Subject: NEW: SHIPPER SCHOOL (1/1) From: laura capozzola Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997 06:20:57 -0100 DISCLAIMER: The names of the characters in this story belong to real people. The personalities, actions and situations assigned to the character names are not real and in no way reflect the people whose names are being used. The author has nothing but the greatest respect, love and admiration for these folks but frankly, these quirky pieces are the only kind of stories the author knows how to write. No money will be made from this story...and hopefully none will be paid out by the author. TITLE: SHIPPER SCHOOL (1/1) AUTHOR: Laura Capozzola lauracap@erols.com DISTRIBUTION: Please archive. CLASSIFICATION: Story/Humor S/H RATING: R KEYWORDS: None SPOILERS: Season 4 (minor - no plot spoilers) WARNING: This story is about MSR but there is NO MSR actually in it. SUMMARY: The order comes down to the 1013 staff. Spice up the X-Files in Season 5...or else. SPECIAL THANKS: To my MSR consultants Deb and Debbie ================== SHIPPER SCHOOL (1/1) by Laura Capozzola ================== On the lot of Twentieth Century Fox, surrounded by expensive cars and amid the hum of people at work, sits a bungalow. By all accounts, it's an average bungalow in a typical studio lot. But there are those who have passed by after the sundown and reported an aura over the building and a pulse, a steady powerful rhythmic beat that defies anything known on this earth. In the building lies an office, an office of an ordinary man who does extraordinary things. To some he is the Golden Child - the man who surfed in and brought attention and respectability to the fourth network. Others regard him as the Demon Seed, the spawn of Satan, the impenetrable force that keeps two FBI agents from realizing their urge to merge. But on this day, this ordinary day, the planets were about to align and create a situation so cataclysmic, so unnerving that the bungalow would be rocked on its foundation and things would never be the same again...and it all started with a memorandum stamped URGENT. MEMORANDUM - URGENT June 20, 1997 TO: Chris Carter 1013 Productions Co., Inc. FROM: D. Prewitt Senior Vice President FOX Broadcasting Co., Inc. SUBJ: Bust The UST Training At an executive board meeting held yesterday it was determined that the X-Files movie, to be produced by 20th Century FOX, will include a romance between the X-Files characters of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. In addition, the board expects 1013 Productions to use the 5th season of The X-Files to build up to this intimate relationship that will climax in the movie. Chris, we know that you have resisted such a relationship for the past four years but I'm going to be up front with you on this. No more UST. If you want the exploding buildings, the helicopters, the submarines, the oozing pores, the squirting blood, the aliens in the ice cube, bee swarms, and the millions of dollars worth of special high tech effects, we expect a little nooky in return. We're banking on this movie to be a financial success. They're going to do it in this movie, Chris, and all of us are going to reap the benefits. In addition, we expect the fifth season of The X-Files to be 24 episodes of foreplay, figuratively speaking. On June 25, you and your writing staff of Vince Gilligan, John Shiban, Frank Spotnitz and Executive Producer Bob Goodwin have been scheduled to attend an intensive 8 hour course that will be taught by an experienced team of relationship writers. These instructors have an excellent knowledge of the X-Files characters and are determined to get your core team in shipper-shape. You know that we here at FOX just hate to usurp your creative decisions but I'm just as certain that you understand how much money is riding on your cooperation in this matter. Please report to Room 42, in the basement of the FOX training facility at 8 AM on the 25th, with your staff. Oh and Chris, you can call me if you have any complaints but I've instructed my secretary not to forward any calls from you until the 26th. Sincerely, D. Prewitt Chris Carter rubbed his eyes and read the memo a second time before he screamed for his secretary, an intelligent woman who anticipated her boss' reaction and was already in her car and on the freeway heading home when he opened his mail. ********************************************* June 25th FOX BROADCASTING CO, TRAINING FACILITY Ms. Harrison glanced at her watch and then at the 4 men making small talk in front of her. Carter was 5 minutes late. She wondered if he was going to show at all. Reading her mind, Ms. Rasch was about to begin when the door suddenly flew open and the actor who portrayed the alien bounty hunter in a number of conspiracy episodes stormed into the classroom with Chris Carter slung over his left shoulder, kicking and screaming. He deposited Carter at one of the desks, patted him on the head and told him to behave before he approached the wide-eyed