How did you get the name "Face-Biter"?

Best of the Zen Jihad Quote Sheets

Last Ride Part 90 Edition

Mages at Work
Apocalypse (the Zhentarim Mage)
"I’ll have my henchmen scry your henchmen."

Melkar
"Fighters are my best ranged weapons."

Old Berk
"Young Berk was my son."
Doomsday (trying to be nice)
"Here is his hand!"

Yeenthra
"A Solar could kill one jihad member per round, at least!"
Doomsday (dismissively)
"We can do that."

Paul
"You see a brightly-colored bird."
Farbod
"A brightly-colored fish and now a brightly colored bird?! I cast true-seeing!"
Paul
"You see a brightly-colored bird."

Doomsday (casting a hold monster on 4 angels)
"That’s a 50 percent tax [on magic resistance]. Welcome to Massachusetts!"

Doomsday
"If they throw a meteor swarm on me, I don’t get a saving throw."
Voodelmar
"Guess what? That’s happened to lots of party members."
Doomsday
"I’m talking about me here."

Doomsday [after a local monk is killed]
"That was my favorite monk!"
Yeenthra
"Doomsday, what was your ‘favorite monk’s’ name?"
Doomsday
" . . . Monk . . . -ey? . . . Monk-ey Monk?"

The Metagame

Nick
"I put on the ring, jump up and down, and say "I wish I were invisible."
Tim
"You turn invisible and use up the wish."

Mark
"Since Paul can’t talk, I’ll run the session: ‘Ok, you kill Zhengyi and the room is full of magic items.’"
Paul (croaked last words, as his voice finally completely disappears and he slumps to the floor)
" . . . there’s a . . . . . . hovercraft . . ."

Jaemz
"You’re making this up?"
Tim
"He’s the DM – he’s making it all up."

Paul
"Does Stoneskin stop boulders"
D-Day (pointing at the PHB)
"It says right here: "Stoneskin stops boulders from Paul’s giants."

Doomsday
"Who votes we are done with this dungeon?"
[5 hands are raised]
Paul
"I vote ‘no’"

Petunia
"I give a stirring speech about dying heroically in battle and all that crap."

Doug (rolling damage for Voodelmar)
"Mine’s almost certainly dead . . . I have to do a lot of math."

Paul
"You can’t do illusions where you just make anything you want and people have to disbelieve and all that crap. That stuff just leads to pixies and leprechauns."

Dumb Sex Jokes
The Lord of Loudwater
"Yes, I hear that Tyr and Torm are no longer together"
Alexander
"Yes, there are many stories about the jism between Tyr and Torm."

Paul
"Verkrul raises Meat. . . . That’s disgusting."

Porter (to Yeenthra)
"I couldn’t pro-evil you, could I?"
Yeenthra
"I wouldn’t be able to touch myself."

John Farmer
"You could fight the stone giants."
Porter
"I would rather fight the Shaggun."
John Farmer (with a wink and a nod)
"I’m a lover, not a fighter, if you know what I mean."

Voodelmar
"Yeenthra, you are the savior of these goats."
Yeenthra
"—and they are going to show proper gratitude."

Doomsday
"I husband the goats."

Farbod
"Where’d you get the buns??"
[Nobody says anything. People shake their head slowly. Bart gets out the quote sheet and readies his pen]
Paul (finally)
"Exercise, dude, exercise."

Tim
"We certainly have buns."

Insults
Meat (to D-Day)
"You could take Mind Blank, but what would be the point?"

Meat (looking at Caleph)
"We need a scout who is invisible to undead--"
Voodelmar
"—and who can fly"
Alexander
"—and who, if he gets killed off, the party won’t miss that much!"

Doomsday
"What are you clerics doing?"
Voodelmar
"They’re casting protection spells on the party."
Dday
"But I haven’t been protected!"
Party
"They’re protecting the people in the party."

Grog (singing)
"100 bottles of beer . . . "
Jihad Members
"Shut up!"
Grog
"We have to keep morale up."
Yeenthra
"Swallow your tongue. That’ll keep morale up!"

Doomsday
"I pick ‘Finger of Death’."
[Party gives Dday the finger of death."]

