Title : Anger and Jealousy
Author: Lark
E-mail: theagents1013@yahoo.com
Keywords: MSR, mucho Angst
Spoilers: One Son, Triangle, Never Again
Feedback: Feed me, Baby!
Archiving: I’d be honored, just let me know where so I can visit. It's already here (duh) and at Gossamer.
Summary: When Scully ponders the events in One Son, she comes to some realizations.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Chris and 1013, and FOX. It’s so not fair…
Author’s Note: Okay, this piece has a LOT of angst, and it’s also sort of shippy. Fair warning…enjoy!!
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Anger and Jealousy
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I’m sitting here, alone, in the dark, contemplating everything that has just occurred. And I’m waiting. For what, I have no idea, but I know I’m waiting for something. Maybe it’s answers. Answers to sooth my harried mind of its confused questions. I’m in utter turmoil. Why did he do it? Why did he turn away from me and practically fly to that bitch of a woman? He knows I’m right in this. He told me everything that happened. And yet…and yet, he still trusts her so easily. I had to earn his trust, fight for it, and sacrifice for it. But she-she just waltzed right in and all of a sudden, logic had no meaning for him. Not that it usually does, but everything I could see about her, about this situation…he was just totally blind to it.
He told me everything. Everything. Even the parts I didn’t want to hear. It was hard to listen to him, especially after what he said to me and how he treated me. We are SO close to the truth. Or at least, we were. Hanging just out of reach, dangling there blatantly, and then ripped away just as he grasped it.
Starting from the sharp “Scully!” when I confronted Fowley, I knew things were not what I had thought them to be. The trust we had built up in each other is dashed to pieces as far as I’m concerned. He just couldn’t see past the fact that this was a woman he had once had a relationship with who had betrayed him again and again, but because he knew her physically, and on a limited mental level, he thought he knew her completely. Maybe it’s just stubborn, pig-headed maleness on his part, but in light of the circumstances, this was certainly not the time to start trusting anybody and everybody. His actions make our trust cheap, and easy to come by. That’s not what I ever though to face with him because trust is his most important issue and the most important gift he could give anyone. It is worth far too much for him to just give it away like that.
Damn him. He is so contradictory. And I’m very, very alone right now. I made him leave after he stopped by. He came to say he was sorry, for everything. And to tell me all that had gone on. Once again, he got so caught up in this whole fight that he couldn’t spare a thought for anybody or anything but himself.
How could he? How in the world could he? He told me he loved me once. And as stupid of me as it is, I really started to believe him after I thought about it. Nevermind the drugs. He was coherent and stable enough. Soon after that, I began to see. In silly ways, simple everyday gestures that seemed so little but meant so much. So then how could he kiss her, want to take her with him to be saved after colonization? I was an afterthought. Mulder is brutally honest, and he spared me nothing, not one thought or nuance of his behavior on this night. Did he think that maybe he owed me? Because I gave up six years of my life to be with him and help him through every single thing that has happened since then? I don’t want any paybacks. I did what I had to do, of my own volition. No one held a gun to my head. I could have backed away at any single moment I chose. So, then, why did I stay, if only to be hurt and tossed aside like this?
Silly me. Throughout these years, I’ve sort of built up our relationship in my head. I thought that what we had was important and sacred; something that not many people ever experience. I guess I was wrong. Very wrong. We work together, nothing more.
And then I have to seriously wonder for a moment. Why, if he thinks that we are only partners, did he tell me that she kissed him, and that he had kissed her back? What made it so important to make sure I knew? Was it a “Ha ha, Scully, you were WRONG” type of thing? Was he trying to throw it in my face? Or did he merely see things in the same light that I do, and felt guilt over what he had done? I know that I felt the same way after Jersey. My hand surreptitiously moves to the small of my back and runs over the tattoo. I did feel guilty, but instead of telling him, I brushed him off. I sigh deeply. There are so many unresolved issues between us. And once again, I may have screwed things up royally. He tried to apologize and to put himself at peace, and all I did was get angry with him and tell him to leave. I replay it in my mind…his sigh as he unburdened that guilt, and my shrill “Get OUT, Mulder. I don’t want to hear any more!” He looked stricken for a second, then crestfallen as his shoulders slumped and he walked out of my apartment. He is SO lucky he didn’t tell me anything until after our ordeal was over. If I had known any of this I never would have driven with him to where Cassandra had been taken, regardless of the consequences…”Hell hath no fury…” But maybe he knew that.