instructors. Taking their hands in his, he whispered, "Ladies, I hope that you will accept our apologies for being late. I'm going to sit over there by the door and read. You won't even know I'm here." With that, he delicately kissed the hands of the two instructors, whipped out a paperback copy of Romeo and Juliet and retreated to the desk nearest to the only way in or out of the classroom. Chris Carter, resigned to his fate, looked dejectedly at his writers and sighed. The twinkle in his eyes had dimmed considerably. "I gave it my best shot, guys." "Don't worry boss. It will be like missing time. Over before you even know what's happening." Spotsy slapped the boss on the back in a show of male comaraderie. "Piece of cake, Chris. We kill 8 hours then it's all over. We'll show those damn network chupacabres what we're made of." Shiban raised his fist in a show of solidarity with his 1013 brothers. Gilligan smiled at the instructors. "Can we get started now? I just know that this is going to be a lot of fun." Taking the gum out of his mouth, Goodwin wadded it up and threw it in Gilligan's direction. It hit him on the back of the head and stuck to his hair. Gilligan didn't notice. "I'm Ms. Harrison and this is Ms. Rasch. Our objective, and the objective of the other instructors who will follow, is to get you to incorporate more MSR in the show thus providing a strong foundation for the intimate scenes in the movie. Can anyone tell me what MSR stands for?" The men looked at each other hesitantly but being the adventurous creative-types that they were, decided to guess. "Murdering Sewer Rats!" shouted Shiban triumphantly. "Military Secret Retaliations!" Spotnitz yelled. "Malevolent Shaman Rituals!" Shiban was on a roll. "Murky Spy Revelations!" Spotnitz countered. "Mother Slap Reprimands!" Goodwin only wrote one episode solo but the Executive Producer knew damn good drama when he saw it played out. "Mulder Scully...." Carter gazed up toward the ceiling hoping for some divine inspiration that would allow him to come up with the R word. The instructors watched Carter hopefully. Could it be that their recalcitrant student was actually going to be their best pupil? "Resentment. Mulder Scully Resentment!" Carter grinned. He was not going to be outdone by his underlings. "Good one, boss." Spotsy ruffled Carter's hair and Carter's eyes twinkled once again. Ms. Harrison turned to Ms. Rasch and whispered, "You wouldn't happen to have any aspirin on you, would you?" Vince Gilligan, who had been raising his hand through the entire MSR exercise, was now practically jumping out of his seat trying to get the attention of the instructors. "Vince, this is a small class. Just shout out your answers." Having seen all of Vince's episodes, Ms. Rasch had already decided that he was the teacher's pet. "Mulder Scully Romance." Gilligan beamed. He knew that his answer was the right one. "Aw, that's so sweet." The actor who played the alien bounty hunter piped up with his two cents then lowered his eyes quickly and returned to his book. "Very good, Vince." Both instructors grinned at their prized pupil as Shiban poked him in the back with the tip of his pencil. "What we'd like to do now is to get you all in an MSR frame of mind by playing a little free association. We'll say a word and you shout out the first word that comes into your mind." "Okay, let's do it." Gilligan's enthusiasm was boundless. Ms. Harrison started. "The first word is - - - hug." "Slug, " shouted Shiban. "Wrestling, " yelled Goodwin. "Squeeze," said Carter. "Snuggle," sighed Gilligan. "I'm thinking, I'm thinking," pondered Spotnitz. "No, you don't think about it. If you have to think, don't say anything." "How about - - - sex?" "Intimacy," cooed Gilligan. "Three minutes." Spotnitz was relieved when the boss gave him the thumbs up for his answer. "Off camera?" Shiban expressed hesitantly while looking at the boss out of the corner of his eye. "Forbidden," thundered Carter. "How about - - - kissing?" Ms. Rasch decided to give it a shot. "Ewwww!" was the simultaneous response from all but one. Gilligan said nothing. Of course, the fact that Shiban was pulling his hair contributed greatly to his silence. "We're going to take a little break. There's a cafeteria down the hall. When you come back Ms. Wells and Ms. Bower will be your instructors." ***************************** AFTER THE MORNING BREAK "Let's begin by talking about tender moments in X-Files history, shall we?" Ms. Wells approached her job with eagerness and determination. "Frank, why don't you start?" "Hmmm...Well, in one of my episodes, Our Town, the Chaco Chicken was pretty tender." "The ribs were tender in Red Museum. Tender and succulent." Chris chimed in. "Maybe tender moments wasn't a good starting point after all. Why don't we discuss DITCH scenes." Ms. Bower wrote the word on the blackboard in big capital letters. "Spotsy and I put a ditch scene in Apocrypha. It was a good one, too. Mulder and Krycek get run off the road with