrphace: Kronos, this part is for you. Just listen....you and I are on a collision course. You may not know it yet, but I am in your future. You think that you are all-knowing...all-seeing. I know what I know and I see a cowardly child before me. You are not a man. And when our paths finally do cross, I will enjoy making an example out of you. A real life example of what happens when fantasy meets reality. Reality bites, doesn't it, Kronos? When the reality of the situation hits you in the face, you won't be able to do a damn thing about it but wish for a way out. The ropes....can you reach them? HELL NO. The exit to the arena...surely I can crawl to it....HELL NO. My car....if I can just get to it.....HELL NO. There will be no way out for you....no escape. So the next time you look into the future, think about me. The next time you bore the NWWF, think about me. Every time you wake up, I want you to think about me, and what I'm going to do to you. Every word I say is true. Every word I say is REALITY. This is real. I am for real. You are going down, Kronos...there's nothing you or I can do to stop that now. A word or two of advice. Enjoy the ride, bitch.

. . . . . Skarrphace stares at the camera for a moment, then leaves the room, the image of Skarrphace's logo on the screen still, the silence deafening, as the scene fades to black . . . . .

Oh baby...that was the bomb. How you lovin' that one, K-Dawg? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention my opponents next week for ShowDown...Cross and Keiji...you guys are next. No 12 step programs for you though...just an all out ass-whippin' from The Only 1.

It's coming.

Just be patient.