I knew something was up when he called and I heard Diana’s voice in the background. But we’re all adults here, so I didn’t make any of the comments that were rapidly forming in my mind. I just picked him up and did what I had to do. Of course, I didn’t have to do anything. Mulder was right. I made it personal. But, as usual, I did it for him. His comment and the one I fired back at him held double meanings, but he took them at face value, so I followed suit. But he knew what I meant. He means too much for me to let him go and take this on by himself. But what do I do now that I know he doesn’t feel quite the same as I do? Maybe I should call him…but wait! This is just the sort of thing I want to avoid with him. So far, for the most part, we‘ve been able to keep everything rather emotion-free. If I call him and ask him back over, I know he’ll come. And this time I probably won’t be able to yell at him and make him leave.
The phone rings, breaking into my thoughts. I groan and swear softly as I raise the receiver to my ear.
“Hello Mulder."
“We have to talk.”
“I think we talked enough before.”
“No, I talked, you yelled.”
“Well, what did you expect? Did you want me to jump for joy and give you my blessing?” I realize that I’m close to yelling again, and I check myself. I draw a deep breath to calm myself. It doesn’t help much.
“Scully, that’s not what I meant. Listen, if this is about Diana…”
“DON’T even start with me, Mulder. There is a hell of a lot more to this than Diana!” I spit out the name with venom and I can almost see him wince.
“Listen, we have to resolve this sooner or later, Scully. Hiding from the issue is not going to help either of us. That’s what I came over to talk to you about earlier. Part of clearing the air, for me, was to sort of confess…”
I soften a little. “What for, Mulder? We work together. Why do you have to confess anything to me?”
“Dammit, Scully…that’s not fair. You know why.”
I feel a sort of shock go through me. “Maybe you should come over again, Mulder.”
“I’ll be right there.”
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Ten minutes later there is a soft knock at my door.
“It’s open,” I call.
The door swings open and there he is. He’s dressed down in jeans and a tee shirt. I suppose he’s trying to feel as comfortable as possible, even though what we are about to discuss is not at all a comfortable subject.
I am curled up on my couch, cradling a glass of wine in my hands. There is a nearly full bottle on the coffee table, and I motion to him to pour himself a glass. He nods, and with a graceful twist of his wrist, he fills the glass halfway and sets the bottle down again.
“Scully…”
“No, wait, Mulder. You were right. All I did was yell before. Now give me a chance to respond in a more acceptable manner.”
He draws in a breath and I motion for him to take a seat beside me. He sits a respectable distance from me, though not so far to make it seem as if he wants to stay away from me.
“Mulder, I’ve been doing some thinking since you left, and…well, I’m not happy with what I did, but I certainly felt justified in it. Considering the circumstances.”
Mulder just nods, staring straight ahead. I hate it when he does that. But at least he’s listening.
“Even though it felt right at the time, I’m sorry for what I did, instead of hearing you out and letting you finish.”
“Apology accepted, but only if you accept mine. I went about this whole thing in completely the wrong way. I should have started out with what I wanted to say, and then told you everything else.”
I nod my assent. He looks at me, finally, and continues.
“We’ve worked together for almost six years, Scully. That's a long time.”
“Yes. It is.”
“And for a man and a woman to work together as closely as we do, well…usually things start to change after awhile. I think it’s happened between us. Am I wrong to say that there is more to our relationship than just friendship?”
“Honestly, Mulder, no. I don’t think you’re wrong to say that. Things have changed. But I don’t know if we should acknowledge that change. It’ll complicate everything far more than necessary.”
“Don’t you think that things are already a little too complicated?"