their rental car and crash it into a ditch." Carter was really getting into class participation. This MSR stuff was a lot easier than he thought it would be. "Hey boss, don't forget about our ditch scene in Terma. Mulder grabs that Russian's truck with Krycek bouncing around scared shitless on the back. Krycek jumps off. The truck goes out of control and into a ditch with Mulder still in it." Spotnitz was known for his commanding powers of recall. "Wait, wait. Now that I think about it, I had a ditch scene in 731, too. Those military types line up and then shoot those Hansen diseased people. Their bodies all fall into one big ditch." "Well, I WANTED to put a ditch scene in Syzygy." Carter was not about to be outdone by his frequent writing partner. "What do you mean you WANTED to put a ditch scene in Syzygy?" Ms. Wells and Ms. Bower wailed upon hearing the name of the heinous anti-MSR episode. "You know, when Mulder finally lets Scully drive the car. I was going to have her drive it into a ditch." Carter was hopeful that wanting to include a ditch scene would curry almost as much favor with Ms. Wells and Ms. Bower as actually putting one in the episode. "Yeah, women drivers, jeez. What's this world coming to when the FBI has to get someplace fast and they let a woman drive." Goodwin shook his head condescendingly but Carter ignored him. "Do you think we should put a ditch scene in the movie? If it makes it more romantic we'll let Scully drive the car into a ditch while Mulder is giving her directions." Carter studied the faces of the instructors hoping for a sign of approval. "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We'll have a bee make her lose control of the car." Spotnitz knew how to stay the course of the mytharc. "And Mulder will lift her up into his arms and carry her out of the car wreck." Shiban, who struggled with his one 'knowing looks' scene in Elegy, could feel his confidence soaring. "And then, and then Mulder will gently hold Scully's hand." Shiban leapt to his feet. There was determination in his voice and enthusiasm in his soul. His heart pounded wildly. He was actually getting this MSR stuff. Ms. Wells and Ms. Bower had tears in their eyes. The good kind. The tears that come from the joy of knowing that one of your pupils is reveling in his new found knowledge. "And then, and then he'll lean over her, tenderly." Shiban dropped to his knees, held his hand out to an imaginary Scully and lowered his head. The other guys in the class, mesmerized by the scene, hung over their desks to get a better view while the actor who played the alien bounty hunter silently sobbed in his corner of the room. "He'll cradle her injured head in his hands. Tears will rain from his eyes. And then, and then...." Shiban tightly closed his eyes then opened them quickly. He could actually see the injured Scully before him as the next precious moment struggled to materialize. Beads of sweat trickled down his forehead and dripped from his glasses. "And then, and then..." It was like mind constipation only worse. "AND THEN, WHAT?" The other students and the instructors were as caught up in the moment as Shiban. "And then the maggots will spill out of her ears, the pus will spew out of her eyes and the fungus will cover her hair. OhGodOhGodOhGod, I was so close." Shiban slammed his fists on the floor and collapsed into a sitting position with his face in his hands, a dejected and emotionally spent man. The instructors retreated to their desks and shared a Maalox tablet that they fished out of the bottom of Ms. Bower's pocketbook. Goodwin sank back into his chair and wondered why the hell he didn't follow up on that Touched By An Angel job offer. A sympathetic Spotnitz got up, went over to his fallen comrade, patted him on the back, helped him to his feet then slapped him across the face and told him to snap out of it. Carter, who was actually quite taken with the whole thing, furiously scribbled notes to incorporate the idea into The Grand Master Plan. Gilligan was doodling Cupids in the margin of his notebook but the instructors could tell by the way he was rocking in his chair that he either had something to say or he needed to use the men's room. "Vince, would you like to add something?" "Mulder should have kissed Scully." Gilligan mumbled the words and protectively placed his hand on the back of his head. "I'm sorry Vince, we didn't hear that. Would you speak up?" All of a sudden Gilligan's head snapped back and his eyeballs rolled in their sockets. When she later recounted the story to her fellow fan fiction writers, Ms. Wells would swear that Vince Gilligan's head spun twice and he levitated from his seat. In truth, the co-producer just got up in slow motion and jerked his head from side to side rather quickly. "I said, Mulder should have kissed Scully...long and hard. MULDER SHOULD HAVE KISSED SCULLY!" It started as a growl and took the form of a roar. "I wanted IT to happen in Memento Mori but nooooooo, we had to take out the kiss