Plans

Voodelmar
"It’s not the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard."
Alexander
"No, that was rescuing Gilana"
Meat
"Naah, that’s not the stupidest idea – nobody got killed"

Alexander
"The parapet with the dragon?"

Alexander (hatching a plot to defeat the Nec-Romancer)
"Using Doomsday’s disguise skill, he could dress up like a woman—"
Porter
"—a dead woman—"
Alexander
"—a dead woman, and he could sneak into the Nec-Romancer’s house—"
Porter
"—and in the middle of ‘it’, he could suddenly ‘wake up’!"
Doomsday
"Could I wake up at the beginning?"

Yeenthra
"Our plan is to bury our heads in the sand, then wait for Urdlen to come and bite them off."
Melkar
"Can I bury my butt in the sand?"

Voodelmar
"This is exactly the sort of plan we always totally believe . . . when we’re on crack."

Jihad Scenes
Baron Snake (suggesting possible targets for the jihad to strike)
"The Zhentarim have a lot of money . . ."
Petunia
"Don’t you have a lot of money?"

Melkar
"Petunia, Grog, and Akimbo are safely dead"

Caleph:
"These Torm people make my scales crawl."

Gnoll:
"There are four or five hands of ogres. Of course, our hands have one hundred fingers."

Melkar
"We’ve made Damara safe for people who aren’t us."

Verkrul
"Hello. My name is Verkrul and I have a constitution problem."

Innkeeper
"We’ll pack you a lunch basket. Would you like horses?"
Porter
"We’d prefer chicken."

Grog
"How come you guys talk like pirates?"
John Farmer
"Arr. We be not pirates! We don’t know what you mean!"
John Farmer’s Parrot
"Arrr – fifteen men on a dead man’s chest."
Voodelmar
"You guys are pathetic."

Caleph
"I walk away from the party, cast ESP and wander back in, reading the minds of the pirates. What are they thinking?"
Paul
"Arrr. Arrr. Arrr."

Yeenthra
"Basically, this plane is going to Heaven in a handbasket."

Doomsday (to the beat-up and broken—but still feisty— stone giant)
"How many of you are there?"
Stone Giant
"There’s one of me."

Paul
"On the western horizon, a bright light suddenly appears"
Jaemz
"Is it the Sun?"

Yeenthra and Melkar (to the tune of "The Locomotion)
"You sacrifice some stuff and you call your god now--
Come on baby, do the divination--
You get some goofy useless information!
Come on baby, do the divination."

Voodelmar
"You know how it’s supposed to be peaceful to drown? Maybe it’s peaceful to drown in mud while being burned to death by your armor."

Yeenthra (after whiffing at a goatherd)
"I’m lulling him into a very real sense of security."

Paul
"Isn’t Melkar still really a big blob?"
Jaemz
"Melkar was fixed by an angel."
Jihad
"Ooooooooh."

Yeenthra
"D-Day, you don’t remember what you had for breakfast. It wasn’t a magic item."
Voodelmar
"Magic Flakes – they’re magically delicious!"

Stone Giant
"You the ones who come in and fight?"
Verkrul
"You must be thinking of someone else – perhaps the Hindu Hezbollah?"

Jihad
"He’s chaotic good?"
Archon
"I say I’m chaotic, and people know I’m gooood!"

Doomsday
"So far, it’s a wimpy guy! He’s only cast Invisibility, Whispering Wind, and Detect Magic."
Voodelmar
"Except for the part where your Magic Jar detected an "immense power."

Yeenthra
"I like this Greez! He’s got spirit."
Caleph
"Spirit!?!"
Yeenthra
"Well, not warrior spirit. It’s more like ‘esprit’."

Jihad Ethics
Doomsday (re Robe of an Arch-magi):
For this robe, I’d kill me.

Verkrul (after his friend’s friend turns out to be Zhengyi)
"From now on, the friend of our friend is our enemy"

Porter
"So is Torm really good any more?"
Verkrul
"Let’s throw rocks from our glass living room."

Famous Last Words Category
Porter (to Greez)
"So why are you named "Face-Biter?"