House of Cards

The following is a SkarrPhace roleplay. The proper steps should be taken at this time to insure that you are fully prepared for the mental assault that is about to take place on your brain. There is a 5 cent refund if you return this to your local grocery store if you live in Wisconsin, Indiana, Illinois or Iowa. There is a 10 cent refund in Michigan...

Why?

What's so f*ckin' special about Michigan?

Get it.

In world news today, officials decreed that wrestler Michael Vincenetti, alias Skarrphace, must be stopped. After being monitored by secret service agents for 2 years, evidence leads Tobacco & Fire Arms officials to believe that is literally dope interviews promote drug usage and distribution, degrade women, influence gambling, promote and teach violence, and more importantly, it's influencing our minors and destroying our communities. Officials say he's a lord of underground wrestling, and him and his interviews must be stopped.

. . . . . The scene fades into the picture in front of you and you see a large sign on a door that looks something like this . . . . .

. . . . . Then, standing next to the glass door, wearing a pair of black dress slacks and a white silk shirt, is Skarrphace. He's got his trademark platinum chain on with the "1" pendant on it. He stands there, looking at you through the sun's glare of his sunglasses. He has a grin on his face as he speaks . . . . .

Skarrphace: Welcome to the Hoyle Cards card-making factory in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Wait...this is Kenosha, Wisconsin, right? *looking beyond the camera to the cameraman* I mean, that's what I was told....

Skarrphace: You idiot....anyway, we're here at Hoyle Cards....and I thought that since one of my opponents was Chris Card this week, I might come and find out a little about why he calls himself what he does....Chris Car-duh....Carrrr-duh....it rolls off the tongue....Carrrr-duh....well anyway, let's go inside shall we? And see what we find....on our journey through....the House of Cards!

. . . . . Skarrphace enters the building and you see a lovely secretary behind this large desk. She simply motions as Skarrphace goes through another door, and now the sounds of machinery are heard. To the left, you see stacks upon stacks of playing cards. To the right, a large doorway which leads outside again, and you assume now that you're looking at a loading dock. Skarrphace walks on and you see a man working a press machine. He looks to be around 50 years of age, overweight slightly, with scruff on his face from not shaving for at least a week. Skarrphace approaches the man and extends his hand . . . . .

Man: NWWF! I know you, I've watched you on T.V. the last few weeks...you've really made quite the impact!

Skarrphace: *to the camera quietly* A fan...how nice. *now speaking aloud again* Well, if you know who I am, then you must know why I'm here...oh, for the record, what is your name?

Skarrphace: You're half right...you see I'm here to do some research on why Chris Carrr-duh has that name...and I figured that this would be the best place...I mean, Hoyle is the largest producers of cards in the world today....what better place....so tell me, Jim....what's your job here at Hoyle?

Jim: Well, we produce the cards and when I get 'em, I stamp the numbers and stuff on 'em with this press machine...

Skarrphace: *interrupting Jim* An admirable job, to be sure....*coughs*....now, Jim...can you take a break from this for a moment and show me to where you send cards that don't make the final cut, so to speak? You know, cards that for some reason aren't Hoyle quality, and therefore can't be sent out to the public to play Go Fish with....

Jim: I'm sure the boss won't mind...seeing as how it's for you and all, Skarrphace...

. . . . . The two men walk off from where they are as the camera follows behind them. Jim enters a small room, then enters another. Skarrphace follows. Soon, they get to a doorway that reads "REJECTS" on it. Jim stops, with a proud look on his face . . . . .

Jim: This is it, Mr. Vincenetti....the Rejects room...if a card gets messed up, it goes in here. We burn 'em out back once a week....and we...

Skarrphace: *interrupting him again* Yes....very good, Jim, now thank you...and tell the nation goodbye now...

. . . . . Skarrphace enters the room and in large piles strewn all across the floor are playing cards. Skarrphace walks over to a pile of them laying close to the doorway. He leans down and so the camera focuses in. Skarrphace reaches and picks up a card. 10 of clubs, and then on it, the word "CHRIS". Skarrphace makes a weird look on his face and drops it. Then reaching down, he picks up another one. Ace of Hearts this time, and pressed on it is the word "CHRIS" as well. Skarrphace drops and kicks the pile. The camera focuses in and you can see that on virtually every card, the word "CHRIS" is on them. Skarrphace stands and turns towards the camera with a grin on his face . . . . .

Skarrphace: Well, it would appear that every single one of these rejects is a Chris card....*laughs*....get it, Chris "card"....Chris Card....yeah, let's break it down...make it real easy for the idiots to understand. I came into this company to save this company. My name is Skarrphace, and with that name comes more respect and more talent than Chris Card and Cross have together....Cross talks about how I was a has-been....that's funny comin' from a punk that's a never-will-be....what have you done in your career, Cross? What about you, Card? Nothing. I am the Accomplisher. I am the Excellence. I am the Only 1 That Matters, and come Sunday night...when the curtain draws near and the lights come down on center ring....the show will begin...and Omar Owens and Skarrphace will take to the sky, and we'll take to the air...and we'll take to the ground....and we'll take to the chairs....because nothing...and I do mean nothing will stop us from destroying you and making our impression in the NWWF felt. Card, you're a loser, take a look. This is your life. Failure after failure....rejection after rejection. This room is just an example....there are many more. And when it's time to jump, Skarrphace will jump higher and stronger and farther than either of you could possibly imagine. So if you're ready....then hop up on the Merry-Go-Round, fellas...and let's ride....

. . . . . Skarrphace turns and kicks at the piles of cards, scattering them in the air, and then they fall all around the camera, until they cover the camera, and all you can see is blurred images of the word "CHRIS" over and over, overlapping. The scene then fades to black . . . . .

Yeah, I think that did the job. Hell, I don't think that Cross or Card can do better than that....hell, put together, their brains don't equal half of mine...or Omar's. Yeah, I think we got it locked down...what do YOU think?

It doesn't matter.

Does it?