because HE didn't want it in there and YOU let him have his way." The instructors gasped as Gilligan pointed an accusatory finger at Shiban while staring contemptuously at Carter who was leaning back in his chair with his feet up on the desk. "You also let him have his nosebleeds, his fungused people, his goats and his ghosts. It's enough to make you puke." Carter scribbled the word "puke" in his notes. He thought it had potential for a Monster of the Week episode. "And this one over here," Gilligan slammed his fist on Goodwin's desk making his pen jump up in the air, "he writes one lousy flippin' episode and he gets a hole in the head AND a mom slap. No questions asked." Gilligan made a beeline for Ms. Bower then stopped short and stood within 3 inches from her face which, by the way, was now the color of white chalk. "Does that sound fair to you?" "No?" She peeped it in the form of a question. "And this one, this one," Gilligan stomped over, stood behind Spotnitz, put his hands on his shoulders and shook him, "gets absolutely whatever the hell his little heart desires. He wants Mulder to jump onto a moving train. No problem, Spotsy. Anything you need." Gilligan was mimicking Carter. "He wants goon boy over there," Gilligan pointed to the actor who played the Alien Bounty Hunter, "to toss Mulder and Scully around like rag dolls in End Game. Sounds good to me, Spotsy. Let's do it, Spotsy. My God, he had Scully's head on the chopping block in the chicken episode. But I want one stinkin' kiss in Memento Mori and I get overruled. I wasn't even allowed to have FAKE Mulder plant a wet one on Scully in Small Potatoes." Gilligan was now so animated his hands were flying all over the place, his body was twitching and his glasses were askew. But he still wasn't finished. "And just for the record you, you bobo brains," Gilligan faced his fellow writers, "a ditch scene is when Mulder takes off and leaves Scully behind without telling her where he's going." He pointed an accusatory finger at Goodwin. "YOU did it in Demons." He then spun around and pointed at Spotnitz. "YOU did it in End Game. "And YOU," his finger was practically on Carter's nose, "YOU did it in Deep Throat, Syzygy AND Herrenvolk." Gilligan stood there trembling and exhausted. Except for the clipped sound of Ms. Wells' teeth biting down on her fingernails, the room became noticeably quiet. Throughout the course of Gilligan's tirade neither Frank Spotnitz nor John Shiban nor Chris Carter nor Bob Goodwin reacted. In fact, Shiban was filing his nails, Goodwin was blowing silent bubbles, Spotnitz was cleaning his glasses and Carter was combing his hair. Ms. Bower, on the other hand, was pulling out clumps of hers and the actor who played the alien bounty hunter was whimpering softly. Finally, the boss broke the silence. "Frank, did you bring Vince's medicine with you?" Spotnitz reached in his pocket and flipped the pill case to Carter who in turn motioned to Shiban to get Gilligan some water. Two minutes later Vince was a happy camper and unable to recall anything that he said or did since the last break. "I think we should stop for lunch. Be back here in an hour. Ms. Shalimar and Ms. Martin will take you through the afternoon." "Ms Wells, would you and Ms. Bower like to have lunch with us? We could talk more about romance. You know I had a kid buried in a sandbox once. That's almost like a ditch..." Shiban still had hopes of recapturing what he thought was an MSR moment. "Oh thank you, John, but the place Ms. Bower and I are heading for...well, they don't serve food." *************************************************** AFTER LUNCH "Let's discuss Never Again." Ms. Shalimar held the pointer in one hand and slapped it rhythmically on the open palm of her other hand. "Ooh, can't blame us for that one." Spotnitz chirped. "We had nothing to do with it." Goodwin actually had a lot to do with the post-production work on it but he was smart enough not to confess that little tidbit in this class. "It was Morgan and Wong, not us." Shiban volunteered. Chris Carter laughed. "Hey, that was the Shippers Beware episode." Unable to control himself, Carter started laughing again until the steel gaze of Ms. Shalimar sliced into him like a knife and he cut off the laughter rather abruptly. "Hey Ms. Martin and Ms. Shalimar, did you know that Morgan and Wong are going to take over Millennium next season?" Vince Gilligan was always trying to be helpful. "Yeah, I hear Frank Black is going to have a mid-life crisis and get a tattoo on his butt." Spotnitz giggled hysterically at his own joke. "Yeah, a great big X to promote our show this time." Shiban joined Spotnitz in the gigglefest. "I hear, I hear," Shiban was laughing so hard he was having a hard time getting the words out, "Catherine is going to take the kid and leave Frank." Chris Carter was smiling and biting his lip but wisely lowered his head so the two instructors could not see his face. "Yeah, those guys bust up relationships wherever they