Author: Lark
E-mail: theagents1013@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Category: MSR
Keyword: MSR
Spoilers: A montage of events over the years
Distribution/Archiving: I'd be honored. Please request permission first.
Feedback: Always.
Disclaimer: the X-Files, Mulder, Scully, and several other characters belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions. Please don't sue me, you won't get much.
Summary: Mulder reflects on his life with Scully and how much he has changed.
Dedication: To the debatable and surprising future...
Happy reading...
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Reflections (1/1)
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Why is it that sometimes, people enter our lives and change us forever? I think back to the day *she* walked into my office, and the sort of person I was back then.
Diana Fowley had just left my life for what I refused to believe would be forever. An argument, filled with bitter, biting words, had commenced - things that had built up for so long over the time we had been together. I thought I loved her. In fact, I was sure of it. She was just like me back then: fairly new and not quite jaded yet, searching for something that would help her make her mark in some way. When we stumbled across the X-Files together on that rainy day, her wonder and excitement equaled mine, and I was in heaven at the thought that this was someone I could share my quest with. Of course, at that point, my quest had only begun, and I had no idea where to start looking for my little sister. I only had ideas.
Two weeks had passed after Diana and I fell out with each other. I, in my naiveté, believed and half-hoped she would return, begging for a reprieve so that we might be together again. The day that Scully became my partner was the day that I knew Diana would never be a major part of my life again. At lunch on that fateful day, I had gone to the cafe that she and I frequented most days, only to see her with someone else, completely absorbed in what the man was saying to her, a wide smile playing across her full lips. Needless to say, I was upset, and more than jealous. I wanted a showdown with the man who dared to lay claim on my woman, but later I found that I had been given a tradeoff like none other. I lost an inferior, head-game-playing child to the golden goddess of womanhood and maturity herself. I just didn't know it at first.
And what a tradeoff she was, and still is. A small ball of flames - energy, really, is the only way I can describe how she seemed those first few weeks. The fact that her hair is a deep, burnished auburn made the analogy even more astute. Bright, self-confident, intelligent, and more than eager to begin on the work, but also proud, sometimes haughty, and intent on finding a scientific, logical reason for my theories every step of the way. And determined. I can't ever forget determined. This is the way my Scully first struck me.
She was so different from Diana, who was more absorbed in herself than anything else. While she originally found the X-Files intriguing, she later complained, often and loudly, about how much time I devoted to each new case, as opposed to herself. Scully started off working on them, not just hearing about them from me, and I found her skepticism refreshing. Each case became a challenge to me, always having to prove myself to her. It kept me interested, and it kept me, as I have been wont to say, honest. I knew the original reason Scully had been assigned as my partner. I didn't like it, and I certainly didn't want her there, until I met her and we worked on that first case.
To this day, as chauvinistic as it sounds, the clearest recollection of that week is the image of Scully standing pretty much unclothed in the middle of my hotel room, nearly hysterical over a few mosquito bites. Since that day, I have seen her in various states of undress, as she's seen me, but this had to be the most endearing and impressive. Normally, a half-naked, beautiful woman in my room would have warranted a slightly more interesting response from me, and I *did* let my hand linger on her skin a bit longer than necessary, but immediately, I knew that this would be no purely physical relationship, if it ever came to that in the first place. That first night meant something to me. It meant trust. Scully trusted me, as silly as the reason was, and came to me for help, before she really even knew me. Perhaps that was what stopped me from immediately considering pursuing a romantic relationship with her. Not that I could help thinking about it as the months and years passed by, but at that moment I stopped seeing her as a silly, though somewhat dangerous, kid, and started seeing her as a mature, potential kindred spirit. Trust is the first thing I recognize in a person, and I can almost always tell if this person is someone whom I can trust, as well.
That cemented it. My respect for her deepened a great deal over the next few months, and eventually, I got something that I had always wanted but never knew I was missing, consciously: Someone to call the most important person in my life. Somewhere during our time together, our relationship changed. I know Scully dated someone during her time at Quantico, and for a while during the beginning of our partnership, but that ended after awhile. After Diana, I dated here and there, but, in essence, my heart had been broken and I wasn't prepared to let someone enter it again and attempt to repair some of the damage. Against my will and much to my surprise, Scully eventually did just that.
I didn't realize that I had come to love her until it was nearly too late. I almost lost her when she was abducted. I searched for her high and low, not sure what, exactly, had taken her. Sleepless nights and caffeine-driven days became the basis of my existence as I continued looking for clues that would, in turn, locate Scully. I recall spending several nights just staring up into the sky, wondering what was happening to her, torturing myself with images of the worst possible scenarios. Nights that I did sleep were filled with terrors and dreams of strange landscapes where I was being chased by an unseen force. Most of all, I dreamed of Scully. She came to me often, attempting, as always, to comfort me and tell me that she would come back to me soon. While I'm not sure if these fleeting messages of her's were my subconscious mind speaking, or really her, they sustained me and gave me a reason to get up each day.
