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"Soul Bossa Nova" by Quincy Jones & His Orchestra

The scene fades in from the fuzz on your screen. In front of you is a cloudy mist. You don't know where
you are or what time of day it is. As the mist clears, you see a figure standing before you, resembling the character
"Austin Powers" only a bit different, the hair is now blond, the skin a ghostly white. But the glasses, the teeth, the
whole bit is exactly like Austin Powers. As the figure stares back at you, he then breaks into silly laughter and speaks.

Paustin Hours: *in a fake English accent* 'Ello me lovelies! C'mon in, will you? I'm Paustin Hours! That's right, I said Paustin Hours....now many people say I'm as sexy as that superstud Austin Powers....and I tell them to behave! *laughs* Now, let me get right to the point, shall I? *grins* I'm here...in all this *coughs* mist to tell you a story....a story that will blow your mind, baby....but before I'm able to tell you this story, we need to pick up a traveller with us on our journey....he's right over there....so let's wake him, shall we? C'mon, it'll be fun!

The mist clears completely and the room is dark. Then, from a few feet away, you see Paustin Hours light
up a flashlight, putting it below his chin, pointing upwards on his face.

Paustin Hours: BOO! *laughs* Did I scare you, baby? Did I? Did I scare you silly??! Now, keep your voice down will you? We're here in the mansion of one very important person....a Mr. Skarrphace....yes, I've heard quite a bit about his face....get it....Skarr....Phace....oh nevermind....*voice trails off*.....so yeah, here we are, and we're actually in his bedroom right now, so be quiet while I go wake him up, alright?

Paustin Hours shines the flashlight on a sleeping Skarrphace laying in his large super-king sized bed. Hours
walks over to him, shining the light on his face, causing Skarrphace to swipe at it. Again, and Paustin seems amused.
You hear him say to himself "Isn't this fun?" and laughing quietly as suddenly Skarrphace sits up, reaches under his
pillow and pulls out a handgun of some kind.

Skarrphace: Goddamn it, quit shining that damn light in my face or I'll blow your fuckin' brains out....

Paustin Hours: No need to shoot, Mr. Skarrphace, it's only me, Paustin Hours, Intercontinental Man of Misery....here to take you and the rest of our beloved audience on a 3 hour tour of epic proportions....

Skarrphace: *looking at his clock* It's 3:15 in the goddamn morning, you freak....how the hell did you get in here, first of all, and who the hell is Paustin Hours....

Paustin Hours: Intercontinental Man of Misery, I said....never you mind that, Mr. Skarrphace....tonight is your lucky night! Tonight we are going to take a journey back into the life of the man who would claim your HWO Title at Uberslam....tonight, we travel back in time for one night only....because tonight, Justin Sane, This is Your Life!!!

Suddenly, a bright flash of light in the room and Skarrphace and Paustin Hours are gone, only the light remains.
But then you hear some giggling in the background. After a few moments, the lights fades out and Skarrphace is dressed
in his pajamas, Paustin is there, and the scene seems to be inside a hospital of some kind, although it looks a bit
crude. You seem to be standing in some sort of hallway. Suddenly, from the right, the two doors swing open and in
comes a few doctors, talking to themselves.

Paustin Hours: Not to worry here, now Skarrphace, because no one can see or hear us....we are here at a hospital as you might guess....approximately 28 years or so ago....and if I'm not mistaken, down this very hallway is....

Skarrphace: Where Justin Sane was born perhaps?

Paustin Hours: How observant of you! Yes, indeed, Mr. Sane was born in this very hospital....so let's take a walk down the hallway here and see if we can find the mother and father-to-be....

The two men start down the hallway. As a patient walks down the hallway, Paustin makes a face at him, then
cracks up laughing. Skarrphace just makes a face and keeps walking. Then, to the left, inside a room, you hear a doctor screaming.

Doctor: PUSH! You can do it, Juanita Mae.....PUSH!!!

Man's Voice: Yeah honey, for God sake's push, will ya? Wrasslin's on and I don't wanna miss it....

Juanita Mae: You're so insensitive, Jimbo....ugh....ugh......

Doctor: I think I see it's head.....at least it looks like a head.....

Paustin Hours opens the door and laying on the bed is Juanita Mae, kneeling down in front of her spread legs is the doctor,
and standing beside Juanita Mae wearing a pair of warn-out overalls is apparently Jimbo. Juanita is covered in sweat and
the room is a foul odor, probably from the birth and from the occupants combined. Skarrphace and Hours make their way in.

Paustin Hours: God, what an inhumane thing to do....

Skarrphace: What's that? This hospital's procedures?

Paustin Hours: No, impregnating that woman so she could have a kid....and with that as the father....sheesh....well, anyway, Mr. Skarrphace, here you have it....this is where our friend Justin Sane was born!

Skarrphace: Doesn't surprise me....I knew this guy didn't have it in him....look at this....

Doctor: Push!!! He's nearly out!!!!

Juanita Mae pushes hard and out comes the child, she's screaming, the baby cries after a moment, and the
doctor cuts the chord. Covered in sweat, Juanita Mae manages to smile as the doctor picks up the child and then....

Doctor: Oh shit!!!

The doctor then drops the baby right on his head on the concrete floor of the delivery room. Juanita screams in
horror while Jimbo just looks dumbfounded. Skarrphace cracks up laughing as Paustin covers his eyes.

Paustin Hours: Oh!! I can't watch....

Skarrphace: Well, thanks for taking me here, this explains a lot....*laughs*

The doctor, obviously upset, picks up the child carefully and brushes him off. Handing him to his mother,
he rushes out of the room and calls for a nurse. Within seconds, a nurse is there, helping to care for the child,
who seems to be alright.

Juanita Mae: Jimbo...don't you wanna look at your newborn baby son?

Jimbo: Seen one kid, ya seen 'em all....

Juanita Mae: What are we gonna call him?

Jimbo: How bout Junior....after his ol' pops....

Juanita Mae: Justin....I like that name....you like that name, Jimbo?

Jimbo: Yeah, whatever....I'm goin' to watch wrasslin' on the TV out in the lobby...they can get that channel out there, not here....

Jimbo storms out while his mother and the nurse tend to Justin. Paustin and Skarrphace exit the room
as well, as Paustin is visibly shaken and Skarrphace is still laughing to himself.

Paustin Hours: Well, if that wasn't an eye-opening experience.....

Skarrphace: I'd say so....little Justin gets bounced on the hospital floor....ka-boing....*laughs*.....damn, that was better than seein' it live....wait a tick....I did see it live....

Paustin Hours: That's my line....

Skarrphace: *looks around* Uh-oh...there's the mist again....time for part 2?

The mist covers the screen and shortly you hear Paustin coughing again as the scene fades to black.

Stay Tuned For Part 2 Of "Justin Sane: This Is Your Life!" as Paustin and Skarrphace discover
why Justin had a self-esteem problem all throughout high school!

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