go." Goodwin was drinking soda at his desk and snorted Diet Pepsi out of his nose from laughing so hard. "Even happy marriages like The Blacks." Ms. Shalimar slammed the pointer down on Chris Carter's desk and the crash instantly silenced the hilarity. She placed the pointer under Carter's chin and lifted his face with it so that she was staring into his twinkly eyes. "That's not going to happen, is it Chris?" Carter looked up into her laser-boring stare, sized up the situation and made an on-the-spot 1013 Productions executive decision. "No M'am." "Good." She tapped him on the head with the pointer and moved to the front of the class but not before barking at Gilligan to sit up straight and act like he was proud of his shipper moments. Ms. Martin took over. She made Ms. Shalimar look like Shirley Temple. "What would be a good X-Files romantic setting?" Vince's hand shot up but Ms. Martin ignored him. She couldn't figure out why the hell he was taking this class anyway. "Well, I'm waiting." John Shiban spoke up rather tentatively. "How about a bowling alley?" Ms. Martin sat on John Shiban's desk, cupped the chin of the Teso Dos Bichos, El Mundo Gira, The Walk and Elegy writer in her hands and forced him to look at her. "And John, what would Mulder and Scully be doing in this bowling alley?" John Shiban quickly assessed his chances of giving a correct answer. He knew the odds were slim and none. He wondered if Ms. Martin could snap off his head with one quick flick of her wrist. And then like a miracle it came to him. He'd go with Gilligan's answer. "Mulder would kiss Scully...long and hard." He closed his eyes quickly and waited for the reaction. Vince Gilligan clapped and the actor who played the alien bounty hunter blew Shiban a kiss. Ms. Martin reached up and pinched Shiban's cheek affectionately albeit painfully. "Very, very good, John." "How about you Frank? What kind of romantic setting would you cook up for Mulder and Scully?" "Instead of Krycek, Mulder would take Scully with him to Russia." "And Frank," Ms. Martin twirled the hair of Frank Spotnitz as she hovered over him, "what would Mulder and Scully do in Russia?" "Well, they'd be there to follow a lead on Samantha's disappearance. There would be the usual bodies, scientific claptrap, car chases and I'd probably throw in a Skinner reprimand, a CSM maneuver and a Krycek sneaky tactic." Ms. Martin twirled one of the curls a tad more urgently. "What else, Frank?" The pain was excruciating and Spotnitz got the message. "They'd check into a cheap motel." Frank Spotnitz was sure he was staring into the eyes of The Beast as his breathing became labored. "And, Mulder would kiss Scully...long and hard." Ms. Martin let go abruptly and ruffled his hair violently as his head fell forward on the desk top. "That's a wonderful answer, Frank." "Bob?" "M'am. I've been thinking about this and I don't think I'm going to write any more episodes. I'll just make sure the kiss isn't cut in post-production." "That's the type of teamwork we like to hear about." Ms. Shalimar, who was nearest to Bob Goodwin, slapped him on the back so hard that he swallowed his gum. There was only one man left and the instructors knew that this one was going to be a challenge. They pulled up their chairs to Chris Carter's desk. One on the left and one on the right. Ms. Shalimar put her arm around Chris the way Hulk Hogan used to do it just before he slammed an opponent to the mat during a tournament. Ms. Martin held his hand and played with his fingers, important little appendages for any writer. "Chris?" "I'm thinking." "Chris?" "Okay, this isn't a new one but you know when Detective White jumps on Mulder in Syzygy?" For a brief moment his staff expected Lucifer himself to materialize in Classroom #42. The temperature in the room suddenly became unbearably hot and the overhead lights began to flicker. "Yes, Chris, we remember that scene." As Ms. Shalimar hissed the words Ms. Martin spread his fingers on the desk. "Well, if I redid it, I would have Mulder toss off Detective White, shoot her, and then go running into Scully's room where..." "Where what?" "Where he would kiss her...long and hard." A cheer went up in the classroom. Vince Gilligan danced with the actor who played the alien bounty hunter. Shiban tossed confetti and Spotnitz hugged Goodwin. The instructors kissed Carter who felt like a new man even if he wasn't quite sure how the transformation occurred. To reward their students, the instructors let them leave early and as Ms. Martin and Ms. Shalimar packed up their whips, chains, stun gun and shackles they felt confident that they had performed a service for X- Philes everywhere. ***************************************** And so it came to pass in Season 5 that hugs, hand holds and knowing looks were replaced by kisses...long and hard. And, for the most part, it worked... "John, do you want to tell me again why your script has Mulder and Scully stopping the car and making out in a ditch beside the road?" THE END