Out of the blue, my jealousy came flaring up again. “Maybe you’re right. But what’s to be done about it? I don’t know how you feel and you don’t know exactly how I feel, either.”
“Scully, do you doubt anything I’ve ever told you? Ever?”
“You want my honest answer?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Well, yes. I doubt what you said to me before I got stung, and I doubt what you said to me after you were in the Triangle.”
“Why? Oh, I know you thought I was drugged and groggy that last time, but I was really alert. The most amazing revelation had just come my way, and I wanted to make sure you knew what I felt.”
“No, Mulder. I started to believe you, but now…NOW I doubt you. You cheapened our trust in each other so much…I don’t even think you realize just how much.”
“How, Scully? How did I do that?”
Damn him, he is so thick-sculled sometimes…why can’t he just SEE? “Mulder, get past my jealousy for a second and just THINK about everything else concerning Diana Fowley. I knew not to trust her, yet at the mere mention of one of her more shady character traits, you jumped down my throat. You defended her and trusted her so easily even after she betrayed you so blatantly. And, to top it off, you said so yourself-I was an afterthought as far as coming with you tonight to flee the colonization. It’s obvious that you still have feelings for her. That’s why I can’t believe what you said to me.”
Mulder stayed silent throughout my whole speech. It certainly felt good to be so honest all of a sudden, instead of tiptoeing around touchy subjects. He took a sip of wine before speaking.
“I see.”
I waited for a few minutes. When it seemed that he wasn’t going to speak again, I grew worried.
“Do you? Do you understand where I’m coming from here? It’s bad enough that you kissed her and held her after you said all that to me, but it’s even worse that you were so capricious with your trust.”
“Scully, I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know what you want me to say to you to take all that away. I made a mistake. Obviously, it was a grave one.”
I nodded at this.
“But you know what? I could have left with her, even after you refused to come with us. I could have let it all begin, and just walked away from it. But I didn’t. I couldn’t leave you behind.”
Oh, he is so dense! My eyes fill with tears, something I absolutely despise, and I say “But don’t you see, Mulder? You already did.”
He sees my eyes brimming and grasps my wrists, turning so that we are facing each other. “Scully, let it go already! She kissed me, and I let her. It was a mistake! It was a mistake to trust her, and it was a mistake to let her get to me! I didn’t even tell you why I was in her apartment.” He kisses away the stray tears on my face and continues. “I was there to try and find some proof of what you told me. I was going through her things to find something, anything that would back you up. Then the smoking man, CGB, shows up, and I almost shot him, and then I waited for Diana to show up. I wanted to try and get something out of her, but it was no use. Damn that woman! It’s true that we were involved awhile ago, but I never meant for that to rear it’s ugly head years later.”
He pulls me forward and wraps me in his arms. All I want to do is sob out my frustration against his shoulder, but I have to battle with myself to keep my composure. His hands stroke my hair tenderly.
“I meant every word of it, Scully…I really do love you, and you do make me a whole person. I couldn’t live without you if I tried, and I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry for all the hurt I caused you today. I should have known better.”
Now I can’t control myself any longer. The sobs come at will, and there’s no stopping them once they’ve begun. He pulls me in tighter and kisses my hair and my forehead and lets me cry and cry until I can’t cry any longer. And for some reason, I like this a little. I almost never break down, but now that I am, I feel so much better. A huge weight is lifted off my shoulders, and as I lift my tear-streaked face to him, sniffling a little, he kisses me full on the mouth. It’s what I’ve been waiting for.
“God, Mulder…I love you too. But I think you knew that already…”
He smiles down at me. “I think we both knew. We just didn’t want to admit it.”
He kisses me again and again, and I finally feel peace. There’s just one thing left to do, and I look forward to it as much as I do waking up in his arms tomorrow morning.
He told me everything.
He told me he loved me.
End.
“Of all of these things, I’m so much afraid, scared out of my mind by the demons I’ve made, So happy to love, yet so far to go, you lead me on to where I’ve never been before…”
~Jars Of Clay~
“A friend is always good to have, but a lover’s kiss is better than angels raining down upon me.”
~Dave Matthews Band~