Her return was the day my light and my world came back. Though we went through the horror of sustaining her life and bringing her out of her coma, she was there. And she lived. I like to believe that maybe I had something to do with her staying in this life. Though it had rarely been acknowledged, we had formed a deep, unshakable commitment to one another. Neither of us dated any longer, and I think that this was a major turning point for our relationship. At least for me, it was. It was when she woke up and I gazed into her beautiful eyes that I knew. It was no longer the matter of mere commitment or duty that I felt toward her. I was in love. Madly, completely in love. But fear for her refusal kept me from kissing her and proclaiming my feelings then and there.
Maybe that was the wrong thing to do. I don't know. I have made a bumbling idiot out of myself more than once trying to tactfully declare my love for her, but it either hasn't worked, or she doesn't think we're at that particular stage.
When she developed cancer, it was all I could do to keep myself together. Even though this was a more realistic threat, I still couldn't find the courage to tell her how I felt. I spent days and nights at her bedside when she was dying on me, holding her hand and weeping at the thought that she would soon be leaving me. I had read a bit of her diary, feeling guilty the whole time, until I realized that it was, in actuality, a letter to me. Whether I was supposed to read it or not, I still don't know, but it gave me hope and determination. When the opportunity to save her came up, I risked all to obtain the cure. I could have done nothing else, knowing that she would have done the same for me.
Over the years, both of us have been at death's door many times. We've been to hell and back, for even the last level of Dante's imaginings could be no colder or relentless than the frigid gloom of Antarctica. Threats have come in all shapes, sizes and forms, from human monsters to the little grey men I've spent my days and nights searching for. Scully and I have spent the better parts of our careers saving one another, chasing each other from one end of the globe to the other, and still we live. We survive. And we have remained true to one another. Through thick and thin, lies and truth, fire and snow, we have been there for one another without a thought for anything else. Instead of using Samantha as the main focus of my search to uncover the lies, the scope has widened, and Scully is just as much a focus now as my little sister has always been. The small difference is that Scully has become the most important one. I feel slightly guilty over that notion, but she is alive, glowing with warmth and security even though she has been through so much. If I am to believe what I have seen, then my sister glows just as much, only with starlight instead of life, and I know that she no longer needs me. I can release her.
The nonsense that took place with Diana later on was wrong of me. Perhaps I am still naive, though I know I have grown up in the past few years. It was at a time when Scully and I were in yet another battle over what was right and what was wrong. I was being offered safety after the colonization, Diana all of a sudden was interested in the X-Files and in me again, and it seemed like my ticket out of a dead-end life. How could I ever imagine my life being dead-end with Scully in it? Truth be told, I had almost given up on Scully. I told her I loved her, and she, in effect, took it in stride and allowed herself to believe that I was drugged and incoherent. I was painfully certain that she really did believe me and took the easy way out, instead of dealing with it. I opened my heart to her because it finally had hit me that there could very well be a day that I might never see her again, and I was determined not to allow that to happen. Telling her the feelings that had built up inside of me for so long was the first step, but I got shot down, instead.
I think after things went back to normal, whatever constitutes 'normal' in my life, she began pondering my words. Things changed between us. It was no longer just a friendship. She became even warmer to me, and we no longer opened up to each other only on the dangerous occasions that threatened our lives. We even began hanging out some outside of work. I'll never forget the night we played baseball for a few hours.
And then New Year's had taken place. I never thought I'd have the chance to kiss her. But I got my real chance, and I took it. That kiss was ten seconds of bliss, and I still have dreams of a repeat.
I get up, walk to my dresser drawer and take out a small box. In it I have placed a wallet-sized photo of Scully and I, the only picture I have of us, though a copy of it stays in my wallet. Someone took it at a random office party. It's a candid one, in which we're gazing at each other...I do not GAZE at Agent Scully...I recall with laughter...in a telling way. There is love and commitment in those looks on our faces. I look at it often when I am in doubt of myself.
Underneath the picture are nestled three rings. One is my great-grandmother's engagement ring. It is unlike any piece of antique jewelry I have ever seen. Instead of being clunky and showy, it is instead a slender and delicate band of 18-karat-gold with a beautiful emerald-cut, one-carat diamond. Two smaller diamonds, equally clear and beautiful, are nestled at the sides. It sounds pretentious-looking, but really, it isn't. Very ahead of it's time, style-wise. And there is only one finger that I can imagine it being on.
The other two rings are matching wedding bands. I bought them about a year before my little sojourn into the Bermuda Triangle. Maybe it's all wishful thinking, but I know that someday, we might have our chance. Unfortunately, if there is anything that I have learned, it's that life is very short. Why should I wait any longer? Things between Scully and I couldn't be better lately, and she has become my significant other in all ways but one. She has finally released her love from way back in medical school, and I feel that it must be time to finally find out if she'll have me.
The one thing that stops me from running out the door to her apartment is the important fact that I have no way of knowing if she loves me the same way I love her. I sigh, thinking that I have let myself down before I even gave myself the chance to find out, and I put the lid back on the box. I stare at it for a moment, and am about to put it back in it's hiding spot when I hear my name being called from the living room of my apartment.
Recognizing the voice immediately, I jump up from my bed, fumbling the box as I do so. The picture and the engagement ring fly to the floor, but I realize I have no time to pick them up and return them to their place, since light footsteps are heading this way.
"Mulder?" she calls again, and her voice is much closer than I expected.
"In here..." I call back. She appears in the doorway, sillouhetted in light by the rays of the setting sun that have come pouring through an opposite window. As always, she looks beautiful.
"Hey. Sorry for barging in, but I've been knocking on your door for about ten minutes. Your cell is off, and I was pretty sure you were home, so I was getting worried." She smiles sheepishly.
"No, it's okay. I'm sorry. I was sort of absorbed in my thoughts. What's up?" Scully doesn't miss anything, and I'm trying desperately to keep her mind occupied so I can have an opportunity to move us from my bedroom to the living room, before she notices the picture and ring. She glances down and her eyes round a bit. Shit. Too late.
"Hang on, you must have dropped something..." She bends down to pick the items up off the floor and I squeeze my eyes shut in anticipation of a very bad situation. She studies the picture, which she is holding in one hand, and looks at the ring she is clutching in the other. Then she looks up slowly from her crouching position to study my face. I'm sure she sees my discomfort, and I take a deep breath.
"Scully..."
"What is this, Mulder?" she asks in a hushed, slightly shocked tone. One eyebrow raises in an expression of confusion I have come to adore.
I rapidly form excuses to make for the ring and picture to be together in one spot, but can't think of any that are good enough, or even credible.
"I..." I sigh deeply. Here goes nothing. Or everything. "Marry me, Scully."
"What?" She looks confused for a second, then stands up and smiles. "Is this like the whole Iced Tea thing again? Or the china patterns? A joke, right?"
When I don't answer with anything but a shake of my head, her eyes widen. "You're serious?" She takes a step toward me. "Mulder, are you serious?"
I take her hands in mine, remove the picture and the ring from her grasp, and step closer to her. I look deeply into her eyes and tell her straight.
"I'm serious, Scully. I love you. Will you marry me?" My voice is husky and tense with fear.
"I..." She puts one hand to her chest as if she's having trouble breathing and flushes a light shade of rose. She looks down for a moment, then stares me straight in the eye. "Yes. Of course I'll marry you, Mulder."
I grin broadly as I slip the ring over her finger. It's a perfect fit, and she stares at her hand as if she can't quite believe that this is happening. I'm not sure it's real, either, but I don't care. She looks at me again, tears slipping down her cheeks in perfect crystalline lines. I slowly lower my lips to her face, kissing away the tears, and then move to her perfect rosebud mouth. She kisses me back with passion. Everything she is is behind that kiss. We break from each other and I wrap her in a tight, warm embrace.
"I love you," she whispers. "I've loved you for a long time, Mulder..."
"You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that..." I pull back a little so I can look into her face and smile. "I've loved you for a long time, too."
She stands on tiptoe to kiss me again, and then her eyes start brimming over, again.
"God..." she sniffles in the most adorable way. "I never expected something like this when I came over here..."
"I didn't exactly expect it, either, Scully. You sort of found me out." I smile sheepishly.
"When were you planning on asking me?"
"To tell you the truth, I really don't know, Scully. I've been scared to death of this moment, because we've never discussed 'us' before."
"Where did you get this ring? It's beautiful..."
"It was my great-grandmother's...for a long time I haven't been able to imagine anyone but you wearing it...now I get to see first hand..." I smile again.
This is the way Scully has changed me. She has taught me the meaning of true love and trust, replacing what I have learned from a superficial relationship that existed solely because of mutual attraction. Not that I'm not attracted to Scully; I am. But now I have come to realize that there are other aspects to a relationship that I had never experienced so deeply. She has made me everything good I am today, and now we belong to each other indefinitely.
I drape my arm around her shoulders as we head down the hall toward the living room couch. The photo remains on my bed - a captured moment of perfection.
"So, what did you have to tell me?"
"Well, first, I was coming over to see if you wanted to go grab some dinner or something before I headed home...and also to bring you a new case file that Skinner sent down just before I left the office...I left it on your kitchen table..."
I smile for the millionth time tonight. "Okay...why don't we go get some dinner, and make some plans for the, um, wedding?" I still can't believe that this will be a future topic of conversation between us.
"Sounds good to me..." I cut off her words as I swallow her up in another long, deep kiss that promises better things to come. She pulls away, breathless. "But let's be sure to save dessert for later..."
An offer I can't refuse...
We head out the door and into our future.
The End!!
:)
"Sometimes people walk into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same."
~Dave Matthews~
"The impossible is possible, tonight..."
~Tonight, Tonight; by Smashing Pumpkins~
